Sartorial Eloquence
by Jen DeClan
Summary: Commander Shepard and the Exile Cal and his friends are in the Mass Effect universe to help or is it hinder in her quests? More escapades aboard the SSV Normandy. A X-over story now full of humor & hi-jinx. NOW COMPLETE!
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1: Exile Style

_You've a certain sartorial eloquence  
And a style that's almost of your own  
You've got the knack of being so laid-back  
It's like talking to the great unknown  
_

He wretched as kolto fluid emptied from his lungs. He heaved until pure air was sucked through his flared nostrils and then he fell back weakly. The thick fluid had straightened the curls in his long, dark hair and clung to his eyelashes. He wiped it away and crawled to his feet, swaying, looking down in consternation at what he was wearing. _What the hell? _It consisted of skimpy shorts and a T-shirt that, in nobody's estimation, was meant to stretch across his muscular chest. And, were those red tennis shoes?

He glanced about the place, shaking his head in total confusion. Where was he? There were kolto tanks and since one was empty he figured it had been his, but who were the others? He placed his hands on the perma-glass tank and pressed his face close, trying to distinguish the features, to see if he recognized anybody. Nobody looked familiar; they all looked dead.

He remembered vaguely hearing a voice, like the droning of a very old and senile bee inside his head, so there must be somebody else—someone who had spoken to him. He looked for and found a refresher and showered off the kolto. He pulled his long hair into a pony tail and used some frayed threads from the bottom of the T-shirt to tie it out of his way. No matter where he went, he could not find his clothes and he knew he would never have been caught dead in this outfit!

He hacked into a medical computer, catching up on his condition and confirming the others were dead. He scratched his head, muttering to himself. The door to the morgue was easy to open, so he wandered in there and looked through the canisters, hoping to find some clothes or a weapon.

Instead he found a horribly burned body which meant he could not use the poor man's clothes, although the man was still clutching a cutting torch and beside the bed was an RPG rucksack. He was relieved to see it because that meant he would be able to put everything he found, regardless of the size and weight, inside it. They were much better than shopping carts because those things always had those woogety wheels He took the rucksack and put the cutting torch inside.

He was just pulling the cover off the end of the bed to see if the man was wearing any decent footwear close to his size, when a voice that sounded like it came from something rotten and putrid and older than dirt, came from behind him. He grabbed the torch and activated it.

There was a howl of pure disgust as an old, wrinkled scow of a woman moved back rapidly so her face would not be burned off.

"Watch it, you idiot!" She had something seriously wrong with her eyes. They were white and they made him shudder. Her face looked like a farmer's tractor on Dantooine had plowed rows of wrinkles into the parched skin. She must have the old lady chin syndrome because she had something wrapped about her neck to hide the double, maybe even triple chins, or perhaps, it was there to secure her neck to her shrunken shoulders. She wore a hooded long brown robe.

"Sorry, but you really should not sneak up on someone like that." He would only apologize once and it was out of pure politeness, because that was part of his make-up—being polite to women—if she qualified as a woman. Being polite to a hag might fall under a different set of rules.

"I am Kreia and I am your rescuer as you are mine."

His brows rose into his hairline. _What does that mean?_ "I am Exile Cal I'bur, but you can call me Cal."

"That is a ridiculous name! I shall call you Exile."

"Whatever flicks your lightsaber."

"Ah, you recognize me, as you should—you recognize one of your own."

He held up both hands. "Okay, ya got me. I _was_ a Jedi, but I was exiled. You seem to know a lot about me whereas I know next to nothing about you. Why don't we have a little chat, you and I."

"We do not have time to, as you say, chat." And she proceeded to tell him how he'd gotten on Peragus and that he was considered the last Jedi and the Sith were after him to snuff him out so there would be no more Jedi left.

This, needless to say, made Cal a little sad and pissed him off. Someone very dear to him had been a Jedi and if she was dead he could not bear to think of losing her, so he listened to the old woman drone on and on, wondering if he'd get any extra points for it. So, he was given the thankless task of locating a ship, weapons and clothes, in that order and she was going to stay behind and meditate?!

Cal muttered in several languages as he stumbled into psycho droids that tried to poison or fry him or shoot him as he navigated the administration level of the place. He found a stealth belt and wished he had skill, but it just meant he'd have to fight more of the droids. He put it in the RPG bag and moved on. The holovid he'd viewed of the security officer had helped him discover a way to deactivate them. He held the torch in one hand and a vibro-blade he'd recovered from a grotesquely burned body, in the other.

He was in the middle of a fight with three of them, taking some hits and cursing at the top of his lungs, when Kreia's voice went off in his head like the timer on a microwave. _Beep beep beep—Ah, it is the Force you feel…_

"No, lady, it's frackin' pain from laser burns!" He yelped when one of the droids got past his guard and its laser singed his leg.

_:: Beep beep beep-let me guide you down the familiar paths. You will need it if we are to escape this place.::_

"Fine," he said, blowing out a gust of air as he slashed down with his vibroblade. He ducked when a part of the droid flew over his head and the thing exploded. He rolled to the side, flinging his hands up to shield his eyes.

:: _Beep—Come on, Exile! It is time for you to feel the Force! Beep::_

_Sonava---! _Cal kicked when the other two droids advanced on him, sending one into the other. They weren't programmed to be smart because the one droid shot the other and when the last one turned back to him, Cal stabbed the cutting torch into the main programming panel and shorted it out. He stood, panting and wiped sweat from his brow. If he kept this up much longer he'd need another shower.

:: _Beep, beep beep… I am __**no**__t going to say this again, Exile, it is __**time**__! ::_

"All right, already, sheesh! " He raised his hands in defeat. "I really don't want it back, but I guess it could come in handy. How do I…?"

:: _Beep…Done! ::_

Cal took a deep breath, exploring his feelings, sending out tendrils like he used to and met with a wall of confusion. "Are you kidding?! All I have is **stun droid**?!" He waggled his fingers and saw a tiny spark issue from the tips. "Talk about stingy," he muttered.

:: _Beep…I heard that. ::_

"I meant for you to." He sighed.

xxx

He finally made it into the administration hub and streaked across the floor, avoiding the fire from about fifty droids. He hit the switch under the center console and heaved a sigh of relief when he saw the droids start to mill in circles, sniffing each other's butts, crawling on top of each other—hey!

He bent and flicked the other switch and chuckled in embarrassment. "Sorry, guys—wrong switch. That was the 'create more droids' switch."

The prison cells were to his left so he walked past the docile droids, giving them an occasional pat on what he guessed were their heads. Cal had always liked droids and it wasn't their fault some sleaze ball had programmed them to kill organics. The door opened and Cal stopped dead, his mouth falling open. It had been five years but…

The man standing in the containment cell lifted his head. Everything about him except the way he was dressed, was familiar: dark brown eyes under a crow's nest of black hair, the pale skin of a man who spent a lot of time aboard ships—fingerless brown gloves that enabled him to cheat more easily at Pazaak. Corellian style pants tucked into boots. Cal wondered if he could talk him into trading them for the red tennies he was wearing. Snappy, ribbed jacket and creamy shirt completed the ensemble, and a tricked out blaster belt, the holsters empty, of course.

The man looked up wearily and then smirked "You miners change uniform?" The voice confirmed it.

"Jaq?" Cal came closer so the man could see him since they were separated by waving sparkles from the security field that held him prisoner in the cell.

"Uh, no, you got the wrong prisoner. I'm Atton Rand. Check your computer. I'm sure the charges are listed, and, um, none of them would have anything to do with me trying to sell the Jedi to the Exchange." He coughed. "Did I just say that aloud?"

Cal smiled. "It's Cal. It's been five years, but we met on Tatooine."

The dark eyes narrowed as Jaq accessed an exceedingly sharp mind, well, it was when it wasn't pickled in juma juice. "Sure," he drew it out with a sarcastic flair. "I know you. _You're_ the Jedi the guards were talking about?"

"Let me get you out of there." Cal pulled the lever and Atton stepped off the platform of the force cage with evident relief.

"You don't have anything to eat on ya, do you? I'm starving!" Atton looked embarrassed when his stomach did an imitation of a rancor.

"I downloaded the entire complex's map and there's a cafeteria past the mining tunnels." At Atton's expression, Cal paused. "What?"

"The same mining tunnels that exploded, those tunnels?"

Cal rubbed a finger down the bridge of his nose as the beginnings of a headache began to throb. He punched up the schematics of the place and drew his finger down the line that showed a clear path. "See, nothing to it, now, let's go."

"Me? No way I'm going down there." Atton looked mutinous and, since Cal was sure he had no Force persuade yet because Stingy Woman only had deigned to return to him stun droid and spark, not even a fork of lightning, he had to rely on the bond he had forged with the man five years ago. The Force was like a two-headed millipede, its thousands of legs taking it one direction only to be pulled in another so that it made little or no headway.

Cal smiled his most charming, persuasive smile and arched a brow. "C'mon, buddy, for old time's sake. I really need your help. There could be injured down there."

"You know what's down there? A battalion of droids, that's what's down there!" Atton backed away. "Don't try any of your Jedi mind tricks on me, Cal, I'm warning ya." He patted his empty holsters and smirked. "Besides, I don't even have a blaster to my name."

"I can fix that." Cal dug into the rucksack and pulled out a mining laser and proudly handed it to the flummoxed man.

"A **mining** laser?" Atton held his fingers like they were a blaster and he was pulling the trigger. "**This** would be more affective." He very crankily jammed the blaster into his holster. "It's too small—it doesn't even fit."

"You're sober, aren't you? They made you go through withdrawal?" Cal placed a sympathetic hand on Atton's shoulder. "I can fix that, too."

He fished out a flask, unscrewed the cap and held it under Atton's nose. "Juma. I found it taped under the security chief's console. He grinned.

Atton grabbed for it, but Cal pulled it out of reach. "You want it, you come with me."

"First a drink." Atton's eyes were fixed on the flask like a puppy's on a dog treat.

Cal let him take a couple swallows and then took it away from him. "You'll get more once we get down there. Come on."

xxx

Atton was pleasant buzzed by the time they made it through the gamut of droids and found their way back up onto the Administration level. Cal put a finger to his lips and Atton playfully mimicked him, following his lead, as Cal slunk toward the hub.

"Boo!" Kreia leaped out, looking like a witch on Halloween—the only thing missing was her broom. "You thought you were going to leave without me, didn't you?"

Atton was slowly crawling down from the ceiling, a pissed look on his face. "Whooosh thisss, anudder Sh'edi?"

Cal had his hands full at the moment and would not answer Atton. "I would never have done that," he told Kreia. Inwardly, he sighed. _Would I?_

"The Sith are here and we must find a way to get to the _Ebon Hawk_ or all of my efforts to find you and form a Force bond with you against your will and manipulate you into doing what I want and to criticize you at every point in our journey would be meaningless." She took a deep breath after saying all of that in one sentence without a break or even a comma or semi-colon.

Cal's head was spinning, reeling, even more than Atton's because of all the juma juice he'd drunk. "What did you say?"

Kreia could not smile. It was something her face had forgotten how to do. She did not scowl—in fact, she did not show emotion, but her voice dripped sarcasm when she spoke. "We do not have time to talk right now, Exile."

Atton's eyes widened as something occurred to him. "You're the Exile? You mean all that BS on Tatooine five years ago when you said your name was Exile Cal'ibur, you were just giving out an oxymoron?"

"No, Atton, you're the moron," Cal said gently in fun. "My name is X Cal I'bur—a play on words, which means I am actually an ancient sword—well, named after it."

Atton grinned. " Riiii-ght! Just don't call me a fool."

"Fool!" Kreia spat, as if she had been waiting all her life to say it.

"Hag!!"

"Bozo!!!"

"Harpy!!!!"

"Dope, chump, sap, booby, half-wit, nincompoop, ninny, nitwit, simpleton, pushover, SUCKERrrr!" Kreia made an L of her thumb and index finger and placed it on her brow. "LOSER!!!!!!"

"Cal, now she's just being mean." Atton looked for support. "Crone, well **shrew** you!!"

Cal slapped a hand to his forehead. "Cut it out!" He turned to regard Kreia. "Let me get this straight. We don't have time for you to talk to me, but we do have time for you to insult my friend?"

Atton patted Cal's shoulder and smirked at Kreia. "Here that, ya old witch—his friend."

Cal dug out another flask of juma from the rucksack he had slung over his arm. One thing the Peragus miners seemed to have had in common was drinking. He tossed it to Atton. "Drink up."

"He's the pilot and you let him drink?"

"Why not? You're pissing me off and I'm letting you live." Cal tossed her a smirk he'd learned from a smuggler named Jaden five years ago. "He flies better when he's drunk. Being sober throws off his reflexes. Now, didn't someone tell me five minutes ago we needed to get moving?" He placed his hands on his hips and arched a brow at her.

"Being bonded to you I can see is not going to be easy."

Both men stuck out their tongues at the same time behind her back. Atton added insult to injury by sticking his thumbs in his ears and wiggling his fingers.

Get your program running  
Head out to the docking bay  
Terminals are waiting  
For the data that you'll enter

Everybody says that you're a droid, but  
They should know that you are an astromech  
Got your big head screwed on tight and  
you're better than Bao-Dur the Zabrak tech.  
Like a true astromech droid  
You were born, born to avoid  
All the fights you can  
And if you get hit you'll cry,  
"Dw-oooooooooooo!"

"I hate droids," Atton muttered as they made their way down the claustrophobic confines of the fuel line between Peragus and the Republic/Sith ship that had docked."Did I tell you how much I hate 'em?"

Cal looked for a wall he could bang his head against and almost walked into a mine. T3-M4's warning "dweep" was the only thing that kept him from stepping on the detonator.

He patted the little guy on his huge dome. "Thanks." It was not a well-known fact—but droids were to Cal what Twi'leks were to Jaden the smuggler. (But that's another story and thus ends the shameless plug!) "T-3, you have more demolition than I do, so will you lead the way?"

"How do you understand the little trash compactor?" Atton accepted another flask of juma and brightened considerably as he swigged it down.

They reached the end of the fuel line—to their right was a door. T3 deactivated the mine before Cal opened the door and the ex-Jedi craned his head around the jam. Two droids were right there, so there was no choice but to fight them. He was a Jedi Guardian—well, had been--- and he had never learned much in the way of skills other than use medpacks since he could not heal with the Force all those years of exile.

Spark and Tickle Droid (no way did it stun them!) powers did diddlely squat, so Cal waded into the fight with two blades, enjoying the fireworks as the droids exploded in spectacular balls of fire. Atton was using a blaster he'd found in the miners' quarters and the dinky mining blaster. T3 hung back. The little droid was not really good in a fight, but he tried to help by using some kind of special ray that at the very least diverted the droids' attention from the humans.

Finally, after encountering a few more droids. T3 hacked a computer and was able to get them into the hangar bay. Atton threw a hissy fit when he realized the door was magnetically sealed.

Cal rolled his eyes. "Chill. You didn't really think it would be that easy, did you?"

"Hey, I thought our luck had changed for the better when Sleeps-with-Razor-Vibro-blades-Hacksaws-Chainsaw Massacre Guy took the old hag's hand and I'm hoping a whole lot more, but, no-oooooo!"

T3 beeped and booped, sounding a lot more intelligent than he had started out in K1 when he was only a ploy to open the Sith base on Taris. Jaden the smuggler had upgraded him to an upscale astromech droid that rivaled his future cousin R2-D2. Sound FX were very similar, too—enough so that Obsidian must've gotten permission from George Lucas to use them. Maybe Bioware had not been able to reach GL and settled for something you can reproduce on an electronic keyboard.

Anyway, back to the story…. T3 replaced the cog in the machine that was missing and hacked into the console. Cal raised a hand to stop the droid from opening the door to the decontamination room. There were green clouds of very dangerous looking gas wafting inside.

Atton rummaged in the RPG bag. "You only found one gas mask?"

Cal nodded. "We can go on Solo mode. You take the mask, go through the gas, pause in the next room and I will go to the icon screen and take it off you and put it on me. T3's immune."

There was only one problem. Cal put himself on Solo mode and suddenly a tall man with an even taller Wookiee wearing a bandolier over his massive shoulder, appeared.

"Han Solo, captain of the _Millennium Falcon."_

"_Millennium Falcon_?"

Solo was lean, dressed in Corellian bloodstripe pants and pilot gear with a fancy blaster rig that had Atton panting. There was a scar on his chin and his hazel eyes looked annoyed. "Why has _nobody_ ever heard of the _Millennium Falcon_? It's the ship that made the Kessel Run in less than five parsecs."

Cal frowned. "Sorry, but then I've never heard of the Kessel Run either. I'm Cal I'bur, soon to be captain of the _Ebon Hawk_."

Han's grin turned snarky. "Sorry, never heard of it."

Atton smirked. "It's the ship, that if we're lucky, will get us off this rock and not blown into a million pieces."

Han glanced about him with interest. "Where am I? Chewie, did I drink too much Corellian ale again?"

The Wookiee snarled and waved his huge, hairy paws and the odor that came from his pits made Cal's eyes water.

Han gestured. "Chewie, until we get you bathed and groomed, keep your arms down. We talked about this." Solo spread his hands wide, smiling a crooked smile that was wasted on Cal and Atton. Now, if Cal had been the canon-exile, but he was not, so he just smiled back politely.

"How did I get here?" Solo asked.

"Do you happen to have a gas mask on you?" Atton asked.

Han put his hands up to his face, feeling it. "Do I look like I have a gas mask on?"

Atton emitted a low whistle. "I mean, do you have one _with _you?"

Han frowned and went through his regular bag, but could not find one. "Sorry, can't help ya out, pal."

Cal shook the Captain's hand. "That's all right. I'll get you back to where you belong. Nice meeting you." He quickly went to the icon screen and changed the capital S to a small s . When he came back, Han was gone and he and Atton worked out the logistics of using the one mask.

Isn't it rich?  
Can't see cloaked Sith?  
We're here at last in the hangar  
Gonna take off on our ship.  
He sent in the Sith

This just ain't right  
I don't approve.  
Atton keeps tearing around

T3 can't move.  
Where are the Sith?  
He sent in the Sith!

"Un-frackin'-believable!" Atton swore.

No wonder Cal hadn't seen any Sith outside the bloody ship. They were all in_side_ the ship. Cal, Atton and T3 fought them off. Since they were stupid enough to stay in groups of three, it was easy to defeat them, but there was nothing valuable on their remains, and the bodies kept disappearing, sometimes just leaving a belt.

Atton gazed out the main viewing screen in the cockpit and saw a very unwelcome sight—A one-handed hag moving with amazing speed toward the ship. His hand slammed down on the hatch door lock and he smirked, not telling Cal he had just got rid of what could become their worst nightmare. He warmed up the engines and the repulsor lifters engaged, lifting up the ship. He expertly flew her out of the hangar and almost had a heart attack when he turned to say something to Cal and there she was!

(And the director says, Cue music, for Atton's singing debut.)

I simply want someone to despise  
But you, even with your creepy eyes  
You're uninvited  
An unfortunate slight

Must be strangely exciting  
To watch the Jedi squirm  
Must be somewhat heartening  
To manipulate him like a worm  
But you, you're not allowed  
You're uninvited  
An unfortunate slight!

"Hey, who invited you? I say we take a vote. All in favor of spacing the ole witch raise your hand." His rose quickly. "Cal?"

Cal hated being put in this position. "Atton, has it not occurred to you yet, that if I felt her hand being taken off, well, what would happen if we space her? I mean, to me?"

Atton scowled and tugged at his fingerless gloves, tightening them over his knuckles. "Good point. Forget I said anything."

Kreia in pain was worse than, well, Kreia. She cast jaundiced eyes at both of them-Atton caught one, Cal the other and they threw them back because neither one of them wanted a creepy ole jaundiced eye, especially hers!

"Where are we headed?" Cal wanted to know.

"Telos, to be specific, Citadel Station." Atton managed not to get the _Hawk_ shot up by the _Harbinger _that was following them through the asteroid field. "Uh, you got a decision to make here, Cal. Dark side, we shoot one of the asteroids—or light side, we let _them_ shoot one of the asteroids, either way we get mostly the same cut scene."

Cal chose light side. Atton avoided the resounding explosions, swung the ship around and they plunged into hyperspace. Atton tossed his headset to the side. "Well, you can forget your troubles with those Sith slugs. I told you I'd outrun them."

"They let us go," Kreia sneered. "It's the only way to explain the ease of our escape."

"Easy? You call that easy, hagster?"

"Atton." Cal put his head in his hands. "Kreia."

"Fine!" They both chorused and pouted like siblings.

"I am going to my chamber where I do not have to suffer fools. Perhaps you will visit me so I can tell you more drivel that will give you more points and allow you to level up faster, if it does not make you want to blast yourself in the head for having to listen to me."

Cal widened his eyes. "Uh, yeah, I'll be sure to do that."

Atton sniggered. "Pardon me if I don't hold my breath for you going to visit the sinister slagster from hell."

"So, what happened to it?" Cal drawled before Atton could speak again.

"Happened to what?"

"Your ship? You know, _Sparrow's Retreat_."

Atton scratched his head and looked like he would not answer. "I found out you can only retreat so long and then you have to face the music."

"The music?"

"Yeah, Cal. Every fracking chapter one of us gets elected to sing. It started back with Jaden and it hasn't let up. I mean I already had to sing. How many more times will I have to sing?"

"Sing for you supper?"

"Ha-ha, very funny. I mean I have a Sam W type voice, but the name of the band, Crashtones, well that gives me a bad feeling, and this story is rated T, so the lyrics have to be changed to protect the innocent virgin ears out there with parental supervision lurking over their shoulders." He smirked, taking on a bad rocker stance, playing some air guitar. "I mean everybody can't be as good as M Shadows."

Cal grinned. "And not everybody can play a guitar like Synyster!" They both laid their hands over their hearts in silent tribute.

Cal stayed in the cockpit with Atton and they played Pazaak. Cal instructed him not to pay attention to the female voice from Citadel Station that told them to land once they came into Telos space. Instead, Atton took out an AAD tower that shot at them and landed the ship on the grassy plains in one of the rebuilding sites.

"You sure about this?" Atton came down the ramp, followed by a completely disgruntled Kreia. "I mean, you passing up all these points is OK, but it affects me, too."

Cal patted the pilot on the back. "Do you want to end up in a cell again? Do you want to have everyone you meet asking you to do something for them? Do you want to run back and forth in between the cantina and two other levels? Do you want to deal with the Ithorians? I don't speak Gelfa-ese, do you? Do you want the _Ebon Hawk_ stolen right out from under our noses? Do you….?"

Atton raised a hand. "All right! I get it! Citadel Station, bad. Breaking rules and keeping our ship, good.

_A/N And this, dear readers, is the first chapter of Cal, the Exile who was in Luck Be a Smuggler Tonight. Like I did in the original, I am skipping the parts of the game that got on my nerves and there will be the breaking of the fourth wall and references to our present and bizarre things that happen. Parodies are like that. I will try to keep the characters in character as much as I can but the AU-ness of this story may surpass Jaden's romp. Hope you who said you were interested in reading about Cal leave reviews. No reviews, bad! Leaving reviews, good! Thanks in advance and please enjoy another farce. I don't own SW and the songs original lyrics. Songs were "Sartorial Eloquence by Elton John; "Yankovitch's Born to be Mild and Send in the Clowns and Alanis M's Uninvited. Refs to Crashtones are to Sam Witwer's band and Avenged Sevenfold has the awesome M Shadows and Synyster Gates. _

11


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: Rainbow Lightsaber

(Director says "Cue music and Zabrak's singing debut.")

A large, muscular humanoid with lots of pointy things on his head and tattoos as well, approached the ship as the three adventurers disembarked. A little remote spun about his head and played a reggae beat as the Zabrak began to sing. He had a guitar slung over one massive shoulder and his own pyro-FX, using a glowing bionic arm.

**BAO-DUR**

Bao! Bao!

Bao's here and I wanna come along!

Work all day on my little remote

Bao's here and I wanna come along.

Hope the scary-eyed hag don't get a vote

Bao's here and I wanna come along.

**Remote**

Come Mr. Techie man

Fix the ship and let's go!

Bao's here and he wants to come along!

Cal could not help it—he whistled and stamped his feet. Bao's singing was all right, but a singing remote!? Now that was something to applaud. Atton had a glow stick out and was waving it like he was at a concert. Kreia, was, well, Kreia.

"Bao, you ole horn-head! How's it hanging?" Cal held out his palm.

"General, slip me some skin!" Bao slid his palm over Cal's, then they knocked knuckles and wiggled their fingers—the secret handshake they'd made up in the Mandalorian Wars. "Hanging just fine." Bao's singing voice was a rich Randy Travis type without the country twang and his speaking voice required the volume to be turned up because he spoke so softly.

Cal reached into his RPG bag and was lucky enough to find a sound-enhancing implant which he inserted, knowing he would need it if he were to understand the soft-spoken tech. The two of them reminisced as they started away from the ship, but then T3 rolled down the loading ramp, whistling and spewing droid-ese.

"What is it, little guy?" Cal gave the droid a friendly pat.

A hologram issued from the side of the droid. Cal was surprised to see Jaden Onasi. "Hi, Cally-wally. I left this message in T3, because, well, like my bro, I get visions and I saw you would need help in 5 years from the day Luce stole your almost bride, Slutty Girl. I was going to give it to you for a wedding gift, but we see how that turned out." She paused as two children, a male with dark hair and eyes and a female with black hair and blue eyes raced into the room where she was recording, followed by a man he recognized as Carth Onasi.

"Come back here, you little hellions!" he shouted. "Daddy's gonna give you such a spanking if you don't behave. It's bath time!"

Jaden rolled her eyes. "Do I have to get up to you? Hiro Larrim Onasi---Misija Zee Onasi, go with your father or I will so use the Force on you!"

After the children were pulled out of the room by their disgruntled father, Jaden continued with her message. "Sorry 'bout that. Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah! The gift was a package from our futuristic friend Hiro. He gave it to Carth when he was in New York---long story. I put it in the smuggler's hold in the cargo hold. You'll need it if your game goes as wacko as mine did. Hope this finds you well and you're shacked up with some beautiful female that has made you forget all about SG. Kisses and hugs! Jaden, out."

"Hey, I remember SG!" Atton had been scratching his head and now his eyes glowed with a memory. "She was that hot Jedi."

Just like Bao did not want to talk about the war, Cal did not want to talk about Bastila Shan—the woman who had broken his heart and left him at the altar. So, he was glad when Bao changed the subject, telling him there were a lot of mercenaries that were after him. He dashed inside the ship just long enough to find the "gift" from Hiro which turned out to be the Walk-thru Strategy Guide through Knights of the Old Republic II: The Sith Lords. He quickly had Bao download it into a datapad since he sucked at everything but mayhem and melee, so now he could cheat any time he wanted and skip parts of the game that are just plain boring.

"So, uh, I got an idea." Atton smirked when he got their attention. "You say there's squads of mercenaries, which means we are really out-numbered, so I say we bring in the equalizer."

Bao and Cal exchanged puzzled looks, and Kreia, well, Kreia just looked like Kreia. It was hard to tell what she was thinking. Atton sighed and kicked a clump of dirt with the toe of his boot.

"C'mon, guys! The ship! I say we use the ship and make strafing runs and wipe 'em all out."

Cal frowned. "That hardly seems fair."

Bao nodded. "What the General says."

"If the General jumped off a cliff, would you?" Atton threw his hands up and Cal made a diving catch, rolled to his feet and handed them back. "Thanks. Anyway, my point is, who wants to play fair when we know they want to kill us?" Atton reattached his hands. He kind of needed them to fly the ship and shoot bad guys.

"The fool has a point," Kreia spoke and the three males felt like something walked over their graves. She cackled. 'Right on the top of his head!"

Atton went for her throat, but Cal and Bao prevented him from reaching her. "Ixnay on-nay attacking-kay er-hay," Cal spoke in ancient Gamorrean." He knew Atton would not understand it, but it would confuse him enough to stop him from making the bone-head play of attacking Kreia.

Cal reluctantly agreed. He was dismayed at the glee Atton displayed as he sprayed the scattering, fleeing mercenaries with bolts from the _Ebon Hawk's _turrets.

"Eat that! Ha! Take that! While we're up here, we might as well take out the base." The crack pilot ( or was the pilot on crack?) swerved over the landscape, taking out cannocks, ugly, squat creatures with huge mouths full of teeth. He did strafing runs over the rest of the mercenaries at the encampment site and landed the ship on top of the pad after taking out the turrets.

Atton led the way out of the ship, but it was up to Bao to access the computer console. While he did this, Cal and the pilot field-stripped the bodies and gathered weapons and grenades and (sheesh!)more gloves and gauntlets. This particularly got on Cal's last nerve, because he had tried on several different kinds and he never **saw** them. Gauntlets should come up to his elbows. All he ever saw was the pair of gloves that seemed to come with the brown Padawan robe he'd found. Anything was better than that awful miner's outfit he'd found on Peragus!

Another thing that annoyed him was Bao's preoccupation with him building a new lightsaber. They had run through the gamut of conversations and now the big Zabrak was stuck in a loop. Kreia refused to come out of the port dormitory until she could talk his ear off about the past. He supposed he could use the points, and maybe she knew something about Luce and where he and Bastila had gone. He was just about to go inside, when Atton cleared his throat.

"So, where's your lightsaber? I mean, aren't Jedi supposed to be married to theirs? Were you a single or a double-bladed Jedi? Hey, you didn't go red, did ya? What color was yours?"

Now that 20 questions' time was up, Cal sighed when he heard the director cuing the music. Looked like it was his turn to sing.

Why are there so many

Questions about lightsabers?

And what do their colors mean?

Was mine blue for a Guardian?

A Sentinel's is yellow

And a Consular's is a pretty green.

And so I built it

The rainbow lightsaber.

With all of the colors aglow!

Oh, that's all you need to know.

Atton made a sour face. "Forget I asked. Well, one more question just so there isn't an encore."

Cal shook his head. "Wasn't planning on one."

"Where is it now?"

"Well, one of the Masters was a kleptomaniac, so I'm pretty sure who ended up with it. I stabbed it into the center of the stone in the Council meeting room on Coruscant to show my contempt for the Council when they exiled me."

"Hell, it would've shown more contempt if you had kept it." Atton raised his hands. He had learned not to throw them up in the air anymore "But, hey, that's just me." He quirked a brow. "One more question: I know you have a good voice, so why did you sound like a little green muppet when you did your number?"

Cal looked shocked. "I did?" He gave himself a quick once over. "At least I didn't turn into a frog."

All of the others nodded their heads. Cal shrugged. "Uh, maybe some of the glitches that happened to Jaden are starting to happen to me. Maybe the short-cuts I've taken caused it."

"And maybe you should be locked up in a padded room." Atton twirled a finger about his ear and whistled sharply. "Did you take a blow to the head when I wasn't looking?"

"Shut up!" Cal said crossly. "Besides, since we didn't take a shuttle from Citadel Station; since we did not go there, I did not suffer the concussion I would've gotten when we crashed."

"You heard the General, shut up." Bao whispered.

"What?" Atton cupped a hand to his ear. "I can't hear you! Speak up!" When he realized Cal was going to go and see the old witch, he handed him a pair of ear plugs. "Here, you'll need these. That way she can spout off and you can just nod politely."

Cal beamed at the pilot, dug in the RPG bag and tossed him a liter of juma. "Thanks, buddy." He broke the threads holding his hair and arranged it over his ears.

Kreia was waiting for him, quickly standing when he entered the dorm. "It took you long enough. I have much to tell you and you must listen if you want to get the points. You are way behind in points. The dark side is when you take the easy path as you have so far, skipping parts of the game like that, missing so many opportunities for me to yell at you for being noble and...."

Cal was bobbing his head, although he could not hear a word she was saying. He realized with a guilty start that Kreia had stopped and he knew something was required of him. He scoured his memories for what they were supposed to be talking about.

"Um, can you tell me of the Sith?"

He watched her lips move and then stop. "Uh, can you tell me more about the Sith that are after me?"

She frowned, although with all those lines in her face, it was hard to tell. Her mouth flapped up and down and Cal forced an expression on his features that should remove any doubt she had that he was listening.

Kreia hissed something and then she grabbed him by an ear, examining the earplug that was visible when she shoved his hair back. Busted!

"Sorry. My ears are sensitive when it comes to certain annoying voices and I thought I could at least gain some influence with you by pretending to listen." He grinned as he removed the earplugs.

"Just for that you do not get to see the flashback of me getting the hell beaten out of me by the two other Sith Lords!" She sank back down into her meditation position and paid him no more attention.

Dammit! That was something he would not have minded seeing.

A box appeared above his head and he read what it said with an aggrieved expression.

**Minus 1,000 points, buster! It does not count if you wear earplugs!**

Cal shook his head and left the dorm. He was not about to tell Atton he had lost them 1,000 points. At this rate, none of them would level up. To tell the truth, he had not missed having the Force all these years because he had never been that strong before he was exiled. His strength was bashing and maiming and his rainbow lightsaber had made that a lot easier.

He consulted Hiro's guide and sighed when he realized they would have to go inside the military base. Bao asked why since he had the coordinates needed and they could take the _Hawk _directly to the Ice Polar Cap of Telos.

Cal pointed to a note written on the sides of the datapad that held the schematics and the directions to the area they would need to go to in the abandoned military base. _Cal, please rescue the Twi'lek merc for me. Kisses! Jaden._

One fracking gas mask—three people! Cal had serious issues about the gloves and not even one other stupid mask. And, of course the complex was full of gas traps and manic droids. He loved droids, why did they always seem to want to destroy him?

Finally they reached the hallway where the Twi'lek merc was and got involved in a firefight with more droids to the left before Cal could talk to the male Twi'lek. When he was able to speak to him, Cal offered to take him to the entrance, telling him it was clear of droids and even offering to give him their one gas mask. _Jaden, girl, you so owe me for this!_

Imagine his surprise when the merc only followed him part of the way to the front door. Sighing, he went back to where the Twi'lek seemed to be stuck. He looked at his feet to make sure he had not stepped on a blue goo grenade or there was some unseen Twi'lek trap on the floor.

"Will you help me out?" The beleaguered Twi'lek pleaded, wringing its hands.

"Sure," Atton smirked. "Which way did you come in?"

Cal sniggered. Atton might be right. Was there another entrance, a Twi'leks only door? Maybe the poor snook was in shock. From what he had said, the droids in the place had gone berserk, killing all the organics. Cal laid his hands on the merc's shoulders, hoping he was only creating a temporary bond, so the idiot would follow him out.

The Twi'lek followed them, nervously asking every five seconds, "Are we there yet?" until Cal wanted to throttle him.

"We're there," Atton said, opened the door and pushed the annoying merc outside. "I thought we were never going to get rid of him."

Cal tossed him a canteen that was full of juma. "I miss the ole Captain Jaq," he told him.

"Snockered to the gills? No thanks!" Atton looked offended, although he took several swigs and his attitude grew less abrasive. "Besides, a lot happened in five years, Cal.'

"General, should we continue into the complex?" Bao had found a bat and was using his remote for practice.

Cal used the Force to wrench the bat from the big Zabrak's grip. "No hitting remotes while I'm present," he admonished. "And you don't have to call me general any more."

"You're still missing a lens, general." Bao was back to his looped conversation.

Cal sighed heavily and turned to Atton. "Am I missing a lens, buddy?'

Atton tilted his head to the side as he shone a flashglow into Cal's eyes. "No, both are there." He smirked at Bao's nonplussed expression. "I vote we get back to the ship and get it over with. What's going to happen to us on the Telos Ice Cap?"

Cal did not tell the pilot he was supposed to crash another shuttle. He figured they were safe since they were not taking a shuttle. They quickly made their way back to the ship, passing up yet more points. Cal took a look at his alignment. Nice and light, but he was still a 7? He had to find some way to level up faster.

* * *

Telos Ice Cap. No crash landing, positive. Bao passing out from the cold, negative. Three HK-50 droids attacking, negative—receiving another crucial part for the HK-47 model in the ship, positive. Cold that nipped his nose and froze his toes, negative. A secret entrance to an even more secret Jedi Academy, positive. Being taken prisoner and separated from his ship buds, negative. Cute blondes all over the place—priceless!

Cal wandered the academy. He had struck up conversations with the Handmaidens, especially the one who looked different, who honored her mother, whatever the hell that meant. These girls were aggressive and always wanted to fight him sans clothing. They took him to a large mat and he fought one, then two, then the whole bunch played dog pile on Cal, writhing and giggling as he tickled them. It was a secret he had learned about Echani women; they were very ticklish.

Finally he had them all slapping the mat. So that was what they meant when they said slap-and-tickle. He grinned, giving them a hand up and exchanging a high-five with each girl. He had turned his bonding to high so he could get information from them. They told him of his bad rep, thank you very much, Atris! And they told him Atton knew Echani moves. He'd have to ask him about that.

The Handmaiden, the one who honored her mother, stood near a turbolift that called out to Cal. He tried to open it without success. HM girl was humming softly and trying to appear as if she was not taking stock of his brown muscles and long, wavy mane. He put a swagger into his walk he had learned from a bounty hunter he'd known five years ago. He was in his Repub-ish underwear since he knew he was about to meet Atris. He figured seeing him almost naked would take the starch out of her white robe's shoulder pads.

"What's behind that door?" he asked her, his curiosity getting the better of him.

She scowled at him. "Even if you had a level 43 security clearance you could not access that room."

He smiled his most charming smile. "I'll bet you could.' He winked, using his ability to form a bond with her.

She dimpled. "It goes against everything I have been taught, but..." She pinched his cheek playfully. "You are so cute!"

Cal followed her over to the turbolift, rubbing his hands enthusiastically. It was a part of the game that never could be accessed according to Hiro's guide. HM opened it and, talk about anti-climax! The only thing that was in the room was a tall blue chamber that looked barely big enough to hold one person. On the side was a sign **Police Box** in white box letters. The door opened and a tall man with short curly brown hair and a scarf that was wrapped several times around his neck and still dragged on the floor, stepped out.

"Hullo. I'm the Doctor," he said in a deep, melodious voice.

"Dr. who?" Cal asked.

"Exactly!" the Doctor exclaimed, grinning cheerfully.

"Okay, Dr. Exactly. Exactly, what are you doing behind a door that stays locked?"

"Who." The Doctor corrected and gestured to the blue box. 'This is my TARDIS and it is not always here, but when it is, this is a good place to park it while I am out saving the galaxies."

Cal frowned when the strange man asked him 'who'. "Who? Oh! Me? X Cal I'bur's my name. I'm a Jedi—well, ex-Jedi."

Dr. Who stepped on his scarf and wrapped it a couple more times so that half his face disappeared. "Pleased to meet you, Cal." He winked roguishly. "Actually, I am here to play some snow boloball with the HM team against the Daleks."

"What's a Dalek?"

"They might look like droids, but they are not. You'll see soon enough. We're short one player." He paused, regarding Cal's lack of attire. "Get dressed and you can play."

Cal loved boloball, although he was not as familiar with the snow version. He quickly dressed and followed the Doctor and HM outside where it was snowing like crazy. Huge flakes drifted down and the cold made him figure out the true meaning of snowballs.

The Daleks were human-sized salt and pepper shakers with a single mechanical eyestalk mounted on a rotating dome. The lower half of the shell was covered in protrusions, spheres embedded in a metal casing. Sensor globes as the Doctor explained.

"They are actually mutants from the planet Skaro integrated with a tank like casing."

Cal took the bunter position. Every time he kicked the ball one of the stupid Daleks would target it with its death ray and say in an annoying mechanical voice, "Exterminate!" before it blew it up.

They went through twenty balls and only one player on their team had made it base. Yes, folks---wait for it--- Who was on first. Cal got fed up and substituted a remote he had Bao rig with an explosive and when he kicked it, the remote exploded before a Dalek could target it.

Salt and pepper flew everywhere. Cal and the HMs sneezed. Dr. Who tossed a pinch of salt over his left shoulder as he brought in the winning point. There were no Daleks left, so the game was over.

Dr. Who was jubilant. "First time we've won! I owe you, Cal. Anything, anywhere, any time, you want, you name it."

Cal looked perplexed. "Huh?"

The Doctor smiled. "I am a Time Lord and the TARDIS, in your terms, is my ship. Stands for **T**ime **A**nd **R**elative **D**imensions **I**n **S**pace.I can take you anywhen you want to go."

Cal had a thought—he needed to level up and there was a glitch on Korriban. But first, he would need a lightsaber. His lightsaber! That meant he would have to face Atris, the klepto Jedi Master. He knew she would have confiscated it for herself.

Atris was waiting for him when he came back inside the academy. She looked just as forbidding as she had five years ago. Bitterness evidently froze the facial features and there were no lines or character on her face.

He tried to listen to her blabbering, he really did, but when she pulled out his lightsaber, he lost it. All the pretty colors of the rainbow, the lovely hues as the double blades hummed, entranced him. Cal waited until she turned it off and then he rammed his shoulder into hers, grabbed the hilt and tore off to the TARDIS where the Doctor was waiting.

Atris could not follow once the door sealed behind him. Cal felt guilt gnaw at him like a womp rat. The Doctor seemed to notice and cocked his head to the side.

"What's wrong, Cal?"

"I...feel guilty. They let Bao out, but Atton and the Hag are still locked up."

Dr. Who patted Cal on the back. "Don't worry ole boy. I can bring us back right where they are and then drop all of you at your ship."

"In that thing?" Cal looked dubious. "It only holds one person, doesn't it?"

"Come inside," the Doctor invited.

When Cal stepped through the exterior, his mouth almost became unhinged as he gaped about him. The interior was huge! There were a vast number of rooms and corridors—a living room, an art gallery, a greenhouse, a refresher with a swimming pool, a medbay and a circular control room.

Dr. Who dropped Cal right in the room with the dead Jedi in Ludo Kressh's tomb on Korriban. The glitch was that if he "opened" the Jedi over and over, beasts called hssiss would appear-three for each time. The trick was to open the Jedi so many times none of the beasts could attack. Still, the battle proved difficult for a level 7 Jedi Guardian. The beasts, if/when they connected took a lot off his health bar. He had next to nothing on his Force bar. So, it was basically relying on his skill with the double-bladed lightsaber. Once the points started to mount up-each beast was worth 450, it got easier as he leveled up his Force powers and skills. Soon his charisma was so high he could use his master healing instead of medpacks and he chose Force lightning storm and Deathfield that he used on the beasts, racking up points quickly with little or no damage to himself. When he got to level 50, he realized he could go no further and dispatched the last of the beasts.

His clothes were slimed with blood and beast guts and he smelled to high heaven, but he was as close to invincible as anyone could get. The TARDIS materialized a moment later and Dr. Who opened the exterior door and ushered the exhausted Jedi inside.

"I have a favor to ask you, Dr. Exactly."

"Who."

"You."

The Doctor sighed. "What is it?"

"Could you give me enough time to take a shower and do you have any clothes I can wear?"

"Time is relative, Cal. Take as much as you need. You can even take a nap if you wish. We will arrive back at our destination about two seconds after we left."

Cal looked alarmed. "I won't lose all my points, will I?"

The Doctor shook his head. "No, ole chap, you won't."

"I lost points before. I don't want to have gone through all that for nothing."

"Cal. Hiro is not the one playing the game right now."

"You know Hiro?!"

"Of course, the king of all mods; however, the being playing your game is a lot more flexible when it comes to sticking to the rules. His name is Chuck Bartowski."

"Is he going to pop in and out like Hiro did to Jaden?"

"No. He is the Intersect, so..."

Cal looked frazzled and his mind could not concentrate he was so tired. "He's an insect?"

"You really should have a lie-down, Cal, after you bathe and change clothes, of course."

"But this Introspect, Dr. Exactly?"

"Who." He tried one more time.

"What" You said his name was Chuck."

The Doctor thought, _you may be a charming young Jedi, but you are a bit obtuse._

The "ship" dematerialized and landed in the academy in the room where Atton, Kreia, and Bao were imprisoned. He quickly freed them.

He found T3 who Atris had hooked up to her central computer. With his master hacking skills, Cal placed a "bug" in the system that would wipe all the data she had stored and brought the droid back to the room where the others were. They all went inside the TARDIS.

A moment later, just as the Doctor promised, they exited his "ship" and boarded the _Ebon Hawk_. Cal waved to Dr. Exactly through the transparasteel front view screen, and then he turned to Atton who had flung himself into the pilot's seat. Cal saw the blinking holo of Atton and knew he was ready to level up, up up!

(Cue music, Morgan!)

Listen, ooooh, ooooh, ooooh.

Do you want to know a secret?

Oooooh, oooooh, ooooooh.

Do you promise not to tell?

Closer, let me whisper in your ear

Tell you things you wanna hear.

You can level up 47 times!

Don't tell Kreia........

_A/N Thanks to all my readers and those who review, a double thanks and cyber cookie! I don't own SW or the songs "Banana Boat Song"; "Rainbow Connection" or "Do you Want to Know a Secret" by George Harrison. The show refs were to Dr. Who series, Tom Baker was Dr. Exactly, heh! and the other was to the TV show "Chuck" Looks like Hiro has some competition this time around._

12


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3: Master of Disaster**

(And the director/mod maker, heart breaker, don't you mess around, no, no, no! cues Metallica music for cut scene)

Master of Puppets I'm pulling your strings  
twisting your mind and smashing your dreams  
Blinded by me, you can't see a thing  
Just call my name, `cause I'll hear you scream  
Master

The Clown Prince of Sith stood in his imposing black robes aboard his junker the _Ravager_, which should really have been the _Salvager_ since he had made the ship out of spare parts that floated in orbit above Malachor V. He wore a mask or was it clown make-up? Anyway, it was white with red slashes and black holes for his eyes, if he had them. That was up for debate for anyone who still had a mind aboard the ship. Well, there was one.

Visas Marr, sashayed down the hall in a French maid's outfit— a black satin top with removable corset mid section and matching bubble skirt. It included a lace headband, choker with cameo lace wrist cuffs, knee-high fishnet stockings and spike-heeled shoes. This made her svelte figure even more va va voom. She held a feather duster in one hand and was pushing a vacuum with the other. Part of her duties as the Clown Prince's apprentice was keeping the ship as tidy as possible.

A screeching noise, like tires burning rubber, penetrated her ears, even over the sound of the vacuum. She sashayed to the bridge. No matter how hard she tried, Visas could not move faster than that, even if it meant displeasing her master.

She bowed. "Yes, I have heard it too, my Lord. The sound of a little green Muppet frog. It must have always been there, at the edge of the pond, but..." She choked as he gripped her throat with the Force. "You—gasp gasp—are the—gasp gasp—I...." She looked to the camera and gasped, "Line!"

_Off-camera, script girl. "You are the darkness in which all life dies, my Lord. And my life, my life is yours."_

"Yes, well _you_ try to say that while CP here is choking you!" Visas said crossly and delivered the lines with a lot less enthusiasm than she had the other previous twenty-seven takes.

Clown Prince dropped her and she begged him to kill her because if she had to say that line one more time she would... Instead, he screeched at her, telling her to go find the man behind the Muppet. As Visas made her way to the hangar bay, she stopped at her cell, listening to all the voices that haunted her meditation chamber. She discarded the maid's outfit and put on a long, sleek outfit she'd been wearing when Clown Prince found her on her home planet. She smoothed her hands down her sides, once more swinging her hips in a sensual rhythm as she made her way to the hangar. As she boarded the shuttle and told the pilot to take her to Nar Shaddaa, Visas wondered why her master wanted to get his hands on Jim Henson when she knew the great Muppet Master had become one with the Force. She was off to find another, the young man who haunted her dreams and sang like a frog.

***

"Go on, get!" Atton shouted over and over again and Cal was worried his friend had hit a conversation loop, but then he realized, Atton was speaking to droids. One of the Peragus mining droids came down the ramp, followed by two astromechs: 3C-FD, the other droid that had been dismantled by the HK-50 and T1N1

There was a story attached to him and his counterpart protocol pal B-4D4—Cal had gone through the strategy guide and learned what he had missed at Citadel Station and before they left Telos Ice Cap had asked Dr. Exactly if he could take him there. He had found the two droids in the station waiting to board a shuttle to go to Nar Shaddaa, so Cal had offered to take them since that was his next destination. The droids had agreed. They seemed to know him, which was odd, considering they'd never met before and Cal had always thought he stood out in a crowd of profiles, especially the lame ones the games offered.

Cal had tried to get a damaged HK-50 to follow him when they were in the Telos Czerka excavation site, but it had rudely blown up, trying to take him, Atton and Bao with it. He was still sighing over that one. Since he was now level 50 and had master skills in every department, he had been working on restoring HK-47. He had found Jaden's droid in a sealed compartment. He supposed he should contact her and ask her what had happened to the droid, but he guessed it was because the assassin droid insisted on telling the worst jokes in the galaxy and someone, somewhere had finally had enough. He still lacked two parts. One he should be able to get from Kodin, who the strategy guide said was a nasty customer.

Cal scratched his head over that one. How could one be a nasty customer **and **the owner of the merchant franchise? He would find he was scratching his head a lot more when just the sight of him sent refugees and locals fleeing, screaming in panic.

"Do you know what's going on?" he asked Atton.

Atton pointed to the flashing **ALERT!** on the holo image of the walk-thru as it popped up into mid-air. "Looks like you need to go back inside the ship. Cut scene." As if he had just remembered something that ticked him off, Atton pouted.

He had been pouting since Cal had told him, yes, he was ready to level up 47 times, but had asked him not to until they encountered two Twi'leks in the refugee sector. Cal had buttered up the pilot enough so that he was sure he had enough influence over him to pass muster when the big reveal about his lurid past took place. Then he would become a Jedi Sentinel and then he could level up 47 times and gain all the powers he would need, but try to explain all that!

Cal sighed. "I'll be back as soon as I take care of this." He gave Atton a clap on the shoulder and his most charming, persuasive smile to Bao. Kreia, well, nothing worked with her.

He went inside the _Hawk_ and the Force led him to the starboard dormitory where the most luscious, curvaceous babe was meditating.

"Hey, darlin', my cabin or yours?"

She stood up, her limber, luscious (Accessing Thesaurus: you need a new word, idiot!) _delectable_ body uncoiling like the serpent that must have seduced Eve in the Garden of Eden, and then she smashed all his hopes and dreams when she attacked with a lightsaber!

Being a Guardian with supreme Force powers, Cal waved a hand and froze her. He really did not want to hurt her, but the parameters of the game said he had to get her red health line down 50 %. He stroked his chin and paced and then a light bulb popped up over his head—not an LED, mind you, but a very dim light bulb, and Cal brought his rainbow lightsaber around in a crushing blow, striking the health bar itself. Its level fell like mercury in a thermometer on a cold day.

Smiling in satisfaction that he had not had to resort to hurting her, Cal released her from stasis. Her voice made his toes curl. It was like having warm honey poured over him.

"You...are stronger than I thought. I sought a frog and found a prince. My life for yours."

Uh-oh, he'd heard of such things. She must be a member of some sort of religious cult. He smiled his most charming smile, intent on curling her toes like she was doing to him, even though she was blind; instead she swooned in his arms. Had he put too much Force bondo in his smile? The mixture of bonding and smiling was delicate and sometimes he got the ingredients mixed up.

He carried her into the med bay and, to his annoyance, found Atton there, but then he realized he was part of the cut scene, so he sent some more bondo to the pilot.

"Now, I've seen everything. She's a Miraluka."

"Can we repair her health bar? I hit it instead of her."

Atton shrugged. "Dunno. She's not one of us yet so I can't see her profile or health bar. Should be okay though."

"What? Her or the health bar?"

Atton chuckled. "You're not the brightest bulb on the Jedi tree, are ya?" He finished examining her, wondering vaguely why he was acting like a doctor, because to his knowledge, he'd never been one, not even in his previous life.

Cal was jumped the second he walked out of the med bay by HM, who was livid. "She is a danger to us!"

_Another cut scene? C'mon! All I want to do is get to the refugee sector and find those Twi'leks._ Sighing, he made up some lame things to say to her even more lame suggestions as to what to do with the Sith woman. Jealousy shot flames out of her light blue eyes as she grilled him.

Finally, she ended her tirade and he quickly ran outside before something else happened he did not want to deal with. He gave each person something to do. T3 and Bao were to go see Tienn Tubb _( I wonder if Crockett's there, too—but another blind character? Was there like a requirement? A certain quota of blind characters to be met? Not that I have anything against the blind—no way!) _Tubb was a tech who could help them with parts and also to get the quest for a new ID signature for the ship.

Since HM was watching him like a great swooping white hawk, Cal sent Kreia and Visas (after much finessing, she had told him her name and her history and what had happened to her world and his influence with her had increased.) Force bondo was the greatest—it sealed, it smoothed out the rough spots and it held the galaxy together.

* * *

Finally! Cal gazed around at the dismal surroundings—a warren of storage rooms/flop houses-- thin pallets where the poor refugees lived in squalor. And the smell of unwashed bodies permeated the place.

Cal tried not to be rude to anyone he encountered, but they kept staring at him. One woman threw a shoe at him, saying he had stolen 600 credits from her. He gave her 900 to shut her up and she looked somewhat mollified.

"I wish I knew what was going on," he muttered to Atton. "Stay sharp, buddy. This is weird and I think more's going on than just a few glitches because I cheated."

Atton grabbed his bicep, his mouth opening and closing like a fish, a guttural sound coming from him. Cal wrenched free, but then he was doing the same fish imitation as he looked at what had to be the two Twi'leks he sought, but what had happened to them?

They were slumped against one of the storage compartments and it looked like the tops of their heads had been sliced open.

"Ewwww!" Atton raced behind another of the small buildings and heaved up everything he'd eaten that day.

Cal glowered at the two dead creatures. How could he talk to them if they were dead? Something had to be done! Cal cupped his hands to his mouth and shouted. "Calling Dr. Exactly!"

There was a sound like a grinding trash compactor and the blue POLICE BOX appeared. The door slid open and the Doctor walked out.

"Hello, Cal. You called?"

"Dr. Exactly, boy am I glad to see you!"

"Who."

"You, that's who!" Cal pointed to the very dead Twi'leks. "I need to talk to these poor fellas. Can you take me back before they died?"

"Yes, I can. I also have bicarbonate for your friend."

Cal and Atton went inside the **TARDIS **and the Doctor fixed Atton a drink to help with his stomach. Atton had just finished gulping it down when the Doctor announced they had arrived.

Cal and Atton went back outside and saw the Twi'leks, healthy and hearty...for two seconds before someone who looked identical to Cal except he had short hair, sliced their heads open and they slid to the ground just as dead as they had been a few seconds ago.

The Doctor nodded sagely when they came back inside the control room. "Looks like I need to take you back further before your evil twin Skippy kills them."

"I don't have a twin! Jaden was the one with the twin! I would know if I had a twin, especially if his name was Skippy. That's such a un Star Wars-ish name!" Cal tugged at the Doctor's scarf. "Dr. Exactly!"

"Who."

A light bulb went off over Atton's head—this one a lot brighter than the one that had blinked on over Cal's head. "Uh, I think _his_ name is Who," he told Cal.

"What?" Cal was puzzled.

"No, Who."

Cal now looked extremely puzzled and put out. "Huh?"

The Doctor met Atton's look and nodded kindly toward Cal. "Not the sharpest vibroblade in the armory, this chap, is he?"

Atton sniggered, then his amusement faded. "You know. That guy did look exactly like Cal. Doc, we've had Chuck the Introspect playing our game and Hiro, a hero, played Jaden's game. What would happen if a villain played the game? Is it possible for two Exiles to be running around in the same game? A dark side Cal and our light side Cal?"

Dr. Who pondered the question for a moment. "I suppose. It makes a lot of sense. Wherever, whenever I've gone I have encountered heroes and villains in the societies."

Cal shook his head, a stubborn tilt coming to his mouth. "No way! Hiros? There's only one Hiro. I met him."

"Heroes, dear boy."

Atton helpfully spelled out h-e-r-o-e-s and Cal relaxed a little. Then Atton returned to the discussion. "What do we do about it, Doc?"

"I must take you to Hiro and we must discover who the villain is and find out how to stop him." He pointed to a huge wardrobe. "I suggest you change into twenty-first century attire. Look for the date 2009 AD."

Cal led the way, astounded at how large the wardrobe was and how much clothing it contained. So many strange outfits, too! He turned to examine one and kept on moving, backing up, touching the material of this one, pulling that one out to look more closely at it.

Atton backed up right along with him. "Hey, Cal! What do'ya think?" Atton put on a deerstalker cap and an Inverness cape and struck a pose." Huh?"

"You look good, buddy, but it's the wrong time period. Keep looking for 2009 AD."

"Wonder what the AD stands for," Atton muttered and then his eyes widened. "It's getting fracking cold in here. I can see my breath."

Cal shivered. "I thought it was just me."

He passed a lot of fur coats and then something that smelled fragrantly of evergreen, poked him in the back and he whirled, thinking he'd been ambushed. He had been, but it was by the branch of a tree.

Cal wandered out into a winter wonderland. He opened his mouth to catch a snowflake on his tongue and also to prove he was not crazy. He had just walked out of a wardrobe onto an unknown landscape and it was snowing.

"Hey, At, let's do snow angels." Cal dropped to the ground and spread his arms and legs, then got up to look at the pretty angel he'd made.

"What the...?" Atton's eyes popped out of his head, but Cal fielded them before they could freeze, handed them back and Atton popped them right back in. "What is that....thing?"

The _thing_ looked human from the waist up, except he had large pointed ears. From the waist down it had the body of an animal with legs that ended in cloven hooves. It carried a bumbershoot over its head and began to blat speak at them.

Tears sparkled in its eyes. "Are you children of Adam?"

The sudden question took Cal and Atton by surprise. Atton yanked Cal back inside the wardrobe and both men were relieved when the temperature returned to normal. They found clothes enclosed in a plastic envelope that had some kind of strange apparatus that had to be zipped down to allow them access.

The Doctor smiled his approval when they came out of the wardrobe. "I thought you two were never coming out of the closet," he said, chuckling. "We are already in New York City in the appointed year."

Cal was wearing jeans and a black AX7 T-shirt and tennis shoes. Atton was strutting his stuff in a pair of black Dockers, white Crashtones T-shirt and short boots. Cal had his lightsaber attached to a black leather belt. Dr. Who told him it looked like a flash light. Atton had a blaster inside the large pocket on the leg of his pants.

The impact of New York City on the men who were born and raised in the Star Wars universe, was phenomenal. Carth, when he'd been taken to Tiffany's to get Jaden's engagement ring, had tried to describe the city to Cal, but nothing had prepared him for the congestion, the noise, the confusion, the noise (I know, mentioned before, but bears repeating) and the smell of all the exhaust fumes.

"How do we find Hiro?" Atton asked, gazing up, up, up at the tall skyline.

(Chuck rubs his hands gleefully and cues the music.)

I need Hiro  
I'm holding out for Hiro 'til the end of the night  
He's gotta be Japanese  
And he's gotta help, please  
And I'll fight with my saber of light.

Why some New Yorkers threw him metallic circular objects similar to credit chits and paper rectangles, Cal did not know, but he was singing with his real voice and he knew it was a good voice, so when a bunch of them clapped, he swept them a bow, grinning rakishly.

He happened to be glancing up at one of the tall skyscrapers, when he saw what looked like a man carrying another smaller man for a brief second, then several minutes later (about the length of time it would take to come down from the roof of a tall building using the stair), Hiro beckoned for him to come inside the place which was a comic book store.

A taller man who looked a lot like Atton introduced himself as Peter Petrelli. Hiro's hair looked as if he'd run it through a blender and he pushed his glasses up his nose in agitation.

"Cal, what you do here?" Then he caught sight of Dr. Who. "Dr. Who, you bring him?"

Cal shook his head kindly. "Dr. Exactly," he corrected.

Atton, Peter, the Doctor and Hiro all exchanged looks. Hiro grinned. "You not the smartest fortune in the cookie are you, Cal-son?"

Cal had not known there were fortunes in cookies, nor was he sure what a cookie was, so he thought it prudent to just grin back at Hiro.

Hiro listened intently as Cal explained what had happened. He looked startled when Cal described how the DS Cal had killed the Twi'leks and looked up to swap looks with Peter, but decided he liked the way he looked, so they swapped back. It was so quick nobody else noticed.

"So, who is playing your game this time?" Hiro asked Cal.

"Somebody named Chuck Bartowski."

"Doctor, can you find this person?"

"Of course. I can track anyone to anywhen and where."

Everyone exited the comic book store and went inside the **TARDIS**. When they stepped outside, they were in a parking lot. Cal looked up at a huge sign over the sliding glass doors to a large store. **Buy More**

"Buy more what?" he asked as they came through the doors. He was astounded when the doors slid open without him using the Force or anyone touching them.

The store was full of boxes and displays of what appeared to be antiquated computers and equipment and large screens. They walked up to a semi-circular platform where a guy sat.

Hello, my name is Chuck was on the name tag the man wore as he stood up, staring in shock at them. He was tall, with unruly dark hair and wide brown eyes and wore a white shirt.

"Uh, hello!" he said in a forced bright customer-oriented voice. "My name is Chuck. How can I help you?" He crooked a finger at Cal and whispered in his ear when the Jedi bent down. "You can't be who I think you are, _can you_?"

Cal frowned and whispered back, "I dunno. Who do you think I am?"

Hiro glared up at the tall guy. "You, Nerd Herder! You make him advance too fast!" Hiro spread his hands wide. "Force powers this big." He made a tiny circle out of an index finger and thumb. "Intelligence this big." He squeaked out the last sentence.

"Uh, guys, lighten up. It's just a game. I was just having some fun." Chuck looked around to make sure his boss Big Mike was not watching.

"Not when it affect lives of those in game. And why you name him that? X Cal'Ibur?"

Chuck looked a little sheepish. "Oh, well, I was on the computer and Morgan came up and interrupted me and I kept on typing and pushed PLAY before I realized what name I'd actually given him."

Hiro pushed his glasses up his nose. "Even his name is a glitch?! No wonder poor man so confused."

Chuck peered at his creation. He had put in a mod to make his LS Jedi look like Legolas from Lord of the Rings except not with the blond wig or the blue contacts--- since the portraits in the game were not what he wanted. Cal was buff, gorgeous---what Chuck would not have minded looking like. Case in point Anna, another Buy More employee, and all other females in the store were staring at Cal as if they would like to rip off his clothes.

"How is this possible?" he asked. His eyes got a deer-in-the-headlights expression as he flashed on Peter and then Hiro. He had not really looked at them until now.

Hiro waved a hand in front of Chuck's dazzled eyes. "You okay?"

"Y-you're Hiro Nakamura a-and you're Peter Petrelli! How did you get here? How can you possibly be...real?"

"They flew with me." Dr. Who said.

"And Dr....Who?"

Cal nodded knowingly. "I got this one. Exactly."

Chuck ignored that. "How did you get in the game? _My_ game? Or should I say how did you get him _out _of the game?"

Dr. Who shook his head. "That is not what is important here. We have a slightly defective Exile."

"What are you talking about? He has everything." Chuck leveled an exasperated look at Cal. "You took the cheats-u-mmmm, I mean, _improvements_, I put in and leveled up, right?"

Cal, looked embarrassed. "I might've by-passed intelligence for something like strength and dexterity. I am a Guardian after all.

Hiro and Peter shook their heads. Cal did, too and everyone was startled at the rattling sound they heard. "See," Hiro said. "Loose marbles, too. He needs help."

"I—uh, actually wasn't playing all the time. I—let a friend of mine take over the game when I was off on a mission." Chuck pointed to a short dark-haired man in a green T-shirt that was trying to look as if he was waiting on a female customer when all he was doing was checking her out.

Cal drew his lightsaber and was about to switch it on. "You got off on Mission?!"

Chuck's eyebrows disappeared into his hairline and he had to take a moment to find them again, coaxing them back down with a comb. He blew out a soft whistle. "Oh, I see what you mean." He rubbed his hands together. "Well, nothing we can't fix."

Cal put away his lightsaber when Dr. Who explained Chuck had meant no slight to Mission, but was referring to _**a**_ mission.

"How? If you can fix him, can you fix it so I can level up, too?" Atton smiled snarkily.

Chuck did not answer—he was staring at the entrance of the store as Casey and Sarah, his two handlers, bolted inside. He knew Casey would be packing a gun and Sarah...his eyes got all misty and a smitten look came over his face.

I can feel you watching in the night  
I'm the Intersect and it doesn't feel right.  
When I want to give up you tell me to go on.  
When I feel I can't, you show me how to be strong.  
I wish it was you... and me forever

Sara smile  
Won't you smile a while for me?

Sarah did smile and flipped her blonde pony tail. She wore a short uniform. Her cover was a worker in the yogurt place across the street. But she was not smiling at Chuck. She was smiling at the hunk. Casey noticed this and sneered.

(Adam Baldwin's song debut, well, except when he was a choir boy, snigger---Cue music!)

Aw, look at the geek staring at his love  
"Chucky's ... Chucky ... Chucky's in love"

Does she feel  
What he feels?  
When she comes near?  
I'd like to put a bullet thru his head,  
And watch it come out his ear.

(Everyone harmonizes on the last phrase.)

Chucky's in love....

Cal winced at the grinding gears sound the man's voice had made. He regarded the two newcomers. The man was tall and bulked up to a Canderous Ordo level and reminded him of Janet the crew member from the _Lightning Bug. _He offered his hand to the huge man. "Are you Janet?"

"Dammit! Janet?!" the big man thundered.

Casey and Sarah were introduced by Chuck. Atton was impressed when Chuck said the gorgeous blonde was his girlfriend. Peter and Hiro looked a little dubious. Dr. Who got things back on track and he took Cal outside, steering him inside the **TARDIS, **taking him back to Telos where he'd been a level 7 then on to Korriban until he became level 15 then back to Telos so he could talk to Kreia and become a prestige class Weapons Master, then back to Korriban in the tomb where he fought hssiss until he was back to a 50.

Chuck had secretly added another mod so Cal could go to 60 and would now share Einstein's IQ, well closer, at any rate. Dr. Who then tried the ultimate test.

"My name is Dr. Who, not exactly."

Cal frowned. "Why did you let me think it was exactly all this time?" he asked, sounding very intellectual.

Dr. Who beamed at him. "It was a misunderstanding, Cal."

"No problem. Can we go now? I need another shower and to change out of these bloody, stinky clothes."

Cal discarded the ruined clothing, showered and put on the clothes Dr. Who left outside of the refresher. He was exhausted from battling all the creatures and took a much-needed nap. When he awoke, Cal got up and gazed at himself in a full-length mirror. He had on a black T-shirt with some good-looking guy wearing all black except a priest's collar, titled _**Caleb: The Priest from Hell**_ fighting a tiny little blonde called Buffy the Slayer, black jeans, belt and new tennis shoes. He hung his lightsaber from a hook on the belt, ran a comb through his damp hair and reported to the control room.

"We've arrived back at BUY MORE, Cal." The Doctor announced cheerfully as they exited into the bright California sunshine.

Chuck and most of the others were waiting for them. Chuck's two cohorts seemed to have left the store. Atton was listening with a faked expression of interest as Hiro and Peter told him about their powers. His expression turned to one of sour bitterness as his eyes met Cal's. Inwardly, Cal sighed, knowing Atton wanted to be able to boast about his powers, only he couldn't because he did not have any!

"We've been talking while you were gone," Chuck told him. "And we came to the conclusion there could only be one person playing the dark sider Cal game and merging it with yours."

"Who is that?" Cal asked.

Peter, Hiro and Chuck all said the dreaded name at the same time. "Sylar."

_A/N Thanks to all my readers and reviewers. So many TV shows—so little time! I hope you are familiar with Chuck and Heroes and Dr. Who, or some of the jokes won't make sense—the wardrobe refers to the Narnia books. Sylar is the arch villain in Heroes. I don't own anything SW, or any of these shows. Wish I did! I don't own the songs or Buffy the Vampire Slayer and if I missed anything I don't own, apologies to any fandom!_

12


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4: The Love **_**Hawk**_

The Love _Hawk _soon will be making another run  
The Love _Hawk _promises something for everyone  
Set a course for adventure  
Your mind on a new romance...

(Key music montage)

(Kreia—port dormitory)

I'm meditating  
And right in the middle of a good dream  
like all at once I wake up  
From something that keeps knocking at my brain

(Bao—in the garage)

Before I go insane  
remembering the war  
You still need a lens  
I know I've said that before.

(Kreia, HM & Visas) (Exile, we love you!)

(Handmaiden—cargo hold)

This morning, as I worked out I got this feeling  
I didn't know how to deal with  
And so I just decided to myself  
I'd hide it to myself  
And never talk about it  
And didn't I go and shout it  
When you walked in the cargo hold.  
"Exile, I love you!"

(Visas & Kreia) (Exile, we love you!)

(Visas—starboard dormitory)

My life for yours!  
So what am I so afraid of?  
I'm afraid that I'm not sure of  
A love there is no cure for  
My life for yours!  
Isn't that what life is made of?  
Though it worries me to say  
I've never felt this way

(Atton—cockpit)

Believe me, I'm straight-X-edge so  
You don't have to worry  
I only wanna play Pazaak.  
But if you say,  
"Hey, go away", I will  
But I think better still  
I ought to stick around and fly the ship  
Do you think I made a fatal slip?  
Let me ask you once again:  
Can I be a Jedi?

(All of them)

Exile, we love you!

(A very manly snort came from the cockpit and Atton said, "Hey, not me, I _never_ sang _that_!")

And from the garage-- "Is that what I was trying to forget about the war?" Bao moaned.

Cal fled through the ship, hands over his ears as he was assaulted with the worse lyrics in the galaxy and everyone on the ship except his beloved droids were in on it.

"Atton, HM, to the garage. Atton, we're going to find those Twi'leks and get you leveled up. Unless you have done something so diabolical that even easy going Cal cannot forgive you." He winked at a suddenly stricken Atton. "Kidding!"

"Don't you want me to level up, too?" HM asked, pouting.

"Yes, my little Ice Princess," he said affably, kissing her on the cheek. "Your turn will come."

Once Dr. Who had brought him back to the ship, he and HM had sparred twice and he doubted even mud-wrestling could beat. Black, skimpy undies and bra and a choke collar were all she wore when she fought him. And he had tried to strip down to just briefs, really he had, but the game insisted he remain in that stupid underwear that looked like a toddler's Onesies. He remembered Jaden's game had allowed Canderous to take off his shirt at Davik's estate and Swagger Vasa had been buck naked! Of course he had never seen a naked buck, so he could not be for sure. All these thoughts of naked males made Cal shiver and he replaced them with a memory of a naked, swooning Bastila Shan in his arms. But this only made him sad.

Cal and the other two rushed out of the ship. Cal noticed Atton's tongue was dragging the ground and sighed. Chuck had forgotten to have HM put her clothes back on. He went to the screen on Chuck's TV in his home apartment and tapped on it and asked Bartowski to get her into something. A moment later she was wearing an Echani suit of armor and carried her handmaiden's staff. They hurried to the Refugee Sector and searched until they found the Twi'leks. Cal was just about to give them 25 credits when something in his newly enlightened brain made him stop and demand how they knew about Atton. Had they known him in the wars? Had they met him before on Nar Shaddaa? Why did they just happen to be here at this particular time? What, were they even doing in the game?

The Twi'leks looked at each other as if they found him missing a few cards from his Pazaak deck. "We are here so you can pay us a paltry 25 credits and you get the quest, you know when the little icon book pops up telling you of another quest? As to the answers to your questions, we have no answers. The game does not provide us with anything intelligent to say other than the stock dialogue, stale and trite as it is, so you can ask Atton about his murderous past. Now, if you don't pay us, you won't get the quest and he will remain smuggler, level 7 forever."

"Fine." Cal gave them a 25 credit chit, and sure enough, the little book icon popped up over his head.

Smiling, he turned to Atton, hoping he could skip pages of dialogue and just get to the Jedi Sentinel stage and leveling up, because he figured he could take a well-deserved nap while Atton leveled up 52 times.

He had put enough Force Bondo into their friendship, so Cal went to the heart of the matter, but Atton was not cooperating, even acted all surly and peeved.

"Hey, how can you even live with yourself after Malachor V?" Atton shot back at him when Cal asked him again about his past.

Malachor V was a touchy subject and it was beside the point, because Cal already knew the terrible things Atton as Captain Jaq had done—he just needed him to open up about it so he could tell him all was forgiven and Cal could promise to train him and take a nap while Atton leveled up. What was it about this game that no rest was provided? Sleep deprivation was a serious consideration, didn't they know that? That could be a valid reason why so many of the Exiles turned to the dark side—Kreia's nagging being the other.

He suddenly realized Atton was spilling his guts and the sight was so disgusting, not to mention, life-threatening. Cal stopped him and together they put his guts back in and Cal healed him and then Atton asked if he should spill the beans, but there were too many legumes to choose from, so Cal suggested Atton just come clean, but that meant the pilot would have to take a shower. Finding out about Atton's past was no walk in the park Cal discovered, and since Nar Shaddaa had no parks, it was a moot point. Cal wondered briefly what a moot was and how many points it had and then shook his head, relieved not to hear the sound of marbles rattling.

"Atton, just tell me the truth," he said finally.

Atton looked livid. "The truth?! You can't handle the truth!"

"I'm pretty sure I can."

Atton looked mollified. _Who was this Molli and shouldn't he look Atton-fied?_ Having so much intelligence sometimes gave Cal a headache. Thoughts of quantum physics and E=Mc squared kept crowding out the every day stuff.

"Well, okay, there was this girl..."

Cal found there were some things in the galaxy hard to forgive, but, Atton was right when he said Cal had killed Jedi in the past by following Revan's orders (Luce Cannon's, not Jaden's) and he was responsible for what happened on Dxun and Malachor V.

"I forgive you and together we can rule the galaxy as father and son."

Atton stared at him. "Wha....?"

(_Off-camera the frazzled director calls, "Line!")_

Cal looked startled for a moment. "Canon, my bad," he said apologetically. "Together we can stop the Sith and, yes, I will train you, Atton."

The music chimed that meant Atton could level up and Cal told the new Jedi Sentinel to go for it and settled down to take a nap. He used his arm for a pillow, closed his eyes and drifted off. While he was sleeping, someone lifted his head and there was a terrible, piercing pain like his head had just split open like a melon.

From a long distance, he heard Atton calling his name and when he opened his eyes, he saw Atton, HM and a man who should have M.D. after his name. What was his name?

Atton, with his now super healing ability, was using it to heal the part of Cal's head that had been sliced open. Shouldn't the doctor be helping him, Cal thought groggily.

"Sylar's Exile has his ability to slice open the skull and take the other Jedi's powers," the doctor was explaining.

Suddenly, Cal smiled as a very dim light bulb glimmered faintly over his head and the name came to him. "Dr. Exactly!"

In unison, everyone moaned, "Not again!"

"It's Who, Cal," the doctor said without much hope.

Cal grinned . There was a VACANCY sign flashing on his temple. "Me Cal, you Exactly."

Hiro and Peter were there, too. They had been trying to track down Sylar, their arch enemy. Hiro shook his head in sympathy for the addle-pated Jedi.

"He in bad shape again."

Peter offered to fly Cal to Korriban to level up again, but Dr. Who said he would have to go back in time. Peter told him he actually had that ability, but deferred to the doctor's mode of transportation.

"Cal, dear boy, would you like to go for a ride?"

Cal was pulling stuffing out of his ears and was looking at it, truly puzzled.

Atton snapped his fingers in front of Cal's face. The brown eyes looked at him dully. The light bulb flickered and almost died. "He's in worse shape than ever," Atton told the others.

_(Cue music!) Cal sings_

I could while away the hours, while Master Vrook, he glowers

Causing me much pain

And my head I'd be scratchin' while Revan's busy hatchin'

Another plan that is lame.

I'd unravel every riddle for any individ'le,

In trouble or in pain.

(All of the others)

If you only had a brain...

Dr. Who stopped Cal from walking the yellow brick road that had suddenly appeared, and guided him into the **TARDIS.** Hiro suggested that he not level Cal's intelligence up too much as he seemed to need his Guardian strengths more than anything else. While he was gone, Atton got bored and went all around the complex, clearing out the Serroco gang for the refugees, accidentally taking on side-quests just because he tried to chat up three women, one who turned out to be married looking for her husband. The other needed a transport off Nar Shaddaa and the other wanted him to rescue her daughter from the Exchange boss.

Atton came back and asked HM if she would like to accompany him since Cal wasn't back yet. She reluctantly agreed. They did not really get along since he'd taken a Holonet course on Echani fighting techniques and could fake it with the best of them.

Because Atton's intelligence level was right where it should be, he was smart enough not to engage in any fights with the huge Gamorrean pig guards in the Exchange's part of the complex. He asked to see the Quarren boss Sasquesh and received funny looks, but was allowed to walk into the office.

"Well, if t'isn't Captain Jaq," a decidely Scottish voice said.

Atton froze, well, not literally because then he would have been an Atton-sicle, but he could not move as he stared in horror at a face even a mother could not love. The most disturbing feature was the cephalopod-like head, primarily a "beard" composed of tentacles. A prominent sac bulged from underneath his barnacle-encrusted tricorne hat. He had no nose but breathed through a siphon on the side of his face. He had a crustacean-style claw for his left arm, a long tentacle in place of the index finger on his right hand, and the right leg of a crab, resembling a peg-leg.

"Uh, you must have me mixed up with someone else, mate," Atton blurted, trying not to slur his words, or fall into the old habit of walking like he wasn't used to land or being sober.

"Jaq, you canna fool your old pal Davy Q. Jones."

"What's the Q stand for?"

"Are ye daft, mon? Q stands for quarren!" Davy Jones took out his pipe, held it with his long tentacle, tamped in tobacco, lit and took a deep puff. It really freaked out Atton when the smoke came out the siphon on the side of his face.

"I thought Q was that gadgets guy for 007."

"Ye'll no be talking your way out of this one, Jaq. I'm sending you and your ship to the Locker!"

"Ah, c'mon, Jones, have a heart!"

"You know very well I do nae have one." A wistful look came over his crustacean face. "If only I did.."

_(Cue music) Davy Q Jones sings_

When a man's an empty kettle he should be on his mettle,  
And yet I'm torn apart.  
Just because I'm presumin' that I could be kind-a-human,  
If I only had a heart.

"Actually, he does and it's right here."

Atton whirled around at the sound of a familiar, friendly voice. Cal was standing there with a chest that rested on his shoulder. The dim bulb had been replaced by an environmentally friendly light and he grinned amiably at Atton.

"You are in the wrong game, Dr. Jones."

Atton winced as Davy Jones sputtered, "You're still missing a wee bit of matter from that brain of yours!"

Cal whistled a little tune and then smiled when the TARDIS appeared in the room. Dr. Who came out, dropped a huge lobster cage over Davy Jones and Cal and Atton carried it inside. Cal retrieved the chest he had left outside and gave it to the good doctor.

"I will take him and the chest back to the correct game."

"Thanks, Dr. Exactly." Cal smiled playfully, so Dr. Who was not sure whether he was joking or not. The TARDIS disappeared a second later.

Atton blew out a big sigh of relief. "I thought I was a goner there for a moment. Good to have you back, Cal. How's your head?"

"I have all my powers, but I kept my intelligence at a level 16. Truth is, being that smart made me feel how dumb I used to be."

"Of course it did." Atton stretched his arms over his head. "We have some side-quests to do and then you have to walk into a trap in the Jekk' Jekk Tarr, a poisonous spa where lots and lots of guys will do their best to kill you and you'll be captured and taken to Goto's ship."

Cal looked at him as if he had a loose screw. Atton knew he didn't. He had tightened all of them earlier in the day.

"Why the hell would I do that? I know it's a trap? Poisonous? Attacked? Captured? Taken? Why would I do that?"

Atton sighed. "I know, sounds really stupid, doesn't it? And, since you have a 16th level of intelligence, you clearly are not stupid. But..."

"I hate big butts and I cannot lie!" Cal began and Atton took him firmly by the shoulders.

"No, Cal. You are a terrible rapper, so do me and the world a favor and quit!" Atton released his grip and took a couple steps back "Besides it was b-u-t and what I was going to say was it's another one of those dumb ass things in the game to move it along."

"But we have Chuck playing it. Can't he put in a mod to skip this part of the game?" Cal's expression told of his reluctance. "I don't want to go to the JJT and get poisoned and get captured." A thought occurred to him. "Besides, shouldn't we get off this planet in case that Sylar Exile is still running around?"

"We-lll, I have good news and bad news about that."

"What's the good news?" With Atton the good news sometimes was quite bad.

"Good news is Sylar Exile did what he came to do and has left Nar Shaddaa according to Hiro and Peter."

"Bad news?"

"He killed Master Zez-wha-is-name and took all his powers."

"Did he leave his lightsaber by any chance?" Cal said after a moment of deliberation.

"Uh, dunno. We have side quests."

"Which we don't have to do."

"I want a lightsaber!" Atton said stubbornly. "All we lack for parts is the lens."

"I've made fifty lenses!"

"Yeah, but to get the lightsaber we need the lens from the guy at the docks in the flophouse. To do that, we first have to kill every guard in this place, but first, we have to get the quest by talking to him."

"You couldn't have done that while I was on Korriban leveling up again?"

Atton ran his fingers through his hair. The answer to him was obvious. Cal gestured. "Since we're here, can we kill the guards before we go talk to this guy?"

"Should be okay."

Cal and Atton and HM wiped out all the guards. Although they were big, they really were very easy to take out, so it took them only a few minutes. They raced over to the docks and found Lootra, another generic male who told them a sad tale about his wife Aaida. Atton knew just where she was so they rushed back to the Refugee Sector, talked to her and told her the way had been cleared so she could join her husband.

Puffing, they raced back to the docks and found Aaida was in the room with Lootra. Cal skidded to a halt just outside the room, panting. "How did she get here so fast? I used Force speed and she beat us?"

"Games move in mysterious ways," HM said, speaking for the first time in an hour. "I see now how you stay in shape, Cal—running everywhere."

"Yeah, and to the same places," he groused, but his sunny disposition could not be replaced by gloom and doom. They found a lightsaber lying in the last room after Lootra's. Cal had to use his to force open the door. That was all that was left of Jedi Master Zez-Kai-El. Cal handed the hilt to Atton and gave him a few pointers: like before you turn it on, make sure the "blade" is facing away from you; never throw it at a bad guy in a crowd of innocents because it cannot distinguish bad from good and will take off their heads, too and, last, but certainly not least, and always be sure to turn it off before you put it back on your utility belt or you could lose something very important.

Lootra, in gratitude, had given them the lens the game needed to make Bao shut up. The game-master, Chuck switched HM out for Bao just long enough for Cal to ask him if he had everything he needed to build a lightsaber and Bao replied all he needed was a little time alone with a workbench. Success! Chuck changed Bao out for T3-who he had to level up 52 times and an hour later T3 up-graded the lightsaber that had just seemed to materialize from thin air.

Atton was happy now, except he asked that Zez-Kai-El's pretty purple be replaced with yellow. He hung it on his belt and sauntered. Cal shoved the other lightsaber in the RPG sack. They stopped to loot every other room and found three Mandalorians, two who just grunted when Cal tried to talk to them, but the one in the middle told him he did not want to talk to him. To Cal this was like waving a red flag in front of a bull.

"Why don't you want to talk to me?"

"I don't want to talk to you," the Mandalorian in the golden armor said, with an Aussie accent.

"Why not? I'm a nice guy. With a decent voice I might add."

Atton had an idea and whispered it to Cal. The Exile turned back to the Mandalorians. "Would you sing to me?"

The Mandalorian in the golden armor sounded a little flustered as he consulted his co-horts.

(Cue music to Camelot)

We came here after Malachor Five

Barely made it outta there alive

We're waiting for the one who can unit us

The one called Mandalore!

Mandalore! Mandalore!

When he comes walking through the door

We'll know he's Mandalore

Mandalore!

Because he's wearing the helm of Mandalore!

And that will make us sure

That he is Mandalore!

Then we will wait no more...

Cal and Atton and HM, who Chuck had brought back, sneaked out of the room while the Mandalorians were still singing. Cal called for Dr. Exactly because he wanted the good doctor to take him to where Mandalore was. The TARDIS took them to the Mandalorian fortress on Dxun, dropping right inside the leader's security complex. Cal came outside. Armor, check, helm of Mandalore, check.

Mandalore turned from where he was correlating with the Mandalorian scouts on the moon. To give him credit he did not seem the least bit worried that a blue POLICE BOX, two Jedis, a handmaiden, and a strange-looking doctor were in his domain.

"Are you Mandalore?"

"Yes, hence the helmet." The voice was deep, enhanced by a voice-coder, but Cal recognized it.

"Canderous Ordo!? Is that you?"

"I am Mandalore now."

"Oh, okay. I ran into three Mandalorians and they are waiting for you on Nar Shaddaa."

Mandalore was persuaded (yep, you guessed it, with the Force) to go inside the TARDIS which landed right outside the Mandalorians' room.

"Mandalore!" the golden-armored Mandalorian shouted.

"How can we know for sure?" one of the others sang.

"He's wearing the helm of Mandalore so that makes him Mandalore," the other Mandalorian sang.

"You can be sure, that I am Mandalore." Canderous soloed.

Atton put his hands over his ears and sang piteously, "Please don't sing it any more."

Cal added, "Just accept he's Mandalore and let's go out the door."

Cal placed a hand on Atton's shoulder, nodding in sympathy. What would be the odds they would discover three tone-deaf Mandalorians in one room?

Mandalore and the others were taken into the TARDIS and it disappeared with a whump of displaced air.

Atton rubbed his hands as if washing them. "Glad that's over. They were stuck in a singing loop."

Cal walked up to the screen and tapped it. "Can you please insert a mod so I can skip the JJT and GOTO's ship?"

Startled brown eyes met his and there was a smile and a nod. "Better finish any other quests before I do. There is someone you need to find. Her name is Mira."

Cal followed Chuck's instructions and instigated the cut scene, but he had a gold Pazaak card up his sleeve. He already had the breath bubble since he had skipped to future. Mods were a wonderful thing! So, when Mira tried to knock him out with gas she found out he was not such an easy target.

Mira, dressed in a greenish-black leather outfit that left her midriff bare and exposed her cleavage, was a red-haired, green-eyed babe. Cal quickly applied some Force Bondo and Mira forgot all about taking his space suit into the JJT. He told her she would be caught and have to fight Hanharr, so she was pretty open to the idea of coming with him.

He went through twelve pages of dialogue once they got on the ship but she still would not listen to him, so, since it seemed to work with everyone else in this chapter, Cal began to sing.

Mira! I just met a girl called Mira

I look into her green eyes

And I cannot disguise I want her...

To come with me and become a Jedi

(Mira)

I like to be on Nar Shaddaa

OK for me on Nar Shaddaa

I get my fees on Nar Shaddaa

Best bounty hunter on Nar Shaddaa!

(Cal) He took her hands in his and gazed deeply into her eyes.

There's a time for us,  
Some day a time for us,  
Time together with time to spare,  
Time to learn, time to care,  
Some day!

(Mira) She closed her eyes and he kissed her.

I feel stunning  
And entrancing,  
Feel like running and dancing for joy,  
For I'm loved  
By a handsome Jedi boy!

Mira stepped back from the kiss. Cal and she were alone. He waited while she leveled up 54 times. It gave him another opportunity to take a nap. They walked on the boardwalk, holding hands and talked. Cal was sad about Master Zez's terrible end. Mira looked at him as if she was concerned she was breaking a sacred trust, but he was just so irresistible she had to tell him.

"There's another Jedi here."

"A Jedi Master?

She nodded and pulled him into an alley where they had an intense make-out session. She took him back to the flophouse. He was introduced to the Jedi Master, who was 5' 10", had curly dark blond hair and green eyes with gold specks in them. He had a charming, secretive smile that made Cal think he was trying to pull one over on him, and an accent very similar to the Mandalorian in the golden armor.

Cal quickly made a side trip to the Refugee Sector again so he could finish any side quests. He invited Kahranna to come with him out of the slum and she agreed. The girl Adana had already been freed and united with her mother, but he got another lightsaber part from the mother and a kiss on the cheek, which made Mira smack him hard on the shoulder. He healed the sick refugee who gave him a lightsaber part. He invited Otis the pilot to come with them to the flophouse where he introduced him to three Weequays whose captain seemed to have taken residence in the JJT.

"Is that all?" the Jedi Master asked, his eyes gleaming with secret mirth.

Cal nodded, never so happy than to reach his ship and NOT find the band of ruthless slave traders called the Red Eclipse on board. _Thank you, Chuck!_

Atton met him on the loading ramp. "Who are all these people?" he asked.

Cal introduced Mira and Kahranna and then realized he did not know the Jedi Master's name.

"And you are?" Atton asked.

The Jedi Master whispered his name in Atton's ear. Cal wondered why Atton smirked at him.

"Where are we going next?" Cal wondered aloud.

"Hey, we can go anywhere in the galaxy," Atton said, as if he'd waited his entire life to say it. "We have Visas and Master Kaarde."

_A/N Songs-The Love Boat—I Think I Love You (Partridge Family—If I only had a Brain & If I only had a Heart from the Wizard of Oz—Camelot musical—Maria, America & Somewhere from Westside Story—I certainly do not own the original lyrics or Star Wars, but I do own a wacko sense of humor. Enjoy!_

10


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5:

_**Dantooine, oh, Dantooine**_

_I still hear Revan calling_

_Knowing soon he'll be falling_

_I was eighteen..._

_When I left Dantooine_

Cal heard the sound of music—well, to his ears at any rate. Droids. Beeping, booping, buzzing, whatever noise they made soothed him. However, the pilot, as he now thought of Atton, hated droids and was nagging him for going back and rescuing three more before they left Nar Shaddaa.

Atton followed him all over the ship, and there was no escape because they were in hyperspace, so Cal had to put up with it. Atton pursued him relentlessly, even when he ducked into Kriea's domain, the port dormitory, he could not escape the pilot's haranguing tongue, which creeped him out since he'd never seen a tongue do that before—detach itself from its owner and follow him? Ew-www!

"You said you wouldn't do it," Atton finally appeared, rolling his tongue back into his mouth where it belonged. He was really riled up. "After we got rid of the two from Citadel Station, you told me no more!"

Cal stopped and turned to face the pilot in the hallway next to the cargo bay and Atton slammed into him. They bumped heads sharply, both grousing at the other, until Cal sent a wave of healing. "Atton, buddy, pal, pirate, pilot, dude!"

Atton shook his head and raised his hands in a gesture that plainly told Cal he'd had enough. "Don't you buddy etc. me, Cal. We got rid of two and took on three?!!"

Cal idly wondered if there was such a power as Force Lockjaw so Atton wouldn't be able to open his mouth and keep on badgering him, but he was pretty sure if such a power existed it had to be Dark Side. Sighing, he put his hands on his hips and glared at his irate friend.

"Atton, I _had _to rescue them! The droid in the pazaak den...well, the poor thing was stuck in a loop playing a game she hated. And Tienn Tubb...well, you heard TT-32. How many droids have been destroyed? I took TT-32 and his little astro-bud and gave Tubb the two from Citadel Station as a trade. So, really, we only gained one more, from a certain point of view."

Atton was livid. "A c-certain point of view?!"

Cal nodded. "Yeah, that's what the Jedi Masters taught us in Jedi 101: A Certain Point of View."

"Are you kidding me? Let me tell you something, Cal, from _my _point of view—when we reach Dantooine, I catch you even _looking_ at another droid, I will kick your Jedi ass all over the plains!"

There was a soft beeping from the console in the cockpit and Atton and Cal were soon looking out at the peaceful world. Dantooine...beautiful from space, resembling a brown, green and blue marble, and beautiful when they landed at a port that had not been there when Cal attended Jedi U at the Enclave.

Cal had almost forgotten about Master Kaarde. He found him in the garage meditating. Kaarde was standing on the toes of one foot, his arms outstretched to the sides with lit lightsabers standing straight up from his open palms. His eyes were closed serenely. Cal gaped. Bao was doing his thing, which was fixing the ship, although it had already been fixed several times.

The Zabrak came over and Cal pointed to the Jedi Master. "Master Kaarde has an outstanding balance, General," Bao whispered.

The green eyes popped open and the two lightsabers turned off and floated to the workbench. "Yes, it does draw a lot of interest."

"Will you be coming with us?" Cal asked. There was something about this guy that lit his Danger Alert sign.

He was relieved when Master Kaarde shook his tousled head. "No. I shall join Master Vrook at the Enclave." He gave a playful wave over his shoulder as he walked out of the garage.

Cal swept down the loading ramp, his Jedi robes flowing, the scented breeze catching his hair and sending it back in a banner, and his entourage followed. He had told the droids to stay in the garage, port and starboard dorms, cargo bay and main hold, and wherever else they could find room. He supposed Atton had a point, come to think of it, and Cal did think occasionally. Kreia complained about having to share her space with a droid and he knew Visas and Bao, and of course, Atton weren't too pleased either. No more droids, he decided.

Until...he saw the poor protocol droid wandering in circles and obviously in need of serious help and repair, which he rendered before Atton could stop him. The droid immediately identified Cal as a Jedim and that caused some mechanic to rush over, eyes wild and foaming at the mouth.

"That droid called you a Jedi!"

"Did not." Cal stood in his flowing robes, holding the hilt of his rainbow colored lightsaber. "Do I look like a Jedi?"

"Ya got a lightsaber and you're dressed like a freaking Jedi, so, yeah, you do!"

Cal put a finger to his lips. "I'd rather keep that quiet, if you don't mind."

"I DO mind, Jedi!" If the mechanic shouted from the roof tops, he could not have been louder. Cal watched in consternation as the man whipped out a bull horn and held it to his mouth. "People of Dantooine! We have a Jedi amongst us! He's worth a lot of credits. I say we all gang up on him and..."

Cal clocked him with the hilt of his lightsaber. Atton dragged him over beside the vehicle he'd been working on, laid him on the repulsor cart and pushed him under the speeder.

Cal took the bull horn and did a passable imitation of the man's voice. "Ha! Ha! Kidding! There's no Jedi. Just joshing, you know, fooling around—joking—teasing—"

Atton jerked the bullhorn away from Cal. "Stop!" he hissed and tossed the bullhorn on top of the speeder. "I better not find that droid on the ship when we get back," the pilot told Cal. He pointed at the protocol droid that was leaning nonchalantly against one of the struts attached to the loading ramp.

"Why are you so out of sorts?" Cal asked after he told everyone to split into groups of two or three, recon the area, find out what needed to be found out, and gather the points that were available while he, Atton and Mira would handle the main quests.

Atton shrugged. "I don't know. I just feel like something bad is going to happen, but I can't put my finger on it."

"Must not be very close if you can't put your finger on it," Cal said sagely.

Kahranna, from the Refugee Sector, and her family came down the ramp and she hugged Cal and thanked him for the ride. His ears went pink when he saw the way Mira, Visas, HM and Kreia glared at him. Could he help it if he liked to help people out and most of them turned out to be damsels in distress? Besides, technically Visas and Kreia couldn't see him anyway.

Dillan, the official star ship greeter, did not care for the idea of Jedi present on Dantooine and went into a rant as she accompanied them to Khoonda. Cal stopped and gazed at the place, memory supplying him with a name: Matale. This used to be the Matale residence!

He recalled the owner, a mean-hearted man of generic game appearance, and his son Shen. Cal and Shen had been friends. They had formed a boy's club with Casus Sandral, a one-for-all-all-for-one. It had to remain secret because the Sandrals and Matales were locked in a bitter feud—kind of like the Hatfields and the McCoys or the Capulets and the Montagues, whoever they were. And Cal could not let the Jedi Council know of his alliance to the two non-Force sensitive boys or he would have been disciplined.

He could see vast differences in the estate—it had been converted from a home into a military base. Turrets were mounted on the corners in the front and part of the plains had been fuse-cut to provide room for the port.

"Wow," Atton commented laconically. "Impressive. To fight off the Republic?"

"I suppose," Call responded.

"The Republic was here." Dillan pointed to several port-a-potties on the far side of the estate. "They left their Republic cans."

"Oh." Cal was grateful the breeze was blowing in the other direction.

Dillan did not come inside and returned to the port. Cal overheard two female settlers arguing in the corner about who would do what to any Jedi should they see one. Cal tucked his lightsaber discreetly into a hidden pocket in his robe and tried to look as non-Jedi as he could. He was allowed to see Administrator Terena Adare, a severe-looking woman with brown hair pulled up into a bun and brown eyes that saw through his pretense immediately.

"Master Vrook has gone missing," she told him. He hoped she could not see into his soul, where he was jumping for joy. He had never liked the terse old man.

"And, let me guess," Atton said before Cal could speak. "You want us to find him and rescue him out of the goodness of our hearts. Listen, sister, my heart only has so much goodness and we are way overdue for some monetary gain for all the good works we do."

Cal was staring at Adare's face. There was something right between her eyes on her forehead... He was seeing spots! Did it mean his eyesight was going? He blinked several times to clear his vision, but the spots were still there. Two small ones over her eyebrows and two larger ones in the middle of her forehead. He averted his gaze to Atton—no spots. To Mira—no spots. Back to Adare—spots! _Okay, so put your new intelligence to work. What else could it be? Make up? There are certain cultures that place jewels in their belly buttons, but these aren't jewels. Tattoos! She has the spots tattooed on her forehead. What a relief!_

Cal glared at the out-spoken pilot. "What he means is, Administrator Spots-uh, Adare, we're a little low on credits, but if we happen upon Master Vrook during all our other exploits for monetary gain and to get points, we'll be sure to help him out." He turned and gave Atton an exaggerated wink that said _like hell we will! _The pilot smirked in response.

Terena tried to react, but her mod kept her face the same and the spots remained.

"I am sure I can come up with, oh, say, 4,000 credits as a reward and I am also sure rescuing Vrook will gain you points." Adare could not smile nor warm up her expression; a mod was a mod, after all.

"Have you gone to the Enclave?" Cal asked, stating the obvious because sometimes the obvious was over looked.

"I did go there, but the laigreks swarm inside the lower level and it's too dangerous to..."

Atton snorted. "Ha! Now the truth comes out. You want us to go into laigrek-infested waters to rescue a frackin' Jedi! Count me out, sister!"

Adare could not frown, although she wanted to and Cal could see her actually trying to force something other than the mod-gen expression, but she could not, so she tried to put some disdain in her voice.

"I am pretty sure there is no water down there."

Cal, Atton and Mira's mouths dropped open. Atton found his voice first—no surprise there. "It was a metaphor."

"Meta-for what?" Cal asked, scratching his head.

Atton rolled his eyes. "Never mind. I'm still not doing it."

Mira laughed. "What's so hard about laigreks? We go to the general store—you should be welcome there, Cal—we buy a big can of _LAIGREK-B-GONE_ and spray as we go. What could be more simple?"

Cal kissed her. He wanted to do more, but decorum prevented him and he stepped back when her arms tried to pull him closer.

"If we had the time, I'd say get a room." Atton told them. "Unlock the Enclave and we'll see if we can find your missing Jedi." To himself he thought, _hopefully, he's laigrek compost by now._

They stopped and talked to Adum Larp inside the complex and bought the entire supply of L-B-G spray. "Mesa gotta someting yousa needsa," Adum scratched his horny head and his snout quivered. "Yousa needsa thisa."

"What the hell is he saying?" Cal asked Atton, who shrugged. "Never heard a Rodian speak like that."

"Statement: I am fluent in over five trillion languages." A voice came from behind. "Clarification: The Rodian meatbag is speaking Gungan. Hilarious addendum: What is the name of a Gungan leader who is very loud? Answer: Gungan Din! Raucous laughter: Hee-hee!"

Atton whirled and stared at the droid. "You fixed the assassin droid?!"

Cal hung his head. Fixing HK-47 while they were in hyperspace had been his guilty pleasure. The droid had originally belonged to Jaden's twin brother Luce Canon Revan—hand built to kill Jedi; but, hey, HK was only doing what he'd been programmed! When she had traveled with the droid Jaden had modified him and now he told the worst jokes in the galaxy. Hence, the Gungan joke. _Very_ bad!

"Query: Would the meatbag formerly known as Captain Jaq like me to comment on his dark past to the other meatbags?"

"No," Atton said sullenly. "You could be useful and translate. You know, perform one of your primary functions like a normal droid."

"Addendum: As I was saying..."

Cal raised a hand. "No more jokes right now, HK. They're just too funny and my squishy gut might bust if you tell anymore."

HK could not look mollified since he was HK and not Molly, but he could _sound_ that way. "Statement: Very well. I shall refrain from any more jokes until your incompetent meatbag body allows it."

Atton gave Cal a gratified smile. "Thanks, buddy. He's just a little too much to take since we are headed into the Enclave to fight nasty bugs and find another Force sensitive." Atton frowned as something occurred to him. "Hey, wait a minute!" He dug in his RPG rucksack and pulled out his kath-hound eared copy of _KotOR for Fools_ and turned to the scenario on Dantooine. "Just as I thought! You're not a female, so the blond dude isn't going to join the ranks."

Cal frowned as he perused the pages Atton had marked. "Well, we haven't exactly kept to the rules or regular mods of the game." He walked up to the fourth wall and tapped on Chuck's TV screen. "Hey, Chuck, do you think you could insert a mod that allows the Disciple to follow me even if I'm not a girl?"

A pair of big startled brown eyes regarded him for a moment and then there was a nod of agreement.

"Look, I already know Blondie and I are going to butt heads."

Cal scratched lightly at the stubble on his chin. He gazed thoughtfully at Atton for a moment. "If you think he'll cause trouble, then we'll leave him behind, okay?"

Mira rolled her eyes. "Let me ask you something, flyboy. If Cal here isn't a girl, then you and the Disciple shouldn't have a problem. Cal loaned me his copy of the guide and it says you and he want the Exile if the Exile is a female." Mira pulled back the sleeve on Cal's robe, displaying the hard bicep. "As you can see, Cal is clearly all male."

"Okay, but have you read any fan fic? Because the Disciple is written about the least. Besides which, he is considered one of--if not _the_--most hated character in the story. I mean, even when the Exile's a female, he's a wasted character. He..."

Cal made a gesture that told Atton he'd heard enough. "Every time someone says that, a Disciple that drops dead. Do you want to be responsible for another blond wannabe dropping dead?"

"The Disciple is a wasted character," Atton repeated with disdainful glee. He made a fist and waved it in the air. "Ha! That oughta take care of him."

"Atton, that was such a dark side thing to say," Cal chided.

"Can we save them?" Mira asked with somewhat less concern than she felt.

"If we clap our hands and say 'I do believe in Disciples!' as loud as we can, that will revive the dying Disciples."

And so they spent the next few minutes clapping and shouting "I do believe in Disciples! I do! I do!"

"Enough!" Atton declared and the shouting stopped. "Whatcha got, Adum?" he asked the vendor.

"Mesa gotsa..." Adum started to say and Mira cut him off, pointing to the strange weapon he was holding out to Cal. "Looks like a super weapon to use against the laigreks."

"I'll take it."

Cal led the way past the stinky arm pit of a Salvager camp, telling everyone to keep down wind. They had to fight several huge spiders they later learned were called kinrath, and were soon covered in webs and spider goo.

"What I want to know," Atton panted as another kinrath fell to his lightsaber. "...is why don't they attack the salvagers?"

Cal wrinkled his nose. "Did you smell the salvagers? If I was a big nasty spider I wouldn't go near them either."

"I vote we go talk to that guy on the hill that the spiders aren't bothering," Mira suggested.

They climbed the hill and found a generic guy with a generic mod face who was dressed in a generic uniform. Cal and the other two waded through the spiders to reach him. Cal quickly went to the icon screen and told Mira not to react to anything the man had to say, then he and Bao stepped forward. The man told them he needed them to find some atmospheric sensors. Bao, of course, knew this was nonsense as Dantooine was a temperate world, but it gave Cal some more influence with the Zabrak. They took the quest and headed for the Crystal Cave.

"Uh, Cal..." Atton stopped and scratched his head. "I don't remember there being _two_ caves here, do you?"

"Two?" Cal's head swiveled as he looked from one cave entrance to the other. "Two caves?"

"Forget it." Mira brushed past the confused Jedi and entered the less stinky cave. "Let's go get the sensors."

"Wow-ow-ow-ow!" Cal's exclamation bounced off the walls of the cave. "This is a big-ig-ig caaaave." He grinned with glee. "Hello!" He listened to the resultant _hello – hello – hello_.

Bao put his hands to his mouth and shouted, "Yodel-lady-whoooooo!"

"Oh, for crying out loud-oud-oud!" Atton grumbled.

"Will you guys-uys-uys..." Mira stopped and put her hands over her ears. "Shhhhhhh!" Even that echoed to the far reaches of the cave.

"What's that?" Atton lowered his voice to a whisper. A _shushing_ sound came from deep in the cave. The team members looked at each other as the sound got louder, as if something was coming closer.

"Yipe-ipe-ipe!" Mira screamed and ducked as a black cloud _wooshed_ overhead.

"Bats-ats-ats-ats!" Atton swatted at a few strays as they whizzed past his ears.

"What is this place?" Bao asked quietly.

"It's the Bat Cave." They watched in alarm as a man clad completely in black swooped down in front of them.

"Who are you?" Mira admired the definition on the black chest.

"I'm Batman."

"Actually," Another black clad figure swooped in, his cape billowing out behind him. "_I'm_ Batman."

"Well, no." The third one seemed a little flustered. "I was the first, so technically _I'm_ the _real_ Batman."

There was a high-pitched squealing as a chair on wheels rolled in from the darkness. "You're too short to be Batman. I was the first."

"Look who's talking about being short!" The flustered one bent down to look at the man in the chair.

"Cotton?" One of the other men asked. "Your costume is _cotton?"_

"It's Spandex," he defended.

"You can't _all_ be Batman." Cal looked the four up and down. "Bat_men_ maybe..."

"You're not Batman!" One poked another in the chest. "You're Beetlejuice."

"_Beetle_ juice?" Cal queried. "That sounds disgusting."

"Not Beetle juice," the offended caped crusader growled. "Beetlejuice!" He jumped up and down. "Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice!" His shoulders slumped. "Oh, no, not again." There was a _pop_ and he transformed into a wild-haired, crazy-eyed creature in a black and white striped outfit.

"That'll teach you." There was a deep laugh.

"You guys are pathetic." The team had given up trying to figure out which Batman was which. "Spandex Man. Prison-striped dead guy. And..." He leaned close to the last Batman standing. "_Nipples?"_

"Hey," Deep Voice said in offense. "It came with the costume."

Cal nodded. "Yeah, I thought those were nipples, but I didn't want to say anything." He glanced at his crew. "Being polite." He turned back to the Batmen. "Actually, I think they're a good idea."

"What?" The non-nippled Batman asked.

"When you're in a fight, the bad guys would be looking at them and thinking, 'Hey, that guy's got very pronounced nipples', and you get the upper hand."

"We're not talking _hands_ here, we're talking _nipples._" No Nipples retorted. "And I don't have nipples."

"You poor thing," Mira commiserated.

Another loud noise bounced around the cave and the team covered their ears and cringed. Then there were voices.

"Holy Confusion, Batman, there's more than one of me!"

"Who's that?" Mira asked.

"Robin!" A young man in shorts and a mask ran out of the shadows. "I'm Batman's sidekick."

"Why would you want to kick him in the side?" Cal asked.

"_I'm_ Robin!" A more athletic looking young blond man swooped down from somewhere above. "And there's more than one of _you_, Batman!"

"Hey!" No Nipples complained. "I didn't have a Robin."

"Neither did I," Beetlejuice added.

"Ever think maybe that's why your movies bombed?" One of the Robins retorted.

"Actually, mine was the only one that bombed," Nipples confessed. "And when they decided to continue the franchise, I was the only one who had a Robin."

Beetlejuice scowled and turned away, repeating, "I'm Batman. _I'm_ Batman. I'M Batman." It didn't work and he didn't transform into Batman. He jumped up and down and tore at his wild hair. "Aw, come on-on-on! The critics said I couldn't be Batman—too short—too non-descript—and I proved them wrong-ong-ong! I had two blockbuster movies as Batman. I deserve some respect here-ere-ere-ere!" Suddenly, there was a loud _pop_ and he was back in black.

{Cue AC DC song _Back in Black_}

Bap! Ka-Pow! Zap! Bam!

Cal watched in alarm as words encased in large speech balloons appeared over the heads of the Batmen and Robins duking it out.

{Director, off camera- "Lower lights, cue Dark Knight theme!"}

"I'm the Dark Knight and I'm the best Batman ever!"

The other Batmen backed away nervously as a tall, slender version of the Batman appeared in a puff of smoke. He was imposing and his brown eyes flashed as he beheld them.

"Oooooh!" Mira approached the newcomer and ran her hands over his chest. "What definition. What abs....Hey, wait a minute! This is rubber!"

"Latex," he corrected.

"We'll have none of that," Cal admonished. "This is PG-13."

"Latex, Spandex, what's the difference?" She rapped her knuckles on the man's chest. "It's fake."

"The difference," he said haughtily, "is that _I_ don't look like a Gnubian Fruit Fly."

"It's still fake," she insisted. "What do you look like under there?" She tapped again. "What's this suit hiding?" She ran a hand over his chest again. "Do you have nipples?"

"You don't want to mess with him," Beetlejuice Batman whispered cautiously. "He was the American Psycho and he's been known to get violent and abusive on the set."

"You're (Director censors) !!$%&**!!!! I can get abusive! (!!#$%!!!"

Cal watched in amazement as the air in the cave turned blue.

The other Batmen stuck their hands out at chest height and chorused, "We are not worthy."

The Dark Knight gazed impassively at them, then turned to Cal and his team. "You're in the wrong cave. I suggest you go while you still can." He raised an admonishing finger at Cal. "And this place is supposed to be a !!$%&** secret."

Cal crossed his heart. "I won't tell. I swear. I, too, am a Knight." He didn't hear Atton murmur, "Of sorts."

The Dark Knight crossed his arms over his chest and nodded. "You can go." He swept the others with a gaze that made them stop their groveling. "You all had your nights in the Bat Cave, but now it is mine. You can go, too." When Mira moved away, he reached out and put a hand on her shoulder. "You don't have to leave."

"No offense," she said kindly. "But you're older than my old man, and that's too old for me."

"I'm _not_ old!" Cal insisted.

As they made their way out of the Bat Cave, more voices echoed in the depths: "I'm Alfred..."

"No, _I'm_ Alfred..."

"Master Wayne, tell them _I'm_ the real Alfred."

"Is that Alfred or Alfie?"

"I'm Commissioner Gordon..."

"_I'm_ Commissioner Gordon..."

The minute they walked out of the cave, the opening disappeared. When they turned back, it was completely gone.

Atton turned his head up to gaze at the Dantooine sky. "That was scary." He never thought he'd be so happy to see Dantooine again.

"Yeah, General." Bao touched the solid stone wall. "What if it had done that while we were still inside?"

"Must've been another glitch." Cal pointed to another cave etched into the hillside. "That has to be our cave." He paused right at the entrance and waited.

"Smells like it." Mira wrinkled her nose.

Sure enough, a sign appeared: "THIS IS THE RIGHT CRYSTAL CAVE".

"We're not going to run into any crazy wizard that ages backwards, are we?" Atton asked as they entered the creepy, dark cave. Mist swirled about the floor of the cave and the smell of dank, stagnant water and spider poo saturated the place.

"Hello!" Cal called out and was relieved that there was no echo.

"Hello." A young male voice said and made everyone jump.

Cal gaped as the newcomer dropped down and hung suspended upside down in front of him. He wore what looked like a one-piece Spandex outfit that was dark blue from the waist down and red on top with a black spiderweb emblazoned on his chest. It was hard to tell if his red boots were part of the costume or separate.

"Yipe!" Mira smacked at the spider in the middle of the muscled chest.

"Ow!"

"Oh, sorry," she apologized. "I thought that was a real spider."

"No, it's part of the costume."

Mira ran her hands over his upside down chest. "Wow, those are _real_ muscles. No Latex." She pulled the spider mask down—or up, depending on the perspective—and kissed the web-slinger.

"Hey!" Cal complained. "I thought you were _my_ girlfriend."

"Who are you?" Mira purred.

"Spiderman."

"You sound young. Are you young?"

"I'm not as young as I look, but..."

"You're younger than my old man."

"I'm _not_ old." Cal said with resignation. He decided to change the subject. "What are you doing hanging around here?"

"I'm looking for Mary Jane and Harry."

Mira jumped back. "There are _hairy_ spiders?"

"No," Spiderman corrected. "Harry."

"I know him," Atton nodded. "The guy on the Pineapple Express, right?"

"Have you seen Mary Jane?"

"I keep telling you guys." Cal gave an exasperated sigh. "This is PG-13."

"She's my girlfriend."

"Oh, poo!" Mira put the mask up—or down, depending on the perspective—and moved away. "Let's go find the atmospheric sensors."

"Sorry," Cal told Spiderman. "She's got relationship problems."

Spiderman rose into the air and disappeared into the shadows.

Fortunately, the atmospheric sensors were not far from the cave's entrance, and the group was able to retrieve them without choking to death on the stench or running into anymore super heroes. They quickly vacated the cave and ran back to the generic man on the hill, who gave Cal 3,000 credits for them. The real bonus was information because, when Cal called him on the scam, the generic guy became a fountain of information. He admitted the "sensors" were really transmitters, informed Cal that the mercenaries were up to something and said Zherron was spying on them. Cal remembered to turn the fountain off before they left the generic guy.

When Bao commented about Cal's kind act, the Jedi knew he had enough influence to train Bao and thus add a Jedi Guardian to his crew. While Bao leveled up 50+ times, Cal and Mira found a nice place in the tall grass to make out.

Between the oohs and ahhs from Mira and the quiet muttering from Bao as he considered what powers and abilities to choose, Atton was ready to head back to the ship and take off and forget the whole mission. But Cal was his friend, his mentor, his master. With a sigh, he counted blades of grass and watched weird stingray-type creatures called Brith fly overhead, hoping they wouldn't poo on his head.

Bao finally finished leveling up and they commenced their adventure. Cal and Mira popped up out of the grass, straightening their clothing, faces flushed. Bao was now a full-fledged Jedi G and insisted on accompanying them to the Enclave, but Cal figured they might as well destroy the nest of spiders while he had an extra man, and they were soon back in the cave.

Even though the stench was overwhelming, destroying the spiders proved really easy since they were all leveled up to the max. They devised a fight plan whereby Cal put the spiders in stasis and Atton, Mira and Bao killed them with Force Storm. Stepping over and around spider bodies, the group gathered crystals from the large clusters. When Cal approached the largest cluster, which glowed a soft yellow, he found a holo came to life when he touched it. He yelped in alarm.

(Director's voice off-cam—"Cue music—solo spotlight shines on dark, ominous figure swathed in a dark robe and hood. Hands clad in black leather push back the hood. Long black hair gleams under the light and blue eyes penetrate the darkness.)

Ain't nothin' gonna save you, Cal  
From a quest that's blind  
You'll slip to the dark side  
You'll cross that line  
To the dark side, oh yeah  
To the dark side, oh yeah

Cal backed away, shocked. He had never expected to encounter Luce again, even if it was just a holo of his enemy. To make it worse, Luce had taken the special crystal that was supposed to be reserved specifically for Cal.

"Cal." The holo spoke— Revan's commanding tone penetrated to Cal's marrow. "I foresaw you coming to this cave. Imagine my surprise when I felt the crystal within. I took it because, to my way of thinking, I did not receive one so why should you? You, who is inferior in every way!" He tossed his head and laughed in a sinister manner until he faded from view.

"Sticks and stones," Cal muttered as Atton pulled him away from the mocking, laughing hologram.

"Don't worry about it," Mira told him, linking her arm through his. "I doubt it really would do much enhancing. You're an expert with the lightsaber as it is, old guy."

Cal frowned at her. She persisted in telling him he was too old for her, and yet he'd already proven his stamina. Was this her way of inviting a second nookie session?

"Why are almost all of the crystals red? Do you think Revan exchanged the light side ones for dark side?" Atton idly tossed one of the crimson crystals up, caught it, up, caught it and so forth, until Cal grabbed it and stuck it in his pocket with the rest of the cache.

"Ugh!" Mira gazed down at her clothing and made a face. "I have spider gunk all over me!"

Bao and Atton nodded. Cal forestalled their complaints by telling them there was a credit laundromat in the Enclave basement. They would be able to take off their clothes and wash and dry them. Problem solved.

Atton was pretty sure he could handle seeing busty Mira naked, but Cal and Bao?! Plus, he'd gone commando under his trousers today, so that was going to be even more embarrassing.

"Did the Jedi have showers?" Mira asked.

Cal shook his head at the question. Really, the Jedi mystique had gone too far when non-Force sensitives thought they didn't bathe. He sighed. "Of course. It might not be working, but there's a secret sonic shower I know of, so we should be fine."

Atton stopped and counted the team members. "Uh, I think our little band is uneven, Cal. I count one girl and three males. Don't you think Bao should return to the ship and you could get the HM to join in? Boy-girl-Jedi-girl, it's only fair."

"But we're not going to a fair," Cal said patiently. "We're going to the Enclave."

"For a shower," Mira added before Atton could say anything.

Atton clamped his hands to his head and moaned. "Oh, no, he's rubbing off on you now!"

Cal looked startled. "Where? Where am I rubbing off?" He anxiously looked down the whole length of his body, examining it. Atton cuffed him on the back of the head.

"Will you stop that?" the pilot groused. "It's a saying, Cal. Don't take everything I say literally." He heaved a big sigh. "Let's get this do-gooder stuff over with, okay?"

_A/N And another chapter with our intrepid Cal and his gang ends. Next time they'll be inside the Enclave. What will they face there? Disclaimer: still do not own anything Star Wars nor the original lyrics to the songs-Galveston; AC DC's Back in Black and Dark Side's Callin' by Beaver Brown._

17


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6:

"**The Trouble with Laigreks!"**

They were downwind when they passed the salvager camp on their way to the Enclave. Cal's eyes began to water and Atton gagged as the smells assaulted his nose and they got the full effect of the miasma of odors. Mira and HM and Bao reacted as well.

"Have these people never heard of deodorant?" Mira asked as she pinched her nostrils together and breathed through her mouth.

Cal called Kreia over the comlink and told her to come immediately. She must have used Force enhanced run, because she appeared at the camp within a few seconds. Cal had something up his sleeve beside his arm, and when he saw her, he gasped for breath and gripped his throat as if it was constricting.

"C-can't breathe!" he said as he fell to his knees. "Kreia, I know you can teach me breath control. Help me!"

Kreia put her hands on her hips and tapped her foot. "Well, Exile, perhaps the next time you decide to be lazy and skip part of the game—I refer specifically to Jek Jek Tarr, where I _would_ have taught you breath control—you'll learn a lesson from this."

"Of course—stupid me. Are you forgetting if **I** die **you** die?"

"Crap!" Kreia glared at the Exile.

Atton dropped into the grass, followed by the others in the team. Cal's face was turning an alarming shade of blue. He flopped on the grass like a fish out of water, gasping for air.

Kreia knelt beside him, more than a little concerned. The smell was overwhelming, she had to admit. Cal grabbed her robe and pulled her down so he could whisper, a death rattle in his voice, "If I die before I wake, I pray the Force your soul to take."

She smacked her forehead. "Curse this bond!" She pulled him up so he was sitting and said, "The Force can sustain you. You will be able to survive for several hours on the air left in your lungs."

"Will I be able to extend it to the others?" he asked, his eyes fluttering open.

Kreia nodded. He could tell she was in a bad mood, which just meant she was being Kreia. He smiled as he waved a hand and a blue bubble enveloped him and the others, shielding them from the toxic waste in the camp.

Cal grinned as he leaped to his feet. "Gotcha!" He and Atton high-fived.

Kreia knew she had been conned. She muttered something under her breath, but Cal was able to hear what she said through their bond.

"He picks this one time to get smart."

Cal grinned and held his thumb and forefinger about an inch apart. "Yeah, and you missed it by _that_ much!"

Everyone was startled when the _Level Up_ sign flashed from the Icon board. Atton frowned. "I thought you couldn't go past a level 60," he commented to Cal.

There was a soft knocking sound like knuckles on glass. Cal's head whipped about, but he saw no one. "Who's there?"

Atton pointed at the disconcerting sight of a face peering at them through what looked like a large window. Cal realized it was Chuck looking through his TV screen.

"Cal, I added a mod where you can level up to 100, and a new concept. You can type in what Force powers and abilities you want."

"What about the gloves and gauntlets?" Cal asked. "Will they show up, or just these stupid brown gloves that come with the Jedi outfit?"

"I'm working on that."

Cal indicated the ground. "And my shadow, Chuck. My shadow only shows I'm wearing pants. I never see my robes. Shouldn't they show up, too?"

Chuck laughed. "I'll see what I can do, Cal. Anything else?"

Cal had turned to regard his team. "Anybody have anything?"

Atton raised his hand. "Yeah, your robe has a hood. Can he do something so you can pull it up over your head and shield yourself from the suns? It's my theory the way you think--or the lack of it--might be due to radiation."

No one else had any requests, so they started off for the Enclave again. Cal kept the protection air bubble over them until they were past the camp, and then he switched it off.

Cal stopped abruptly, shock waves radiating from him when the Jedi Enclave came into view. This was where he had been trained. This was where he'd met Revan. He remembered how beautiful Dantooine had been. He remembered the architecture of the Enclave, where the center mound blended with the landscape and four towers stood tall and proud. It was all ruined now, devastated by the Sith bombardment. Crossing the stone bridge that separated the Enclave from the plain, Cal wanted to feel the proud heritage of the students who had studied here. The Padawans and Knights had once mingled on the walkways around the Enclave, but that peace had been disrupted, and even though the Force was still strong, it was the echo of dead Jedi that called to him.

The courtyard had been one of his favorite places. The gurgling fountain was soothing, and he'd spent many hours sitting beside it, watching the reflection of the giant creatures called Brith gliding overhead. He, Jaden and Luce had met there many times to share a meal or study.

The Enclave had changed dramatically. The damage was terrible. There were huge holes in the duracrete walks and terrible destruction had been wrought to the buildings. The entire upper level, which once housed the Council Chamber training room, was inaccessible. The center dome had been reduced to rubble and the once proud towers were scarred skeletons.

Cal and his team were quiet as they approached the Enclave. Atton checked the map Adare had downloaded into his datapad and pointed to the right, where they would find the entrance to the sub-level. To the left was the entrance to the upper level, but that way was sealed now, and a small herd of kath hounds kept the party from even investigating.

As they neared the sub-level entrance, a group of salvagers emerged from the Enclave and came down the path toward them. A tall black-haired woman was in the lead and appeared to want a fight. Cal used Force persuasion, adding Force bondo to resolve the matter peacefully, and the salvagers moved off.

The sub-level door was closed. Atton punched in the code and it opened almost silently. They moved cautiously, not knowing what to expect. Their breath control protected them from any offensive odors. As quietly as they could, the party moved into the ancient, eerily silent building. The hallways were empty, littered with debris.

As they passed one door, Cal jumped about two feet in the air when a whiny voice called out, "Hey! Is someone out there?"

Cal made a face, but decided he liked his own so he discarded it. "Thought the place was haunted there for a moment." He regained his composure. "Must be that Joran what's-her-name told us about."

"Yes, I'm Joran!" The voice said. "Did you kill all the laigreks so I can get out of here?"

"No, we just came in."

"Be careful! They swarmed over us and I was lucky to escape in here. I have the door locked. Do me a favor, tell me when it's safe."

Cal nodded, but then realized Joran did not have X-ray vision so he had to articulate his agreement. "We will."

Atton was staring at the super weapon Larp had sold them. "You know what this looks like?"

Cal shook his head. It looked like a very large boot on a stick to him, but that couldn't be right, could it?

When Atton confirmed that's what it was, he groaned. "I gave him 200 credits for _that_?!" Huffily, he grabbed the boot-on-a-stick. "It better work."

Mira held a can of Laigrek-B-Gone, finger poised over the spraying mechanism. "You smash 'em, Snuggle-umpkins, and I'll spray 'em."

"Shake your cans!" Atton commanded. "No, Cal. Your _spray_ can." He rolled his eyes at Cal's weird butt gyrations. "You have to shake the spray can to activate the Laigrek-B-Gone."

"Oh." Cal dutifully shook his can of L-B-G, hoping the rattle of the metal ball inside wouldn't alert the laigreks.

"So where are these critters and how many of them are there?" Atton cautiously followed Cal down the empty corridor.

"Well, Joran said they swarmed, so I figure there might be a considerable number." He hefted the boot-on-a-stick. "I don't think they'll be too big."

They crept down the corridor to the first turn and stopped to listen. A funny scratching noise, but nothing else. At a gesture from Atton, Cal reinforced the breath control. Then they all held their weapons at the ready and stepped around the corner.

"They're HUGE!" Mira shrieked.

"Houses with legs!" HM screamed.

"RUN!" Cal turned on his heel and dashed back the way they'd come. He reached the door where Joran cowered and banged on it with his fists. "Let us in!"

Joran hammered back. "Let me out!"

"Let us _in_!"

"Let me _out_!"

"Here they come!" Atton hollered.

"Yaaaaaa!!" Arms waving in the air, Cal led the retreat up the corridor, past the fountain and out of the Enclave.

"Heeeeelllllp!" The band tore across the plain, past the startled salvagers, and didn't stop until they'd reached the shelter of the _Ebon Hawk_.

"That was terrible!" Mira gasped, holding her side.

"Horrible," Bao agreed.

"Frightening," HM huffed.

"What do we do now?" Atton asked.

Cal weighed their options before deciding, "We need a bigger boot."

Bao gazed at Cal. "I didn't know you were Canadian, Cal."

Cal looked puzzled. "Eh?"

Atton shook his head. "He's from New York."

Cal looked even more puzzled. "Frackin' A!"

"So what do we do now?" Atton repeated.

"Force stasis," Bao offered. "That will hold them still so we can smash them."

"Good idea." Cal smiled at the solution, wishing he'd thought of it. "Whoever knows Force stasis, step forward." Everyone but him stepped back. "Crap." He frowned at the solution, glad he hadn't thought of it.

They trekked to Adum Larp's room and spent a considerable number of credits on bigger boots.

"We're gonna run out of credits fast at this rate," Atton lamented. "Any way we can replenish our coffers?"

"We survived," Cal said defensively. "We don't need coffers."

"Credits, Cal," Atton stressed. "Coffers, not coffins. Any way we can make more credits?"

"We killed the kinrath. Maybe if we tell the Militia, they'll give us a reward."

"How many times do we have to run in and out to collect?" Mira was getting tired of all the running around.

"If we're careful in our wording, maybe we can collect without going back outside."

Toting their boots-on-a-stick, they walked down the hall and were directed to the Militia office where they found Zherron in a side room.

"You want something?" Zherron's voice was deep and raspy. HM and Mira nearly melted when he spoke.

"Hey, Zher!" Cal said in greeting. "How's it hanging?" He discussed the weather and several other inconsequential topics before asking if there was anything he and his band could do for the people of Dantooine.

"I might have something for you," Zherron said. "It might be dangerous."

"Oh, the more dangerous the better," Cal boasted.

"You might have heard that we have a problem with kinrath here."

"Kinrath?" Cal asked in what he hoped was an innocent tone.

"There's a cave infested with them, and they also roam the plains."

"Wow, that sounds pretty dangerous," Cal said off-handedly, winking at Atton.

"I don't have enough men to handle them."

"Gee, maybe we...uh...could handle it for you."

"I can offer two thousand credits," Zherron told them.

"Haggle!" Atton whispered.

Cal gave him a stern look and said, "Two thousand credits will be fine."

"Thank you. Let me know when you've taken care of it and I'll pay you."

Cal heaved a sigh and muttered, "I know this will gain me Dark side points, but here goes..." He waved a hand and Zherron's face clouded briefly. "It's been several hours and we've returned to tell you we've destroyed all the kinrath."

**Dark Side Points Alert!**

Zherron blinked. "You want something?"

"We've been gone several hours and we destroyed all the kinrath." Cal's expression betrayed his hope that his Force persuade had worked.

"Thank you."

"Can we have our two thousand credits now?"

"Yes. Here are two thousand credits."

"You should've haggled for more," Atton scowled as they left Zherron and headed back outside. "Who knows how much the coin operated laundromat's going to cost?"

"I want a new outfit," HM groused. "I smell like kinrath poo."

"If she gets a new outfit, I want one too," Mira whined.

"We can't get anything on Dantooine," Cal moaned. "We can try our next destination."

"Which is what?" Mira challenged.

"Which is in the guide, which is on the ship, which I don't want to go back and check just now, okay?" The breath control had worn off and the odor emanating from his crew was nauseating Cal. He reinforced it. "Let's get back to the Enclave and wash our clothes, find that Disciple and get out of here." He ignored the comments and retching as they passed Dantooine residents on their way out of the Khoonda complex.

Blue breath control bubble bobbing as they walked back toward the Enclave, the crew tried to at least appear up-beat and optimistic. They'd killed kinrath, so laigreks couldn't be _that_ hard. Cal kept reinforcing the breath control and going over directions on how to do Force stasis.

"You guys cover me while I use Force stasis," he commanded as they reached the door they'd run through a short time ago. "Don't let them get near me."

"If you use Force stasis, they won't move at all," Atton reminded. "They'll be immobilized."

"Yeah, right." Cal took a deep breath, reinforced the breath control yet again, and stepped into the Enclave.

"Is anybody out there?" Joran's voice came from the closet.

"Oh, shut up," Cal growled as he continued down the corridor.

They reached the first corner and stopped. Scrabbling sounds could be heard down the next hall.

"What are they doing?" Bao whispered when Cal peeked around.

"Playing Scrabble."

"How many are there?"

"A lot."

"A dozen? Two dozen?"

"I sure hope not."

"Are you ready?" Atton gripped his boot-on-a-stick. "Let's stomp some kinrath."

"No, but let's go anyway." Cal reinforced the breath control once more and stepped into the open. He concentrated on Force stasis and froze the first two kinrath running in his direction. Mira rushed forward with her can of L-B-G and hit the first kinrath full in the face. Atton smacked it the second with his boot-on-a-stick.

"It's not working!" Mira scampered back to the corner. "This Laigrek-B-Gone isn't repelling them—it's attracting the rest of them!"

"They're _all_ coming!" HM threw her can at the next laigrek.

"The boots aren't working." Atton swung his boot at a particularly large laigrek that charged him. It bit off the sole and began chewing it noisily.

"Do something, General!" Bao swatted another laigrek.

"Force stasis isn't working." Cal was horrified. "I can't..." A thought came to him. "Wait a minute." He dropped his boot-on-a-stick and fumbled in his pocket, pulling out a small gadget.

"They're going to eat us!" Mira shouted from around the corner.

Cal flicked his wrist and the gadget flipped open with a little chirp. "Scotty!"

"Yes, General?" A heavily accented voice came out of the gadget.

"There are about two dozen creatures trying to eat us. Beam them out of here."

"Aye, aye, General."

There was a high pitched whine and the laigreks seemed to glow. And then they disappeared.

The hallways were silent. The crew looked at each other in surprise.

"What just happened?" Atton lowered his boot-on-a-stick.

"Where'd they go?" HM checked her outfit for laigrek goo, but found none.

"Thanks, Scotty." Cal flipped the gadget closed and returned it to his pocket. "Now let's go find that damn Disciple." He stood his boot-on-a-stick in a corner and checked the map on his datapad. "He just better be worth all this trouble."

The crew followed.

"Where did they go?" Mira asked.

"What happened?" Bao queried.

"Who's Scotty?" HM wanted to know.

"Okay, okay." Cal stopped and faced his team. "I paused the game, went to the icon and typed in what I wanted, and hit _accept_."

"Yeah?" Atton waited for the rest of the explanation.

"What happened then?" Mira asked.

"We've been doing so much trekking around here, and the first game had Star Maps, so I thought maybe there would be something with a Star Track to show us where to go next and what to do there."

"Star Track?" Atton sounded dubious.

"Well, yeah." Cal shrugged. "Trek, Track. What's the difference? Anyway, I got this neat little communicator to somebody named Scotty who can evidently beam dangerous laigreks away from us."

"Where did they go?" Mira looked around warily, afraid the laigreks were lurking in the shadows.

"I have no idea," Cal confessed. "When I spoke to Scotty earlier, he said something about dangerous creatures called tribbles that he'd dealt with. I figure he did the same with the laigreks."

"Just so they're not here." HM brandished her boot-on-a-stick in case a stray laigrek appeared. "I want that laundromat, and I want it _now._"

"Me, too." Mira wrinkled her nose. "I stink."

"It's right down here." Cal led them to a room blocked by debris. He proudly used Force grip to move the pieces of broken wall and they all went inside.

"These better be working." Mira peered into one of the washing machines.

"They appear to be." Atton began stripping off his shirt.

"Dibs on the shower." HM began to unbutton her top.

"Maybe we can shower together."

She glared at Atton. "I don't think so."

"Can I shower with you, General?" Bao asked.

"Can you _what?"_ Cal wasn't sure he'd heard right.

"Cal, I think you used a little too much Force bondo on Bao," Atton commented.

"I have to be there to wash the General's back," Bao said.

"Uh, I think that's _watch_ the General's back," Cal clarified. "At least that's what you're _supposed_ to do."

"Oh." Bao sounded disappointed. "I thought I was supposed to wash your back."

"That's my job," Mira put her arm through Cal's. "I wash his back _and_ his front."

They took turns showering as the clothes went through two wash and one dry cycle. Between wash cycles they had to clean kinrath debris from the machines. As they waited for the clothes to dry, they stood around in towels that barely covered the naughty bits.

"The filters aren't working too well," Atton complained as he scooped out a handful of kinrath gunk.

Mira held up a hand to quiet everyone. "What's that noise?"

"Laigreks?" HM asked nervously.

"No, that banging."

They stood still and listened. There was, indeed, a clanking noise that seemed to come from nearby. They moved about the room, listening at the walls, until Bao pointed at the dryer.

"It's coming from in here."

"Is it a laigrek?" HM asked. "Don't open it if it's a laigrek."

"If it's a laigrek, it's broiled by now." Atton opened the dryer door and no broiled laigrek tumbled out. He reached in and rummaged through the hot clothes, searching for the source of the noise.

"What's _that?"_ HM reached past him and pulled out her outfit. "It's _pink!"_ she said in horror. "It's supposed to be white, but it's pink!"

"Pink?" Mira pulled out Atton's shirt. It, too, was pink. "What happened?"

"Laigrek blood?" HM asked.

"Uh oh."

Everyone turned to Cal.

"What?" HM demanded. "What turned my outfit pink?"

"Uh..." Cal stepped forward as everyone moved back. He reached into the dryer. "I think it was this." He opened his hand to display several sickly pink crystals.

"What are those?" Mira stepped forward to look at them.

"They were the red crystals from the cave. I had them in my pocket. Who knew they'd fade..."

"Oh, great." Atton scowled. "I finally get a frackin' lightsaber and it's gonna be pink. That'll look menacing." He frowned at his shirt. "I can see it now. 'Okay, Sith, quake in your boots because the Pink Brigade is here to kill you.'"

"Hey, let me see that." HM took one of the crystals and held it up to the light. "There's something in here."

"What is it?" Mira leaned close. Atton was thrilled at the sight of two towel-clad women with their heads together examining a pink crystal.

"It looks like a cat."

"Cheetah?"

"No, I think it's a panther."

"It's not too bad." Cal looked at the crystals in his hand. "It's not too pink. It's kinda not-quite-Dark-side red."

Atton scowled at the crystal Cal handed him. "Well, our clothes are," he groused as he donned his pink shirt and scarlet pants. When he saw his beloved ribbed vest, he had to fight back tears. It was now an ugly shade of magenta. The only piece of his wardrobe that had not malfunctioned was his boots since he had not washed or dried them.

Cal sighed as he dressed. His robes were tye-dyed with bulls-eyes of pink and deeper red. He handed each of his Padawans a crystal and the parts they needed and pointed to the workbench in the corner of the room. "That's where they used to fold the laundry, but you can use it to construct your lightsabers."

"We'll all have the same color," HM commented sourly.

Cal took her by the arm and pulled her over to the workbench. He dug into the drawer and came out with a soldering iron and the proper tools. "We'll skip the several days of meditation holding the crystal since we're short on time." He saw something inside the drawer and pulled it out. There were two somethings: a dude rag and a microphone. He placed the hat on top of his curly head at a jaunty angle and flicked a switch on the mic. He crossed his arms over his chest, struck a pose.

_Sighing heavily, the Director cues rap music._

Well let the geek in the pink take a stab at it  
If you like the way I'm lookin', baby ,wink at it  
I'm a Jedi at times but I'm fat fulla rhymes  
Pass me the mic and I'm a grab at it  
I'm the geek in the pink pink pink  
I'm the geek in the pink yeah

I am more than you're thinking  
Hey look at me go  
From zero to hero  
Oh, take it from a geek like me  
I can save you from unoriginal dum-dums  
Who wouldn't care if you com...plete him or not

So what-- I've got a short attention span  
A juma in my hand  
Because I'd rather have the afternoon, relax and understand  
My hip hop and flip-flops it don't stop with the light rock  
A shot to mock you kinda puts me in the tight spot  
The hype is nothing more than hoo-ha so I'm  
Developing a language and I'm callin' it my own  
So take a peek into the speaker and you'll see what I mean  
That on the other side the grass is muther-effin' green...

Cal finished, folding his arms over his chest again and then he swung the mic by its cord and caught it. Everybody stopped what they were doing to applaud. Atton looked pleasantly surprised.

"Admit it," he told Cal. "You wished for more than just getting rid of the laigreks when you leveled up, didn't you?"

Cal hung his head, finding it most uncomfortable, so he took the rope off and put his head back on his neck. "I might have...just a little so I could busta rhyme and get jiggy with it."

"Of course you did. Now, let's go find that Disciple and hope he doesn't have a pink phobia."

"I have an idea." Cal looked inspired, which terrified Atton. "You go on Solo mode and I'll freeze him and you can exchange his clothes for yours."

"Let me get this straight. You want me to undress a guy and take his clothes and give him my pink stuff?"

Cal nodded.

"Sounds like a plan." Atton paused the game, went to his Icon screen and went on Solo mode. "Get ready to freeze him, Cal," he said when he unpaused the game.

Cal stared. "I think someone beat me to it."

Instead of a person, there was a vertical...piece of art?...coffee table?...sculpture?

They lowered it to a horizontal position. HM touched the face. "Ooh, look, he's got a little scar on his chin. Isn't that rugged?"

Atton whispered to Cal. "Didn't that Han Solo guy have a scar on his chin?"

Cal shushed him.

Mira indicated the hands that were half-clenched. "Look, it even comes with cup holders."

"Send him back, Atton. This is giving me the creeps."

Bao bent down to examine it. "I believe this is a cryo freeze container, General. Very advanced, but I think I could operate it and unfreeze him."

Cal weighed the options. Maybe there was a good reason why Solo was put into cryo-freeze. Maybe in his galaxy he was a criminal, a real bad guy. But, when they had met him before, he had seemed like a nice enough fellow.

"Do it," he decided, nodding to Bao. He shuddered. "Nobody deserves that."

It took a few minutes for Bao to jury-rig something that would circumvent the container. There was a deep humming noise and a white light enveloped the figure encased in carbonite. He was freed and fell to the deck before anybody could catch him.

He struggled to his hands and knees. "Where am I?" he asked in a voice Cal could tell charmed the girls by the way they were salivating.

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you," Cal said, helping the man to his feet. "But we've met before."

"Your voice sounds familiar." Solo squinted and rubbed his eyes with his knuckles. "What's wrong with my eyes?"

"You were encased in carbonite. It's a side effect." Cal had no idea why he knew all this.

"Everything I'm seeing is pink," Han said, shaking his head.

"Then there's nothing wrong with your eyes. We had a mishap with the dryer."

"Where am I? Where's Leia and Luke and Chewie and that jerk Lando?!"

"Calling Dr. Exactly!" Cal yelled.

The **TARDIS** appeared and Dr. Who came out of the Police Box. "Hello, Cal, ole boy."

"I am NOT old!"

When Dr. Who looked to Atton for an explanation, the pilot shrugged. "He's got a getting-old complex."

"What do you need?"

"A favor. Han Solo, perhaps you know him, was accidentally summoned to our time and he was in carbonite and we unfroze him and now he's looking for people that are clearly in his time and space, not ours and I was wondering if you could get him back to his game."

Dr. Who thought for a moment. "I will, Cal, but the tab is getting a little long, so I will need to ask you to return the favor. I want to take you to a place called Smallville so you can right a wrong. You scratch my back, chap, and I'll scratch yours, so to speak."

"Do you think I could get some more clothes?" Cal asked as he entered the time-traveling ship.

Dr. Who stared at the stained clothing and nodded compassionately. "All I have in your time and game is black or grey."

Cal was disappointed there was no brown because certain shades of brown brought out his eyes and played up his curly locks, but such was the lot of a Jedi. He stepped into the huge closet and chose black inner robes and grey outer robe and cloak. Gleaming black boots and utility belt were the final touches. He buckled on his stealth belt. Even the belt was invisible once he got it on! He felt for it and smiled. Yes, it was there.

When he stepped out of the **TARDIS**, he was standing in a renovated barn. He crept to a place on the floor and pried up one of the boards. He removed a box that had been hidden, opened it and substituted one of his anemic red crystals for the stone that was inside. He was to put the stone somewhere else so that when the people who came to steal it arrived, they would take the crystal instead.

The other task was to remove the kryptonite from the owner, Clark Kent's desk drawer. He shook his head. Dr. Exactly had filled him in about the element being deadly, so why did he keep something that could kill him? It made no sense!

He admired the kryptonite. It was a pretty shade of green. He slipped it into the pocket of his new robe and exchanged another pink crystal for it.

The doctor had given considerable thought to Cal's next quest. He told the Jedi to stealth and enter the room marked _Writers_. Cal was to use any means necessary to avert a disaster.

Cal stayed stealthed as he entered their minds as they sat around a large wooden table with scripts in front of them.

_Kill Jimmy Olson. Kill Davis Bloome._

Send Jimmy Olson away. Use the stone Clark does _not_ have stolen to separate Doomsday from Davis.

_Ratings down. Last season of Smallville. Ratings go up after Davis Bloome joins cast. Season 9-Smallville renewed. Conclusion: Kill off Davis at the end of Season 8??!!_

Let Davis live. Do not make him a serial killer, which does not jive with earlier episodes. Leave option open for him to return or let Davis and Chloe become a hot couple. Their chemistry would heat up the ratings.

And for frackin' sake, get Clark up in the air, will ya? It's way past time for him to fly!!

Cal visited one more office on his way back to the **TARDIS**. It belonged to the producers of the show. He sent a Force message to them.

Send the writers to the Phantom Zone if they come up with any more of these crappy ideas!

Cal gave the doctor a thumbs up when he joined him. "Done!"

"Thank you, Cal. I will take Solo back to the when he came from."

Within a nano-second, Cal was back in the Enclave and Solo and the doctor were off. Cal grinned at Atton. "Look what I have for you." He showed him the green kryptonite and a pair of dark brown pants, a tan shirt, a ribbed brown jacket and fingerless gloves. "I had Dr. Exactly go to before this happened and changed your outfit so your original outfit was not ruined.

"You are a real friend, buddy."

Atton was standing there buck naked and quickly dressed in his clothes, buckled on his blaster belt and pulled on his boots and the fingerless gloves.

"Atton, there was no skivvies. I, um, looked."

Atton blushed. "I was going commando."

Cal placed his hands over his ears. "Too much information."

"Pretty." Atton tossed it up in the air and adeptly caught it. He went to the workbench, removed the pink crystal and put in a chunk of the green. "Who else wants green?"

Bao shook his head. He was a Guardian so he wanted blue. Green gave a strange cast to his skin anyway.

Cal had brought all their original outfits. They had not noticed they were now ALL naked. Everyone but HM was flustered and quickly got dressed.

Mira took a piece since it matched her eyes, although her eyes did not glow. She soon was showing off her dual-green blades.

HM was not interested, stating she could fight without a lightsaber and the color did not matter. The warrior was what counted.

"Okay." Cal rubbed his hands together. "Let's find the Disciple."

The Disciple turned out to be near the end of the twisting, turning maze of corridors and rooms. He was in a sealed room. Cal knew his lightsaber could open the door even when his level 55 security skills failed.

Mira put her ear to the door. "What's that strange noise?"

Cal placed his ear next to hers and listened. "Sounds like trilling."

"Thrilling?" Atton asked, placing his ear next to Cal's.

Cal shook his head. "No, _trilling."_

"See, you don't like it when I do it," Atton said, giving the Jedi a snarky grin.

Cal told them to step back and he used his lightsaber to open the door. The trilling noise became a roar and Cal and the others disappeared under a deluge of what looked like small bundles of fur with no visible external features. The fur ranged from solid white to grey, speckled light to dark brown, yellow to reddish orange, and black.

They were small, soft, and gentle, and produced a soothing, purring sound. Cal lay under a pile of them, smiling in delight as they moved all over him. They were so endearing, almost as much as droids. His head popped out of the pile and he found the others were emerging from the furry masses.

"What are these things?" Mira asked. She held one of the creatures and stroked its soft fur. It purred and she smiled. "So cute!"

"Scotty to General I'bur."

Cal had to move several of the little balls of fuzz so he could retrieve the Traking device. He flipped it open, listening to the three musical notes. "General I'bur here, Scotty."

"I may have presented you with a wee problem. I sent tribbles down. I had to make room for the bugs you had me transport."

"Tribbles? They're cute."

"Sir, I'd like to tell ye to 'forget your tribbles, c'mon, get happy', but I cannot in all good conscience. Tribbles are, to quote Dr. McCoy, 'They have only two purposes in life and those appear to be to eat and to reproduce, and they perform both of these functions exceptionally well.' General, they will take over the place within a few minutes, so I give ye fair warning. If ye have anything more to do there, do it and get out of there."

"Thanks for the warning, Scotty. I'bur out."

"Where's the Disciple?" HM asked. She was now on her feet. One of the white tribbles was cooing on top of her head. Cal lifted it off and absently petted it as the others searched through the mountains of tribbles.

Suddenly, a young blond guy jumped up, tribbles falling off him in droves. He swept Cal a courteous bow. The man's build was slender and he was dressed in dark brown pants, short boots, and a cream-colored long-sleeved tunic with a lighter brown vest over it. He also seemed slightly familiar.

"Bowing?" Atton sniggered. "When's the last time a guy bowed to you, Cal?"

Cal thought about it. "Never."

The Disciple's accent sounded Talravin, Bastila and Cal's native planet. "I came here to protect the information in the archives."

"Great job." Atton's gesture went beyond the room. "Have you looked at this place lately? It's a mess, a laigrek death trap and salvagers have stolen everything that's not nailed down."

"But," the blond stated haughtily. "_This_ room has been kept safe."

"Whoopie," Atton muttered, casting Cal a dark look.

Cal quickly put some light on the look and cast it back to the aggravated pilot.

"We've got some trouble with tribbles, so you have to come with me and I guess become a Jedi."

"I have medical skills and I am good with a blade, but a Jedi? I have no desire to be a Jedi."

"We can discuss this outside." Cal cocked his head toward the ever-growing piles of tribbles. "They are born pregnant and their numbers will increase."

"What have you done?" The Disciple bent and picked one up and the little creature squealed as if it was in deep distress. The blond quickly put it down.

Atton picked it up and made little soothing noises at it. "Precious doesn't like the dumb blond, huh? My preshhh-iousss!" He drew out the word, ending with that creepy hissing sound.

The Disciple was not inclined to come with him, so Cal placed his hands on the man's shoulders and looked deep into his blue eyes. "Look. I don't have time to be Mr. Nice Guy, so, you _will_ follow me out of here and come with me off this planet."

**Dark Side points alert!**

Cal groaned. "Aw, come on! The alternative was I could have left him here to be smothered in tribbles."

**Dark Side points revoked.**

They made their way through of the Enclave and were just about to exit, when Cal muttered a curse. "Frack! We have to go back!"

"Why?" Mira asked. She was trying without any success to flirt with the man who told them after a little more Force bondo his name was Mical.

"Mical?" Cal echoed. He put his hands to his mouth. "Sounds like a bird call. Mical! Mical! Tookie, tookie tookie!"

Atton cuffed him on the back of the head with the flat of his hand. "Cut. It. Out."

Cal told them to stay there and had to wade through an ocean of tribbles to the library again. He had to dig under the creatures to find the bodies of the dead mercenaries and the datapad that gave him the quest to save Master Vrook from someone named Aztek?—no, that wasn't it—Afflack?—no, that wasn't right. Azkul, yeah that was it! Of course, he really did not want to save Master Vrook because the man's words always dripped venom, but the datapad also said Master Kaarde had been captured. They must be having a two for one Jedi sale on Nar Shaddaa.

_A/N Sheesh! Another chapter over and it flowed really fast. Hope you enjoy it. Still do not __own anything Star Wars or Star Trek or Smallville (Cal had to right the wrong of Davis Bloome being killed off) or Dr. Who, nor any of the original lyrics to the songs. Hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoy writing it! Thansk to Trynn for some funny suggestions. May the Farce be with you...always._

20


	7. Chapter 7

_A/N Please, for your own safety and well-being, do not drink or eat while reading this crazy thing. Writer has warned you and will not be held responsible for any mishaps. I do not own SW or any other fandom or any of the original lyrics to the songs. If I did, I'd be rich. And here's a shout out to all of you playing Mass Effect. Awesome game! So, to put it like Xarga did in the Freedon Nadd tomb, "so, read on."_

**Chapter 7:**

**Twin Sons**

"Where do we go next?" Cal asked Atton who he had appointed his navigator since he was such a good pilot.

Atton studied his _Fool's Guide_ and a horrified expression plastered itself over his face. Cal had to use a mini jackhammer to get it off. Atton took him by the bicep and tried to lead him back the way they'd come, but Cal pulled loose.

"If we go back that way we have to fight some guy named Gerevick who is not central to the plot and there's no reason for him to be in the story other than to listen to him being obnoxious and get a few measly points." Yes, Cal had been sneaking looks at his guide as well.

"We can't go back that way. There may be more of those laigreks."

Cal could tell Atton was not telling him the whole truth. "Do you know something I don't, Atton?"

"I know a lot of things you don't. Where would you like me to begin?"

"Why do people ask that?" Cal's forehead wrinkled. "It's so obvious if you are to begin then I'd want you to start at the beginning; however, I do have one question: the beginning of what?"

"Not the brightest lightsaber in the bunch, is he?" Mical muttered.

Atton turned on him. "Hey! Aren't you the one pretending not to know him? I'd zip those lips, Blondie, before I do it for you!"

Mical looked shocked. A hand came up and he zipped his lips closed, appalled, knowing Atton was using a Jedi mind trick on him, because lips did not have zippers—yet he could feel the metal teeth of the zipper as he sealed his mouth shut.

Cal shook a finger at Atton and the pilot waved a hand to cancel the Jedi Mind Trick.

"So, if Captain Peroxide's done, I suggest we go back and fight Gerevick and his goons." Atton smirked, doing his impression of his favorite bounty hunter/assassin.

"But, Atton, we must save the droids." Cal recoiled from the look he got from his friend.

"Cal, I'm warning you..."

"I know, but they'll be buried under tribbles—if they aren't already. I have to save them. I'm their only hope."

Atton muttered inventive curses in every dialect he knew and made up a few as they all followed Cal into a room located just beyond the first circular meditation chamber. The door did not have to be forced because the tribbles had already opened it with sheer mass. Cal and Visas held back their numbers with Force barrier. The sound of the tribbles increased in volume as each minute passed.

Atton took over Cal's job as he climbed over the mountain of tribbles to the inner chamber. There they were! Beautiful! Protocol droids, about half a dozen, their metallic skins gleaming, their photoreceptors dark and blank. Cal went to the closest one and opened his RPG rucksack and pulled out a DRK (droid repair kit) so whenever he repaired a droid he got DRK points.

"Step away from the droid!" Atton had his hands out in a placating gesture like he was afraid Cal would bolt or do something even worse, activate another droid. "I am performing a droid intervention and then I am having you committed for 24 hours in a droidless environment."

"You can't do that!" Cal stepped behind the droid and found the switch that had a little sign that said _Exploding droid—activate at your own risk! "_Atton, you're my friend."

"And I'd like to _stay_ your friend, your _live_ friend."

Cal looked grossed out. "You mean some of you aren't alive? I'm seeing dead people?"

"Yes, Cal, you're in the Dead Zone." Atton looked up at the ceiling with a _why me? _Look.

Mira came in, banging her com-link in the palm of her hand. "So that's why I couldn't contact you."

Mical hurried in, leaping over the tribbles like he was performing Swan Lake. "Oh, don't worry. I have Republic people."

HM hiked her eyebrows, which if you think about it has to be hard to do because just how high do eyebrows have to be before you can hike them? "You get a signal down here?" she asked Mical.

He nodded. "I have Republic Horizon Wireless." They looked up and the whole room was filled with people. Their leader was small with short dark hair, geek glasses and was wearing a zipped up jacket.

"You're good," the leader told Mical, giving him a thumbs-up. The 500 people behind him gave enthusiastic gestures, too.

Atton was diverted from his intervention long enough for Cal to switch on the droid. It click-clacked over to the leader and promptly went BOOM! Tribbles and RHW people were caught in the force of the explosion. When the smoke cleared a little and Cal used the Force to put out the fire, he saw that the leader was lying motionless on the floor.

Cal rushed to him and sent healing to him and anyone or thing that had been injured. The man's eyes opened and he said something in a low voice. Cal bent close to his mouth so he could hear. "Can you hear me now?" the leader asked.

"Yes." Cal stood up, relieved to note he hadn't killed anyone. Atton's stance was unforgiving. The others in his team just looked confused.

"Good." The leader got to his feet.

"Can you and your people do me a favor? Grab a handful of tribbles and take them with you."

The leader nodded. RPG rucksacks magically appeared and everyone filled them with tribbles, clearing a path through the mass of fur having a Mass Effect. Soon, it was just Cal and his team left in the room. He turned to regard the rest of the droids. Each one had a sign around its neck just like the first one he'd activated. He edged behind another droid and brought out his kit. Atton grabbed it out of his hands and stared down at it.

"Do you know every time you've fixed a droid you've gained Dark side points?" he asked in a furious tone.

"Uh-uh. Says right there D.R.K.-droid repair kit."

"Do we need to get you some Force focus? It says D.A.R.K.-droid and robot kit, which means Dark side points." Atton pulled a strand of Cal's once honey-streaked brown hair to show him. "Look at your hair. It's turning grey. You look like frackin' Steve Martin!" He patted Cal's face. "And your face looks like Ruffles with ridges."

Cal swallowed hard. "If you think I look bad, you should see yourself." Atton looked like the Grim Reaper. "And what's with all the veins on your face? You look like one of those umps from Interview with the Umpire."

"That's vamps and it's _Interview with the Vampire_," Atton corrected. "We're not talking baseball here, Cal."

Cal winked at Atton. 'No, it would be rude to do that in front of the ladies."

Since Kreia had not leveled up in a long time, Cal went to her with his latest idea. He whispered it in her ear and at first she acted insulted and then she changed her mind, put the game on pause and went to the level up Icon.

"Did you get it?" Cal asked, then leaped back in horror. "Your face, Kreia! You look like the Joker from _Batman_ and I don't mean the _Dark Knight's_ Joker, I mean the 'Ever dance with the Devil in the cold moonlight?' Joker with that rictus face."

"I did what you said. I typed in Force Botox." She wagged a finger at him. "Funny how you didn't mention I could level up so many more times that it makes the entire game too easy, even if you did change it to difficult instead of normal play. And I am so going to kick your ass when you come to Malachor V after finding out I have been leading you into a confrontation you cannot hope to survive and yet you come anyway."

Atton rolled his eyes. "Take a breath, hagster!"

Kreia waved her hands. "Now, you have had Force Botox used on you, fool, and everyone else!"

Atton brought his fingers up and slid them up and around on his face. The skin was totally smooth. He looked at Cal who was peering at him. He took it as a good sign Cal was not rebounding in horror. "So, how do I look?"

"No veins; skin color good; eyes not that sick yellow. You're a chick magnet, Atton."

HM and Visas were circling each other with Cal in the middle.

HM hissed, "Stay away from him! I won't let you harm him or turn him to the Dark side!"

"Sister of the Echani, I saw him first."

Cal's brows rose in alarm. Female fight over him? The F. Botox must have worked and he was back to his gorgeous self.

Hm and Visas, rather than pull their weapons and fight a duel, resorted to pulling each other's hair and rolling all over the floor, in a beotch-slapping contest.

Atton had to keep his mouth shut or his tongue would have rolled out as he panted at the sight of the two women going at it. Now, if they just had some mud...

* * *

_Jedi just cannot stay out of trouble,_ Cal thought as he and his whole team made their way back inside the Crystal Cave. According to the guide, Master Vrook and now Master Kaarde were prisoners of Akzul, the mercenary leader.

"I have to be frank with you," Mical said as they neared the cave. "I should not be coming with you."

"You want to be Frank, that's fine with me. I like it better than Mical."

"No, I mean, earnest, honest, perhaps, with you."

"I like Frank better than Earnest. Honest is just dumb."

"You would know about dumb," Mical muttered.

Atton overheard and gave the blond a rough push. 'Hey, you show him some respect, Blondie!"

Visas, along with her new companion HK-47, who Cal had added an SED programming module (seeing-eye-droid or also dubbed as a singing-eye droid), came along just then and happened to overhear Mical as well. Suddenly, she was dressed like a rock star and shredded the guitar as she played. HK held a mic.

Statement in song: I'm holding out for a meatbag.

One who wanted to be a Jedi Knight

And he's got to be blond

And he's got to come along and

He's got to be ready to fight!

Mical strummed his own guitar in a more classical manner and sang in a softly accented voice.

When I was young  
and my heart was an open book  
I used to say I wanted to be a Jedi

But in those ever changin' times  
in which I lived in  
Made me give up and cry  
Don't want to be a Jedi.  
No, don't want to be a Jedi.

Out of the ruins  
Out from the wreckage  
Can't make the same mistake this time  
I was one of the children  
The last generation  
One of the ones the Masters who went to war left behind...

Realizing how much about himself he had revealed, Mical put the guitar down and crept back inside his shell.

* * *

Cal introduced Mical as Frank to the others when they all met inside the entrance to the cave. Kreia reacted in her usual charming manner, rolling her atrophied eyes at the blond man which seriously creeped him out. He then became Cal's shadow, annoying the Jedi and Atton.

Chuck had gotten Cal's shadow all straightened out so that it looked like a foreshortened or elongated version of him, plus he could now pull his hood up if he wanted. Why have a hood if you couldn't use it? Now, Cal found the Disciple's shadow butting into his as the blond clung close.

"Have you ever heard of personal space?"

"I...was just wondering." The blond cleared his throat nervously. "Have you had any thoughts that we might have met before?"

Cal considered. "You have one of those faces that isn't very memorable. No, I don't think so."

Atton grinned snarkily, waiting to see how this turned out. His _Fool's Guide to K-2 _included the dialogue to gain influence and he knew Cal was either clueless or baiting Blondie.

Mical looked crestfallen. "Think back to when you were in the Enclave, before you went to war?"

Cal picked up Mical's crest and handed it to him and then thought back and shook his head. "I get nothing." His eyes sparkled. "Are you saying we've met before?"

"Well, in your travels, I imagine people tend to look the same..."

Cal frowned and sent a wink to Atton, who was enjoying the whole thing immensely. "Believe me, if we'd met, I'd know. I have a copasetic memory."

"Wouldn't that be eidetic memory?" Mical asked. "Or perhaps, photographic?"

"Yeah, that's it-- photogenic, Frank. I use Force Bondo and it allows me to bond with others and once I have, I recognize them through the link."

"What if you went off to war before that could happen?"

"Are you saying we met before I went off to fight the Mandies?"

Atton brought a hand up and concealed his delighted chuckles behind it. Cal sure had Mical going.

"What I am saying is..." The blue eyes widened. "I have forgotten the whole point of this conversation!"

"Maybe the Jedi Council wiped your memory and gave you a new identity."

"No, that is preposterous. I...would know—suspect."

"Like you might meet someone and think you know him, but because they wiped your old personality, you can't be sure?" At Mical's look of consternation, Cal raised his hands in a placating manner. "Hey, I'm just saying it _has_ happened. Of course, if you're trying to follow a strictly regulated game dialogue, that could also account for it."

Mical was now thoroughly confused. "I...don't know what to say."

"You can stop all this BS and admit we knew each other and you were one of the ones who was left behind and could not find a master to train you and you waited for me to return, but it took too bloody long and so you gave up hope of ever becoming a Jedi because the master meant for you is now male and you don't know how to handle that and you have no idea why you're even in the game because with me being male you would never have come with me and you'd be standing in Khoonda right now ratting me out to Admiral Onasi."

"Uh..." Mical's mouth opened and closed.

"Wow, that paragraph might qualify for the Republic Book of Galaxy Records for being the longest." Atton grinned.

Cal held up a hand, gasping. "Let me catch my breath." He took a moment and then continued.

"Forget about the female Exile. You are following me, a male Exile, and everything will work out fine. I'll train you if you want, or not. Your choice."

"You won't use Jedi mind tricks on me, will you?"

(Director cues music for Neva Antiquated: Dark Jedi Remix)

**Cal**

"Of past rhythmic masters, would end up bending, never-ending like the sky  
One-point twenty-one gigabytes to defeat me like Marty McFly  
So why, would you battle with the recipe?  
Got Padawans sweating harder than some people on Jeopardy  
One time for your mind, no doubt"

(Chorus)  
"My Jedi Mind Tricks will break your molecular structure down.  
(Return of the Jedi)  
My Jedi Mind Tricks will break your molecular structure to pieces."  
(Return of the Jedi)

Mical crouched in abject terror as Cal ended his number, crossing his arms over his chest in a rapper's pose. "I apologize. But I'm a country & western man, and I cannot in good conscience follow a Jedi rapper." _Influence lost with Disciple._

"Figures," Atton piped up, secretly delighted.

There were a few kinrath to dispatch and Cal let the others who had not had the pleasure last time take care of them. Kriea fumed when her robes got splattered by spider gunk and Visas did quite fine since Cal had programmed SED. It was one of the Peragus mining droids. The beautiful Miraluka followed it, listening to its directional beeps and boops.

Cal led the way to the offshoot of the cave where the mercs had set up camp. A woman approached them and Cal winced at how ugly the game had made the poor thing—a face only a Kath Hound could love and a voice that grated on the nerves.

"Hold it right there," she said, bringing up her weapon to train it on them. "I'll say this only once for your Kath hound ears, turn around and get out of here."

Atton knew what Cal was about to ask him and quickly told him, "No, you don't have Kath hound ears."

Cal met Vrook's hard gaze through the force field of the cage he was in and Master Kaarde's eyes still held that twinkle as if he had planned all the time to be captured. How stupid was that?

"Release the Jedi," Cal said dramatically as he activated his double-bladed lightsaber and its rainbow colors danced like prisms on the walls of the cave.

There were about ten mercs in the cave. Cal used Force stasis on them, freezing them in place. Atton and Mira took their weapons. Cal could feel Kreia's disapproval stabbing into his back and he turned to regard her, an eyebrow rising.

"What?"

"You should kill them. If you don't they'll come back to haunt you in what is to come."

Cal snorted. "Wouldn't they come back and haunt me if they were dead? Makes more sense than if I spared their lives." He turned back to the two Jedi who stayed obstinately in their cages.

"You two want to get out of there?" Cal finally asked as he tapped a foot impatiently.

Vrook heaved a big, pissed-off sigh. "You have ruined our best chance to find out what the mercenaries are up to, especially their leader Azkul."

Cal turned his back on them and consulted his guide a moment. "He plans on selling you guys and destroying everyone at Khoonda." He had concealed the guide from them so they wouldn't know he was cheating. He and Luce and Jaden used to cheat on tests, sending each other telepathic answers. Vrook had discovered their indiscretion and made them clean the refreshers with a toothbrush. Cal went off into a wondering tangent. _Why tooth brush? I mean, we don't just have one tooth, now do we? Shouldn't it be teeth brush?_

Atton clapped a hand on Cal's shoulder. "You're thinking too hard again. Stop it."

Cal gave his friend a relieved smile. "Thanks, buddy. I was just about to start on should it be hairbrush or hairsbrush, since we don't just have one hair, do we?"

Mira giggled and gave Cal a smooch, which he loved except that she did it in front of Master Vrook.

"How could you possibly know that?" Vrook decided to ignore the kiss. He probably did not even know what it was--- leading the celibate life of a Jedi this long.

"Trust me, I do." He gestured to the frozen people-sicles. "You need to get out of here."

Vrook glared at Cal. For a moment he looked startled as he looked past him to Kreia, but then shook his head as if he'd seen an apparition. "Master Kaarde, we'd better get out of here since our plan has failed."

Cal stuck his tongue out at the man as he left the room. "Loot every container," he told his team. "All I have to wear are these black and grey robes and I know he'll say something about me falling to the Dark Side if I don't get out of these."

"Cal, uh, you're not wearing Jedi robes." Suddenly, out of nowhere, the Jedi outfit had been replaced. Atton stared at the strange get-up: loose, baggy pants, huge tennis shoes (whatever tennis was) an over-sized T-shirt with a hoody and a large crystal-encrusted J on a thick gold chain.

"Who are you supposed to be?" Atton asked, snickering. "Jedi Justin Timberlake?"

Cal held up the J to examine it more closely. "Shouldn't it be a C for Cal?" He looked thoroughly confused. "I think Chuck's leveling up mode might have some bugs. I wanted Force Rap so I could finally do a decent rap, not Force Rapper." He sighed and struck a pose and said, "Hunh!"

"Why do you wear the cap to the side?" Mical asked

Cal looked disconcerted. He tried to switch the cap so the bill was in the front and it seemed like it was stuck to his head . Before they left the cave, Cal hit the mercs with another Force stasis.

Outside they encountered more mercs and one of them stepped forward telling Cal he was the leader Azkul. He had a cultured voice and a better than average RPG face, only...what was up with his eye? One eye was all milky and gross and, for a moment, Cal did not even hear what Azkul was saying, he was so distracted. Why didn't he wear a patch?

Azkul snapped his fingers in front of Cal's face and the brown eyes cleared. "S'up?" Azkul explained again that he was going to take over Khoonda and wanted Cal to help. "Um, sure, dude." He hoped all his team knew he was just going along with the ex-Sith leader. "What do you need me to do?"

Azkul rolled his eye. "Ask your twin. I already told him and he's gone ahead of you."

"My...?"

Atton put a hand on Cal's shoulder and squeezed. "We'll be going then and see how much damage we can do."

"Like I told him, meet me back here when you're ready and you will have the honor of leading the first wave."

Before Cal could ask what a first wave was, Atton nodded. "See you later then."

Cal led them the wrong way, of course and he stopped in confusion when he saw he'd gotten turned around. He was looking at a small camp site filled with more mercs. He had not meant to come here because he had not gotten the "Captain Dopak" quest from Zherron. He started to turn around when he saw someone he thought he knew, leaning against the sign that said _Pardon our dust. We are renovating due to extensive damage done by Darth Malak's Sith bombardment. _

The man was a little over six feet and wore a black tee shirt with a saying in white that said _Wannabe_. Over that was a sleeveless flak jacket. There were leather bands, holding throwing vibro-stars and blades. The biceps beneath bulged. Leather straps interwoven with cortosis were tied all the way down his arms. A black band was tied about his shaven head.

"Swagger, is that you?" Cal asked, approaching the man and wondering what the man wanted to be other than a crack bounty hunter/assassin.

"Uh, yap." Brown eyes blinked several times and then he lowered the pitch of his voice. "I mean yep."

"What are you doing here?" As Cal got closer he began noticing things about the man. The leather bands and straps were made of pleather. Instead of throwing stars and blades, there were drink coasters and sporks. The black band about his head was a dude rag with a lame cowboy design on it that he had tried to conceal. His biceps weren't bulging—they were flabby.

"You are _not_ Swagger Vasa." Cal shook a finger at the man. "Your blaster isn't even real, is it? And is that a replica sword?"

For a moment, the man looked like he would try to keep the pretense going. "Aw, frock it!" He scuffed a boot in the dirt. "I mean, frack it. I thought I carried it off quite well. Did I fool you even just a little?"

Cal motioned to the others to stay back. "At first—from a distance. You kinda have his lean pose down."

The impostor clapped his hands. "Did I? Do I? Oh, boy!"

Cal stared at the pleather that he could plainly see was sewn to regular black shoes. "Did you work on the costume yourself?"

The man sighed. "Is it that obvious?" He sighed and scuffed some more dirt. "Darn. I mean, dammit!"

"Who are you really?"

"Well, I legally changed my name to Vasa and I have tried for two years to get down his swagger, but I just can't, so I settled."

"And?"

The man stuck out a hand. "Name's Saunter Vasa."

"You're kidding! No way."

"Yes, way! I mean, yep, way!" His eyes shone for a moment and then teared up and Saunter held up a hand. "Ouch! Contact. Gimme a moment." He took out the contact and Cal could see his eyes weren't obsidian like Swagger's. They were blue—well, at least one was. Once Saunter had his contact back in, he gazed at Cal.

"What's that?' Cal pointed to where Swagger would have had his dagger sheathed. A long pocket had been sewn on the outside of the faux boot top.

Saunter reached down and pulled out a white plastic instrument. Cal scratched his head and then it came to him. "That looks like a plastic cake cutter."

Saunter had the grace to look embarrassed. "Yeah, I mean, yep, it is. I...don't have many credits, so I had to make do." He pulled his sword from its pleather scabbard. "But I'm really good with a sword! Come on! Let's duel!"

Saunter executed a few fancy moves and then he raised a hand for a time-out. "Splinter," he explained. "I really need to re-sand it, re-paint it and seal it."

Cal's eyebrows flew to his hairline. "Your sword is made of wood?"

"Well, it's _fencing_, isn't it?"

"Huh?"

"Yeah..." He scuffed his boot in the dirt. "I mean, yep."

Atton took the fake sword from his hand and examined it. "A _fence_ post?"

"Well, yeah. And my blaster? It's really just a replica."

"Is it wood?"

"No." He cleared his throat and lowered his voice. "Uh, I mean, nope. It's metal, but it doesn't fire."

"Look..." Cal poked Saunter in the chest with a finger and stopped with a puzzled expression. "What's that?" He rapped his knuckles on Saunter's chest and there was a thudding sound. "Those aren't real muscles."

"Oh, well..." Saunter actually blushed.

"Take that shirt off." Cal demanded.

"No." He cleared his throat. "Nope."

"Off." Cal tapped his foot impatiently.

Saunter slowly pulled the shirt over his head. Strapped to his chest was a piece of plastic molded to look like muscular definition.

Cal's mouth fell open. "What is _that?"_

"Muscles." Saunter's voice was little more than a whisper.

"Take it off."

Saunter unbuckled it and Cal kicked it behind a rock. Then he took a good look at Saunter's chest. "Yeow!" The definition was impressive...until the sun came from behind a cloud and he got a good look. "Paint? You've got definition painted on?"

"I work out like crazy, but I just can't get the cuts."

Cal heaved a huge sigh. "This is _not_ going to work."

"No kidding," Atton said dryly.

"I'm going to take you under my wing," Cal decided.

Saunter was ecstatic. "You mean we're gonna _fly?"_

"Oh, brother!" Atton moaned and both Cal and Saunter said, "Where?"

"Let's check at Khoonda and see what we can find for you." Cal led the way back to the militia headquarters, where Cal went down a side hallway and began trying every door marked _Private_.

"What are you doing?" Atton asked.

"There's gotta be some clothes here he can wear."

"And weapons?" Saunter asked. "Can I get real weapons here?"

"Atton, you've got security. Open this door."

Atton dutifully opened the door and they found themselves looking down a long corridor. "Wow," Atton breathed. "What's this?"

"Khoonda Mall," Cal said proudly. "I knew it was here somewhere, and we found it." He grabbed Saunter's arm and dragged him down the hall. "Let's go shopping."

"But I don't have credits."

"Don't worry. We do!"

"Uh, Cal..." Atton trailed after them.

"Hey, we can try this." Cal pulled Saunter into an Old Republic Navy store.

"This is misleading." Saunter looked at the sign above the door. "I thought it was for old Republic Navy officers."

"Nope. Fortunately, they have things for people our age." They bought several black T-shirts, and then Cal took them to a boot store.

"This is not right," Atton complained. "You're gonna get the kid killed."

"But at least he'll die with real boots on," Cal said cheerily.

"This is ridiculous." Atton couldn't seem to get Cal's attention.

"Here, try these." Cal handed Saunter a pair of knee-high boots.

"No...uh..."

"They look better than what you've got on."

"Uh..."

"Come on." He shoved Saunter into a chair.

"They don't come off."

"Huh?" Cal got down and yanked off one of Saunter's boots. It was ankle high with a pleather oversleeve. He looked into the boot. "Lifts? You've got lifts in here?"

"Well, I'm not quite as tall as Swagger..."

"I can_not_ believe you have lifts." Cal rolled the pleather down Saunter's legs and threw it aside. "Put on the real boots."

Saunter tugged on the boots and, when prompted to stand, Cal found that he was several inches shorter than before. "Oh," he said with a nod and waved to the salesman. "Do you have lifts for these?"

"Pants," Cal decided once they'd paid for the boots. "You need black pants."

"And weapons?" Saunter begged. "Can I get real weapons? Something with a point?"

"You guys would never get the point," Atton muttered under his breath.

"Look!" Saunter exclaimed. "These boots come with a knife sheath. Now I just need a knife."

"First you need pants like Swagger's. I know just the place." Down the mall they went. Atton wanted to stop in Talia's Secret, but Cal walked past too fast for him to get more than a glimpse of the scanty underwear.

"I want to thank you guys for helping me out." Saunter strained to keep up with Cal. The shopping bags kept banging against his legs.

"How's that?" Cal stopped at a window and pointed at the display.

"Wow."

Even Atton was awed. "Impressive. Most impressive."

The store was crowded—evidently other Swagger Vasa wannabes were shopping today. Cal led Saunter from rack to rack, checking out the pants. Suddenly Saunter ducked behind Cal and Atton.

"Hide me!"

"What?" Cal looked around, but saw no one he recognized.

"Hide me! Don't let him see me!"

"Who?"

"In there." Atton gave Saunter a shove into the dressing room. "Change your clothes." Then he told Cal. "Swagger must be here."

"Where?" Cal strained to see, but there were too many people in the store.

"Over..." Atton turned, but Cal was gone. "...there." He found Cal several aisles away, peeking through a rack of dark jeans. "What are you doing?"

"Getting a look at him. If we're gonna make Saunter look like him..."

"Get back over here." Atton hauled Cal back near the dressing rooms. "Honestly, I can't take you anywhere."

"Technically, I brought you here," Cal pointed out.

"Let's just get Saunter and get out of here."

"There's Saunter. How'd he get over there?" Cal pointed and waved. "Hey..."

"Shhhh!" Atton hissed.

Cal regrouped and raised a hand again. "Hey..."

"Shhhh!" Atton commanded.

Cal tried again. "Hey..."

"SHHHH!!" Atton was louder now.

"What, did you spring a leak?" Cal asked in frustration.

"That's not Saunter."

"Of course it is." He turned to wave again, but Atton yanked his hand down.

"Look at the T-shirt."

Cal focused on the T-shirt.

"What did Saunter's T-shirt say?"

"Wannabe."

"What does that T-shirt say?"

Cal squinted. "Gonnabe." He put a hand to his mouth. "Oops."

"Not Saunter."

"But it looks so much like..." he was cut off when Atton shoved him into the dressing room. Atton stood outside, watching the store for several minutes, then called to Cal and Saunter to come out. "That was close."

"What happened?" Cal was trying to pull a wire hanger from around his neck. "Who was that guy?" He turned to Saunter. "He looked like you."

"That was my evil twin Skippy."

"Skippy Vasa?" The hanger came off with a pop, leaving Cal's ears vibrating.

"Yup, I mean yep."

"What's he doing here?"

"I don't know," Saunter said.

"Look," Atton informed them and poked Cal in the chest. "He was hanging out with _your_ evil twin."

"Oh, no!" Cal looked terrified.

"Who's your twin?" Saunter asked.

"Sylar. He takes people's power."

"We better finish shopping and get out of here." Cal had Saunter try on the pants while he and Atton kept watch.

"Can I get a belt like his?" Saunter asked when he came out to model the pants for them.

"Like whose?"

Atton shook his head. "Swagger's."

"Yeah, baby! I mean, yep, babe. Swagger has a belt that is made up of three straps with the main belt being about two inches wide and one has rings that he takes off and makes an Echani weapon out of and then there's his sword belt and blaster belt."

"Won't they weigh you down?" Cal asked, nodding his approval at the pants.

The shop girl took Saunter's measurements when Cal asked her to and the Jedi sent Atton to see Adum Larp to buy weapons and the belts needed. He used Visas to pay for everything since Master Kaarde was not available. Atton returned to the shop. He handed Saunter a piece of molded latex to wear under his black T-shirts.

Cal squinted at it. "I recognize that. That's the Batman suit with the nipples."

Atton nodded. "Yeah, Adum had it for sale really cheap." He took his vibro-dagger and cut off the tips. It was only the chest piece, covering the kid's chest and abs, giving him nice definition under the T-shirt when he pulled it over his head and tucked it into the waistband of the black pants. Atton helped the kid buckle on the myriad of belts he had requested.

"This is a vibro-blade, very sharp, very dangerous—not made of wood." Atton slid it inside the scabbard so that it hung rakishly at Saunter's side. "I suggest you not take it out unless everyone else you know who could save your scrawny ass is dead."

"You got it!" Saunter was grinning widely.

"Hey, you've got the dimples!" Cal patted the kid on the back.

"Uh-huh, but I've heard tell Swagger kills anybody if they even mention he has them." He switched to a passable smirk.

"Is that a cleft in your chin like his?" Cal asked.

Saunter ducked his head, pink flushing all over his face. "No, I mean, nope. It's make-up, but does it look real?"

Cal nodded. "Yeah, as long as you don't rub it off, it should pass."

"Are those extensions on your brows?" Atton wanted to know.

"Yeah, uh, yep. I have these wimpy brows, so I got extensions and then I trimmed them and dyed them black." He scowled, doing his best Swagger Vasa glare. "Cool, huh?"

"Looks like a couple of caterpillars mating," Atton muttered.

"His aren't quite that thick." Cal held up a finger and walked out of the room. When he returned he had a hair trimmer and he trimmed the brows so that they looked more like Swagger's. It had been several years since he'd seen the bounty hunter so he was going on his photogenic memory.

After Saunter was dressed in his full regalia, Cal took him to a barber shop where he had the barber permanently dye the fuzz on the kid's head black instead of the temp-dye that kept rubbing off on everything. Saunter took a look at himself in the full length mirror.

"Do I look like a total dork?" he asked Cal.

Atton shook his head. "Not a total dork."

Cal punched Atton in the bicep hard. "You look great! You look like a younger version of him. Lean and mean—well, okay, mean is stretching it, but lean and sorta mean. We'll work on the mean part, Saunter."

"You mean it, Cal?" Saunter looked at the Jedi Guardian with his heart in his eyes.

The last thing Cal got him was a real leather band to put around his head. Atton tucked a blaster into the holster that hung low on the kid's hip and his outfit was complete.

"Here, this is better than a cake knife," Atton told Saunter as he bent and slipped a dagger into the sheathe on Saunter's boot.

"Okay, I need to fill you in on what's going on, so pay attention," Cal told the kid. He told him about Azkul, about his twin Sylar and how Saunter's evil twin Skippy, must be working with the merc leader to kill everyone at Khoonda and take it over. "We have to prevent it. Are you with me, Saunter?"

Saunter nodded once. "Yep." He and Cal knocked knuckles. "Hey, that's the first time I ever said it right!"

"I have a question," Atton said as they exited Khoonda. "Seeing how good you are—how good is Skippy?"

"Skippy's the assassin part of Swagger, ya know. I'm more the bounty hunter part. He's broody. I'm moody. He kicks tushy and my goal is to become a bad-tushy...some day."

"You want to be a bad-tushy?" Atton sniggered. 'This just gets better and better."

"Yeah, darn! I mean yep and dammit! My mom won't let me say a---s----s."

"You want to be one, but you can't say it?" Cal asked. "What are you, twelve?"

Saunter looked offended. "Sixteen—seventeen in another two weeks."

"Doubt he'll live that long," Atton murmured.

"Skippy's really good like Swagger and he has no problem killing. What his shirt said _Gonnabe_, well, that tells ya all ya want to know about my evil twin. He wants to take out Swagger and _become_ him."

"We'll see if we can find him and warn him." There was something endearing about Saunter that made Cal want to give him noogies, but he resisted. "Right now—we have a battle to fight."

Cal left it up to Sylar Exile to go back to lead the first wave in his place. He reported to Administrator Adare and Zherron to ask them what needed to be done to help. Of course, he personally repaired the droids, equipping them with shields and ultimate fire-power and he had Mira repair the turrets outside. He sealed a door that would have let the mercs come in that way. And, finally, with all his team at his side, he told Zherron he was ready to finalize everything.

"Have you talked to the men?" Cal asked Zherron as all the militia soldiers stood at attention. "Give me their names. I like to look each man in the eye and call him by name before a battle."

Zherron went down the ranks: "Private Practice, General Apathy, Corporal Punishment, Major League, Colonel Sanders, Captain Crunch and Sergeant Pepper."

Cal nodded to each man, establishing a rapport and using Force Bondo to strengthen their resolve to fight. Atton and the team stood at a respectful distance as Cal began to rally the troops.

"Try not to get killed." When they looked at him like he was crazy, Cal chuckled. "Just a little levity to lighten things up. I was kidding, guys! Because Azkul can kill Adare and take over Khoonda and massacre everyone in the militia, but he can't take away our freeeeeeeedom!"

"Excuse me, General," a timid voice came from the back of the line. "...but I don't want my freedom."

"Okay-okay, bad example. Today is your day—a glorious day. Even if you die a sad and bloody death you will be remembered as the guys who died trying."

"Oh, dear Force!" One of the soldiers fainted.

Zherron gave Cal a look that told him what he was saying was not helping. Cal thought a moment and then waved in excitement. "Hey, guys," he said in a low voice. "I get $4,000 credits from Adare if we win. I'll split it with you, okay?"

There were cheers and whistles of approval from the men. Zherron looked at Cal in amazement. "I have no words. I think any of them would take a blaster bolt for you now."

"Okay, well, thanks. We have one last thing to do and I like to involve the men so that have more a sense of self-worth."

Cal confronted the soldiers. "Anybody here well versed in mines, other than my people? C'mon! Anybody well versed?"

A soldier raised his hand; it was Sergeant Pepper. "I am, sir. I was a poet before I joined the militia."

Cal looked puzzled—nothing new for him, admitted. "What?"

"Poets are well versed, sir."

H-mmm, but do you know how to disarm and place mines?"

"Me and my band do, sir."

"You have a band?"

_Wait for it...._

"Yes, sir."

We're Sgt. Pepper's minefield moving band.

We'll move the mines from here to there.

We're Sgt. Pepper's minefield moving band.

We move the mines with such great care.

It's wonderful to be here;

It's certainly a thrill.

We're careful as we place the mines,

So we don't all get killed.

**BOOM!**

"Oops," Atton said, reverting to Captain Jaq for a moment. "Man down!"

The pilot was standing too close when the mine went off and was splattered with blood from the band member that had gotten jiggy with the mine.

"Guess that makes you Saucy Jaq," Cal commented.

Atton was beside himself and he had not been born twins like Saunter and Skippy. He examined his blood-soaked clothing. "I just got my jacket back and it's ruined," he moaned.

"Yeah, but one good thing is you're ready to level up again." Cal slapped his buddy on the back.

Atton paused the game and went to the icon screen and chose what he wanted from the new mod. When he unpaused the game and used his new power Force Power Wash, it worked beautifully. He was clean; his clothes were clean and smelled fresh.

"How did you do that?" Mical aka Frank asked.

Atton grinned sarcastically. "Well, I'd explain, but since you're only a Level 12..." He spread his hands expansively. "Some day, you too, will learn the ways of the Force and become a Jedi."

"You mean, follow Cal." Plaintive blue eyes stared at Atton. "There...just seems to be something missing."

Atton snorted. He placed his hands on his chest as if he was cupping size 40 D's. "Oh, I know what's missing."

"I meant something vital seems to be missing between his ears," Mical said, mortified.

Atton was rolling on the ground, caught in spasms of laughter.

"Statement of glee: Ha-hee hee! Good one, pilot meatbag."

Cal and Mira were conferring about the placement of the mines. "The mines, even for me, someone who served in the Limited Intelligence Corps of the Republic, look all wrong. The fields can be seen so the enemy's going to know they're there and the spacing's all wrong. You could just tiptoe through the minefields."

"Cal, the glowing fields are just to let the game player know they're there. The enemy can't really see them." She patted his cheek gently.

"But, I can see them." He leaned his cheek into her hand and sighed. "Can't you?"

"Yes, but we have strong demolition skills. Nobody in Azkul's troops will be able to see them."

"What if Sylar gave them the ability?"

"He picks now to go intelligent on us," Atton said, hearing the last bit. He winked at Mira. "Have you met his new Padawan yet?"

"You took another Padawan?" Mira took her hand away and Cal almost lost his balance. "It better not be another female."

"No, he's not my Padawan; he's my protégée. I'm his mentor, but I'm not going to teach him the Force or lightsaber skills. I'm going to teach him how to fight. I am a Guardian after all and that's what I do best."

"Second best," Mira told him, reaching up to curl her fingers through his hair. She kissed him and whispered something and his ears turned pink. "Yes, that," she added slyly.

"Everyone, gather around and meet Saunter Vasa, no relation to the famous Swagger Vasa other than he changed his last name legally, so technically he is a Vasa, just not from Swagger's family tree."

All of the women oohed and ahhed over Saunter, who blushed furiously, stumbled backwards and ended up tumbling down the hill right to the bridge. He saw the first wave of Azkul's troops as they approached the other side of the bridge and he wondered why didn't they just blow up the bridge. He raced back up the hill to Cal.

"They're coming!" he said, panting. "Why didn't we just blow up the bridge?" he asked Zherron who looked mildly miffed.

Zherron and Cal exchanged glances. It was up to Cal to explain. "Because that makes too much sense and would have put a wrench in the works and slowed down the cut scene which doesn't make sense anyway, because where did all the mines go and why do the men stand toe to toe instead of taking cover and why does the Exile wait until Khoonda is over-run with mercs before fighting and what mercs did Master Vrook go off to fight?"

Everyone stared at Cal and said in unison, "Huh?"

24


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8:**

"**Iziz what?"**

_A/N Okay, so I still don't own SW or any of the other fandoms. I had to include a little tribute to _Mass Effect_ since I have discovered it and it is so awesome! For those of you who don't know the actors who provided the voices of Bastila and Carth also are in ME. Don't own the original lyrics to the songs either. And not responsible if anybody chokes on their own laughter. Hope this provides you with some laughs at least. I do own the character Swagger Vasa, and for those of you who asked, he finally makes an appearance. Thanks for reading. Here's a shout out to my Cuz, who came up with some of the ideas; and this is dedicated to a special fan of SV's—you know who you are!_

The fight inside Khoonda went like clockwork--whatever a clock was, Cal thought. Azkul and his minions were defeated and none of the security droids were damaged. Saunter had fought valiantly alongside Cal and his crew. Cal had kept the kid behind him so he could keep him safe. He didn't want a sixteen year old wannabe on his conscience.

Administrator Adare, true to her word, gave him the 4,000 credits. The one sad note was that all the soldiers he had offered to split it with had been killed. But that was war, especially in a game where the cut scenes had them cut down. Cal thought it particularly unfair the soldiers he had healed had been among the dearly departed.

Since he needed the credits, Cal did not opt for goodie-goodie points by turning down Adare's credits and donating them to the cause of rebuilding Khoonda. Rebuild what? Nothing had been damaged during the fight. He said his good-byes to Masters Vrook and Kaarde, gathered his crew and rushed back to the ship.

He called everyone into the main hold to discuss the next destination. "We want to go to Onderon, but we won't be able to because a blockade by a meanie called General Vacuum..."

"Uh, Cal, that's Vaklu," Atton corrected.

"What Atton said." Cal scratched his head as he tried to remember what he'd been saying. Saunter helpfully told him his last words and the synapses in his brain fired. "Oh, yeah! General Vaklu has the Onderonian Navy keeping everyone held up in the space lanes above the planet. So, I say we head directly to Dxun and land at the secret hidden Mandalorian base. I also say we skip the whole tedious getting influence with Mandalore part and take the _Ebon Hawk_ to Onderon." He raised his lightsaber above his head. "How say you?"

"I say, how do we know there's a base if it's secret and hidden?" HM asked.

"It's right here in the Guide." Cal held up the Guide and tapped a page with his forefinger. "See? Secret hidden Mandalorian base."

"Oh, okay."

"So how say you?" Cal put down the Guide and lifted his lightsaber again.

"I say, why not skip Onderon altogether?" Atton asked. "I mean, Cal, all there is to do is that stupid murder case and running back and forth from the cantina about fifty times."

Cal nodded. "I thought about that, but there is one reason to go there."

"What's that?" Atton asked suspiciously. "Is there a droid you want to save?"

"Hey, I like droids, too!" Saunter piped up and he and Cal exchanged a high-five. "You've got a lot of them on board," he added as the main hold started to be over run with droids.

"No, Atton, there is a droid I would have liked to save, but, alas, it's already been destroyed." He hung his head sadly in a moment of mourning. "Anyway, we have to go because we have to choose a side, whether we back Queen Amidala..." He shook his head. "No, that's not right. Queen Latifa... Dairy Queen? No-ooo. Queen of England? Queen of the night? Queen for a day? Queen size mattress?"

Saunter whispered in Cal's ear and he nodded in relief. "Queen Talia! That's it! We have to choose whether we follow Queen Talia or General Vaklu..."

"Why do we have to follow anybody?" Mira asked. "Is this a parade?"

"We have to pick one because it sparks another part of the game where I have to choose who goes into the tomb of Freedon Nodd."

"Nadd," Mira corrected.

"Thanks, babe. Nadd—You ever notice _Star Wars_ has the strangest names? Anyhow." He paused a minute to remember what he'd been talking about. "And then we have to return to Onderon."

"From where?" Saunter asked.

"From wherever we go when we leave Onderon."

"Why do we leave in the first place? If we're there already, why leave so they can call us back?" Saunter scratched his head, clearly puzzled.

Cal shrugged. "Makes the game longer? More playing hours? You got me!"

"Maybe the game needs to reset," Atton suggested.

"And then we go back and find out there's a war going on, and we have to fight whichever side we didn't choose." Cal's eyes were glazing over, a clear sign he was getting confused.

HM interjected in her soft voice, "The more battles, the better I like it. I volunteer for the Nadd mission—to lead it, I mean."

"Seems to me he needs someone who has some skills other than..." Mira grinned snarkily. "But you really don't have any, do you, dollcakes? Maybe a little treat injury, and Cal's already got major Force heal. I, on the other hand, have demolition and..."

"I have wicked skills!" HM shot back and shoved Mira in her busty chest.

"Like what?" Mira challenged.

"I have more computer than both of them put together," Visas told Cal in the voice that sometimes haunted his dreams.

"Take that back!" Mira screeched and pushed HM. Soon the two were on the deck, rolling and pulling each other's hair.

"STOP!" Cal thundered, putting a lot of Force Bondo into the command.

"No, keep going!" Atton urged as he wiped drool from his chin.

"We have enough fighting in this game," Cal pointed out. "We are not going to start fighting amongst ourselves."

"Only the girls," Atton pleaded. "Let the girls fight." He had an idea. "Hey, if there's all this rain and mud on Dxun, maybe we could..."

"Not on your life, fly boy." Mira stepped away from HM and glared at Atton.

"Mud's good for the complexion," he told her. "You'll be even more beautiful if you use the mud."

"We have to follow the rules," Kreia interrupted in her old and senile voice, shaking a claw-like finger at Cal. "If you don't follow the rules, I cannot keep Atton trapped on the ship and keep him unavailable to be in on any of your adventures. You will only be able to take one of us plus Mandalore because he only has a very small shuttle."

"We can leave Mandalore and I'll take two of you." Cal didn't like where this conversation was going.

"Or we'll take the _Ebon Hawk_ and leave Mandalore and his shuttle—and maybe you—on Dxun," Atton said. "What say you all to that?"

"You cannot keep skipping parts of the game," Kreia croaked.

"Who died and made you boss?" Atton growled.

"It's Mandalore's shuttle," she said. "And where his shuttle goes, he goes."

"I'll tell you where his shuttle can go," Atton groused under his breath. "And you can go with it."

"Fool!" she shot at Atton.

"Hag!" he shot back.

"No more shooting!" Cal shouted. "Look, I'll do whatever I can if I think the outcome will work for my crew." Cal ignored her advice like he always did. _Influence lost—Kreia. Influence gained—Atton and the rest of the crew._

"All in favor?" Atton called for a vote, but everyone looked puzzled.

"Of leaving Kreia here?" HM asked.

"Who's Kreia?" Mical asked. He was unaware of her since she played hide-and-seek behind his back.

"Of leaving Mandalore here?" Mira asked.

"Of going after the droids?" Saunter asked.

Cal made the final decision. "Of going to Dxun, repairing any droids, and then going to Onderon in the _Ebon Hawk._"

Everyone backed Cal except Kreia—big surprise there.

"Just remember," Atton pointed out. "There are no droids on Dxun. Mandalorians don't use droids."

"Statement: There are droids on Dxun, pilot meatbag." HK maneuvered through the mass of droids in the hold.

"There are?" Cal's eyes lit up. Atton covered his face with both hands and shook his head with a moan.

"Affirmation: Yes. They are remnants of the Mandalorian war."

"How many?" Saunter asked.

"Calculation: Approximately one dozen."

"A dozen droids that have to be rescued?" Cal and Saunter were nearly jumping up and down with joy. "Is that twelve or thirteen?" When he heard what sounded like a moan from HK, Cal explained, "Well, there's the regular dozen of twelve, and the baker's dozen of thirteen."

"Statement: there are no bakers on Dxun, meatbag."

Atton peeked out between his fingers. "We'll go on one condition."

"What's that?" Cal and Saunter asked in unison.

"Not one of those droids ends up on this ship." The rest of the crew was nodding in agreement. "If we take on any more droids..." Atton shoved one aside so he could see Cal on the other side of the hold. "...we'll have to leave people behind."

All eyes turned to Kreia.

"Let's go!" The crew chorused.

Kreia went to her quarters and sat on the floor.

(_Director says; "Cue music for Beatles song_ When I'm Sixty-Four _and put spotlight on the old hag....er...on Kreia._")

When I get older, losing the Force,  
Just a few years from now.  
Will the whole damn crew still be picking on me?  
Calling me an ugly old cow?  
If I'd been out till quarter to three  
Will they lock the door?  
Will they still need me, will they still feed me,  
When I'm a hundred sixty-four?

Atton flew the _Hawk _in on the dark side of the moon and landed the ship in the battle circle in the secret hidden Mandalorian base—a space large enough to accommodate her.

Cal found himself plagued by memories of the time he had served under Revan during the Mandie Wars. Dxun was a moon filled with water: fog drifted over the paths; there were rushing waterfalls; and rain. Lots of rain. During the Mandalorian battles here all that water had conspired to conceal mines on the paths; the roar of several waterfalls covered the sound of Mandalorian durasteel boots; and the pelting rain made it impossible to see the wavy outlines their stealth units generated, allowing them to attack the Republic soldiers. The odds had been in the Mandalorians' favor until Revan sent Cal and the other Jedi, and then the death toll had mounted—on both sides.

As they stepped off the loading ramp, Cal looked around the compound. The ship was sitting in front of a hangar in a large grassy area, the waving grass coming almost to his hips. He realized the Mandalorians didn't know anything about lawn mowing. He knew the layout of the secret base from the map on the Guide and he wanted to explore, but that would mean putting stone walls between himself and the ship. The command center where they would find Mandalore was on the other side of all those walls.

Of course they had just landed without permission. In the Mandalorian battle circle. Just outside the secret hidden Mandalorian stronghold. As soon as they walked down the ramp they were surrounded by well armed and p-o'd Mandalorians, each in a different color armor.

"Wow," Cal said under his breath. "Looks like a rainbow threw up all over them." He held up his hand in a gesture of greeting. "Klaatu barada nikto."

The lead Mandalorian shouted "Let's get him!" and six Mandalorians started up the ramp. "For Mandalore!"

"What did I say?" Cal asked in panic.

"Use stasis!" Mira shrieked. "Freeze them!"

Cal hit the Mandies with Force stasis and froze them on the ramp, then turned back to his crew. "What did I say?"

Atton looked up from his battered copy of _Universal Guide to Alien Languages_ and said, "Basically, 'I dare you guys to come up here and kick my butt.'"

"Not exactly the best greeting," HM scowled.

"I thought it meant 'Take me to your leader'." Cal frowned. "At least that's what Gort told me."

"What I can tell you, Cal?" Atton put an arm around Cal's shoulders. "Never, ever trust a droid." He stepped up to the nearest Mandie. "Think you could use Force persuade and get them to flap like chickens and quack like ducks?"

"Atton, why do you hate droids so much?" Mical asked.

"When I was a baby my nanny droid dropped me on my head."

"Figures." Cal looked at the Mandies. "So, do I un-stasis them so they can beat my butt?"

"Duh, no." Mira walked down the ramp past the Mandies. "Let's get on Mandalore's good side before they come out of it, and he'll convince them not to kill you."

"But that means leaving the ship here and going all the way around there." He pointed at the stone walls on the far side of the open space.

"Well, yeah." She put one hand on her hip and looked up at him. "You coming or are you gonna wait for the Mandies to snap out of it?"

Cal charged down the ramp and tore across the open field at warp speed.

The meeting with Mandalore went smooth, although gaining influence after Cal's getting off on the wrong foot, involved a nearly impossible list of quests. Cal solved that dilemma by splitting the crew into teams.

"Mira, go gather all the mines. We can break them down into things we can use. HK, go help Kelborn with the Onderonian military. Bao, you and T3 help Zuka with his broken wires, and anything else that needs to be repaired. Mical and Visas will get the Zak egg..." He shrugged. "I don't know, I guess they want one big omelet. Atton and HM will go find Kumas on top of the Mandalorian cash. Be sure you don't hit that button, and bring some of that cash back—we're getting low on credits. Saunter and I will go repair all the poor droids."

"What about me?" A quavering voice asked and they all turned to find Kreia standing alone.

"Uh..." Cal had forgotten all about her. "Uh... Oh!" An idea came to him. "Go back by the ship. Back to the battle circle. Talk to the sergeant."

"Cal?" Atton was looking at the Guide as Kreia walked away. "Won't the sergeant make her fight?"

"Yeah, but she's a woman and she's old, so they should take it easy on her."

"Gee, I never knew Mandies took it easy on anybody." Atton shoved the Guide into his RPG rucksack. "Good place for her, though. The Old Bat-tle circle."

"Okay, everybody!" Cal said with great enthusiasm. "Meet back here in an hour!"

The teams leaving the secret hidden Mandalorian base quickly realized that Mandalore had neglected to tell them about the cannocks and maalras and bomas--Oh my!

Cal and Saunter battled their way through the jungle to the bunker that held the droids.

"Look up ahead!" Cal pointed up the pathway. "A droid!" They ran to the battered droid standing in the rain. "Oh, he looks so sad!" He and Saunter puttered around the droid, looking for its controls. "It's okay, little fella; we'll have you operational in a minute."

The droid made a strange strangled sound and Cal jumped back. "What did it say?"

Saunter imitated the strange strangled sound.

"Yo!" Mira and HK appeared from the jungle. "What's up?"

"A sick droid," Cal explained. "I thought you were going to collect mines."

"We're on our way, but we saw you."

The droid made the strange strangled sound again and Cal asked HK what it said.

"Immitation: (strange strangled sound)."

"Hmmm, that's what I thought it said."

"Translation: 'oil can'!"

"Oil can what?" Saunter queried.

Mira rolled her eyes. "Oil can thaw it out and make it work." She patted Saunter on the shoulder. "You've been hanging out with Cal too long. Come on, HK; let's get to those mines."

Cal pulled an oil can from his RPG rucksack and sprayed all of the droid's joints. Soon it was skittering up the trail, shooting cannocks. They encountered a second droid and oiled that as well, but the third seemed beyond repair.

"I guess oil can only do so much," Cal said with a shake of his head.

"I have an idea," Saunter exclaimed. "But it will take time. Maybe we should get the other droids first."

They made their way to the bunker and Saunter tried the door.

"What do we do? It's locked."

Cal looked around. "Permacrete!" He ran to the detonator and hit the button.

"Uh oh." Saunter froze at the growls emanating from the rainy forest. "What's that?"

"Beasts." Cal headed to the bunker. "Run!"

They went inside the bunker and found the droids—standing in a field of deadly mines.

Cal frowned. "I shoulda had Mira come with us. We can't disarm them, so we'll have to blow them."

They spent the next ten minutes throwing rocks at the mines to get them to blow up.

"Most of the droids survived," Saunter noted. "And we can activate them."

"Now all we have to do is get through those beasts outside and save our little buddy up the path..."

* * *

"Cal said to meet here in an hour." Mira tapped her foot impatiently. "Where is he?"

"He failed." Mandalore chuckled.

"Yes, well, I have a rather large bone to pick with him," Mical said in a stuffed-shirt tone. "He might have warned us a Zakkeg is a huge creature not a Zak's egg. All I got for all the bruises was an ear which I gave your captain of the guard. Yuck!" _Major influence lost with Mical._

_(Director: "Cue Miami Sound Machine _Conga,_ and get those droids to line up!")_

Cal waved to his team as he came into sight, his clear tenor ringing out over the jungle.

Come on, shake your booty, droidies, do the conga.  
I know you can't control yourself any longer  
Come on, shake your booty, droidies, do the conga  
I know you can't control yourself any longer

You droids gather 'round.  
Let your sensors feel the heat.  
Don't you worry if you can't dance;  
Let the music move your feet.

Cal was in the front, with Saunter behind him--he had his hands at Cal's waist and they were being followed by what looked like a battalion of droids. They would take about three steps then kick out the left foot, three steps then the right foot and on and on to the beat. Bringing up the rear was a droid hobbling on crutches.

Atton found something to bang his head against as Cal and his droid army arrived. He had seen that manic look in the Jedi's eyes before and he knew it boded no good.

"We have enough influence with Mandalore," Atton informed Cal, putting aside his bad mood at all the droids. "The _Hawk's_ ready to fly. Mandalore's coming with us. He said it doesn't make sense to take his shuttle too." Atton shooed the droids toward the hangar. "They can stay in there where they'll be safe from the rain."

Cal smiled at Mandalore. The man's voice was deeper, enhanced by the vocoder in the helmet, but Cal knew it was Canderous Ordo. "He reminds me of someone," the Mandalorian said, tapping a gauntleted finger on his helmet. "Too young, though."

The flight to Onderon was very short. Atton put the ship down in the port. Cal told T3 and HK to stay with the ship to watch over all the other droids and then he and his party went down the ramp and were met by the Port Authority officer who told him not to lose the star port visa he gave Cal, even though Cal tried to tell him he already had a Visas.

Atton took it from Cal and tucked it into the pocket of his vest to keep it safe.

Once they were past the guards and stood in the Merchant Quarter, Cal called a meeting. "Okay, splitting up into groups worked on Dxun. We have relays I want to set up. Mira, you and Visas go to the doctor's place and get the quest going for the murder we need to solve. HM, you and Bao stand over near the big pool of icky blood in the Western Hemisphere."

"Uh, that's square, Cal." Atton waited for it and was unfortunately not disappointed.

"Round, square, what's the difference?"

"It's called the Western Square," Atton said with more patience than he thought possible.

"Oh! Thanks, buddy. We'll keep in touch with our comm-links and when one gets the quest he or she will contact the ones at the next destination."

HM and Bao loped off toward the Western Square to take their post. Cal returned to issuing orders to the others. "Kreia, you go stand near Captain Riiken and talk to him to further the quest. Atton, you come with me and Saunter to the cantina. You talk to the pazaak player and find out what he knows and win us some credits and special cards. Mical, you go into the beast rider den in the cantina and talk to Panar when I contact you." He rubbed his hands together. "Okay, everyone has their assignments. This should all go off without a hitch." He realized he had forgotten Mandalore because he had not yet joined up to become part of the crew, so he sealed his words with Force Bondo as he told the Mandalorian to accompany him.

Cal and his chosen three ran into some bounty hunters, but Cal was so strong in the Force, he persuaded all of them he wasn't the Jedi they were looking for and they continued on into the Western Square. _Influence lost with Mandalore because you resolved it peacefully, you wimp!_

"Mira reporting." Cal raised his comm-link to listen. "We got the Ghent quest going and I just told the hag,um, Kreia to get the quest from Captain Riiken." His comm-link beeped and he told Mira he'd put her on hold as he talked to Kreia. He was jubilant when he talked to Mira again. "This is going so well. Nothing is going wrong."

Saunter's eyes widened and he gulped loudly. "Uh, Cal."

Cal made a not-now gesture. "I love when a plan comes together," he continued.

Saunter cleared his throat and tried to speak, but his tongue was glued to the roof of his mouth. He tugged on Cal's arm and then Atton's and drummed on Mandalore's armor, until all three turned on him in irritation.

"What?" Cal asked finally.

"Swa---Swa-aaa---Va-aaaa---Swa-aaagger Vasa!"

Cal turned to where a man was framed in the doorway of the cantina. Everybody, but Mandalore reacted by taking several steps back.

Swagger Vasa—it had been ten years, but it had to be him. He was six feet, one inch tall and was wearing black pants and an open black flak vest, leaving lots of bare, tanned skin. He had leather bands on upper arms that were an incredible mix of bulging muscles and lean sinews. A double blaster rig rode low on his lean hips. The open vest revealed the hard ridges of the man's stomach and the flat planes of his chest. Straps crossed his back, holding a double scabbard containing vibroblades.

Cal swallowed as he met Vasa's eyes. They were dark and fathomless. They made Cal feel like he stood at the leading edge of a dark storm front. The air around the man seemed to tremble with turbulence. Cal could almost feel a shift in the air pressure as he stared at Vasa.

His face was lean and hard like the rest of him, all thrusting cheekbones and a chin that was softened by a cleft, covered in what must've been several days' growth of whiskers. His brows were drawn fiercely together as the silence stretched between them, and his look was both contemptuous and speculative. He ran his hands over the dark stubble on his head—hands that were encased in black, fingerless leather gloves.

"Shucks, I need gloves like that," Saunter said from his hiding place behind Mandalore.

"You haven't changed much," Swagger said in a deceptively soft voice. "Captain Jaq's still with you I see."

"Atton Rand, but, uh, you can call me Captain Jaq." He added the last when Swagger gave him a look that dared him to correct him again.

"The deal is." Swagger pulled out a death stick and lit it. "There's a huge reward on your head, Cal and I aim to collect."

"O—over my dead body." Saunter came out from cover and took a stance in front of Cal.

"That can easily be arranged, kid." Swagger took a deep drag and tossed the death stick to the ground. His hands slid down his sides to the blasters and unsnapped the holding straps. "Never interfere with me when I'm collecting a bounty. That's rule #1."

"Last time I paid you more than my bounty and you let me go." Cal hoped the bounty hunter remembered.

Swagger arched a brow. "If you can pay me that much, sure. I haven't made it official yet since you just walked into my space."

"Wouldn't you prefer Face Book or Twitter?"

Swagger scowled and his fingers tightened into half fists.

Atton moved so that he was shoulder to shoulder with Saunter. "He's not making a joke at your expense." Atton circled his ear with a finger. "His brain is addled."

"Not my problem." Swagger looked even meaner a moment and then he sighed. "Actually, we might be able to make a deal. I need a fracking star port visa to get out of this star-forsaken place. You get one for me, Cal, and I'll rethink my decision." He folded his arms over his chest. "That's the best I can do for ya."

"We'll see what we can do," Atton promised quickly.

Swagger smirked as he studied Saunter who had worn his _Wannabe _shirt again since all the others were in the laundry. "At least you're honest about it, kid." He swaggered away and Saunter moaned.

"What?"

"I wish I could master his walk."

Cal was so rattled by the encounter with the infamous bounty hunter/assassin that he had forgotten where he was and what he was supposed to be doing.

"Where are we, Atton?"

"Iziz."

"Youze is what?" Cal could not think straight. All he was seeing were those cold, deadly eyes.

"Iziz." Atton pointed down. "Here."

"Youze is here, but where are we?"

"I---**ziz**."

"Okay," Cal said in frustration. "But where am I?"

"Iziz."

"I don't care what youze is; where am I?"

"I can tell you where you should be," Atton said under his breath. "If you'd get rid of all that rap crap, maybe you'd understand." He had a second thought. "Or maybe not."

"I can't get rid of the rap," Cal explained. "And it's not crap, by the way. When I leveled up, this is what I got."

"Did you even try to exchange it?"

"Well, no..."

"So give it a shot."

"Who am I shooting?"

Atton smacked the top of his head. "Try to exchange the Force rap for something else."

Cal looked around and was really surprised when he saw an elevator that had not been there before with a glowing green light that he accessed, causing the door to open. He and the others stepped inside and the door closed and the elevator moved slowly. Cal found himself humming to some music and found out it was coming from the elevator. There _was_ such a thing as elevator music!

"I don't remember there being an elevator on Onderon in the Guide," he told Saunter since he did not want to upset Atton.

Finally the elevator door opened and they were faced with three people all dressed in snappy, form-fitting black uniforms. The leader was a woman and Cal found himself making heavy eye rap which made the handsome dark-haired male with her scowl at the Jedi, but, my Force! Her face looked so real.

"How do you do that?" he asked after he introduced himself and his cohorts and she told him her name was Commander Shepard. "You have different expressions on your faces and different movements instead of what we do which is limited movement and we look the same all the time." Cal could tell she thought he might be mentally unbalanced by yet another expression on her lovely, realistic looking face. "And your eyes! You have points of light in your eyes and they react to your environment. And..."

"This is our floor," she said in a voice that reminded him of someone, but she had no Talravin accent. For a moment he thought of his long lost love Bastila Shan.

The man called Kaidan Alenko stood aside so the beautiful commander could precede him out of the elevator. Ashley, another woman who was drop-dead gorgeous if he considered what features he got from K2, followed. The door was about to shut when Cal leaped out of the elevator. Saunter and Mandalore stepped out, but Atton remained inside the elevator and would not budge.

"I know what this is," the pilot declared. "You've found another glitch. We're in another game, one far beyond ours with mind-blowing RPG, and I am not going to get involved."

"They might need our help. I sense trouble." Cal pointed to an orange arrow suspended in mid-air that flashed _Chora's Den_ when Shepard and her party passed it. "That's what Jedi do. We help people."

"I know I'm going to regret this," Atton muttered, pulling his blasters. "I have a bad feeling about this, Cal."

_Quick! Everybody! Save your game!_

Cal heard shooting and he rushed to the front entrance of Chora's Den. The door opened and he stopped as he saw several red triangles. "What are those things?"

Shepard and her people were pinned down by several bad guys. They had to be bad guys or they wouldn't be shooting at such a nubile beauty he reasoned. He drew his lightsaber and it would not light up.

Atton groaned as his blaster failed to fire. "I was afraid of this. Our weapons don't work in this Traverse."

Saunter sneaked up behind Kaidan who almost shot his head off and politely asked if he could borrow one of his weapons so he could help out. Kaidan nodded and handed the kid what he called a shotgun. "Aim at the red targets, kid," he said in a voice that reminded Cal very much of Carth Onasi.

Ashley and Shepard gave Mandalore and Atton one of their weapons and soon they had the red triangles targeted and taken down. Cal stood, reaching out with the Force. "All dead, and I see your enemies disappear like in K2."

"Thanks for your help." Shepard kept her demeanor completely professional.

"I guess we better be going. Do you know where we go to exchange something?"

Shepard consulted her map. "You're in the Wards. Find the markets. Thanks, again."

Cal sighed. Her voice reminded him so much of Bastila even though she sounded so sharp and to the point all the time.

It took them awhile, but they managed to find the markets and Cal went up to a window that had a sign that said _Exchange, but you have to go to your own level up screen, moron, in __**you**__r game not _Mass Effect_!_

Cal clicked on the level up icon. "I'd like to make an exchange."

The clerk looked at him as if he had two heads. "Sorry, no exchanges." He looked past Cal to the next person in line. "Next!"

"Wait a minute." Cal refused to relinquish his place in line. "I just want to exchange the Force rap."

The clerk heaved a weary sigh. "Do you have your level up receipt?"

"Huh?" Cal asked, puzzled.

"Your level up receipt. Do you have it?"

"I didn't get one."

"Nonsense," the clerk said tersely. "Everybody gets a level up receipt."

Cal looked to the side. "Atton, do you have any level up receipts?"

"I don't do the leveling up, remember? Chuck does it-the guy playing the game, remember?"

Cal turned back to the clerk. "We didn't get receipts."

"Everybody gets a receipt, and you have to keep it for thirty days. After that there are absolutely no exchanges."

"Thirty days?" Cal asked in astonishment. "Why would I keep a receipt for thirty days? If I did that, I'd have more receipts in my RPG rucksack than gloves and gauntlets."

"Sorry, can't exchange those either. Once you wear them they're not exchangeable, even with a receipt."

"I don't wear them." Cal frowned. "They don't match my outfit, and they never work. Besides, you can't see them when I put them on anyway."

"No exchanges." The clerk called to the person behind Cal, "Next!"

"I'm not done yet." Cal put a hand out to keep the person from stepping forward. "I want to exchange my Force rap."

"He won't leave till you do something," Atton advised.

The exasperated clerk heaved another sigh. "I'll see what I can do." He tapped some information into his terminal and waited for a response. "Okay, I see here that someone on the other side of the galaxy wants to exchange Force karaoke for Force rap."

"Oh joy!" Cal clapped his hands. "Rapture!"

"What a happy random happenstance," Atton muttered. "Now we'll have words floating in front of us with a bouncing ball showing us what word to sing next."

"I'll take it!" Cal decided. He took the receipt and Atton took it from him and tucked it into his RPG rucksack. When the game unpaused they found themselves back on Iziz. Cal had to review what he was supposed to be doing. He was dressed back in his Jedi robes—the rapper clothes were gone. He pulled his hood up to hide his face. No telling how many other bounty hunters wanted to turn him in for the bounty.

They continued the plan: solving the murder, getting Dr. Ghent out of jail, furthering the plot along. Cal led them into a small secluded room that had once belonged to the beast riders until they had their butts kicked. It had been turned into a karaoke bar with a stage and mike.

There was a large kidney-shaped instrument of shining black with what looked like lots of white teeth, some with cavities appearing black standing on tall spindly legs. A thin man with short dark hair and dark eyes and pale skin sat on a bench, his fingers racing over the teeth.

"Hello, folks, welcome to the cantina's first karaoke sing-off. My name is Piano Reeves and I will play the accompaniment for the singers."

One of the deposed beast riders got on stage, sang about five notes and there was the sound of a blaster bolt. He dropped to the floor. Swagger Vasa grabbed the man by the ankles and hauled him off the stage.

"That's one," he said, smirking. "It was a mercy killing." When nobody in the shocked room laughed, he scowled. "He has a bounty on his head, you idiots." He muttered under his breath as he took his seat. "Like I'd waste my time and ammo shooting a damn karaoke singer."

"And our last contestant will now take the stage. You know him! You love him! Swagger Vasa!"

There was thunderous applause as Swagger took the stage with his guitar. A spotlight centered on him as he played the opening chords.

(_Director cues the music to The Steve Miller Band's _Fly Like an Eagle_)_

I wanna fly in the Seeker

Off this *($&%& place.

I wanna fly in the Seeker.

Get the *($& outta my face!

For a moment nobody made a sound. They were all frozen from all the obscenities spewing from Vasa—half in Mandalorian, half Echani—choice curses, and then they erupted into applause, calling for an encore.

Swagger smirked and played and sang softly.

_(Director cues music for Eric Clapton's I Shot the Sheriff.)_

I shot the ($*&%& sheriff,

But I didn't shoot the *$^&% deputy.

* * *

Cal had been in the audience and came out of the cantina with his hands over his ears and a shocked look on his face.

"What's wrong?" Atton asked. He had been playing pazaak until poor Nikko called him the "pazaak shark" and had run out of credits. He had then called the others to come and meet them outside the cantina since all the side quests had been done—well, except for one, he amended.

How Cal could even think about giving the open star port visa to the woman with her kids when he had promised it to Swagger was staggering.

"Who knew Swagger Vasa had a karaoke fettish."

"Did _he_ sing?"

Cal trembled. "Oh, yeah.

"Good voice?"

"Oh, yeah." Cal nodded vehemently.

"So what's wrong..."

"He kept changing the words."

"To what?"

"*$&%^&%^."

"What?" Atton was shocked.

"And )$(%&."

"Doesn't he know this is rated T for Teen?"

"I don't think he cares," Cal explained. "That's why I have to say $*%^%. If they heard what I heard, their ears would fall off."

"Cal, we have to give him the open star port visa." Atton urged.

"But that poor lady and her kids will be stranded when all the fighting starts." Cal took on a pleading expression. "Besides, we're waiting for Ghent to contact Master Kavar and then we get one from the leader of the beast riders, uh, what's her name, Su-Su-Sullio?"

"No, she was the captain who was killed. I believe the one you're thinking of is Bakkel."

"Bagel?"

Atton spelled the name for Cal. "So, we give this one to Swagger. Cal, you don't mess with Swagger Vasa, dammit!" Atton turned to confirm with Saunter. "Right, kid?" He frowned and looked around. "Kid?"

Saunter was not in the group. Cal was very concerned and told everyone to spread out and look for him. He and Atton rushed back toward the cantina.

Meanwhile, about thirty minutes earlier, Saunter had spotted his evil twin Skippy and someone who could double for Cal, so he had put on a stealth belt and followed them. Skippy and the Bad Cal parted company, but his brother continued and waited at the side entrance to the cantina. Skippy was up to no good. Had he found out the real Swagger Vasa was here? Was he actually going to try to kill the legend himself? Was he going to try his hand at karaoke?

_Stay tuned and find out next chapter._

21


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9:

Changing the Rules

_A/N I still do not own Star Wars, if I did I would hire Bioware to make K3 as good as Mass Effect. Only two songs in this tale, but I don't own the original lyrics. Hope this makes you laugh and have a good time reading it as much as it is for me to write it._

Cal and Atton dashed about the plaza in the Western Square, until Atton grabbed the Jedi by the arm and pulled him to a stop. Cal was frantic to find Saunter and tried to pull away.

"Cal, dude, calm down!" Atton patted the distraught Jedi on the shoulder. "If you were Saunter where would you go?"

"To see my idol Swagger Vasa?" He pointed to the cantina. "Let's go."

* * *

Meanwhile Saunter was confronting his evil twin Skippy. "Skippy, I know what you're up to," he said, noting the drawn blaster his twin held at the ready. "You plan on killing him. Why? Why would you do that?"

Skippy had perfected his evil laugh and he used it now, sneering at his twin. "Because I'm better than he is. I'll be like the dread pirate Roberts. The original retired a long time ago. I plan on 'retiring' the real Swagger Vasa and becoming him."

Saunter swallowed hard, an audible sound and his twin's sneer grew more pronounced. "I can't let you do this. I—I'll stop you."

"You don't have the guts, but if you feel that way about it, I can spill yours while I wait for him." Skippy holstered his blaster and pulled his sword.

"How can you spill my guts if I don't have any? You just said I don't have any." Saunter gulped again, drawing upon courage that was fast deserting him. He really stood no chance against his evil twin. Skippy was really good with a sword and an excellent marksman. Maybe he should just back away from this fight, which he was sure to lose, and find Swagger and warn him.

"Too late for you to run, Bro. Time for you to die."

_(Director says, "Cue music for Skippy's singing debut.)_

_A Gonnabe's gotta do what a Gonnabe's gotta do_

_Don't plan the plan if you can't follow through_

_All that matters is taking matters into your own hands_

_Soon I'll control everything, I'll be Swagger in command_

Saunter cowered as his twin approached. Skippy never saw the hand that grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and slammed him against the back wall of the cantina. There was the hiss a stealth generator makes and the real Swagger appeared. He gave Saunter a look that told him in no uncertain words to remain where he was.

_Director cues music for Vasa._

_Stand back, kid; there's nothing here to see (Bang! He slams Skippy's head against the building again)_

_Just imminent danger, in the middle of it, me. (Bam! Knee to the gut.)_

_Yes, Swagger Vasa's here; taking the Gonnabe out's a breeze. (Crack! He lands a fist to Skippy's jaw.)_

_The Wannabe needs my saving expertise_.

Saunter winced when Swagger dug under Skippy's waistband, grabbed a handful of his twin's underwear and gave him the wedgie of his life. Skippy howled.

_Same song, but now Saunter sings._

_Thank you Swagger, man, I don't think I can_

_Explain how important it was that you stopped my evil twin_

_My guts would be gushing out; I'd be spinning to the ground_

_Thank you, sir for coming around._

Swagger bashed Skippy again and sang nonchalantly.

_A bounty hunter's gotta do what a bounty hunter's gotta do_

_Seems destiny ends with me saving you_

_When you're the best, you can't rest, what's the use_

_There's ass needs kicking, some ticking bomb to defuse _

_The only doom that's looming is you boring me to death..._

Swagger thrashed Skippy until he begged for his life, groveling before the man he had hoped to depose. Swagger gave him a contemptuous shove to Skippy's butt with his boot, sending him sprawling. The bounty hunter turned to regard Saunter.

"Let that be a lesson to you, kid. If you want to walk the walk, talk the talk, live the life I've lived, you have to be willing to kill."

"But you didn't kill him," Saunter pointed out.

Swagger pulled out a death stick and lit it, took a deep drag and blew the acrid smoke into Saunter's face. "Nope. If you think the lesson wasn't learned, I'll remedy that right now."

Saunter choked and gasped, then shook his head. Skippy was lying on the ground sobbing. Saunter had never felt such sympathy for his twin, but at the amount of humiliation he had just suffered, he could not help but feel sorry for him.

Right then, Cal and Atton arrived. Cal hugged Saunter to him like he was his long lost son. Swagger continued to smoke, but his sharp mind was at work as he studied the tableau. When he had smoked the death stick down to the cherry, Swagger tossed it to the ground and stalked over to Cal.

"Tell me you didn't just give away my starport visa to that woman and her two brats in the Merch Quarter." He stroked an arched brow. "She gave ya the sob story, right? And you bought it, right?"

Cal nodded and thought this must be what it was like to see his life flash before his eyes. All in all, not a bad life...

"I want you to see something," Swagger growled and he forced Cal back inside the cantina. "Look, Jedi, and learn not everyone is trustworthy."

Cal saw Terlyn give the starport visa he had given her to Sakari and she got 5,000 credits for it. He saw the kids at the bar having juma juice.

Swagger spoke in a low voice so only Cal could hear. "They aren't really kids—they're Arzonians. They're really two hundred years old. I've seen them pull this same scam on all the good-hearted losers over and over since the pilots got stranded."

One of the "kids" spotted Cal and came over and kicked him in the shins. Cal jumped about until the pain subsided. The other "kid" stuck out her tongue.

Cal fumed, "It's enough to turn me to the dark side! "

_**Dark Side**__ points gained._

Cal tried to correct his mistake. "Uh, I mean, it could, under other circumstances, be enough to turn me to the dark side."

_Are you kidding? __**Double Dark Side**__ points for trying to confuse the issue._

Saunter spoke up. "Um, he's the one who's confused, not the issue."

Swagger snorted. "You sure he's not your son? I'd get a DNA test if I were you. Stands for Dumb-ass Natal Association."

"He's not my son." Cal looked at Saunter. "Uh, you're not, are you?"

"I never knew my dad. Mom said she met him during the Mandalorian Wars and never saw him again after the final battle."

Cal looked absolutely petrified. "That was about ten years ago. I was a Jedi Knight when I followed Rev to war. I was 18—I'm 28 now. Oh, my Force, you could be!"

Swagger exchanged a look with Atton that told him to deal with the resident moron Jedi and son. "Cal, try to focus," Atton said. "Did you have sex with a girl during the Mandie Wars?"

Cal shook his head.

Atton nodded. "Okay, did you have sex with a girl after you were exiled?"

Cal gulped. 'I don't kiss and tell."

"You don't have to give me a name, just the answer yes or no."

"Ye---ess."

"How long after you were exiled?"

"I became a hermit for two years and then I joined up with some pirates, but I didn't like their team and I was always out in left field."

"Man, you were born in left field," Swagger muttered. "I'll settle this before you drive me insane." He had Cal hold out all his fingers and count on them. After finding out Saunter's age, he said, "Do the math, Jedi. Kid's sixteen. You were eighteen when you joined the war. War lasted how long?"

Cal thought so hard, sweat popped out on his forehead. "Um, depends on what source you go to. Some say three and some say five."

"Say it was five. That would've made you how old?"

"I wouldn't say it made me old."

Swagger swiped his hands over his scalp. "What was your fracking age?" he snapped.

"Twenty-three."

"And you didn't have sex with a woman until after the war, correct?"

"Yes." Sweat rolled down Cal's face. "Twenty five, because hermits don't have sex, because their lack of personal hygiene can be offensive."

"And you are how old now?" Swagger was running out of patience.

"Twenty eight. My sowing oats days would've been when I was a pirate."

"Doesn't matter. Math doesn't lie and Saunter here can't be your son and still be the age he is, got it?"

Atton knew the answer before Cal said it, "Uh, no?"

Swagger gave up. "Cal, congrats, you are the proud clueless father of a clueless son."

Cal was thunderstruck for a moment and then he realized he could not really be struck by thunder, so he relaxed a little, meeting Saunter's wide eyes. "Son!"

"Dad?"

"Psych!" Swagger smirked. "I was just messin' with ya."

"That was not nice!" Cal looked crestfallen and then he bent down and picked up his crest, but didn't know what to do with it.

"Hey, Cal, if I had a dad, I'd want him to be you." Saunter did a passable smirk at Swagger which earned him a hard slap to the back of the head.

"Don't smirk like me, kid." Swagger returned to the business at hand. "Because I'm such a nice guy, I'll give you one more chance. Screw with me again and I'll take only your head back to Nar Shaddaa."

Cal and Saunter gulped at the same time and nodded, looking like those bobble dolls for Baseball, whatever baseball was, Atton thought as he watched.

Cal tried to speak and his voice cracked from the strain of having a pair of intense dark eyes penetrating to the marrow of his bones. "I swear, Swagger, I won't fail you again."

Swagger made a gesture of dismissal. "I'll be in the karaoke room. I'll give you an hour." He crossed his arms over his chest. "Don't even think of running because I will get off this port and I will track you down and make you suffer."

Atton guided his stricken friend out of the cantina. He patted Cal on the back and used the Force to bolster him. Saunter looked for Skippy, but he had gone. Saunter was not sure his twin _had_ learned his lesson. It was more likely he would find a gang and ambush Swagger.

"Okay, breathe, Cal." Atton snapped his fingers in front of the wide, glassy eyes. "We have an hour. We already know where we get the other starport visa. Bakkel, the leader of the Beast Riders. We get the bad doctor's records she stole and after we kill her, we take the starport visa."

Cal met Saunter's sympathetic gaze. "We have to kill her," he said apologetically. "She won't give us the choice of resolving things peacefully."

Bakkel had been given the worst of all the mods in the game. She had a face only a Drexl could love and a mood to match the face.

Cal, Atton and Saunter stood in the doorway, knowing they were being caught up in yet another glitch. Bakkel and her men were all dressed in Cowboy duds and walked bow-legged. Some of the men strummed guitars and Panar, her head guy held a mike and sang the song of the Beast Riders.

_An ugly gal went ridin' one dark and windy day  
Upon Iziz she landed as she went along her way  
When all at once a mighty Jedi band became her doom_

_A plowin' into the cantina and going to her room._

Yippee-i-yay  
Yippee-i-yo  
Beast riders in the sky.

Bakkel looked offended and her mood became even more vile so that when she saw Cal and his crew, she had her men attack them without provocation or remorse. Unknown to them, Provocation along with Remorse, was in the Swoop Bike part of the cantina, trying to keep a safe distance from Bakkel. I mean, what did it matter? To their way of thinking, she always attacked without them.

With Cal and Atton's strong Force powers, the whole gang was laid to rest. Saunter, looking a little green, and it's not easy being green, watched from the door way. Cal smiled at the young dude and decided he would perform a magic trick to make the kid feel better. He whipped the table cloth off the table one of the Beast Riders had been sitting and used it to cover Bakkel's body. When he flicked it up, her body had disappeared. Saunter was suitably impressed, and what was more important, had been diverted from all the carnage.

Atton whispered aside to Cal, "Don't the bodies disappear anyway?"

The Jedi looked disgruntled. "I know that and you know that, but the kid doesn't know that, and they only disappear after the third guy bites the dust. Some of them, all that's left is what you get from the game."

Atton nodded and they chorused, "Gloves, armor, shields, robes and sometimes, like with Bakkel, something to activate yet another cut scene."

"Got what we need for the doc and here's the visa." Atton and Cal high-fived. "Let's go give it to Swagger."

Swagger was not in the karaoke bar when they sought him. The stage manager told them he had gone to the Merchant Quarter. Cal had a very good reason NOT to go there, because he had avoided not one, but TWO confrontations with deadly bounty hunters. He had told Kreia to meet him after she got the murder quest from Captain Riiken and had not heard from her since. Had someone discovered she was a Jedi and taken her?

He began counting hands. Since he only had two, he used Atton and Saunter's as well. On one hand, if she had been captured, she could not manipulate him anymore; on the other hand, she played an important part (unfortunately) in the outcome of the game; on Atton's hand, she had been nothing but trouble since he'd met her on Peragus; on Atton's other hand, there could be no ending to the game and he would not be free of her unless she was present to make his life even more miserable; on Saunter's hand,... He found he needed no more hands. Kreia, if she had been taken, must be rescued. He could hardly wait for Atton's reaction to that.

"We better head there and make sure Kreia's okay," he told Atton and received the stymied stare he expected. "I know, buddy, but you know what she does and she has to be present to do those despicable things."

As he knew they would, they ran into a large group of bounty hunters. It seemed the first group had gotten tired waiting for him and had come to the Western Square to join forces with the second group.

"I'll take the twenty on the left," Atton said in his most sarcastic voice. "Cal, you take the twenty on the right."

"What about me?" Saunter had drawn his sword and now put down pencil and paper and pulled his weapon from the scabbard. "I can fight one—maybe two." He drew a line in the sand and ten bounty hunters crossed it. He jumped back. "Oops!"

The ranks of the bounty hunters as they surrounded them, broke and a lone figure swaggered into view. Dark eyes raked over the Duros, Twi'leks, Rodians and humans. He walked over to Cal and snapped a pair of cuffs on his wrists.

"Sorry, boys, but he's mine." When they blocked his passage, Swagger blew out a gust of air. "How many of you are also an elite assassin? Raise your hands."

Four quietly raised their hands. Swagger pulled his blaster with lightning speed and shot them. When the dust raised by their bodies settled, Swagger smirked. "Anybody else care to take what's mine?"

The disgruntled crowd dispersed and Swagger unlocked the cuffs. Cal rubbed his wrists and handed Swagger the starport visa. The bounty hunter dipped his head once in acknowledgement.

"Ya know, Cal, the bounty on you is really hard for a guy like me to pass up. Let's just say, this is a down payment. You owe me a helluva lot more before I can let you walk away."

"Well, if you want to make sure I'm alive to make good on that bounty, you better come with us." Cal ignored Atton's choking superlative. "I have to meet with a Jedi Master and I need part of my crew to go to Dxun to Freedon Nadd's tomb and try to stop a really lame-o Sith ritual. They'll arrive too late, but..."

"But what?" Swagger shook his head. "You Jedi crack me up. What do you get out of this?"

"Experience?"

"Do you need more experience?" Swagger suppressed an eye roll with difficulty.

"Well...no."

"Then why go?" Swagger took an intimidating pose. "Besides, Cal, what makes you think I'll let you or your crew outta my sight until either the bounty's met or I decide to collect the whole thing?"

"Okie-dokie, that takes care of that. So, I'll meet with Master Kavar and we'll skip Dxun." Cal's eyes widened. "Oh, but I do have to go to Korriban!"

"No. You. Don't." Swagger said between clenched teeth.

"We really don't," Atton told Cal quietly. "I mean, do you want a meet with Sleeps-With-Vibroblades? I certainly don't!"

"O-ooo-kay." Cal was starting to wonder what would happen if he skipped all these parts of the game, but Vasa was leaving him no choice. "So, we sided with Queen Talia and will have to save her, which means we need to meet Master Kavar in the cantina and we'll be interrupted by some captain who works for General Vaklu and I'll tell him I like the queen and he'll 'sic' his guards on me and we'll have to fight everybody on our way back to the ship, except..."

Saunter raised his hand in excitement. 'Ooh, ooh! Let me!" When Cal nodded, he continued, "Except. Now you don't have to leave to go to Dxun or Korriban and then come back here because you are already here and can fight for the queen."

Swagger scratched his chin as he regarded Cal. "Question for ya: if ya know all this stuff and ya know the outcome, then why the hell do you do it?"

"Because the Guide says so." Cal showed it to Swagger.

"I'm not even in this story," the bounty hunter asserted. "Although I do remember you when Jaden was on her adventure."

"Well, see there are stories written based on the game and the authors invent OCs, which means original characters because it gets really boring to the readers to just read another walk-thru of the game."

"Whatever." Swagger started to walk away and paused, cocking his head as he reconsidered and then came back. "I'm on the team. You need some one with intelligence and knowledge of battle."

"Hey, I was a Jedi General!" Cal protested half-heartedly.

"Yep, you **were." **He snickered. "How long ago was that, Cally?"

"Don't ask him a math question or we'll be here all day," Atton pleaded.

"Consider the question withdrawn." Swagger shrugged.

"Withdrawn where?"

Atton moaned. "Don't kill him because he's stupid," he begged Swagger. He explained about Cal leveling up past 60, but only having a 16 intelligence.

Swagger smiled his rare dimpled smile. "Explains a lot." He tapped Cal on the shoulder. "You might consider leveling up your intelligence next time round."

"Time round what?"

"Quit while you're ahead," Atton warned the beleaguered Jedi.

Swagger rolled his eyes and they came up double 6's. He scooped them up and put them back in the sockets. If what just happened concerned him, the bounty hunter did not show it. Whenever he was around Cal or any of the others in the game, weird things happened, like him suddenly liking karaoke.

If he could only find the writer who dared to write him so OOC... He grinned a firaxen shark's grin and broke the fourth wall, by staring directly into the writer's eyes.

Who switched quickly to another POV. Cal's. Cal was still trying to come to grips with all the changes to his itinerary. He called the others on his J-phone and told them to meet him in the cantina. He and the other three with him, returned to Doc Ghent and gave him the datapad he needed so he could instigate a fade-to-black and Master Kavar's cut scene in the cantina.

Kavar had always been Cal's favorite when he attended Jedi U. He was considered a hunk by the girls, but Cal found him a pleasant change from the other masters. He had a sense of humor for one thing. And the Mod Gods had been kind to give him a face that was not all that bad. Cal and Kavar had been friends and it had been the master's suggestion for Cal to become a Jedi Guardian.

The two exchanged their secret handshake, wiggling their fingers over their heads, dancing on one foot in a tight circle and then sat, aware that everyone in the cantina was staring at them.

"So, we looked everywhere for you and you turn up here," Master Kavar said in his pleasant deep voice. "It seems the Force does have a sense of humor." He regarded Atton and Swagger. "Strange company you're keeping these days: a retired pirate and a bounty hunter/assassin and a wannabe, but strange times call for strange bedfellows."

"Hey, I am not sleeping with them!" Cal refuted.

Master Kavar's blue eyes twinkled. "I see he still takes everything literally." When the others nodded, he chuckled. "So, you opted to help Queen Talia? I'll contact you when..."

Swagger cleared his throat. "It plays like this, Jedi. The whole stupid thing about him leaving to go to Dxun or Korriban and splitting his forces when you contact him, ain't happening. He helps you here. Now. He has all of his crew, not just the quota of three."

Master Kavar looked affronted and Cal wondered idly if a person could look abackted. He shook his head to clear it of cobwebs, although what was a cob and why did it spin webs?

"Stop thinking," Swagger hissed into his ear and the lights came back on in Cal's eyes.

"This is highly inappropriate." Master Kavar wanted to frown or something to show his displeasure, but this wasn't Mass Effect and he could not change his expression. "It seems you've broken every rule of the game. Don't you know there will be consequences, Cal?"

"Like what?" Swagger answered for Cal. "Like he doesn't waste time doing tasks for points since he's already past 60 levels." He tapped a finger against Kavar's broad chest. "Accept his help right now or he leaves Iziz and you never see him again." He leaned closer. "Or, there's bounty on Jedi and I could take you to Nar Shaddaa in his place." He straightened. "Your choice."

"I see your point." Master Kavar nodded. "Okay, I don't know if the rest of the game will cooperate. You may be stuck here forever, but..." He paused and his blue eyes clashed with obsidian. "You do know another cut scene will have to play?"

Cal nodded and Kavar's next sentence was cut off as Colonel Tobin, General Vaklu's second-in-command, appeared along with his soldiers. Kavar put them into stasis and fled the cantina, leaving Cal to face them once they came out of it. Tobin took off after Kavar, but returned shortly and Cal knew the master had slipped through his fingers.

Tobin was another person the mods had not been kind to—his face was long like a horse's, with beady blue eyes and dark blond hair swept back that made his face look even longer and thinner. He was dressed in the Onderonian uniform with what looked like a towel draped over his right shoulder.

He went into his spiel, blah blah blah, it all went in one ear and out the other, since Cal already knew what his response to the man would be.

"I support Queen Talia," he told the man.

Immediately a fire fight broke out, but since just about everyone in the place belonged to Cal's crew, they made short work of the Onderonian soldiers. Swagger had Saunter read the Guide to him as they exited the cantina.

"We go to—" Saunter's mouth fell open as he gazed at all the destruction.

Cal had a bad feeling and swept them all up in a Force-induced speeding run and got them out of the Western Square just as it was bombed. Had they stayed a moment more, they would have been trapped, unable to continue the quest.

"Whew, that was too close!" Atton got up from where he had been thrown by the force of the explosion.

Cal went to all the ladies and Kreia and helped them up. Saunter had been tossed into a garbage heap and came out with pieces of lettuce in his hair. He was still holding the Guide. Swagger took the moment to smoke a death stick. Hanging out with Cal was getting on his nerves.

"The '_raging civil war'_," Saunter read from the Guide. "has begun." He looked around as a battalion of enemy troops descended on them. "We need to fight through them to get to the Sky Ramp."

Cal cast all of them into Force stasis and walked the short distance to the Sky Ramp. It was a narrow walkway supported by high pillars, starting with the entrance in the Merchant Quarter and up a hundred feet above.

"What do we face, kid?" Swagger asked.

"Uh, mines, force fields, traps by some Twi'lek called Kiph and lots and lots of soldiers, including some Sith Lords—oh, and bomas."

"Don't like the odds," Swagger mused. He regarded Mandalore for a moment. "You up for doing things the old fashioned way, Canderous?"

"How'd you know it was me, Hardcase?" Canderous used the nickname he'd called Swagger when they met during Jaden's game.

"Suffice it to say, I do. We have the _Hawk_ and the _Seeker. _I say we fight our way through the smaller amount of resistance and take one or both ships and land near the palace. Skip all of the agro."

Canderous chuckled. "You always did have innovative solutions. I'm in!"

Cal argued with Kreia all the way back to the port when he was not fighting, that is. Swagger shoved him up the _Hawk's _ramp. "We'll take your ship since they have anti-aircraft turrets." He gave Atton the hi-sign to take off.

Atton flew the ship over the Sky Ramp and her guns wiped out all the enemy. He landed her close to the palace entrance and they all hurried inside and had a brief word with the person in charge. Cal could not remember his name and Saunter was taking his job as Guide reader to the extreme, so Cal opted for nodding and running to the room where Tobin was, arriving just in time for the door to slam shut in his face.

"Now what?" Swagger leaned against a wall and cleaned his nails with his dagger.

"We battle our way through grenadiers, Sith, soldiers and gunners."

"Main objective, kid." Swagger tucked away his dagger.

"Oh, we need to go into the south wing to the end of the hall."

"Who's the best at stealth?"

"That would be me," Atton told the bounty hunter.

"You and I stealth—get by all that, get inside the room, take out everybody and stop the slicer."

Cal raised his hand. "Um, sorry, but I promised Jaden, if we ever encountered any Twi'leks I'd try not to kill them."

Swagger smirked. "I do recall her liking them—a little too much, but the decision's mine not yours."

"What do _we_ do?" Cal asked, knowing the others were looking at him to lead them.

"Go take care of the north wing."

Saunter read aloud again. "Don't go to the room where Kavar is." He gave Mira the code for the royal vault in the queen's room at the very end of the hall. "You high in security?" When Mira nodded, he continued," Then open the containers." He whispered," Cal's in danger of being dragged off for the bounty. I figure, with the booty we get from this place, plus the reward the queen will give him we might be able to convince Swagger not to turn him in."

"Kid, you're like a fungus." At Saunter's expression, she kindly explained. "I mean, you're growing on me. We have to make sure Cal's head stays attached to his scrumptious body."

"What do I do?" Kreia asked, aiming a finger at Cal.

Saunter replied, "There's a room where only someone like you can go. It's the museum." He winked at Cal.

Kreia humphed loudly, actually pleased someone finally acknowledged her superior-ness. Cal swallowed hard as he watched her go. "Isn't that the room that has the gas vents?"

Saunter gave him an ultra innocent look. "It is?"

A moment later, Kreia was back, sputtering, in an absolutely foul mood. "Look at my health line!" she spat. "It's green!" She pointed a finger at Saunter. "If I didn't know better I'd think you did that on purpose."

Saunter shook his head. "Oh, no, ma'am."

Cal waved a hand at her health line and it returned to its natural red. Although he wondered why red when health was associated with the color pink. In the pink of health was the saying not the red of health. Tickled pink, not tickled red. However, red flags not pink flags. Red herrings not pink...Which got his mind going on another tangent. Doldrums—what kind of music did they play? And humdrums, did they really hum? And why did people pick on poor cows calling them oxymorons?

Fingers snapped in front of his eyes. "Thinking again, eh?" Swagger grinned. "We're done. Atton switched the terminal off and we have the code for the northern terminal that will open the antechamber so we can rescue her highnessness."

"Oops, we haven't even moved from this spot. I got to thinking..."

Swagger's brows rose. "Dangerous."

He and Cal led the crew and took care of all resistance. Mira had ransacked all rooms while stealthed and stored all the stuff in her RPG rucksack. Never leave home without it. She had made quite a sweet haul.

They went to the room that triggered another cut scene with Master Kavar and someone with a butch haircut that Saunter skipped over the name because he really was thrown in there for filler, ended the scene by putting the code into the terminal and Kavar rushed off to protect the queen, leaving (you guessed it) Cal to face the big, mean, drexl larva the Sith had been prodding with a very sharp pointy thing for who knows how long, until it broke through the barrier field.

Using critical strike and Force powers, the beast was brought down. Cal smiled as he entered the room where the queen's soldiers were fighting Vaklu's soldiers. He knew all he had to do was to sit down and use Force Battle Meditation and he wouldn't have to fight at all.

Swagger and Canderous were all for laying the place to waste, though, so he used the Battle Meditation for the cut scene and then joined in the fray. It was a short fight. Being a 60+ Jedi powers' guy kinda took all the challenge out of things, not that Cal was complaining.

Freeze the enemy. Fry the enemy. Cut scene with the queen and Vaklu. Hey, she wasn't bad with a sword! Looked and sounded like she was from New Deli. Was there an old deli? Cal wondered what kind of food they served at the new one.

Atton slapped him on the back. "Cal, you're doing it again." He gestured to Master Kavar who was waiting somewhat impatiently to talk to Cal. The fight was over??!!

He woke out of his thinking stupor just long enough to give a light side talk to Queen Talia and she didn't follow his advice and had the firing squad take out her cousin. She told him to talk to Master Kavar and she would return shortly.

Queen Talia paused and regarded Cal. "You have done such a wonderful thing for me and my people and I cannot repay you, but I must ask you to do one more favor for me." She motioned and a male child came to her side. He looked to be about four years old with blue eyes and blond hair and a cleft in his chin. "This is my nephew Albert. Will you take him to the little Prince's room for me while I am gone?"

Cal nodded and held out his hand to the child. He asked Captain Riiken where the little Prince's room was and led the kid there and waited outside.

Atton found him still waiting. "What are you doing out here, Cal?"

"I have Prince Albert in the can."

Without blinking, Atton replied, "You better let him out."

"Is that what I need to do?" Cal unlocked the door and abruptly received a kick from the kid who had been trapped inside for almost thirty standard minutes.

Atton kept his features under control, although the impulse to burst into laughter was hard to control. "Kavar wants to talk to you."

Cal and Kavar did their secret thing again. "She so likes you, Kav."

"Do you think so?" Kavar looked pleasantly surprised and Swagger, overhearing it, snorted. Another clueless Jedi. It was so damn obvious the queen had the hots for Kavar! "I thought she might have a bit of a crush."

Cal shook his head. "Vrook, Kaarde, and Zez are on Dantooine. You should go there. Vash was killed by a Sith Lord on Korriban, so she won't be able to join you."

"A Sith Lord?"

"Duh," Saunter muttered, noticing the way Swagger rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, I'll see you there. In fact, you could come with us and I'll give you a ride."

"No, I better go since by the time you get there, we some how find the funds to start rebuilding the Enclave." His eyes twinkled as he raised a worn copy of a book. "I have my Guide, too."

"So, you know I know what you will do to me?"

"I'm sorry. We're Jedi. Unlike you, Cal, we have to follow the rules of the game."

"You did read the part where you ALL die, right?"

Kavar looked startled. "I.... may have missed that part."

"Saunter, if you please."

Saunter stepped forward. "The Exile returns to Dantooine to find the masters, should only be three, but Kaarde makes four-- waiting for him and they still refuse to help him and actually come to the stupid conclusion to strip him of the Force...again. Anyway, to make a boring story short, Kreia reveals herself and kills them, telling them to see through the Exile's eyes."

"And if you think about it, that's pretty creepy," Cal muttered.

"So, do you think she likes me a lot?"

"She would jump your bones in a second," Swagger said. The bounty hunter was looking at Prince Albert then at Kavar and putting things together. "The half-blood prince tells me she already has."

"Ooh." The mental picture that gave Cal was disturbing. "But he's her nephew. Wouldn't that mean he had a fling with her sister?"

"If she had a sister, moron. Wookipedia doesn't say she had a sister."

"To be fair, Swagger, Wookipedia doesn't say she had a nephew either. It's that writer messing with us again." Saunter looked nervously around.

"Really? You really think so?" Kavar had turned to the others who all followed Swagger's lead.

Atton grinned snarkily. "Maybe you should stay here and become the King of Iziz."

"Well, when we split up the Council, we said that meant we weren't really Jedi anymore, so, since you tell me Kaarde's going to be there and I always liked you, Cal, I think I'll remain here."

"I won't tell the others," Cal said. "I promise."

.

18


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10:

**I Gotta Be Me!**

Sylar Exile and his minion, the evil twin Skippy watched as Cal and his crew, now joined by Swagger Vasa, exited through the port-of-call after showing the Port Authority their starport visas.

Unlike everybody else in the story, Sylar had no sense of humor. He had hoped to keep Cal trapped in the Western Square when the Jedi had decided not to play by the rules. He had known it would be cut off when Vaklu's fighters bombed it. He had to admit that was the only thing about the clueless Jedi he did like—skipping parts of the game, but it wasn't enough.

Cal practically shone like a beacon, his Force powers were so strong now and that greatly interested Sylar. The man playing his side of the game was the real Sylar and he was not a genius when it came to mods like Cal's Chuck or Hiro, but he had given Sylar Exile the ability he had, which was to take others' powers. It was time to bleed Cal dry again. He just needed to get him alone.

He turned to regard his bruised, bloody minion. Vasa had really done a number on him.

"Since you can't handle this on your own, get a gang together. They should be going to Dantooine if Cal follows the Guide. I want you to arrange an ambush. He should head to the Enclave, but knowing Cal, he'll get there later than you. He'll find something noble to do before he arrives."

"Over the bug I planted on Swagger when he was beating the crap out of me, I heard them say they might skip going back to Dantooine." Skippy winced and wiped blood from where a tooth had scored his lip when Swagger smacked him in the face.

Sylar tightened a fist. "Did they say where they are going?"

"Didn't seem to know, and once they take off, the bug will be useless." Skippy's eye brightened; the other was shut from Swagger's other fist connecting with his face. "I have an idea." He leaned close to his mentor and whispered his plan.

Sylar nodded in agreement. "That just might work. Keep in touch and see if you can maneuver Cal somewhere I can reach him."

Skippy saluted. "Will do!"

He hurried through the port bay door and was just in time, since the _Ebon Hawk_ and the _Seeker _were about to lift off. He raised his hands over his head and jumped up and down to catch the pilots' attention.

He was betting everything on his brother, and he was not surprised when the _Ebon Hawk _loading ramp lowered and Saunter came down, along with the pilot. He did not see the Jedi, but he covered his disappointment well. It was not hard to do what with all the bruises on his face.

Saunter was horrified at the way his twin looked. He gazed into his one open eye and tried to find out if Skippy was on the level. His twin could charm the birds out of the sky when he put his mind to it.

Skippy raised his hands when Atton drew his blaster. "I just need to talk to my brother," he pleaded, going to his knees, placing his hands on top of his head.

"Give me just a moment," Saunter asked Atton, who nodded.

"I'll have the quad gun trained on you, kid, so don't try anything stupid," the pilot promised and he went back into the ship.

"You look terrible." Saunter swallowed hard. Skippy _was_ his brother after all. Swagger had certainly not held back—his lesson had been meant to be a harsh one.

"I...feel terrible," Skippy confessed, forcing tears to flood from his one good eye. "Not from the beating. I...had that coming. I feel bad because of what I did to you and what I meant to do to him." He put on his most sincere face. "I've seen the light, Bro. I swear! Never again!" He stood when Saunter pulled him to his feet and the brothers hugged, then drew apart after the obligatory three slaps to each other's backs that proved they were manly men.

"You should come with us." Saunter wiped his eyes, unashamed of the tears.

Skippy shook his head. "I can't, Bro, but what I can do is pass on a warning. Don't go to Dantooine whatever you do. Sylar Exile is going there and is going to kill all the Jedi Masters."

Alarm blazed in Saunter's eyes. "K-kill them? I have to tell Cal! He'll—we'll stop him."

Skippy played his golden pazaak card. "He also took all his droids and told me he's going to destroy them, but don't tell Cal that, or he'll think he has to go rescue them." Skippy knew his twin loved droids, too, and was counting on Saunter not being able to keep his mouth shut about their fate.

Saunter's eyes widened and he clenched his fists.

"I'm too badly hurt to help. I'm heading for the medic." Skippy hung his head in shame. "I'm so sorry, Bro. I hope this makes up for everything I did."

Saunter thought back to all the sibling cruelty he'd put up with all his life and knew it wasn't enough, but it was a start. "Thanks, Skip."

The two brothers hugged once more. As soon as the ship took off, Skippy put a finger down his throat and gagged. "I canNOT believe he's my twin!" He grinned diabolically as he reported his success to Sylar aboard his ship _The Evil League of Evil._

Once back inside the ship, Saunter hurried to the cockpit and asked Atton to patch him through to _The Seeker_. Swagger's voice snapped at him over the comm.

"What is it, kid?"

"I...have a favor to ask you." Saunter told the bounty hunter what he had in mind.

There was a long, ominous silence and then Swagger told Atton to meet him on Dxun.

"I hope you know what you're doing, Saunter," Atton told him as he set course for the moon.

"We have to give Swagger what Mira took from the museum and the 4,000 credits from Queen Victoria—I mean, it was her secrets we stole after all." He noticed Atton banging his head on the console. "Oops. Wrong queen?"

_(Director cues music)_

Atton pulled an electric guitar from under the console and a spotlight came on.

"I've paid my dues.

Time after time.

Cal's as dumb as they come

Hey, that doesn't rhyme!

And bad mistakes, he's made a few.

I stay by his side; my comments are snide

His mind's lobotomized!

He is the champion of puns

What he does, he does all in fun.

Cal is the champion.

Cal is the champion.

No time to level up

He's dumb as a paper cup.

All the time!

_The Seeker_ rose smoothly and Swagger, in the pilot's seat had seen the touching tableau below, so it had come as no big surprise to him when Saunter begged him to meet him on Dxun. He emitted a low whistle and it elicited the expected response. His partner and Merc brother-in-arms Kit Flynn joined him in the cockpit.

"How's our guest?" Swagger asked as he banked his ship in a wide, sweeping turn.

"Locked up in my quarters." Kit Flynn was a broad-shouldered man with a half inch more in height than Swagger. His eyes were a twinkling, mischievous blue framed in a ruggedly handsome face that was crowned with brown hair that stuck out in all directions.

Where Swagger was lean and whip cord slender, Flynn was a grizzly—powerfully built and very good with a blaster and his fists. The two men were the perfect foil for each other and had been together so long, they could almost communicate non-verbally, although Flynn was one of the most verbal men in the galaxy. He had a ribald sense of humor and not a bad singing voice, which seems to be mandatory in this story.

"I told you to put him on ice in the brig." Swagger punched Flynn hard on the shoulder.

"First off, ow! Second, who died and made you my boss?" Flynn looked mutinously at his partner. "Third, when do I get to sing?"

"When the moment calls for it and I can get my hands on a good pair of ear plugs." Swagger smirked. "Take the comm, Flynnie. I'll go put my prisoner in the brig where he belongs."

"Ya know, Swag, Cal's a pretty decent guy... I mean, for a Jedi."

"Whatever." Swagger strode from the cockpit and escorted Cal from Flynn's quarters to the brig. He noticed how nervous the Jedi was, eyes flicking in the sockets, biting his lower lip, taking calming breaths. "What is your problem?" he asked finally, about to shut the door to the brig.

"Flynn said you wanted him to put me on ice. I hope you've changed your mind about that."

"Ya know, Cal, you taking everything literally's going to get you into trouble some day. Starting now if you do not shut up."

"Swagger, my team said they'd give you the 4,000 credits the queen gave us as a down payment for the bounty we owe you."

"I already knocked off 5,000 for the starport visa and so that would be 9,000." Swagger held up a small holorecorder that showed a holo of Cal and the words _Wanted Dead or Alive, With or Without his Head, the Exile Cal I'bur._ "The bounty on you is 500,000 credits, so, as you can see, you're way short."

Cal frowned. "I am? I mean, you _are_ taller than me, but only by a couple of inches..."

The next thing that could be heard was a shriek and then more muffled cries and then Swagger left the poor Jedi to his own devices, of which he had none, since Vasa had divested him of everything except his clothes and boots.

"What was that noise?" Flynn asked. "Did you do something to him?"

"He's in the brig where he can't make a nuisance out of himself. Land near that waterfall. Room for us and the _Hawk."_

Flynn gave Swagger a one-finger salute and adeptly landed the ship near the waterfall. As he and Swagger walked down the ramp, they could hear the roar of the water as it crashed against outcrops of boulders.

Atton and Saunter were waiting for them. Swagger motioned for the kid to make his case. To tell the truth, he was undecided what he would do with Cal. He could let him go, but that would not solve the Jedi's problem and could prove problematic for the bounty hunter since his rep might suffer. In a way, he liked Cal. He wasn't bad for a Jedi, but the idea that he liked him burned in his gut like acid and he could not help but remember Cal had once told him he used Force Bondo to cement people to him and get them to like him, although he had admitted he did not do this on purpose. It was just being near Cal, proximity-wise. That is the main reason why Swagger had put the Jedi in the brig. He did not want any unconscious bondo-ing going on with him or Flynn. Kit was a damn softie as it was.

"Swagger, if we can raise the entire bounty for Cal, will you let him go?" Saunter asked, boldly going where no man had gone before.

"Yep." Swagger smirked and reached for a death stick, lit it and began to smoke. He tapped an ash onto Saunter's boots. "_IF,_" he stressed, "you can do that, I'll let him go."

Saunter grinned as close as he could to a full out smirk, but not enough to tick off the volatile bounty hunter. He stuck out his hand to shake on the deal and Swagger dropped another ash into his palm. Saunter gritted his teeth against the small pain and wiped his hand on the side of his pant leg.

"We'll get those credits for ya, Swagger," Saunter vowed.

Swagger exchanged a look with Flynn that told the merc he'd believe that when he saw it. "Good luck on that," he said, blowing smoke in perfect rings. "He stays where he is for now."

"Could we see him?" Atton asked, not really thinking they would be allowed, but Swagger dipped his head in acceptance. "Flynnie, show 'em to the brig, will ya?"

Atton was prepared for anything but what he saw when the brig door rolled up. He had half expected to find Cal chained to the wall or restrained in some way. What he did not expect was to see Cal with his behind parked on a huge block of ice, shivering uncontrollably.

"Cal, what are you doing?" Atton queried. His friend was not tied to the ice, so why was he sitting on it?

Cal's teeth chattered so loudly they sounded like castanets, which Cal figured is what castaways used to catch fish in. Even this cold, the poor Jedi could not stop his mind tangents.

Flynn was doubled over laughing at Cal, who looked miserable and could barely answer.

"Swagger put me on ice and told me to stay."

"Of course. Why am I not surprised?" Atton tried to pull Cal free of the ice, but his warm behind had melted the ice and he was stuck in a hole, his feet sticking up in the air.

Flynn guffawed and slapped his thigh and wiped tears from his eyes. "That has got to be the funniest sight ever," he gasped. "A real ice hole!"

Saunter grabbed one arm, Atton the other and they were able to extract Cal from the ice. He gave them a worried glance as they pulled him to his feet.

"Swagger told me to stay."

"If Swagger told you to jump over a cliff, would you do it?" Atton rolled his eyes. "Never mind. I already know the answer."

They quickly told Cal what Skippy had told Saunter. It put Cal into an even worse mood. Not only the Jedi Masters were in jeopardy, but his beloved droids!

"You have to get me out of here!" He thought long and hard, until sweat popped out on his forehead and the ice he had been sitting on melted into a large puddle on the deck. "I know!" The light bulb went on over his head. "We ran into a glitch in Jaden's game where these little plastic guys ran around getting points and they had bricks they had to find and they could unlock them..." Cal ruminated on that for a moment. "Although, how you can unlock a brick is..."

Atton reached up to gently tap the light bulb over Cal's head and it dimmed then brightened perceptibly. Cal smiled his appreciation.

"Thanks, buddy. Anyway, there were bricks with X2 score; 4 score and seven years ago, our forefathers..." Cal shook his head. "Somebody had four fathers?"

"Cal!" Saunter and Atton shouted in unison.

He looked relieved and cast a glance at Flynn, who was still laughing at Cal's predicament, but whose reflexes were so quick, he batted it right back at the Jedi.

"Anyway, six score; eight score and ten score, so if you could..."

Atton grinned and placed a hand on Cal's shoulder. "Good idea," he enthused. "I'll talk to Chuck about including the mod in our game just for the quest."

"Chuck? Where's Chuck?" Saunter gazed about him with trepidation.

Atton walked up to the fourth wall screen and tapped on it. "Hey, Chuckie! You there?"

Big, startled brown eyes appeared when Chuck drew near to the screen. "I've been away on a mission, guys. What do you need?"

Atton told him and Chuck considered it for a moment. "That's quite a challenge. I can do it, but only within certain confines."

"Do we have to become little plastic guys?" Saunter had been filled in by Atton as Chuck considered the request.

"You could, but it sounds like time is of the essence, so..."

"The essence of what?" Saunter asked.

Atton slapped him on the back of the head. "Don't start," he warned.

"The rules, to a certain extent, have to be followed." Chuck was perusing a Guide to _Star Wars_ Legos as his nimble fingers ran over the keyboard. "You'll have to find the X 10 brick. I can unlock it for you and convert the silver, gold, blue and the rare purple studs into credits and you should have your bounty in a very short time."

"But, the little plastic guys collect the studs and pay for the brick and then go to Extras menu and collect more studs and that's when the amount goes up." Morgan was arguing with Chuck.

"I know, but I am inserting a program into the mod that whatever they sell will convert the credits ten times the amount. All they have to do is find the brick and I can tell them where it will be to make it even easier on them."

"Wow! You can do that!?"

"Yes. I am the Intersect after all." Chuck's tone remained calm, even though he had just given up his secret to motor-mouth Morgan. "I mean, the king of mods."

* * *

Swagger surprised everyone by releasing Cal to go with them.

When questioned, Cal quirked an eyebrow and shrugged. "Who knew I had a recog-nuisance? He released me on it. Where are we going?"

Atton filled him in on what Chuck had done for them. "We know exactly where it is," the pilot confirmed, coming to a grinding halt to gaze up at a large, square plastic red brick floating in the air above the head of a stranded Mandalorian who was standing on top of what appeared to be a high hill.

Cal had read the Guide and knew it was a weapons cache. He also knew the Mandalorian's name because it hovered in the air inside a box. HUMUS? No, that wasn't right.

Saunter looked up to see what Cal was staring at so intently. "What's up, Cal?"

"I think I need to level up and get Force Contacts." Cal blinked his eyes several times, but he was still not sure about the name. "Kudzu?"

Saunter shook his head. "You don't want contacts. I wear colored lenses so I can have brown eyes like Swagger and they aren't the greatest. A Jedi needs something like Force Vision, so you can see without help."

Cal cocked his head and peered at his young protégé. "Do you have to wear them to see or just for others to see you as Swagger?"

Saunter thought about it for a moment. "I wear them to look like him," he admitted. "So does Skippy. We have blue eyes if it weren't for the 'tacts."

"Well, use them to see and tell me what his name is." Cal had not been allowed to take any weapons or his RPG rucksack that had the Guide in it.

"Kumus."

Cal called up to the Mandalorian who seemed terribly embarrassed to be left standing in the same place for three days. "Hey up there! We'll give you a hand, since I'm hearing some bomas right around the corner, if you'll do us a favor and bring down the brick floating right over your head."

"What brick?"

"It's right next to your name," Cal said helpfully.

Kumus looked up and was startled to see the large object, but he nodded his acceptance of the deal. Atton used his lightsaber while Cal used the Force and the bomas were dispatched with ease—as were the malraas, who looked like felines on steroids. They returned and could not find Kumus until they reached just the right spot and found his name again and then, there he was! Kumus jumped up several times and admitted he could not attain the brick.

Atton walked around the tall hill, looking for a way up and could not find one. The game graphics did not allow any exploration on the far side of the hill. Cal had an idea to use the permacrete detonator and blow the brick off the hill, but Atton vetoed that. He had a mental picture of plastic pieces raining down, so they asked Kumus to come down and form the base of a pyramid with Cal at the top. Cal Force jumped and slammed into the side of the hill and collapsed the pyramid in the process.

"What happened?" Atton asked, rubbing a bump on his head. Just his luck to bang into a man encased in metal.

"Force jump doesn't go up very far, just forward," Cal replied. He waved his hand and everybody who had been battered in the fall was healed.

"Well, that's immensely unhelpful," Atton commented sourly.

There was a rumbling noise none of them could identify except Kumus. "Sounds like the Make-it."

"What's a Make-it?" Cal asked.

Kumus told him the vehicle was called the Make-it. "Because if you want to turn left, you can't make it—if ya want to turn right, you can't make it. If you want it to steer where you want to go, you can't make it. If you want it to turn around you _really _can't make it."

Suddenly a vehicle with a sharp snout, made of grey metal and with six (were those tires?!) wheels, came up the path and hissed to a stop. Cal watched the vehicle with fascination as it undulated, rocking up and down until he almost got sea-sick. It was almost as if it was breathing.

Cal approached it warily. It looked dangerous to him. He was terribly shocked when it disgorged three sentients. Two he recognized as the woman called Commander Shepard and the male Kaidan Alenko that he had met in the elevator when their games merged. The other was an alien, a species he did not know and who introduced himself as Garrus.

Cal smiled and lifted her hand and kissed it. He knew he was flirting and he knew what Mira would do to him if she caught him flirting, but Cal loved women and droids in that order.

"So good to see you again." His eyes sparkled as he met hers.

Shepard was flustered by the attention and Alenko looked downright hostile. Garrus appeared somewhat amused.

Commander Shepard reclaimed her hand. "What's going on here?" she asked in her abrupt fashion.

"We need your help," Cal told her. He pointed to the brick. "I need to get up there and bring that down. Could you bring your Make-it over close to the cliff so I can reach the top?"

"Alenko, secure a line," she told the LT.

Alenko, a handsome man with black hair and dark eyes fired a gas-propelled grappling hook from his rifle. He tugged on the rope then handed it to Cal. "Okay, civilian, she's all yours," he said in that voice that sounded like Carth Onasi.

Cal blinked. "She?" He gazed at Shepard. "Her she?"

"NO!" Alenko was outraged. "I mean the rope so you can climb up the hill. What are you, some kind of an idiot?"

Cal nodded. "I can be. Sorry about the misunderstanding." He grabbed the rope and pulled himself up to the top of the cliff. He peered over the tree tops and hollared down, "I can see your camp from here, Kumus."

From this height he could also see the other side and saw the steppes that had been cut into the side of the cliff. So, that was how Kumus got up here! He went to the very far edge of the cliff and used Master jump, propelling himself through the air, up, up, grab the brick and over. Miscalculation! Jumped too far. He landed in a sprawled heap, the breath completely knocked out of him.

"Cal?" Atton and Saunter raced to his side. "He's not breathing!'

Commander Shepard pushed them aside, rolled Cal onto his back, cleared his airway and began to give him mouth to mouth resuscitation. After a few tense moments, Cal's arms came up and enveloped her, pulling her down on top of him while his lips sought hers.

"Hey!" Alenko started forward and Atton drew his lightsaber and switched it on, barring his way.

There was a tussling match in the grass from the couple and then Shepard was released and both rose. Shepard would not meet Alenko's fiery gaze nor would she respond to Garrus's query about the strange weapon Atton possessed and could he document it.

"S-sorry," Cal apologized for the fifth time. "I just--- well, when a beautiful woman kisses me like that, I respond."

"She _wasn't _kissing you!" Alenko said furiously.

Saunter and Atton exchanged meaningful glances. It was time to change the subject. "So, ah," Atton drawled. "Tell us about the Make-it."

"It's Mako," Shepard corrected, back to her unflustered state. "Do you need a ride? We're headed to the base. Our radar indicates it isn't too far from here."

"Hostiles are between us and the base, Commander." Garrus announced.

"Of course they are," she returned smoothly. "What else did you expect? Pile in, folks. There's room for all of you and that over-sized brick."

Alenko sourly handed them barf bags. "You'll be needing these." He whispered behind his hand. "With her driving..."

"I heard that! It is _not _my driving! This thing is impossible for anyone to drive!"

Atton groaned. She might as well have thrown down a gauntlet, which they had enough of those, thank you very much. "Now you've done it."

Sure enough, Cal asked if he could drive it. Shepard agreed he could take the wheel, but only if he gave it back after he was done. Cal tapped the radar screen as he started the Mako moving forward.

"What are those red dots? And what is that large yellow X?"

" The yellow X is the Mako. The red dots are hostiles. Happens every time we get in this thing." Alenko groused. He peered at the screen. "From the size of them, looks like armatures."

"Do they have legatures too?" Cal asked, wondering why everyone groaned in unison. Shepard did not reply.

Cal was having a very tough time steering the crazy vehicle. It seemed to have a will of its own and headed for every cliff and tree it could find, After chugging back up another hill they had just plunged over back onto the road, Cal relinquished the Mako back to Shepard.

"This thing is terrible!" He gasped as he used his barf bag so he would not hyperventilate and Shepard would not have to not-kiss him again.

"It is," Shepard agreed. "Almost every damn planet we go to we end up in this thing from hell."

"Who designed it?"

"Somebody with a twisted sense of humor. The six tires should make it more stable, but they don't."

"Those red dots are getting closer."

"Position the Mako sideways and fire from a distance," Garrus offered from his seat.

The path was narrow. There was no cover. The Mako rocked and swiveled and jerked, slipping, sliding, jostling, going every direction but the one she wanted it, which was perpendicular to the enemy. As Shepard desperately fought it, trying to get it into position, large white pulse beams were coming their way.

"Just do what I want you to do!" Shepard fumed at the vehicle.

"Uh, large white thingies headed for our yellow X thingie," Saunter said, gulping, taking a visual out the front view screen.

"Brace yourselves," Alenko warned as the vehicle suddenly jumped straight up and came down with bone-breaking force.

"Shouldn't you pause and save your game in case you get killed?" Cal asked, trying to stay calm.

Shepard treated him to a glance that told him she thought he was insane. "We can't do that in the middle of a fight!"

"Well, um, do you mind if I do, because we haven't saved in a while and I don't want to go back to—" He stopped, doing calculations in his head and visibly went pale. "Frack! Atton, we'll end up back on Peragus!"

He leaped out of the vehicle, went to the fourth wall screen and begged Chuck or Morgan, whichever was playing to quickly save the game. He hopped back in the vehicle, wiping sweat from his forehead. "Whew! That was close. Morgan was breaking the bathroom."

"That's taking a bathroom break. 'fresher in your Basic," Garrus explained.

"You know, when I was outside this thing I didn't see the red dots," Cal told Shepard.

"We don't either. We figure the radar in the Mako's stronger than ours."

"Makes sense," Cal admitted.

"Uh, another white thingie's coming," Saunter warned.

Kumus was throwing up into his barf bag. Atton gritted his teeth when the vehicle backed up and rolled halfway up an incline as the white beam zoomed by.

"Have you even gotten off a shot yet?" Cal asked Shepard as she hit the jets and the Mako jumped several feet into the air to avoid another of the white pulse beams. "Yipes!"

Shepard sighted and fired the cannon on top of the vehicle. Cal stole a look through the sight. "Hey, now they're red triangles."

"That's because we are close enough to target them." She struck one and the red blip disappeared. "One down. One to go. Dammit!"

Cal and the others emitted very unmanly screeches when the Mako plunged over the side of the cliff and landed in a pool far below. The only thing that saved them was Shepard used the jets to cushion their fall. The Mako would not move out of the deep water and the two teams had to climb out.

Shepard sat on the banks and stared at the mired vehicle. "I hate that thing. All terrain vehicle, my ass!"

They all had to rush to cover when one of the armatures fired down at them. Atton threw his lightsaber and sheared the armature in half.

He and Cal and Saunter all high-fived. "Welcome to _our_ game, armatures!" Atton crowed as he caught his returning lightsaber and put it away.

"Wow, some trick!" Alenko acknowledged. "We're stuck here."

"Don't you have something called lift?" Cal asked, knowing he had it and wondering if the six million dollar biotic man did, too.

"I can't lift something that big!" Alenko complained. "Without the Mako we're dead."

"Seems to me, _with _the Mako, you're dead," Cal commented. He raised his hands and closed his eyes. "Use your lift, Alenko. Feel the lift surround you, bind you; feel it in the rocks, in the water and in the Mako."

Shepard and Garrus gaped as the Mako was lifted out of the water and deposited on the bank of the pool. Cal opened his eyes and smiled as Alenko whooped in excitement.

"I—I did it!" he exulted.

"_With a little help from the Force_," Cal thought. He patted the biotic man on the shoulder. "The Lift is strong in you. You've taken your first step into a larger world."

Atton sniggered. "Borrowing from the canon again, huh, Cal?"

Cal grinned. "Whatever works."

Saunter asked if he could have a turn driving the Mako once they got it back on the road. Shepard was dubious, but really, the damn thing would do whatever it wanted regardless of who was driving. She gave the kid permission.

They headed north and rounded the curve and spotted the Mandalorian ruins. That was when everything went south, including the Mako.

"Can I fire the cannon?" Saunter touched the red button and there was a loud BOOM!

"There goes the newly repaired sensor disk," Atton said.

The vehicle neared the battle circle just as Saunter pushed another button and there was a sharp _rat-a-tat-tat_ sound. Rounds stitched the ground and Mandalorians flung themselves in all directions to keep from being hit.

Atton slapped the kid's hands. "Don't touch anymore buttons."

Cal thanked Shepard for the ride, but he was never so glad in his life as he was when he set his feet back on the solid ground. No red dots or triangles. Just a bunch of peeved Mandalorians, which he put into stasis.

Atton reacted to the rough ride. "My teeth were about to break from being smashed together so hard and my neck is out and my back is out in six places. The road wasn't that rough, so why was the ride?" He waved a hand to use Force healing and sighed in relief. "Let's see medi-gel do that," he said snarkily.

Cal led the way to Kex and they gave him the brick. Luckily, Chuck had already converted it to a credits brick X10 so when they sold the items they had in their rucksacks, almost all the gauntlets and gloves and robes and armor that robbed them of using their Force powers so who needed it anyway?-- the amount came to 503,000 credits.

Cal talked to Chuck about returning Commander Shepard to her game. It seemed that Morgan had thought it might be fun to combine the two games, but she had to save her galaxy and he had to save his. She had Alenko and he had Mira. He sighed. He was not being fair to Mira. His heart still belonged to Bastila. But Mira didn't want his heart, just his (T rating, hello!) strapping male physique.

He used Force enhanced speed to get them back to _The Seeker._ Swagger was smoking a death stick, leaning nonchalantly against the hull. His brows rose when Cal handed him the heavy rucksack. "The entire bounty and some extra," Cal declared. "I do have a favor to ask you."

Flynn came down the ramp just in time to hear this. "Should be interesting."

"Take Saunter with you. Show him how to be himself not a clone of you. He has a lot of potential."

Swagger choked on some smoke and Flynn slapped him on the back. "Flynnie and I don't take on sixteen year old wannabes, Cal. You're free to go."

He turned to go and Cal put a hand on his arm. "Saunter's a good kid, Swagger. He idolizes you."

Swagger gazed pointedly at Cal's hand on his arm. "He idolizes the idea of me. I'd end up killing him, trust me." He smirked when he saw Saunter had not looked at him once, but kept his gaze on Cal. "Besides, I think the kid's found himself a new mentor." He shook off the Jedi's loosened grip.

"Yep, I'm seeing the same thing," Flynn confirmed. He shook hands with the Jedi. "Nice meeting ya and thanks for making us rich."

"Fire up the engines, Flynnie," Swagger ordered. He paused on his way into the ship and looked over his shoulder at Cal. "I ever find out you used Force Bondo on me, I'll find you and I will kill you. Understand?"

"I swear I didn't, Swagger." Cal said, but Swagger's attention was on Flynn who was grousing about how he didn't get to sing, not even one note. Swagger gave him a hard push back up the ramp and disappeared inside his ship.

Cal and the others watched as _The Seeker_ soon became just a dot in the sky then was eclipsed by the storm clouds that were scudding across the threatening horizon.

"Well, how was it meeting your idol?" Cal asked Saunter.

"Unexpected. I mean, he's really cool and all, but I can see I was wrong to want to be like him, because nobody could and we really have nothing in common." Saunter removed the dark contacts, revealing startling blue eyes. He sighed in relief. "I think I'll go wash this hair color out and get into some regular clothes. This just isn't me."

Cal smiled fondly. "You gotta be you."

_(Cue music as Saunter comes out of the ship.)_

_I'll go it alone, if it must be_

_I'd rather be me, than Swagger V_

_I don't walk the walk_

_I can't talk the talk._

_Killing does not come naturally!_

_I gotta be me!_

Cal whistled and clapped enthusiastically. Atton tugged at his sleeve and pointed. The Mandalorians had followed them and were advancing in a very menacing manner. "Let's get the hell outta Dodge!" Atton yelled as he dashed to the cockpit.

Cal joined him as the _Hawk_ swiftly ascended. "Dodge? I thought we were on Dxun."

Atton rolled his eyes and concentrated on flying. "Setting a course for Dantooine, unless I can talk you out of this. It's suicide, Cal. That creepy Sylar Exile will be there. It's a trap. Skippy told Saunter it's a trap. We'll be flying to our doom."

Kreia tried to smile as she Force Eavesdropped. She was in the port dormitory as usual. Everything was back to her machinations. Cal was finally doing what she wanted.

She sounded like the wicked witch of the West and East as she cackled her delight. "I'll get you my handsome Jedi, you and your little droids, too!"

What she did not know was if Cal had a house available he would have dropped it on her in a pico second.

_A/N And another chapter bites the dust. Not many more to go. With Cal, ya never know what parts will be cut of the game. Swagger was doing his taking over thing, so he graciously decided to bow out since this IS Cal's story. Thanks to all of you who read and review and those who just read, although more thanks go to those who review, tee hee! Special thanks to Javan & AC, my rocks! I hope I encourage them as much as they do me. I don't own Star Wars or any of the original lyrics to the songs or references to other sources, like TV shows and movies._

18


	11. Chapter 11

A/N You may find this funny so this is the warning from the author not to drink or eat because I am not responsible for anything going down the wrong way or snorting liquid through your noses. Oh, and here's that pesky **I don't own anything **jive talking.

Chapter 11:

**TRAP!!!!!!**

The _Ebon Hawk _came out of hyperspace and Cal looked down at the brown, gold and green marble that was Dantooine. His addled mind wondered briefly if it was one of the marbles he'd lost, but, no, as they drew closer to the planet, he saw it was too large and would make his head explode. He and Atton had been arguing all the way there and the Jedi was tired. Hell, he was tired of fighting. Period. Whoever Period was... Couldn't the game think of something else for him to do other than fighting? Oh, sure there were the "quests", but they always ended in fighting. Even though he was a Jedi Guardian and his class loved fighting, Cal thought of himself more of a lover than a fighter.

Mira had laid down the law to the other females, staking her claim that they were now exclusive. Exclusive? What did that even mean? Cal shook his head. Ever since he'd met Commander Shepard, he had not been able to get Bastila off his mind. Considering how little room there was in that particular space, he had moved her back into his heart—a much bigger muscle, but his chest ached and he had begun to sigh uncontrollably.

"He'll be waiting for you," Atton said again, running his hands through his shock of black hair. Had he seen grey at the temples last time he looked in a mirror? Sometimes Atton wondered why he did not cut Cal loose and take the first transport to Nar Shaddaa.

Especially in trying times like these when the Jedi would not listen to reason. Inwardly, Atton sighed, knowing if he asked Cal to listen to reason, Cal would ask who Reason was...

There was a glitch in the new mod and Cal was unable to level up anymore, so his intelligence still was not on par to his other skills and powers. Atton sighed again, this time out loud. It was tough being the best friend and pilot of a half-brain-dead Jedi.

"Atton, I know how you feel," Cal said, laying a hand on the pilot's tense shoulder. "But it's the right thing to do. The droids are innocent pawns and I can't, in good conscience, let the masters be killed."

"You _do_ know who kills them, right?" Atton turned his chair so he could look Cal directly in the eye, choosing the right eye this time. He tried to give them equal time. "Kreia, the resident hag."

"I know. She _is_ the Resident Evil, but Sylar Exile will kill them if I don't show."

"He'll kill _you_, don't you get that?!"

Cal nodded. "I've been thinking." He ignored Atton's groan. "I think I'm to blame for Sylar Exile even existing. If I had stuck to the rules of our game and not cheated..." He swept a hand through his long hair. "It's dark side to cheat, Atton. Maybe I deserve this. Maybe things can go back to normal for the rest of you."

"Oh, puh-leeze!" Atton stood abruptly. "Cue the frackin' music." He got on the ship's intercom. "Visas, HM, Mira, I'm going to need some back-up. Meet me in the main hold." He grabbed Cal's arm and pulled him into the main hold and made him sit in one of the passenger seats that lined the wall. He grabbed a microphone and music wafted in from some unknown source.

"_I played the fool and I went off the track_

_And when I think of the past when I was Captain Jaq_

_You know I had to be crazy_

_You know I had to be._

_I'm just a man in the middle_

_Of a complicated plan; only you to show me the light_

_I'm just a creature of habit in a complicated world_

_Nowhere to run to; nowhere to hide._

_**Girls**_

_Good morning Exile Jedi_

_You brighten up our day_

_Come lead us to the Enclave_

_We see you every morning_

_And follow after you_

_This bond we share is because we care_

_**Atton & Girls**_

_Lonely days; lonely nights_

_Where would we be without our Jedi?_

Ca; clapped and stood to give them a standing O. He smiled at them. "I love that group! Can I sing now?"

Atton handed him the mike and told him to pitch his voice higher and make it quaver. Cal nodded.

"_I think of my younger days when living here was everything a Jedi could want to do_

_I could never see tomorrow, but the masters never told me about the sorrow_

_A-a-a-a-a-a-nnnd, how can I stay in the light?_

_How do I keep the dark side from bringing me down?_

_How can I stop you all from falling?_

_It makes my head spin 'round._

_A-a-a-a-a-annd, how can you mend this broken mind?_

_How can a Exile ever win?_

_Please help me stay in the light_

_And not let the dark side in."_

Atton clapped. "Good quavering, Cal. You were the bees' knees."

"Bees knees? What's a bee and how do you know it has knees?"

"It's a saying, Cal. Feel better?" Atton and the girls gave the Jedi a group hug—well, the girls hugged him and Atton patted him three times on the back and wished the girls would hug each other and slip in a little (T-rating!) Frack! What???

"Yes, it will be a lot easier to face my death." Cal smiled. "However, Kreia and I are going alone. If I have to put you in stasis I will to keep you safe."

Atton grinned. "How can you go alone when you're going together?" He figured the Jedi would think on that for hours.

Cal shook a finger at his friend. "You know what I mean."

"I know, but I was hoping you wouldn't and it would keep you from going on this idiot's journey."

"Kreia, I know you are Force Eavesdropping," Cal called out. "It's time to go to the Enclave so you can betray me and kill the masters."

Kreia appeared, startling everyone. Especially Mical who never had gotten used to the fact Cal was male not female and never had caught on Kreia was even on board because she liked to play hide-and-seek and he had never found her, although he actively sought her when she mockingly called "Jedi" behind his back.

"I have a favor," he said. "Since I just cannot bring myself to follow a male Exile and cannot claim you to be the master I waited for all these years, I ask that you let me stay here. I am not even in this story except as fodder and I..."

"Hooray!" Atton did a River Dance and escorted the Disciple from the ship. When he returned to the main hold, he met Cal's stern gaze, with a guileless look. "What? According to the Guide, when the Exile is male, Blondie stays on Dantooine."

"If Blondie stays there," Saunter mused. "Where does Dagwood stay?"

The young ex-bounty hunter now wore a T-shirt that said, _Don't wannabe SV_. He sniffed the air and said, "I smell trouble."

Cal made a face. He always seemed to be doing that lately—ever since he'd seen the dynamic mod faces from _Mass Effect_, especially the comely features of Commander Shephard_, mental sigh inserted here._ Then he discarded the face—he still needed to work on the cheekbones― and addressed the problem. "Trouble's here? Man, when is that guy ever going to bathe?"

Atton snickered and Saunter looked puzzled. Atton patted Cal's shoulder. _Okay, does he only have one? Authors never designate and there is a right and left shoulder, just like the eye thingie. _

Atton rolled his eyes and smacked his forehead. Now the frackin' writer was going to drive him up a wall and his only hope was that she would not use the Mako to achieve it. He groaned---now _he _was doing it!

"Doing what?" Cal had picked up on Atton's distress through their bond.

"Being paranoid," Atton muttered.

"Pair of noid? Can you get just one? And, if it's a pair, wouldn't it be noids?"

"What?"

"A noid—since it's just you, Atton, and a single would be a noid."

"Cal, I'm always annoyed when it comes to being around you, Master Literal."

Cal smiled. The insult went over his head and he did not even notice. Saunter did and frowned at Atton then the kid pantomimed something and Atton shrugged elaborately, telling him he had no clue what he meant.

So Saunter mimed what he meant to do, pretending he was in an invisible box, making all the gestures again. Atton pulled out his blaster and was about to pull the trigger, when Cal used the Force to pull the weapon out of his hand.

Cal shook a finger at Atton. "Don't you know a mime is a terrible thing to waste?"

Atton threw his hands up and ran screaming from the ship. "I can't take any more!"

Cal and Saunter exchanged startled looks. "Let me go with you," Saunter begged Cal. "I have a bad feeling about this."

"I'll be fine," Cal assured him. He knew, according to the Guide, Kreia would not kill him and he might be able to use Force Bondo and prevent the other masters from taking his powers and gang up on her and take her prisoner.

One thing Saunter had learned in trying to emulate Swagger Vasa, was how to stealth and track, so he kept a safe distance from the two Jedi, but he was there just in case. Atton had staged his mental breakdown and was already on his way to scope out the Enclave.

Cal stopped as they reached a slight hill, gazing into the sky where he saw a large cloud of smoke billowing in the blue.

"Let's check it out. Something might be on fire." He urged Kreia to join him and she did, complaining all the way. It turned out not to be anything bad. Cal halted and pointed to a large group of what appeared to be Jedi, but they all had Prince Valiant haircuts and were smoking ciggaras.

"It's the Dutch Masters," he said in delight. "I met some of them on Coruscant." He plunged into their midst, calling some by name. "Master Li." He bowed to the master, who looked guilty like he'd been caught smoking in the boy's room for a moment, and then he smiled and waved. "Master Peace," Cal continued down the line, shaking hands with some, knocking knuckles with others, hugging the women, of course. "Master Arch; Master Tina. So good to see you! Did you know Masters Vrook, Kaarde, and Zez-Kai-El are in the Enclave?"

None of them knew or seemed to care. "We're here for the Masters Tournament, nothing else."

Master Tina beckoned Cal over and presented her cheek for a kiss. She was a beautiful statuesque woman who wore her robes short, showing off her long shapely legs. She and Cal had had a fling a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.

"How ya doing, Master Tina?" He gave her his most charming smile.

She gyrated her body and her hair swished in the air as she swung her head wildly. "Left a good job in the city. Worked for the Council night and day. Went up to the top floor on Coruscant. But they never listen to a word I say."

Cal kissed her other cheek. "I hear that."

"They've been disbanded," Master Arch told Cal.

"They formed a band?" Cal looked enlightened and we all know that is not possible. "So that's what happened to them!"

"No, dear, Cal, "Master Tina said. "The Sith assassins..."

"That's a cool name for a band!"

She shook her head gently. "No, Cal, they were either captured and turned or killed."

"The Sith assassins?"

Kreia groaned, calling attention to herself and Master Arch and Master Tina looked startled then dismayed. "Cal," Master Tina grabbed his sleeve and pulled him away from the group. Master Arch came with them, keeping a worried eye on Kreia.

"Do you know she's a Sith Lord?"

"No, but if you hum a few bars I might be able to fake it."

"What is wrong with you, Cal?" Master Arch asked. "You seem a few bricks short; missing a few cards from the ole pazaak deck; missing some of your marbles..."

Cal took out his pazaak deck and quickly went through them. "Nope, they're all here. I don't have any bricks, plus I don't even know what a brick is. Is it like a noid? As to the marbles, they're still there." He shook his head and they could hear them rattle. "See?"

"He's doomed!" Master Tina burst into tears. Master Arch's eyes welled up and a big tear tracked down his cheek.

Cal sniffed in sympathy. "Ah, don't cry for me Arch and Tina." He smiled bravely. 'I have a plan."

"Like mine?" Two more masters had come over.

Cal looked dolefully at them. "Not like yours, Master Plann." He was delighted when he realized who was with him. "Oh, sir, it's such an honor. You probably don't remember me, but I remember you. Me and the other Padawans used to watch you spar when I visited Coruscant."

_(Cue music—did you really think a song wasn't coming?)_

_I knew a Jedi and he sparred with me_

_A long time ago_

_He taught me how to fight and how to move_

_So many years ago_

_He took a chance_

_Oh, how he could dance_

_And make his lightsaber spin._

_Master Bojangles_

_Master Bojangles_

_Master Bojangles, dance!_

Master Bojangles clapped and encouraged the others. Cal bowed to the men and blew kisses to the women. It was at this time that Kreia barged over, grabbed him by the elbow and dragged him away.

Saunter had watched from a distance. He continued following Cal and Kreia, always on the look out for Sylar Exile and his evil twin Skippy. There was no sign of them, which worried him, because it meant Cal was walking into a trap.

* * *

Sylar Exile rubbed his hands together in anticipation. He had his brain-splitting open power all ready for Cal. His evil henchman Skippy was concealed, ready to hit Cal and the hag who was with him, with a stun blast.

All his plans were coming together. He would strip Cal of his powers, rather than kill him. Without his powers, the Jedi would be a dolt. The woman, however, was dangerous and she would have to be dealt with.

Sylar practiced his Evil League of Evil laugh as he played the game, maneuvering Sylar Exile into position. He had a Ph.D. in horribleness and had won Villain of the Year, so that had to count for something. And he had been given the role of Spock on Star Trek, so he was worth his weight in tribbles at the box office.

Unlike Chuck, whose show had barely been renewed. He cracked his knuckles and grinned. He did so enjoy manipulating the K2 game people to do his bidding.

* * *

Cal stopped to smell the flowers and anything else he could do to slow down the march to his doom and, of course it ticked off Kreia, which was a bonus.

Cal suddenly felt inspired to twirl, arms extended, long hair flying as he came up on another hill covered with the fragrant grasses of the plains. He cupped a hand to one ear. "Do you hear it, Hag—uh, Kreia? The music? The hills are alive with the sound of music!"

"Ah- ah ah ah-hhhh!" A chorus came from somewhere and Cal stopped his twirling ( he was getting dizzy anyway) "Was that the hills?"

"From the smell, it's either Trouble or the salvagers." She was very cross. "Stop dancing and singing every chance you get."

Cal smiled serenely. "You can't take that away from me."

"Yes, I can!"

"No, you can't."

"Yes I can! Yes I can! Yes, I CAN!"

Cal laughed uproariously. "Nice voice, Kreia."

She turned on him—if her features were not so wrinkled and her eyes atrophied, she would have looked really peeved.

"So, you never did tell me what happened to your eyes," he said. "You told me you received a trophy for them. Where is it? Can I see it?"

"A-trophied, you simpleton!"

"Trophy, right."

"You are impossible!"

Cal did his impression of Swagger Vasa's smirk. "I really gotcha that time."

Kreia gave him a Force shove and started down the last hill, halting her charge to stare at the Enclave renovation. The pock marks from the bombardment had been smoothed over with permacrete and the foundations restored so that the main building was repaired. Kreia felt as if a great weight descended on her stooped shoulders as she and Cal entered the Enclave.

Cal was beset by his own memories―memories of Luce Revan, always drawing a crowd, filling young Padawan and Knight's minds with longing to join the glorious quest. Luce... his friend, his mentor, his leader, his betrayer.

_Luce Canon Revan smiled at the young Cal, winking as he addressed the throng of Jedi before him. Assemblage outside the Enclave was not encouraged by the masters, but Luce never paid much attention to the rules._

_Luce was the American Idol of Jedi with his shoulder length black hair and crystal blue eyes. He had more than looks; he had charisma and the Force bristled in him to the point that he could draw all eyes and attention to himself._

_His twin sister Jaden stood by Cal and made funny faces at her brother who was trying not to crack up._

"_I want to enlist to fight the Mandalorians," Cal told her._

"_Not me. I already told him I want to be a smuggler—you know, have my own ship, be rich and infamous some day."_

"_But how can you not follow him?" Cal asked. "Look at him,. Listen to him. Luce told me the other day, it's the message that is important and he's right, the Jedi Council masters are dragging their heels."_

"_Then you'll need to go see Alek," she told him. "He has the recruiting roster." Her blue eyes met his and she leaned into him. She could be such a flirt! "If you take this step, Cal, the Jedi Masters will see it as treason to their Jedi Code."_

_He hung his head. "I know, but it's the right thing to do."_

_Luce or Revan as most called him, seemed to have heard what Cal said because he sent a very special smile to the man who would become his general._

"_This is our quest. To follow the Star Maps. No matter how hopeless; no matter how far."_

_Jaden frowned. "I think he's deviating from his usual message."_

"_And to march into Mandalorian hell for a heavenly cause and I know if we are true to this glorious quest..."_

"_Ah, he's back on track." Jaden cast a worried look up at her brother. "Ever since he and Alek went off to that place he won't tell me where, he's been different."_

_Cal cocked his head, considering. "A little colder, but he's had to deal with a lot of political BS and the masters stone-walling doesn't help."_

_Jaden shook her head and then pushed her long raven locks out of her face. "It's more than that. It's like he's darker. At least he's not wearing the mask today. That's a good sign."_

"_What's a good sign?" Luce had jumped off his soap box and draped one arm about his sister, the other about Cal as he walked off with them. "You two talked all during my speech."_

_Jaden wrinkled her nose. "Like I haven't heard it a dozen times, but what was that about Star Maps? That was new."_

"_I threw that in to see if you were paying attention." Luce chuckled, but could not hide the uneasiness in his eyes. "I see you were." He whirled on them and his eyes flashed blue fire. "My message...did you hear? Did you listen?" He poked Cal in the chest. "Did you decide?"_

_Cal nodded vigorously. "Yes, I'll go see Alek. Where is he?"_

"_He's going by the name Malak now and it's better that you refer to me as Revan. Just like I'll be calling you General."_

"_You're kidding!" Cal gulped as Revan remained ultra serious. "You're not kidding?"_

"_We can use your bonding skill to draw others to our cause. Many more will rally with you leading the way."_

_Cal gave it some thought. "I am honored, buddy."_

_Revan's vivid smile flashed and he drew Cal in for a quick 3-pat on the back hug then stepped back. "We will be deploying in two standard days."_

"_Two days?! That doesn't give me much time." Cal blinked in confusion. Had Revan just entered his mind? "I'll see what I can do."_

"_That's all I ever ask." Revan caught his sister's hand and pulled her away._

_Cal turned to go back inside the Enclave and crashed into a young female, sending her toppling. He quickly reached out with the Force to catch her before she impacted the hard permacrete. _

"_Do you mind?" she said, blushing to the roots of her pigtails._

"_Sorry. Have we met?" He gazed into beautiful grey eyes and felt his heart lurch in his chest._

_She tossed her head. "No, we have not. I just arrived here. I saw you listening to Revan, like all the others and he's turned you from the Jedi Order, hasn't he?"_

"_Can you tell me your name?" He smiled at her cheekiness._

"_Bastila Shan, and you are?"_

_He started to tell her when the hall monitor, Master Vrook this week, rapped his knuckles sharply with the hilt of his lightsaber. "No fraternization!"_

_Mortified, Bastila dashed away and Cal rubbed his bruised knuckles._

"Cal!" Kreia snapped her fingers in front of his eyes. "You need to wake up. The masters are waiting."

Cal sighed, coming out of his flashback reluctantly. It had been so good to see Bastila, even if it was through a fluff moment from his past. They had met before!

"Okay, you wait here until it's time for you to betray me," he told her just a little bit angrily. After all, she was going to betray him and kill the masters.

It was up to him to talk the masters out of stripping him of his powers. What he never would have suspected though, was to find them already dead when he stepped into the grassy circle that had never existed in the first game. They had taken such liberties in the second game---like where did the port and the stores go and the whole top layer and where had all these underground rooms come from? And why were there no refreshers? Anywhere? Did they have Force Fumigate?

"Uh-oh, this is not good," he said right as Skippy's stun shot took him down.

Now where, you may well ask was Atton, since he had left early to prevent this from happening? Atton had unstealthed and been taken down by another stun shot. Saunter was the only one to see the horrible things that happened and it so traumatized him that he might never be the same.

Written across his eyelids, were the scenes of Sylar Exile holding up his finger and slicing open Cal's head and taking all of his powers. He had already stolen the masters' powers before he killed them.

The only one that made it out of their unhurt and alive was, you guessed it, Kreia. She sensed what was going on and high-tailed it out of there. She quickly made up a lie that she had killed Cal to the Handmaiden who had a terrible crush on the Exile and Kreia asked to be taken to Atris for judgment. So it was back to the frozen tundra of Telos Ice Cap for her.

Meanwhile, back at the Enclave...

Atton woke up with a fierce headache and a voice calling his name. He looked up at Saunter through bleary eyes. "Could you turn down the volume there, kid?" As Saunter helped him to his feet, he saw Cal lying in the grass, his robes flapping. He dismissed the sight of the dead masters and rushed to his friend.

He sent Force healing and the wound in Cal's head sealed . Big brown eyes looked up at him and blinked, a very puzzled look on his handsome features.

"Hi. Who are you?"

Well, if he'd had his head sliced open not once but twice, he might be a little confused, too, Atton thought so he cut his friend some slack. "I'm Atton."

"Hi, Atton."

"I'm Saunter." Saunter squatted in the grass and helped support the weakened Jedi.

"Hi, Saunter." The puzzled look increased. "Uh, who am I?"

"Uh-oh." Saunter was uneasy. "You're Cal the Jedi."

"What's a Jedi?"

Atton and Saunter exchanged looks of startled realization. "Cal, stop kidding around," Atton told him, hoping he really was joking.

Cal smiled. "No, really, what's a Jedi? Where am I? Who are those guys? Are they dead? Where have all the flowers gone? Do you know the way to San Jose? Does anybody really know what time it is? Does your chewing gum lose it's flavor on the bedpost over night? What shall we do with a drunken sailor?" Cal grimaced. "Does anybody have something for a headache?"

Atton groaned. "He's worse than ever."

Saunter nodded. "Yeah, I didn't even know we had a drunken sailor with us."

Atton gazed up into the sky as a brith flew over and dropped some brith droppings on his head. "Why me?"

_A/N I want to thank AC for the idea of Force Fumigate. That one cracked me up. Thanks to all of you out there that read this crazy thing._

14


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12:

**Aliases**

Sometimes life was not fair, Atton thought, chin sunk into his hands as he gazed moodily out the view screen of the _Ebon Hawk. _Take what had happened to his buddy Cal. Sylar Exile had taken all his Force powers and almost killed him if Atton had not healed him and now Cal was an amnesiac.

And it was causing all sorts of dissention among the female members of the crew. Mira took it as a direct insult Cal did not remember her. Visas took it as a sign maybe she stood a chance to win over his heart. HM was gone, thinking she took Kreia to Atris to stand trial for the crime of killing the Jedi she loved—not knowing it was the old hag's manipulation. The only good thing about Cal's amnesia was he did not know he was supposed to go to Telos and rescue HM and fight Atris, the ice queen. Atton was relieved because if anything smelled of a trap, this did.

Saunter was off hunting for the lost droids. Atton wanted to keep an eye on Cal, so he had asked HK, who had been the only droid not captured by Exile Sylar, to accompany the kid.

Speaking of Cal...Atton found the Jedi in the main hold, strumming a guitar. Cal looked up and smiled. "Oh, hi, uh...Adam? No, that's not right. Atom? No, uh, I seem to have forgotten your name again. I'm sorry."

Atton told him. "Atom was damned close," he praised Cal, patting his shoulder. "Do you remember any songs?"

Cal pushed a curl out of his eyes and shook his head. "All the women seem really mad at me." His brown eyes were terribly sad, like a puppy after it's been smacked with a newspaper.

"Don't worry about it," Atton said with more cheer than he felt. What he felt was despondence. He had lost his best friend in a way. "They'll settle down."

Cal strummed the guitar and his clear tenor rang out.

_**Where are the memories I need the**__** most?  
I went somewhere and now they are lost  
They tell me my blue skies faded to gray  
They tell me my IQ's gone away  
And I'm not carryin' on.**_

Atton picked up his own guitar and sat beside Cal.****

_**You took up your lightsaber just to hit a new low  
Your rescue went bad and now you don't know  
You tell me you don't remember a thing  
You lost all your powers and all of your bling  
And you don't need no carryin' on  
**_**  
**_**Because you had a bad day  
Sylar Ex took you down.**_

Bao-Dur joined in, his ultra soft voice harmonizing with theirs.

**  
**_**You sing a sad song just to turn it around  
You say you don't know me  
Turn my smile into a frown  
You work at recall. **_

_**But you don't know us at all.**_

**  
**_**You had a bad day  
You had a bad day  
**_

Cal smiled his appreciation for the back-up. "I do remember one name." He sighed. "One face. One beautiful face with glorious grey eyes."

Atton had a bad feeling about it, but he asked anyway. "Yeah? Who?"

"Bastila." Cal sounded like he could make a living answering letters of the love-lorn. "I see her. We...loved each other?"

_How do I tell him Bastila dumped him at the altar for Luce Revan?_Atton decided he couldn't. He knew this was supposed to be a funny, uplifting, sometimes even hilarious story, but it had taken on a certain suckiness right now and he could not find any humor. Saunter had told him of his idea that seeing the droids again might spur Cal's memory, so Atton was waiting impatiently for the kid and HK to return

"Do you remember anything about your past, Cal?"

Miserably, Cal shook his head. Atton knew Cal could be happy in his ignorance, but everybody else seemed so upset, so the twitter-pated Jedi guessed he should be, too. Actually, it must be nice not to have any responsibility. Of course there were drawbacks, but, Cal had the kind of amnesia where he retained all his skills with the lightsaber (of course, he did not know what a lightsaber was) and sword and hand-to-hand. Cal had no idea who he was or where he'd come from or who all the people in the ship were. Atton knew his buddy felt bad because they did.

Atton heaved a sigh. He was in charge, whether he wanted to be or not. He and Bao put their heads together a moment, but Bao's horns kinda hurt, so they settled for exchanging ideas as to how to help Cal regain his memory.

"What about Dr. Who?" Bao suggested.

Atton slapped his forehead. Either he could've had a V8 or he had just realized he had missed the most obvious solution to their problem. He and Bao made pretend bullhorns of their hands and called the good doctor's name, but there was no response.

"He won't be coming," Saunter announced as he came into the main hold from the garage. The kid was followed by a batallion of droids. He had something slung over his shoulders and Atton was shocked to see it was his evil twin Skippy. "My stupid frackin' brother stole the key to his **TARDIS**."

"You want some help with him?" Bao asked.

Saunter shook his head. "Nope, he ain't heavy; he's my brother." He dumped him on the deck and cuffed the back of his head. "Stupid lunk head!"

"Oh, yeah? Well, Mom liked me best!" Skippy tried to sit up, but Bao brought out his lightsaber and activated it, so the kid leaned back on his elbows.

"What about Hiro?" Mira entered the room and gave Cal a heated look and then her face crumpled into loving understanding. "How's my amnesiac boyfriend?"

Cal looked around the main hold, a very puzzled expression on his face. "Which one is he? Could you point him out and I'll ask him?"

Saunter and Atton stifled a chuckle. It really wasn't funny. Mira went back to furious mode and stalked out, but she left behind her idea and Atton jumped on it.

"Hiro!"

"Hero?" Saunter repeated, scowling at his reprehensible twin when Skippy laughed. "Do you know something about him?"

"Yep, I do. Hiro can't help because he gets intense nose bleeds and his brain is about to explode, so no more time travel for him."

"What about Peter?"

Skippy shrugged. He didn't know him. Atton confirmed it by entering his mind using the Force. The pilot's fist struck the side of the bulwark of the hatch that led to the companionway.

"Perhaps I can help the master." A voice came from the throng of droids that crowded into the main hold and filled about all the other space on the ship. One of the droids Cal had found on Dxun walked and then rolled into view. "The master saved me. Maybe he will recognize me."

"Gleeful statement: The war droid looks like a droid in a wheelchair!" HK's red photoreceptors gleamed in the semi-darkness.

Cal's head came up as a memory surfaced and he was transported back to Dxun when he first met the droid.

_(Director says, wavy lines over the screen like in Wayne's World)_

_Cal had already saved two of the war droids from the war on Dxun against the Mandalorians. __He found the third, frozen, body corroded by rust and the never-ceasing rain. It looked so desolate, standing there, a past relic of a war Cal had participated in._

_Cal reached into his RPG rucksack for his tools, laying them and computer spikes and parts he'd picked up from here and there in his jaunt across the galaxy. He picked out a pair of gloves and put them on. They were supposed to aid him to fix things._

_He began his work, removing the chest plate where he could access the memory core and systems. Thanks to his mods, he was the only Jedi Guardian that had all other skills and he was a great mechanic. He replaced wires and rusted parts and was rewarded by the droid's photoreceptors lighting up and the droid's upper chasis moving._

_Tinny music issued from somewhere as if from a rusted electric guitar and the droid began to sing._

_**I died**__** here**__** many years ago  
But you feed me a spike and make me feel  
Like it isn't so  
And why you come to fix me  
I think I finally know  
mmm-mmm**_

_**But...let me rust in peace**_

'_**Cause my servo's dead.**_

_**My legs are broke**_

_**And there's a dent in my head.**_

_**I cannot walk, so I'd rather be dead.**_

_**So, let me rust in peace.**_

_Cal was so amazed he could not speak for a moment. "I can help you. You can be part..."_

_(Wavy lines again to indicate Cal is returning from the past.)_

Cal blinked as he came out of the memory. He stood up, intelligence blazing in his eyes. "Spike!"

Atton rolled his eyes. It figured Cal would remember a droid. "You know him, Cal?"

Cal nodded. "He's a part of my walk and roll fantasy. He's a part of my walk and roll dream."

Spike was an odd looking droid. Cal had removed the lower parts of his legs and replaced them with wheels and installed repulsors, too. Spike rolled over to Cal and the Jedi grinned at him a moment.

It was a break through...of sorts...Cal gazed about the throng of droids and people and who was that guy with the horns again? Mao? Karo?

Atton had watched with a glimmer of hope until he saw Cal only had recognized Spike―nobody else. He supposed he should go to the cockpit and take off, but where should they go? Cal would insist on rescuing HM and fighting Atris and sparing her life and then taking off to stop Clownface Sith and then the most boneheaded of plays, go to Malachor V and fight through droves of Sith to finally face off with the old hag.

Atton knew what the Guide said, but he had never been one to adhere to rules. Maybe he'd drop off the new Jedi wannabes on Coruscant and sell off the droids and take off with Cal as his first mate. Maybe he'd return to being a pirate.

"Hey, Cal, would you like to be a pirate?" he asked his buddy.

"What's a pirate?" Cal smiled up at Spike. It was so nice to recognize something!

"A pirate, Master, is a being that flies on a ship and pillages..."

"I know what a ship is, but what is pillaging?" Cal cocked his head.

"Good luck explaining that one," Atton said, snorting.

"Robbing...?" Spike tried again.

"What would a bird have to do with being a pirate?"

Atton met Spike's photoreceptors and swore he could see a look of consternation on the droid's metal face. "See what I mean," Atton offered. "His memory is sporadic, Spike."

"My poor master."

T3-M4 rolled forward and beeped and whistled and booped until Atton put his hands over his ears. He really did not understand what the little astromech had just said, so he nodded just to shut him up. T3's servos creaked a little as he rolled over to Cal. He extended his shock arm and zapped Cal with a volt or two of electricity.

Cal's curls frizzed a little and his eyes opened very wide and his teeth looked like he'd used too much teeth whitener as the electricity danced over them. T3 withdrew the shock arm from the side of the Jedi's head.

"What the hell did you do?" Atton was immediately at Cal's side, afraid he'd been hurt, but T3 had been very careful to use low voltage and the little droid scolded the pilot in a series of very offended sounds.

"Get back to the engine room," Atton ordered and received a sound from T3 that was very similar to a raspberry.

Atton held up two fingers in front of Cal's eyes. "How many fingers?"

"Two?"

"Was that a question, Cal?" Saunter asked.

"What was a question?" Cal looked thoroughly confused, which for him was normal.

"How many fingers am I holding up?" Atton waved twin digits.

Cal put his thumb and forefingers together as he gently pinched both fingers. "Two."

"Is that your final answer?" Atton prompted.

Cal nodded. "Two."

Atton heaved a relieved sigh. Saunter and Bao moved aside when another droid came forward to render aid. This was a protocol droid and Atton did not recognize it. The droid bent down and hugged Cal tightly.

"It's okay, Master," the droid said in a low crooning voice. "Your snuggle-puss is here to make it all better."

"What the...?" Saunter looked to Atton for confirmation. He loved droids like Cal did, but none had ever hugged before.

"Which one are you?" Atton demanded. "And just what do you think you're doing?"

"Master Cal rescued me from the Kath hounds on Dantooine and sneaked me aboard the ship so that I would not have to return to my former mistress. Whenever she was depressed or needed comforting, she enjoyed me doing this."

"First off, e-www! Second, if you value your, uh, love socket, step away from the Jedi. And third, you didn't tell me who you are."

"I am C8, the Love 'Bot, thinking of ways of pleasure for you..."

Atton drew his blasters and gestured with them in a very threatening way, cutting off any more singing and hugging. "Last off, that is so wrong on so many levels. C-8, if you don't want me to blast you into a million pieces―last warning―get away from him!"

C-8 started to rise, startled by the violence directed toward him, and he lost his balance, taking Cal with him as he toppled to the deck. Saunter exploded across the space to help, tripped on the droid's floundering legs and just as Cal was sitting up, the young man crashed into him. Their foreheads met with a resounding _thunk_ and both were flung violently back and landed in heaps.

"Great!" Atton rushed to Cal and Bao knelt beside Saunter. Atton resisted shooting C-8. "You, get to the engine room." He called T3 on his comm-link and told him to take the droid into the garage and wipe his memory.

Atton gently slapped Cal's face until the brown eyes opened and focused on him. Bao was doing the same to Saunter.

"Cal, you okay?" Atton noted the knot on the Jedi's face.

"Captain Jaq?" Cal rubbed his head. "Is that you?"

"Cal..."

"I'm not Cal. I'm Will Turnup."

"You're who?" Atton ran a hand through his thatch of black hair.

"You know―the person everyone fires at? 'Fire at Will!' I cannot tell you how many times I've heard that. And whenever you think your day is bleak, I am the one who will _turn up_ to make things worse. I'm a pirate," he said proudly. "Haven't you heard of the Pirates of the Korriban?"

"Excuse me," Atton said sourly, got up and went to the cockpit since he had no quarters. There were three loud _thuds_ and when Atton returned to the main hold there was a red mark on his forehead.

He noted that things had changed in his absence. There was a conspicuous lack of droids, for one thing, and a lack of crew for another. He scratched his head and surveyed the hold, but no solution came to him and then a blaster was jammed into his ribs.

"Unbuckle your blaster belt and drop it on the deck." The voice was familiar but gruffer than he remembered. He tried an Echani move and got a fist to the jaw for his trouble. While he was dazed, his arms were jerked behind him and binders were clapped on his wrists. He was pushed roughly into the small storage room and the door was sealed behind him. He discovered where the crew had disappeared to: Cal, Mira, Visas, and Bao all gave him uncomprehending looks as he asked them what had just happened.

"Did somebody just steal the ship and lock us in here?" Atton saw that Skippy was also a prisoner, but where...? "Where's Saunter?"

"Flying the ship, I imagine," Bao said, looking forlorn. "And…he's not Saunter anymore. That blow to the head… well, he thinks he's Swagger Vasa. For real this time. We're headed to Nar Shaddaa. He's turning Cal in for the bounty."

Cal/Will's head came up. "Who's Cal?"

Mira figured she had another chance to win Cal over, even if he thought he was someone else, so she moved against him suggestively. He regarded her warily.

"M-mmm, Will, you are such a pirate hunk," she purred.

"Oh, no, miss. I love only Elizabeth."

"Elizabeth?!" Mira exploded and she gave Cal's face a punishing blow. "First it's Bastila and now someone named Elizabeth?!"

"Who's Bastila?" Cal asked. "Captain Jaq, have you no answers? Have you no solutions to this quandary?" His tone was melodramatic.

Atton was grateful that the binders kept him from pulling his hair out by the roots. "If Saunter…er, Swagger lets me out once we hit Nar Shaddaa, I'm heading to the Red Sector and I am getting drunk on juma and bunking with the prettiest doxy there."

"But what about Cal and the bounty?" Visas cooed in her ultra sexy voice. "We cannot let Saunter turn him over to GOTO."

"Go to where?" Cal muttered, but nobody paid any attention. Bao was still looking forlorn.

"Listen, bucko," Mira grabbed Atton by the front of his shirt and pulled him close. "If that kid does anything to jeopardize my Cal, I'll hold you responsible."

"Jeopardize?" Cal looked up. "That's where you answer in the form of a question, right?"

Atton didn't back down from Mira. Something in her nearness made him realize how hot she was. "We're all in jeopardy, sister."

"She's your sister?" Cal's brows drew together in a frown. "You're looking at her pretty non-brotherly."

"Can I hit him?" Atton begged. "Please tell me I can hit him."

"That would be a real trick," Cal grinned. "Your hands are confined."

"If anybody hits him, it'll be me." Mira shoved Atton away and he staggered to stay upright. "Bastila…Elizabeth… Who's next?"

"Are we taking turns?"

Everyone turned. "Shut up, Cal!"

"Who's Cal?"

***

T3 beeped cautiously as the _Ebon Hawk_ settled on the landing pad at Nar Shaddaa. He had been trapped in the engine room with C8 during the flight and was tired of the droid's advances. The wipe seemed to have turned C8's interest from helping sentients to hitting on other droids.

"I never noticed how attractive you are, little fella." C8 rested a hand on T3's dome. "We could be very good friends."

T3 made another "raspberry" sound and trundled off to see if he was needed. He liked that sound―it seemed to make others understand that he didn't appreciate their attitudes. Actually, it served a multitude of purposes, and he decided to use it more often.

"Let us out of here!" Atton's voice was muffled and it took T3 a moment to realize it was coming from the storage compartment. After the way Atton had been treating him, however, he felt it best to ignore the plea.

"T3!" Now that voice was different. Mira. She'd treated the droid respectfully enough. He rolled closer to the storage compartment and beeped. "T3, can you hear me?" There was a _thwak_ that might have been Mira smacking the door with her hand. "Get us out of here!"

"Belay that order!" Saunter strode from the cockpit… No, T3 amended, Saunter _swaggered_ from the cockpit. His demeanor was much different than T3 remembered. He was wearing a T-shirt with I AM emblazoned across his chest, and he'd clipped his hair close to his scalp and he was wearing the dark contacts again. He also was dressed in full Vasa battle gear and weapons bristled from almost every part of his body. T3 gave a weak chirp and wheeled off to the starboard dormitory.

"Saunter, let us out of here!" Voices came from the storage compartment. "Open up!"

"Stand away from the door," Saunter/Swagger ordered, drawing his blaster. "Anybody who gives me any trouble will be shot." He ignored the murmurs from the other side, and waited a few minutes for them to comply before opening the door.

"This is ridiculous!" Atton protested when he saw the blaster aimed at him. "You're Saunter Vasa and you're just a kid. Let us out of here."

"I am Swagger Vasa the bounty hunter, and you'd better be quiet or I'll blast you." He motioned to Cal. "Come with me."

"Where are we going?" Cal stepped forward obediently―almost eagerly.

"You're staying with me!" Mira threw her arms around him and glared at Saunter. "And I'm going to spank you if you don't behave."

"Aren't you going to reprimand your sister?" Cal asked Atton. "That's not a very nice thing for her to do."

"Come on," Saunter waved his blaster impatiently.

"Ask him again where you're going," Atton told Cal. "I bet you won't like it."

"I'm going to collect the bounty on him," Saunter sneered at Atton.

Cal scratched his head. "Am I worth my weight in paper towels?"

"You're not taking him!" Mira insisted.

"You must leave him here," Visas said in her quiet voice.

"Hey," Cal turned to Saunter. "Looks like you've got a mutiny on the bounty."

Saunter ignored the comment. "Let's go."

"Stay!" Mira clung to Cal.

"But you're not Elizabeth."

"I'm not Bastila either, but I love you."

"You…love me?" Cal's eyes widened.

"Yes."

"No." Saunter glared at Mira. "She's only saying that so you'll stay."

"She is cute." Cal regarded Mira. "And she smells nice." He looked at Atton. "Do you mind if I ask your sister out?"

"Take her," Atton moaned. "You're welcome to her." He moved close to Bao and lowered his voice. "Can you get these binders off me?"

"Come on." Saunter waved the blaster again.

"He wants me to go with him, and this bounty thing sounds interesting." Cal extricated himself from Mira's grip. "I want to see what happens."

"You'll die, that's what happens!" she shouted.

"He wouldn't do that to me." Cal turned to Saunter. "You wouldn't do that to me, would you?"

"There's a bounty, and I'm collecting it. Let's go."

"Sorry." Cal gave Mira a quick kiss on the cheek. "Gotta go!" He stepped out of the storage room and Saunter closed the door.

"Great," Atton said sourly. "That went well."

"We have to save him." Visas fiddled with Atton's binders and, after a tuneful moment, they opened.

"How do we get out of here?" Atton growled.

"T3!" Mira called. "T3, sweetie, come and open the door for us."

The little droid decided that request didn't merit a raspberry.

***

Swagger and Flynn sat in the cantina on Nar Shaddaa's entertainment promenade. The former was enjoying a hefty glass of juma while the other sat at a table with two Twi'lek females on his lap.

Like most of their species, they lacked body hair, but had very long eyelashes—this was to aid in keeping out the sand and heat of their home planet Ryloth. Females typically had painted eyebrows or had their eyebrows tattooed on.

"Ohh, Flynnie, you're sooo handsome." One of the Twi'leks, a rare azure color, nuzzled his neck.

"I am more than that, little missy," he grinned and broke into song.

_**If you want my body,**_

_**And you think I'm sexy,**_

_**Come on, shake those head tails for me!**_

He and the girls got up and danced around a bit, Flynn shaking his bootie and the girls obligingly shaking their head tails. Swagger ignored the gyrations as he finished his drink and lit a death stick. He didn't like Nar Shaddaa, but collecting his bounty had necessitated the visit. He motioned to Flynn that it was time to go.

"Aw, Swag, I was just beginning to have fun." His partner gave the Twi'leks lingering kisses. "There are two of them; why don't you join me?"

"Come on, bounty hunter." One of the Twi'leks draped her lekku around Swagger's neck. "We could have a really good time."

"Don't swing the alien way, darlin'," Swagger replied. "No offense." Swagger was not prejudiced against other species, but he'd seen too many males swayed by the head tails, which the Twi'leks used― along with their attractive, slender bodies―to ensnare them,.

"Darla, come over here," one of the Twi'leks called to a beautiful blonde with frost grey eyes who was serving drinks.

Flynn looked a little insulted. "Hey, Swag, everybody knows Twi'leks are the best dancers and..."

Swagger raised his glass, draining it, signaling for another as the blonde approached. He patted his lap and she sat on it, running her fingers through his buzzed dark hair. He growled in a low, menacing way as she bit his earlobe.

"Think you can handle me, babe?" he asked, quirking a brow at the girl. She was dressed like the Twi'leks, in a slinky body suit that showed her upper endowments quite well.

"I'd like to try," she told him and whispered what she would like to try in his ear. Swagger's other brow rose.

He snapped his fingers at the bartender. "Check," he snapped. "Flynnie, we're going back to the ship and keep this party going all night."

Flynn crowed his enthusiasm. "That's what I'm talking about!" He was experiencing a pleasant buzz from the juma he'd consumed. He was not drunk, nor were his senses impaired. One thing he had learned since hooking up with Vasa was to never let down his guard.

"'Bout time you came around to my way of thinking, Swag."

"Come on, babe and I'll show ya my ship," Swagger said in a low, sexy voice.

Darla nodded and let Swagger drape his arm around her when he got up. Swagger ignored Flynn's aggrieved comment, "_Our_ ship!" and swaggered out of the cantina.

"Let's go, ladies." Flynn paid the bill and left a generous tip and hurried to catch up with Swagger, who was already kissing Darla as they reached the door leading to the Nar Shaddaa docks.

Nar Shaddaa was like Coruscant in many ways. Its surface was entirely overgrown with sprawling cities. But unlike Coruscant—which was only relatively dangerous on the lower levels—Nar Shaddaa was filthy, polluted, and infested with crime throughout. Ancient refueling spires and loading docks reached out from the native soil, and some were built in the upper atmosphere. The lights from these spires could be seen dimly through the layers of exhaust from the refuleing stations and pollution. In between these ports, massive vertical cities had grown. The urban areas on Nar Shaddaa were known as vertical cities since new layers of housing and entertainment buildings were built on top of older layers, like Coruscant and Taris.

While much of Coruscant was filled with gleaming apartments and well-maintained skywalks, Nar Shaddaa was dominated by decaying urban landscape and congested, polluted cities.

Aware of the danger, even though his attention was on the woman in his arms, Swagger kept alert. Being attacked on the docks was something an unwary traveler might not expect, but Swagger was always prepared.

The night was…well, much like any other night on Nar Shaddaa―dark, dank, smelly and dangerous. Flynn and Swagger stopped what they were doing when they caught sight of a couple of Trandoshan thugs conversing in the shadows. Something in their demeanor made Swagger walk past them to catch part of the conversation.

"…he just landed and he's got the Jedi," one thug said.

Another thug shook his head. "I heard Vasa already claimed the bounty. Heard he cut him to pieces and collected the credits."

"Yeah," a third thug agreed. "That's what I heard."

"Then who's bringing in the Jedi?" the first one queried.

"Uh oh," Flynn said under his breath. "Sounds like Cal came back to Nar Shaddaa."

"Let's check it out." Swagger flicked his death stick aside and strode purposefully toward the landing pad. He gave Darla one last kiss that took her breath away. "Sorry, babe. Maybe another time."

Flynn received twin moans of disappointment as he told the girls he had some business to handle, although he would much prefer handling them.

* * *

Saunter was having no trouble getting Cal to accompany him, though it was taking longer than expected as the confused Jedi marveled at the sights and smells of Nar Shaddaa like some damn tourist.

"What's that?" He pointed at the fat floating figure at the far end of the landing pad.

"A Toydarian," Saunter grumbled. "He tries to get bribes from everybody."

"Toydarian?" Cal regarded Quello. "He looks real."

"He is real," Saunter growled.

"But you said he was a toy."

"Come on."

"Hey!" Quello yelled. "Wait! You can't land here. Who do you think you are?"

"Swagger Vasa," Saunter said gruffly.

"Oh, well in that case…" Quello's wings carried him swiftly away.

"He's pretty fast for a little guy," Cal commented.

As Cal and Saunter reached the end of the dock and turned the corner they came face to face with Swagger and Flynn.

"Where do you think you're going?" Swagger asked in his most intimidating tone.

"I'm collecting the bounty on the Jedi," Saunter replied with bravado.

"I already collected." Swagger pulled out another death stick and lit it. His steady hand as he flicked the match to the ground and took a drag did not betray his anger.

Saunter coughed and fanned the smoke away with his hand. "That's not healthy."

"Neither is turning up here with my bounty."

"_My_ bounty," Saunter corrected.

"And who the frackin' hell do you think you are?"

Saunter tapped I AM on his T-shirt. "Swagger Vasa."

Flynn rolled his eyes and stepped back with a hand on his blaster, knowing that a confrontation was inevitable.

"Guess again, kid." Swagger took an intimidating step forward.

"Not kid," Saunter corrected. He dug in his RPG rucksack, pulled something out and tossed it to Swagger. "That's for you."

Swagger held up a T-shirt with WANNABE in large letters.

"Can I have one of those?" Cal asked.

Flynn spun and got off a shot as a voice rang out from the darkness. Luckily, Atton had brought his lightsaber and deflected the bolt harmlessly into the dock. "Wait, Vasa! Don't kill the kid."

"You got to the count of five to give me a reason why not. One..."

Atton quickly explained about Saunter's amnesia and Cal's problem, too. Halfway through the explanation, Flynn started to crack up. He held his stomach he was laughing so hard.

"_I_ am Swagger Vasa and _you_ are a poser," Saunter said, inserting his best imitation of the bounty hunter he had admired so long into his voice. "Rule #1 is never interfere with me and a bounty."

Swagger flicked his blaster to stun and shot from the hip, bringing Saunter down. Atton dropped beside the kid and was relieved when he felt a healthy pulse.

"Do him a favor," Swagger advised. "Lock him and Cal up somewhere and get the hell off this moon." He pushed the kid over onto his back with his boot and scowled at the I AM on the kid's T-shirt. He took out the dagger from his boot and sliced the offensive phrase off without touching the skin. He tossed Atton the WANNABE T-shirt. "Tell him I ever catch him being me again, I'll skin him alive."

"I will," Atton vowed, tucking the T-shirt inside his rucksack.

Mira ran to Cal and crushed him to her breasts. Flynn muttered something and Swagger smirked then barked a laugh.

"Well, they cost you a date, too," the merc grumbled. "I had not one, but two Twi'leks―blues, Swag, rare beauties, and I had to let them go." His twinkling green eyes (that sometimes looked blue) did not twinkle now. They were hard and glittered angrily. He shook a fist at Atton as the pilot lifted Saunter over his shoulder. "You tell that young fella for me, before Swagger skins him alive, I will beat the stuffin' outta him I ever see his worthless carcass again!"

He and Vasa stepped back into the shadows.

Cal's head was cushioned by Mira's attributes and he found himself thinking, "Elizabeth who?"

"Mira, we need to get him back on the ship and out of sight." Atton strained under Saunter's weight.

"There may be a problem with that," Mira said as she saw figures dart from the shadows and they were surrounded by every other bounty hunter on the Smuggler's Moon.

"Vasa didn't get the Jedi!?" A Trandoshan snarled in his own tongue. He had a recent holo of Cal and showed it to the others. "He's a traitor! Once we turn over the Jedi to GOTO, we'll let it be known he's a turn coat to the brothers of the Guild."

"You join a guild, Swag?" Flynn had his blaster in one hand and a vibroblade in the other and looked as if he was spoiling for a fight.

"Nope." Swagger held two vibroblades and spun them with deadly expertise. "My rep's on the line, partner."

"Yeah, I know, so that means none of you losers can live to tell the tale."

The fight was brutal, bloody and mercifully quick. Swagger and Flynn were at their deadly best and the other bounty hunters, though good, were no match for them. Especially since Mira, Atton, Bao and Visas entered the fray.

Atton took some of his frustration out by using Force storm and whirlwind, catching the last two bounty hunters, sending them to their deaths over the side of the chasm. He leaned over the edge to see their bodies―still lit up―falling to Nal Hutta, the planet below.

Each Jedi had given a good account of him or herself in the fierce battle, and Atton could see they had won some respect with Vasa.

"We didn't need it," Flynn said cordially." But thanks for the help anyway."

"You're welcome," Atton grinned snarkily. "Buy a man a drink?"

"Sure," Flynn said affably. "You see one around?"

Swagger snorted. "Get Cal and that idiot kid back on your ship and join us for some rounds at the cantina. Our treat."

Mira elected to take the young men to the ship and Atton joined the two bounty hunters. Flynn was back in his normal good mood and Swagger was acting a lot less aggressive. It looked like it might turn out to be a good night on Nar Shaddaa after all.

Darla immediately came and sat on Swagger's lap when he sat back down at their recently vacated table. Atton got one Twi'lek and Flynn took the other. They drank and had some laughs and Flynn and Atton played several hands of pazaak.

Swagger watched the others dance, narrowing his eyes against the smoke of the death stick he held. He got feelings sometimes and he was getting one now that he was trying―without much success­―to ignore, but it was growing stronger.

Something was wrong on Nar Shaddaa, and if he was a betting man, he'd bet it had to involve that damn Jedi.

* * *

Mira froze when she led Cal, who was carrying Saunter, into the _Ebon Hawk. _Slavers were everywhere! _The Red Eclipse_, members of a murdering slavery ring. She was grabbed and saw Visas was in the clutches of one of the men. She struggled, but there were too many of them.

Cal did not have his lightsaber because Saunter/Swagger had taken his weapons, but he still had the Force. He loosed a powerful wave, which made the slaver holding Mira release his grip on her to keep from being blown into the companionway.

"Go!!" Cal took a weapon from a fallen slaver. "Get help!"

Visas was fighting with her lightsaber and powers, and even T3-M4 was zapping the invaders. It gave Mira enough space to get away. She raced down the ramp, pausing a moment as a stitch stabbed her side, catching her breath.

She saw Cal dragged from the ship. "We're taking him to GOTO's ship!"

Oh, no, they had discovered he was the Exile and wanted the bounty rather than another slave! Mira used Force speed and warped over to the cantina, burst inside and knocked into Atton, who was dancing with a Twi'lek.

"Atton, the _Red Eclipse!_ They were waiting! There were too many! They took Cal! They know who he is! They'll turn him over for the bounty!"

Swagger was up so fast his chair crashed to the floor. Darla slowly got to her feet, her face furious.

"Where? Where'd they take him?" Swagger paced, his eyes turning to obsidian. His anger was building into a full blown rage.

"They're taking him to GOTO's yacht."

Swagger nodded. "Then that's where we have to go," he snarled.

_A/N I do not own anything other than the computer and the OCs. And I bet you thought Cal could not get into more trouble than he was already in, tee hee! _

19


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13:

**Organics VS Droids**

Swagger told them they would take _The Seeker _since taking the _Ebon Hawk_ was like painting a target on their backs and asking everyone who spotted the ship to shoot down her crew. But first, they had to rescue Visas and Saunter and the droids from the _Red Eclipse_ gang.

When they arrived at the docking bay, the ship was still there, which was a good sign, but there was gang graffiti all over the outside marking her as _Red Eclipse _territory and property. _Red Rules! Better Red than Dead!! A Total Eclipse of the Heart!! Red, Red Wine!!! _

Atton was outraged. "Look what they did to my ship!" Luckily, he had Force Power Wash, so he used it to remove the graffiti.

There were only a few of the gang present and they were defeated easily, because Atton did not feel like playing since there was no time to waste. He and Bao utilized double Force whirlwinds and when the slavers were blown out of the ship, they were taken down by Force lightning and Vasa's vibroblades and Flynn's blasters.

Visas had been locked in the small compartment and they found all of the droids locked in the storage hold including T3-M4. However, neither Saunter nor Skippy could be found. Atton worried about the kid but he had to put that on hold because it was too important that they rescue Cal.

He told Swagger there was a trick to locating GO-TO's yacht and they visited Teinn Tubb to have him change _The Seeker's_ ID to one of Vogga the Hutt's cargo freighters, which was what GO-TO always seemed to target.

They all clamored on board Swagger's ship after Atton told HK and T3 to guard the _Hawk_ and not allow any strangers inside. Atton watched through the main viewscreen as Swagger piloted his ship and was amazed at the bounty hunter's skill as he wove it through the Nar Shaddaa traffic, avoiding all the other bounty hunter ships. Everyone was convening in the space above Nar Shaddaa, drawn by the huge bounty on the Exile.

"Wonder where Saunter got off to," Atton spoke his worry aloud, but quietly to Bao. "If he still thinks he's Swagger..."

"If he does, he's probably safer than if he was just himself." Bao shook his head. "Sometimes I wonder if he and Cal aren't related."

"To which Cal would say," Atton chimed in, snorting.

"Related to what," they chorused, high-fiveing.

"I am worried about Cal," Visas told them, brushing against Flynn who had gotten up to show he was a gentleman. The big merc gulped and mentioned something to Swagger about he might need to go take a cold shower if the night got any more frustrating when it came to the female persuasion.

Suddenly, something huge loomed over _The Seeker_. They had been expecting it since Mira had warned them GO-TO's yacht was cloaked, but the size of it was frightening and it was disconcerting to allow the ship to be pulled by a tractor beam into the hangar bay.

"Expect lots of droids," Flynn told them. In the past he had played some pazaak with some other bounty hunters that had been on the yacht. He had gotten them drunk on juma and stored the information about GO-TO's yacht for future reference.

"Droids?" Atton moaned and put his face in his hands. "Why does it have to be droids? Why can't it be huge spiders or big ugly bugs or snakes? Why is it always droids?"

"Oh, suck it up," Swagger told him, showing little patience.

"Yeah, what's the big deal?" Flynn asked, checking the power pack on his blasters. "Droids are sometimes easier to take down than sentients."

"Not these droids." Mira's statement brought another moan from Atton and Swagger cuffed him sharply on the back of the head. "These droids are top of the line assassin protocol droids."

* * *

Meanwhile, back on Nar Shaddaa, the _Ebon Hawk_ was given clearance to leave the landing pad. Of course, Fassa, the Twi'lek in charge of the docking arrangements for arrivals and departures, thought he was talking to the _Alakandor_'s since Teinn Tubb had changed the ship's ID signature and its transponder code so it would be captured by GO-TO's yacht.

On board, an all droid crew, readied themselves to fight for their master.

* * *

Back on the yacht, the rescuers were walking into the docking bay. There was a small astromech droid there that had been damaged, but Visas was able to retrieve a program from it. Atton made sure nobody was watching and he shoved the little droid under a tarp so that when they came back through with Cal, he would not spot the little thing and beg to take it along. Although, as Will Turnup, he did not seem to care that much about droids.

Swagger put a finger to his lips to silence everyone as he and Flynn crept to the door. He put his ear to the door and listened, then said softly, "There's something in the connecting hall. Flynnie, you and Atton stay ranged. I'll move in with a vibroblade. If it's droids, they'll have shields."

"What are we supposed to do?" Mira asked angrily. "Stay behind and do our nails?"

"You both have Jedi powers, right?" Swagger spoke in clipped sentences. "Use them!"

When Atton used his skill to open the door, he was given a shove back and the signal to draw his blasters. Swagger moved into the narrow confines of the hall. He quickly backed out of the hall, dodging what looked like sensor balls.

"Floating mines! Shoot 'em from a distance!" He tucked and rolled and came up shooting his blaster.

Flynn, Atton and Mira loosed volleys of blaster bolts at them and they blew up from a safe distance. Swagger got to his feet and he did not look happy.

"The one thing I have a real problem with is placing my crew in danger."

"Don't worry, _baby cakes_," Mira's voice was sweetly acidic. "Us poor wittle helpless females will protect you."

"One more crack like that and, female or not, I'm gonna hit her," Swagger whispered to Flynn.

"If the defenses start out with floating mines, the rest will only get worse. I think we need to adjust the plan, Swag." Flynn tucked away his blaster, exchanging it for a vibroblade.

"I agree. Who's the best at hacking into computers?" Swagger's eyes were a snapping black as they roamed the others' faces. He would note any hesitation if somebody tried to lie.

"You have serious trust issues," Mira snapped. "I'm good. Visas is better. Right, girlfriend?"

"Yes."

"Hey, what am I―chopped gizka?" Atton tried to sign to Mira to stop ticking off Vasa, but she plainly ignored him.

Swagger took Visas by the elbow and steered her over to the console they had passed. "Hack in and see what security measures you can take out."

* * *

**GO-TO's yacht was a starship of corvette classification whose defenses were fortified with four double laser cannons and at least one tractor beam projector. It was jet-black and fully operated by droids. It also had a cloaking device that rendered it invisible to his enemies and an extensive communications suite that allowed G0T0 to manipulate droids all across the galaxy to do his will.**

The purpose of the yacht was to prowl around Nar Shaddaa undetected with its cloak, pinpoint various freighters, tractor them in, hijack them with its complement of onboard security droids, and seize their valuable cargo. The yacht's four double laser cannons served as a deterrent. Afterward, the yacht would engage its cloak and move on.

The yacht had 32 compartments, which included 2 airlocks, 6 holding cells, an audience chamber, communications center, internal security, bridge, and many smaller storage and maintenance rooms. It was manned by a variety of droids: G0T0 commanders, G0T0 heavy guardians, G0T0 guard droids that looked externally identical to the original G0T0 droid and astromech droids.

Meanwhile out in space above Nar Shaddaa, GO-TO's yacht uncloaked so it could capture what it thought was the_ Alakandor._ T3 docked the _Ebon Hawk_ on the opposite side of the yacht. Before he left the cockpit, he plugged into the yacht's computer with the ship's computer and downloaded the above **bolded** information including the schematics ---everything that was available about the security measures and how to circumvent them.

The minute he got inside the yacht, T3 found a computer console and switched the security guard priorities to defending organics rather than to destroy. He also shut down the turrets and minefields through out the yacht.

It turned the yacht into an eerie experience for the organics aboard it, because they expected to fight and, after the first wave of Ironman replicas and GO-TO-esque droids, there was nothing to fight. Atton told Swagger and Flynn not to attack the droids whose health had switched from red (hostile) to green (non-hostile).

Swagger heard something and asked Flynn if he heard it, too. The merc nodded. "Sounds like music..."

Echoing from the distance was the rousing beat of a song. Spike was the first droid to come into view, followed by the others.

"_**I love to walk and roll**_

_**Send another droid after GO-TO, baby!**_

_**We rescued our Jedi friend**_

_**Send another droid after GO-TO, baby!**_

_**We're with Cal to the end**_

_**Send another droid after GO-TO, baby!"**_

Flynn rubbed his eyes, took another look and then rubbed them a second time. "Is this for real?"

Cal, beaming, singing along, brought up the rear. He saw his friends and waved exuberantly. "Did you see what they did? My droids rescued me!"

"Well, uh, we were on our way. They just beat us to you." Atton gruffly patted Cal on the back. "You got your memory back then?"

"Yeah, funniest thing, I was fighting the _Red Eclipse_ gang and during the fight, I struck my head and everything came back. I'm back to normal."

Swagger snorted. "That'll be the day..."

"When you die?" Flynn filled in and was immediately sorry when he received an eye roll from the bounty hunter. "It's all these songs, Swag. They get in my head."

"Well, get 'em out, Buddy Holly."

"Says the man who is a closet karaoke case," Flynn muttered.

Swagger raised a hand, but Flynn chose to ignore the warning.

_**Hey! Mr. Karaoke Man, sing a song for me,  
I may not know all the words, but I'd like to sing along.  
Hey! Mr. Karaoke Man, play a song for me,  
We rescued the Jedi so now we can all leave.**_

"Uh, I hate to interrupt the singing fest, but before I left where I was imprisoned, I had T3 switch all the systems to the secondary distribution system, so now all those ticked off bounty hunters will want to blow up this yacht." Cal smiled nervously. "Good thing is, it won't blow up until we are far enough away not to get caught in the blast, although, that was only for the _Hawk._ I guess it would apply to your ship, Swagger. Best thing would be for you to get yours away before mine and that should prevent anything happening to yours. In theory..."

Before Swagger could throttle the hapless Jedi, Flynn intervened. "Sounds like a plan."

"A stupid, brainless Jedi plan," Swagger muttered as he was propelled away by his partner.

* * *

The two ships sat down on the landing pads within shouting distance of the other and met on the docking platform. All looked up to see the explosion as GO-TO's yacht was destroyed by all the ticked off bounty hunters.

"There goes all your worries, Swag." Flynn clashed his knuckles against Vasa's as the bounty hunter raised his hand half-heartedly. "Nobody can say you didn't catch the Exile now."

Swagger gestured to Cal who was partying down with his droids. "Not unless they possibly see him still alive and well."

"Damn!" Flynn shook his head and strode over to Cal. "You might want to get inside and stay there and get the hell off Nar Shaddaa. The other bounty hunters might still be out for your blood when they come to the surface."

Cal frowned. "But with GO-TO dead, the bounty would be off, wouldn't it?"

Flynn put an arm about the Jedi's shoulders and walked him to the _Ebon Hawk._ He forcibly turned him around and Flynn pointed to Swagger who was lighting up a death stick.

"You see that man right there? He accepted the credits from you and let you go. Now that is against his code because once you contract with him it is binding. He _let_ you go because, against everything in his past, his hatred of Jedi, he sorta likes you. Now, you don't want to put him in the position where he looks bad, do ya?" At Cal's shake of the head, Flynn grinned. "I didn't think so. Cal, get your Jedi butt in that ship and stay outta sight."

"But what about Saunter?" Cal protested as Flynn pushed him up the ramp. "He's like the little brother I always wanted."

Flynn scowled. "We'll find him and you better hope he's not still pretending to be Swagger because my partner's not in the best of moods right now. He might beat the hell outta the kid."

"I can't allow him to do that." Cal looked apologetic as he waved his hand and Flynn froze, enclosed in a glowing blue field of stasis. "Sorry, Flynn. I'm really sorry, but I have to find Saunter."

"Tell me you are _not_ doing what it looks like you're doing." Atton's voice behind him caused Cal to jump. "You did _not _freeze Flynn and you are _not_ going to incur the wrath of Vasa by _not_ doing what he told you."

"Afraid so." Cal tried to put Atton in stasis, but the Jedi Sentinel was ready for it and used the Force to prevent it.

"Cal, I can't let you do this."

"Nor can we," Visas said.

Cal was dismayed. His team was ganging up on him! Bao and Mira completed the circle and they closed in on him. Bao and Atton grabbed him by the biceps and lifted him, carrying him into the cargo hold where they sealed him inside.

By the time Atton returned to Flynn he was coming out of the stasis and looking as he put it "mighty peeved".

"Sorry," Atton said for the nth time as he walked down the ramp beside the upset merc. "He has a good heart. He just doesn't think straight."

"That there fella don't think at all," Flynn snapped.

"How about I make it up to you and buy you some juma in the cantina?" Atton had sent the others to seek Saunter while he did damage control. He did not want Flynn reporting Cal's latest actions to Swagger.

"Swag and I were in town to pick up another bounty."

"After what we paid you for Cal you could retire." Atton fought down the sarcasm and managed to keep his voice even.

"We could," Flynn admitted. "Retiring this early would be boring. Swag and I enjoy the hunt. Tracking 'em down, capturing them, bringing them in." He shrugged. "Alive or dead depending on the client." He stopped a moment, took out a comlink and spoke to Vasa, but Atton could not hear what he said. "Swag'll meet us at the cantina. He says you owe us dinner, too."

In the cargo hold, Cal quietly strummed his guitar and sang a few bars, "Oh, there's the Burning Deck, the Slag Pit, the Meltdown Cafe. There's Hooters and Cheers and the Hard Rock Cafe."

Good intentions, he mused were based on good, but the outcome might not be good, at least for Saunter, who was good but right now thought he was bad, but then Vasa was a badass, but not really all bad, so that meant he had to have some good in him, so that meant Saunter was a good badass right now and that could be good or bad depending on the people or sentient races he ran into whose alignment might be good or bad. If good, they would leave Saunter alone because he was bad. If bad, that could be good or bad. Good, if they left him alone due to Vasa's rep; bad if they were like Skippy who wanted to replace Swagger as the current best badass.

And then, as it tended to do, his mind went off on a tangent. If there was such a thing as a badass, was there such a thing as a good ass? He had been told several times by different women that he had a great ass, but was a good ass just a step down from that. And what about cases? There was hard case, cold case, suit case, worst case scenarios—did that translate into the ass sitch?

Should he even be thinking a**? He knew the story was T rated after all. Should the writer substitute butt or derriere? But somehow calling Swagger Vasa, bad butt or bad derriere just did not feel right.

Luckily, for all of us, his train of thought was derailed as a short Japanese man holding (of all things) a baby popped into the cargo hold.

"Hiro!" Cal was delighted to see the man. Hiro had been the one who played the game and helped out Jaden in her story and also had helped him out in earlier chapters.

Hiro shifted the baby in his arms so he could hold him and gesture with his other hand. "You cheat over and over. No wonder you end up such a basket case!"

"Oh, yeah, I forgot about that one." Cal pushed back his hair so he could see Hiro clearly. "Is that your baby?"

"No, he Baby Touch and Go. I lose my powers, but he has power to return powers to others. You see where I am headed with this, Cal-son?"

"You got your powers back?"

"He allow me to travel in time. I come here to help you, but you must stop cheating."

Cal dipped his head, a little embarrassed. "Okay, Hiro."

"You touch baby and you get back your powers," Hiro urged.

Cal gently put his hand on the baby's head, running his fingers through the silky hair, gazing down into the cute baby eyes. He could feel the Force return and that is when his own eyes began to water and his nose twitched as an odor that outrivaled a Rancor assaulted him.

Hiro made a face. "I think Baby Touch and GO just went. I must go." He shook his finger at Cal. "You get back on track, Cal-son. You still have much to do."

Cal pinched his nostrils together. "Okay," he said nasally and watched as Hiro and the reeking baby popped out of the room.

"Damn!" he said with feeling. "I forgot to ask him to let me out of here."

* * *

Swagger, Flynn and Atton had seen a lot of strange things in their lives, but nothing prepared them for the sight that greeted their eyes when they entered the cantina.

Young, muscular and shirtless, Saunter was sprawled in one chair, his booted heels propped on another. Darla, the blonde, was sitting in his lap while two female Twi'leks fanned him with huge feathers and wrapped their lekku over his muscular torso as Darla fed him delicious, succulent jarl berries.

"Well, I'll be damned!" Flynn exclaimed, then switched to Mando'a to vent even more.

Swagger's lips tightened at the corners and his brows lowered into a ferocious scowl. "That kid is getting on my last nerve," he said in a low, threatening manner.

"Yours?" Usually easy going, Flynn was visibly upset. "You only lost one girl, I lost two!"

A Toydarian flew onto the stage and hovered a few feet off the floor. "Ladies and gentlemen, and races of all galaxies!" His voice boomed and brought the room to silence. "Tonight we have an exceptionally rare treat for you!"

"I can hardly wait," Flynn murmured under his breath.

"Tonight we are hosting a special karaoke contest in honor of Swagger Vasa!"

Swagger made a sound that sounded like a cross between a growl and a choke.

"And as a special treat, Swagger Vasa himself will regale us with a song."

Everyone but the three who had just entered erupted into thunderous applause as Saunter rose from his chair and made his way to the stage, albeit a little unsteadily.

"Uh oh," Flynn commented. "He's had a little too much juma."

The Toydarian handed the microphone to Saunter, who began to gyrate his hips.

"_I'm too sexy for my shirt..."_

"Oh, no!" Atton moaned.

Saunter's hands came down to his waist and he unbuckled his blaster belt, pulled it free and whipped it up to swing it over his head a few times before letting it go. It sailed into the throng and every female in the room went after it like a bride's bouquet.

"No, no!" Flynn groaned as Saunter unzipped his trousers. "The boots first, kid! Take the boots off first!" He shook his head in mock-sorrow as Saunter let the trousers drop. They puddled around the tops of his boots. "Oh!" Flynn shook his head. "That is not a pretty sight!"

"_I'm too sexy for my pants. Too sexy…"_

Women were squealing with delight and men were whistling. Atton still couldn't believe his eyes. He gulped when he saw Swagger react to the strip tease. The bounty hunter's entire body was shaking. Swagger had turned his back and there were strangled noises coming from him. Atton figured Vasa was so angry he wasn't even able to form coherent words.

Saunter took a step forward and staggered.

"The boots," Flynn said quietly. "If he doesn't get the boots off, he'll kill himself."

Saunter was now hopping in circles on one foot, trying to pull off a boot while maintaining his grip on the microphone. _"Too sexy for my boots…"_

The Twi'leks put down the fans and hopped up on the stage.

"That's the girls," Flynn coaxed. "Take his boots off."

Saunter didn't skip a beat as he sat on the stage and waved the Twi'leks over. Flynn was still facing the stage and had one hand covering his eyes, fingers splayed so he could see the young man flat on his back, legs high in the air, Twi'leks pulling at his boots. They tossed them to the crowd and females began fighting over them.

"_I'm too sexy for my pants…"_ Saunter kicked the trousers aside as he struggled to his feet.

"He's down to his tighty whities!" Flynn exclaimed, no longer able to conceal his enjoyment. "Swagger, you should be watching this. I think he's headed for the full Monty!"

Cries of "Take it off!" thundered throughout the cantina as Swagger strode across the room.

"Kid's so drunk he sloshes when he swaggers," Atton chuckled.

"Course he ain't gonna have a morning after because Swag'll kill him before the juma does."

Swagger reached Saunter just as he was pushing the underwear over his hips. He had his hand on Saunter's arm when the open-mouthed crowd was frozen. Well, all but Atton.

"How'd you get out?" the pilot demanded as Cal came up beside him.

Cal smiled. "Force lock pick." He looked at the stage. "Looks like I got here just in time to keep the T rating from going out the window. Help me get Saunter dressed."

They went through the audience and collected Saunter's boots, pants, shirt and blaster belt and struggled to get them back on his inert body. Once he was fully clothed, Cal knelt down so he was eye level with him and spoke in a soft, soothing tone that was edged with the power of the Force.

"You are _Saunter_ Vasa, not Swagger Vasa. You are a decent kid who wants me as his mentor and friend." He frowned when he saw that his words didn't seem to be having any effect. Then an idea came to him. "Hey, I'll tell you what. Remember who you are and you can have your pick of the droids."

Saunter blinked. "I am Saunter Vasa."

"Yep, you are!"

"And I like droids."

"He's okay now," Cal told Atton as he rose. "Now we get him out of here."

"How'd you do all this?" Atton asked as Saunter got unsteadily to his feet.

"Hiro showed up and helped me level up. Chuck added another mod from the TFU game that gave me Force grip so I could rip the door off the cargo hold. I thought that might hurt the manicure Mira gave me, so I used Force lock pick instead. And then I typed in the request for Force Mass Effect Crowd Influence." He waved a hand at the audience. "This will wipe away all memory of seeing SV in his underwear."

"You know, Swagger's gonna be really pissed at you," Atton warned. "You promised him you'd never, ever, _ever_ use mind control on him."

"No problem." Cal freed Swagger and Flynn from stasis, and before either one could throttle him, he quickly explained, "I apologize! I put you in stasis, but I did not—I repeat, I did _not_ tamper with your minds. I just froze everybody but Atton so I could stop Saunter and get him out of here. Nobody else will remember what happened here—only us, and we'll be long gone when the stasis wears off."

Flynn gave a small shudder. "Ugh! He's telling the truth, Swag. I still remember the kid making a complete idiot of himself."

Swagger took a threatening step toward Saunter. "Using my name. Tarnishing my rep."

Cal swallowed hard. "Making everybody think you have a great singing voice."

Flynn chuckled. "He's passed out, and he's so drunk he probably won't remember a thing he said or did. And nobody in the cantina will remember, so no harm, no foul."

"He's lucky." Swagger let Atton and Cal drape Saunter's arms around their shoulders and tote him out of the cantina before he turned to Flynn. "That has got to be the funniest frackin' thing I've ever seen in my life."

As they passed through the entrance/exit to the refugee docks, Cal paused when he spotted the little Snivvian who looked like a mouse on steroids. "I just want to say good-bye," he told Atton and put Saunter into stasis so he would not fall.

The little Snivvian squealed and squeaked as Cal gave him some credits. "Kaalah-Nah nah, Kaalah-Nah nah. Hey, hey, good-bye!"

Kaalah-Nah squealed his delight and asked Cal to bend down so he could tell him something. Cal nodded when he straightened. "And you say, your friend's at Vogga the Hutt's den?"

Atton had a bad feeling about it, but he threw Saunter over one shoulder and followed Cal to the den of Vogga the Hutt. Sure enough the Bith Kaalah-Nah had asked Cal to speak to was there. The Bith was a craniopod with pale pink skin, a large head, large lidless eyes, and long fingers.

"Kaalah-Nah asked me to speak to you," Cal began, but the Bith cut him off, telling him he had the solution to the fuel problem and Cal should butt out.

"_**It must be some kind of Bith**__**-understanding.**_

_**It**__** must be some kind of Bith-mistake**_

_**He thinks I want to steal his idea**_

_**It's too late!"**_

Cal bowed out gracefully, bumping into Atton several times until he was back on the docks. Atton groused at him to turn around and stop the damned bowing. They quickly made their way back to the Refugee Sector.

Quello, the Toydarian, was waiting for them as they approached the landing pad where the ship sat. He flapped after them, trying to get their attention, his voice sounding more like he was hawking a lugie than speaking understandable Basic.

"What?" Atton finally whirled around, Saunter's legs clipping Cal on the side of the head as he did.

"I was wondering if I could catch a ride with you. I took the job as MC at the cantina where I could hide out, but I noticed a couple gang members of the _Red Eclipse_ were there and they might come after me since I allowed you to dock in their space."

"No, sorry, but we're full up." Atton could barely move through the ship as it was, what with all the droids and he was pretty sure a couple more from GO-TO's ship had been added, but it was hard to keep track there were so many.

"Oh, Atton," Cal said lightly. "You know there's always room for Quello."

All of this was a moot point because a certain man called Ratrin Vhek had waited until he could get on the _Ebon Hawk_ and had locked up all the droids, figuring to sell them later on. The _Hawk _had once belonged to him. Evidently nobody had told him no matter what the replies of the Exile made (_SIDE BAR_---which he had not even talked to) or that he was supposed to _try_ to steal the ship and be caught by the _Red Eclipse._ Vhek, because Cal had changed the rules, had been spared and now he was lifting off in the ship, leaving the hapless Jedi behind.

Cal and Atton arrived too late. The landing pad was empty. Atton dumped the unconscious Saunter on the ground and stamped about, anger in every line of his body.

"I canNOT believe somebody stole our ship!"

Cal pointed to _The Seeker_ right across from them, but it seemed too late to catch a ride with Vasa as the ship's lights came on and she rose smoothly. Cal sunk his chin in his hand as he thought and thought and thought. Quickly, he typed in his request.

_The Seeker_ was just a light in the sky when Cal used the Force grip he had just acquired. He drew upon the Force in a way he had never before, reaching deep, deep, deeper, until the power latched onto the ship.

He stood there rigidly, arms extended, fingers spread wide, sending the Force, enlarging it to encompass the ship and he began to pull it out of the sky.

Atton ran his hands through his hair until it stood on end. His eyes were wide and he looked completely, totally peeved. "Cal, all you had to do was call Vasa with your comlink. Do you really think he'll help us when you are responsible for pulling his ship out of the sky? Have you no idea of the stress you're putting on the ship's hull? She could break apart!"

Cal lightened up his grip a little, but he would not let it go completely, and slowly, inexorably, _The Seeker_ reappeared and Cal cushioned her landing the best he could.

There was the hiss of hydraulics as the landing ramp came down. Swagger and Flynn charged out of the ship, blasters held ready. Vasa's eyes were obsidian, cold and narrowed. Flynn's were very wide as if he had been frightened within an inch of his 6 ft 1 ½ inches.

"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't blast you," Swagger growled.

Cal swallowed audibly. "Our ship was stolen. We, um, need a ride?"

_And the director says, "Cut and print! Excellent! We'll end with a cliffhanger."_

_**A/N I am taking a page from AC in that I am letting some characters who die live to make the story more problematic. Hope you liked it. As always, my disclaimer is I do not own anything Star Wars or the other fandoms or songs.**__  
_

15


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14**

**Second 'Verse, Same As the First!**

Cal started to backpedal as Swagger and Flynn came closer. He knew he had done something that went beyond wrong. The anger on both their faces told him he had crossed a line.

"I'm sorry," he said, hiding behind Atton, peering out from behind him. "I didn't damage your ship, did I?"

Flynn did the talking. Swagger's hand on his blaster shook and his trigger finger was itching―Cal could tell. He wanted to offer him some anti-itch lotion, but thought it wiser not to engage the infuriated bounty hunter, so he listened as Flynn let him have it.

Whoever said "Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never harm me," had never been sworn at in Mando'a. Cal was glad he had no idea what the merc was saying—the tone of voice gave away Flynn's mood, which was beyond peeved.

"You ever pull a stunt like that again," Flynn said, switching back to Basic as he wound down and the red in his face turned to pink and then back to its natural spacer's tan. The merc blew out a heavy sigh and turned to Swagger, who was almost done smoking a death stick, so that gives you an idea of how long Flynn's tirade went on. "You got anything to add?"

Swagger shook his head and stubbed the cherry of his smoke out in his hand. He did this sometimes when he wanted to make a point without needing to say a word. And Cal got it, thanks to Atton's detailed explanation.

Cal apologized again, even though to some his tone might have been misinterpreted as flippant and sarcastic. Swagger frowned as he entertained the idea of Jedi bashing, but decided to ignore him, but did gesture to his ship. He and Flynn turned and went inside. Cal and his crew followed after a short pause.

"Brig," Swagger snapped.

Cal hung his head and started toward the brig. Smirking and executing an eyeroll at the same time, Vasa added, "Nope, although the idea of locking you up forever is tempting. I just meant the brig's got the most room, so you and your crew can bunk there."

Atton took Cal by the arm and tugged him away before he could get them into any more trouble. Cal looked pensive when they entered the brig, which he had to admit was spacious. Flynn appeared behind them and tossed them sleep cots.

"Some of you might have to share." Flynn lingered for a moment as if debating whether or not he should return to his natural sunny self, and he decided he would. Flynn never held a grudge long. "Lucky for you Swag put a tracking device on the _Hawk,_ so we are hot on her tail."

"Where's she headed?" Atton's brown eyes narrowed in concern.

"Why did he put a tracking device on our ship?" Mira's question came a split second after Atton's.

"Swag always does that when he's hunting." The big merc shrugged. "We haven't removed it yet, so it'll lead us to your ship and the culprit who stole her." He directed a glance to Atton. "As to your question, the ship is on an erratic course. Swag's tracking her, but he told me she's headed to space not on any of the star charts."

"Glitch space." Atton kept his voice to a mutter. "I'll bet we're headed to another game...again."

" Relax. According to the coordinates, we're headed toward Citadel Station." Swagger's announcement, as he entered the brig, made Cal and his crew relax a little, although they were still wary around the volatile man.

"That won't be so bad." Atton's relief was palpable. "We just need to stay away from the Ithorian Embassy or they'll have you doing all sorts of things for them, Cal. You need to learn how to say 'no'."

"No." Cal's prompt response took Atton by surprise. Cal grinned snarkily at him. "See? I know how to say it."

"You are such a pain in the butt." Atton strode to his cot and flopped down on it, bringing his hand over his eyes to shut out the light and the sight of Cal.

Mira patted her cot. "Guess we'll have to share, old guy." At her teasing smile, Cal only sighed at being called old again.

"How long before we get there?" Visas sank down on her cot and reclined.

Swagger jerked a thumb at Flynn and returned to the cockpit. The merc leaned against the wall. "He's not in the mood to answer your questions. Should be in another hour, so nap, watch a holo vid, whatever ya want." He shook a finger at them each in turn. "And it would be best if you stayed in here until we land." His fingers closed into a fist when he came to Cal. "As for you, Jedi…" He bit back a wave of frustrated anger. "You try to stay out of his way and out of trouble, or I'll put your backside on ice."

Cal shuddered at the thought. "I'll be good."

Flynn scowled. Was the Jedi really contrite? He almost sounded like he was mocking Flynn.

Cal and Mira cuddled and fell asleep holding each other. Atton found a porno holo-vid to occupy his time. Yes, he could be a pervert at times. Visas meditated. Bao-Dur busied himself changing his lightsaber crystal from blue to orange. Saunter was still out from his juma binge, and snoring loudly.

Flynn stayed right outside the brig, serving as an unofficial guard. It really was for their own good because Swagger had not yet forgiven Cal. At least he was past the skinning the Jedi alive stage.

So, when Flynn overheard the following conversation, he had to place his hand over his mouth to stop from laughing out loud.

He heard Cal's soft Talravian accented voice. "Atton, I have an idea."

"Should I be worried?"

"If Swagger comes after me to kill me, I'll just play dead."

Flynn wheezed into his hand and tears cascaded down his cheeks.

"You'll do _what_?" The pilot sounded more incredulous than normal.

"Yeah," Cal warmed to the idea. "See, he comes in and I fall over and play dead and he thinks 'Oh, he must've died from fright because I am the almighty Vasa', so he'll just walk away."

"Please tell me you're joking!"

"No, I'm not joking, Atton. This could work! He'll think I'm dead, and the beauty part is, since he's already been paid the bounty for me, he won't be able to turn me in again for the bounty. What do you think?"

"I think you have finally lost your last marble."

Flynn had to leave or he would've bust his gut rather than busta move. He went to the cockpit and saw Swagger motion for him to stay silent. The voices from the brig filtered over the intercom.

Swagger switched it off and swiveled his pilot's seat around to regard his partner. "I think a lesson is in order."

"Can I vid-cam it?" Flynn pleaded, looking like a small boy who not only wanted to catch Cal with his hand in the cookie jar, but to record it for all posterity when Swagger cut it off—well, figuratively speaking.

"Let's go. I was going to just stay away from him until I cooled off, but, he just had to push it." Vasa swaggered from the cockpit with Flynn behind him, holding a vid-cam.

When the bounty hunter reached the brig, he found Cal and Atton deep in conversation. Atton, no doubt, was trying to talk Cal out of his stupid plan. Swagger stepped into the brig and cleared his throat, putting on his most menacing face as he drew his blaster.

"I think it's time for payback, Jedi."

His sinister growl dripped with venom. Cal forgot for a moment what he had planned to do, and then he dropped to the deck, doing passable death throes, adding a death throttle in his throat; his eyes rolled back into his head and then he went limp.

Everyone froze except for Vasa and Flynn, who held the vid-cam so he could get a close up of the X's over Cal's closed eyes. "Just like when those little Lego fellas die," he commented, and thought, _Nice touch._

"Damn, Swag. You musta scared the poor Jedi to death. What are we going to do with his body?" He asked in mock concern.

"Damned if I know, Flynnie." Swagger gave it some consideration, wondering how long Cal could hold his breath. "Flush it out the airlock, I guess. I can't have his stinking corpse on my ship."

Two X's flew into space as Cal's eyes popped open and he sat up. "I'm feeling much better!"

"Well, ain't that lucky?" Flynn zoomed in for a close-up of the terror on Cal's face.

"A miracle some might say." Swagger did not lower his blaster.

"I, uh, think I'll go for a walk now." Cal reached for Atton's hand, but Atton received a shake of the head from Swagger. The bounty hunter placed a boot on Cal's chest and shoved the Jedi flat on the floor. Swagger leaned down until they were almost nose to nose, and placed the blaster against Cal's heart.

"No more."

Swagger's low hiss should have clued Cal in, but he was inept when it came to (well, almost anything). "No more what?"

All of Cal's crew groaned in unison.

"No more of _that_!" Swagger rolled his eyes at his vid-happy partner as if to say _Do you believe this guy?_

Atton's breath caught in his throat when he saw Cal start to use the Force on the bounty hunter. A hand rose and then fell to the Jedi's side as if he had second thoughts.

"I know it's hard to believe, but Cal really is that dumb." Atton dared to speak up. "Right, guys?"

There were several nods of varying degrees of enthusiasm. Mira glared at Swagger, but she had to admit Cal was not the brightest. "Sorry, honey, but you're so dumb, when you have a brainstorm it's only a drizzle."

Bao raised his hand and Flynn nodded, zooming in on him. "He's so dumb, if he tried to commit suicide he'd jump out the basement window."

It was Saunter's turn, although he was still suffering from a terrible headache and felt bad making fun of Cal, but this opportunity was just too good to miss. "Cal's so dumb that he put a paper in front of the holo-set and thought he was watching Pay-Per-View."

Atton raised his hand. "Ooh! I've got one! Cal's so dumb he stares at an OJ can just because it says 'concentrate'."

"Hey!" Cal's objection was a little breathless since Swagger's boot was still on his chest. "Can I get up now?"

Vasa smirked. "_May_ I get up now?"

Cal frowned. "Well, you're half way there. All you have to do is straighten and you'll be up. Now, can _**I**_ get up now?"

Swagger met Flynn's gaze and snorted in amusement. "He _is_ that dumb."

_(Director says, "Cue music.")_

Microphones fell from the ceiling like oxygen bags when a plane is about to crash. Each passenger took one and began to sing.

_You're so dumb,_

_You don't even know this song is about you._

_You're so dumb,_

_You don't even know this song is about you._

_Do you? Do you?_

"And I got it all on vid. We can enter it on Republic's Funniest Vids and win 10,000 credits." Flynn beamed at Cal.

Swagger removed his boot from Cal's chest and even helped him to his feet. He stepped aside so Flynn could get a parting shot, not wanting to tell his partner that the vid would have to remain in his private collection.

As if he'd read Swagger's mind, Flynn winked. "I can doctor the time so they will think it was _before_ you killed him." He put "killed" in air quotes.

"Whatever." Swagger put away his blaster, stretched and popped his neck to release some of the tension he always felt when he was around Cal. "This is my last warning," he added as he left the brig.

Atton wiped his forehead. "Whew! That was too close."

Saunter fell back on his cot and groaned. "I think I'm dying."

Cal smirked and Atton, without thinking, waved his hand to send Force healing to the kid. "So, this is good." Cal beamed a smile at his pilot friend. "Citadel orbits Telos IV, so, once we land we'll just have to find a way to get down to the surface and then I'll confront Atris and rescue HM."

"What about the _Hawk_?" Atton cast a sly look at the Jedi. "I mean, you have to rescue your droids, buddy."

Cal shook his head so forcefully he had to push the waves of dark lustrous hair back from his face. "No. I promised Hiro I would not cheat anymore; that I would follow the game's rules."

Atton was literally in shock. Cal was _not_ going to save his droids?

Mira affectionately clapped Cal on the back. "My old man has to rescue the fair damsel in distress. It's just in his nature." Her smile turned feral. "But if I even catch you so much as making heavy eye rap with her, Cally-wally, I'll make you regret it."

Flynn came in just long enough to tell them they were coming out of hyperspace and to get ready to disembark. The tracking device aboard the _Ebon Hawk _was transmitting and Swagger informed Flynn over the intercom to strap in for reversal into Telos IV space.

Flynn hurried to the cockpit, skidding to a stop, his mouth falling open. It was almost comical, but Swagger was doing exactly the same thing.

"That's _not_ our Citadel Station, is it, Swag?"

Swagger's eyes blazed. "Nope. I knew I never should've taken that Jedi on board. He screws up everything."

Atton was just coming back from using the refresher when he glanced out the port viewscreen and froze. "What the...? Cal! Guys! You better see this!"

Cal and the crew rushed to Atton's side and all of them had the same reaction. Saunter was the first one to find his voice. "This can't be right."

"That doesn't look like Citadel Station." Cal gulped. "Uh-oh."

"Uh-oh? The one thing I do _not_ want to hear is uh-oh coming from you." Atton fought the desire to bang his head against the ship's wall.

"Look at that sqatty looking thing out there." Mira pointed. "Is that a ship?"

"I have a bad feeling about this."

Everybody turned toward Atton. "Don't say that!!"

"What is that thing?" Bao wrinkled his forehead.

* * *

The woman earned curious glances from nearby crew as she snapped orders while she confidently strode to the cockpit. She knew her voice was sharp, even cutting, but it was to conceal her real voice—her true identity. Her real voice was as soft and undulating as her walk. To hide that, the tone and beautiful accent were changed to the Earthborn woman she was supposed to be.

It was unconscious, but she always spoke with the same depth and certainty. There was power in her words, backed by what this 'verse called biotic mass effects. It seemed foreign to her. She missed her old voice, her old life. She missed…_him._

The grey eyes that met her crews' were as cold as a blustery day on Xawin. Her gaze could be rated a Level 2 Cold Hazard. Commander Shepard kept her thoughts bottled up inside her like she always did. She knew some of the crew referred to her as the Ice Princess—unapproachable, unattainable.

"Commander." Kaidan Alenko waved to her. "Citadel is comming us, ma'am. There's an unidentified ship requesting landing clearance."

"So?" Shepard really disliked being called ma'am even though she knew it was proper protocol.

Alenko tried to make eye rap and she frowned slightly. Ever since she'd met...

"The pilot reports there's someone on board who says he knows you. Uh…X Cal I'bur is the name. Sound familiar?"

A small smile played about her mouth and her eyes defrosted. "I'll speak to Citadel Control in the conference room. Carry on."

She tried to keep her stride to its familiar gait and not to rush to the circular room where private communications could be sent. She tried to still her racing heart. She spoke to Citadel and used her Spectre status to clear the way for _The Seeker_ to be given clearance to land.

The door hissed open and she found herself alone with Kaidan, something that had been happening on a regular frequency. She really liked the lieutenant with his dark good looks and gentle raspy voice, and, yes there was a spark, but...

"Breaking regs, aren't you, LT?" She called him by the nickname Ash had given him.

"Sorry, um, Shepard, but it just came to me. We met this guy during some really bizarre circumstances, on some moon called Dxun, and in one of the Wards elevators. Am I right?"

"Your point?" she asked sharply.

Kaidan bit his lower lip, rubbed his forehead, pulled his shoulders back, and this was all it took for Shepard to know he was about to ask her something she would regret.

"This guy—do you two have a past?" He sounded worried. Or jealous.

She rubbed her own forehead, trying to erase the deep frown line that always seemed to be there. "Remember when I was on Eden Prime and the Prothean beacon zapped me with the visions?" She didn't wait for a response. "Well, I saw his face. So, I don't know whether I know him or am destined to know him. Does that make any sense?"

Kaidan's face flushed and his dark eyes looked sad. "But...what about us, Shepard?"

She touched his face gently, then withdrew her hand as if his skin burned her fingers. "I don't know. All I do know is, I have to talk to him. Maybe he knows something about the Conduit. Maybe he can help us stop Saren."

"But..Comman—Shepard, I can see he means something to you."

_(Cue music)_

_Some enchanted vision,_

_You may see a stranger._

_You may see a stranger _

_With soft eyes of brown_

_And somehow you know…_

_You know even then,_

_That somehow you'll see him again and again._

Kaidan gently took her hands and continued the song.

_Some enchanted mission,_

_You may meet your true love._

_Though she's only part biotic_

_And that makes you neurotic._

_But somehow you know…_

_You know even then,_

_That she's the one to help you love again._

They gazed soulfully into each other's eyes.

_Who can explain it?_

_Who can tell us why?_

_Fools like Atton give us reasons_

_Others never try..._

"Uh, sorry to interrupt the—" Joker's voice came over the comm. "Did my ears deceive me, or was that singing, Commander? C-Sec is holding the crew of that ship until your arrival." Joker sounded way too gleeful about catching them together again.

Kaidan let go of Shepard's hands and stepped back. "What's with the singing?"

Shepard shook her head. "I don't know, but when I saw his face in the vision I also heard snippets of songs—lots of songs."

As she made her way out of the communications room, she saw XO Pressley and the rest of the crew doing some strange movements and singing at the top of their lungs.

_In the Alliance Navy_

_You get to go to the Traverse._

_In the Alliance Navy_

_You fight the geth until it hurts._

(and)

_It's fun to be with an NC7!_

_It's fun to be with an NC7!_

_Got the prettiest eyes, _

_Her armor molds her thighs,_

_Makes all the men vent sighs…_

Shepard put a stop to their singing antics immediately, although the tunes were catchy and got into her head like the…what the hell?

Joker, at the helm was wagging his head and singing as well:

_Well, I can fly the ship,_

_And give the Captain lip,_

_And do most anything. Ooh!_

_But don't touch my legs, my achy breaky legs._

_They're the only part of me that'll let ya down, ooh!_

"Uh, Joker…" Kaiden started, and Joker immediately changed to another song.

_I can't dance; I can't walk._

_Only thing about me is my smart-ass talk._

_I can't dance; I can't sing._

_I just sit here flying...._

He stopped when he saw Shepard was on the bridge_._

Shepard could not believe her pilot Jeff "Joker" Moreau had joined in what seemed to be an epidemic of songs. Now she had two more stuck in her head.

She hurried out of the ship, electing not to take any of her crew with her, took the lo----oooong elevator ride, checked her appearance in the glass right before she alighted and tried to control the accelerated beating of her heart. She had not been able to forget Cal since Dxun.

He was sitting alone on one of the benches with a couple of C-Sec guards nearby, but they were chatting amiably with him, and one even pumped his hand before he left as Shepard arrived.

"Cal?"

Her voice, of it's own accord, softened and regained its accent. His head―with the tousled curls she remembered―lifted so that he could look at her, and he slowly stood. She took in the sight of him. No male should be this gorgeous! Brown eyes met hers and she fought down a little girl's simpering laugh. She was a Spectre!

Cal smiled, adding even more to his attractiveness. She stood frozen as he walked to her. Warm hands cradled her face and his lips were a breath apart from hers.

"Bastila! My love!"

She had to remember who and what she was. Once, she had been a Jedi Padawan and had fallen deeply in love with the Exile, but that was a long time ago. She could not give in. She could not...

Her fingers traveled through his silky hair as she drew his head down so she could reach his lips. She really should not kiss him in public. She really should not kiss him at all.

"Oh, bloody hell!" Bastila planted her lips firmly on his and kissed him until the whole room spun on its axis and she had to hold on to him or she would have swooned.

"Bastila." Her name sounded so reverent—his tone so happy. "How did you get away from Revan?"

"There's a reason why his name is Luce Canon." Bastila stroked his cheek, feeling the slight stubble, blushing like a school girl. "Canon says Revan goes off to find the True Sith and he and I are separated. I waited six years and heard nothing."

"That could be because they never made KotOR 3." Cal gently brushed his lips over hers again.

She nodded. "I suppose, but we were having problems. He...tricked me into marrying him, as you recall."

_(Flashback from Luck Be A Smuggler Tonight_)

Admiral Dodonna performed the ceremony, telling the brides to repeat after her and then the grooms. _Why, oh why, do they insist on having this part?_

"If there is anyone in this company who objects, let him speak now or forever hold his peace." There was a collective silence. It was just being polite because nobody objected.

Except one….

Darth Revan stood at the end of the aisle. He contemptuously waved his hands, freezing everyone in stasis. Everyone, that is, except Bastila. He strode down the path to stand before her. He freed Admiral Dodonna.

"Marry us," he said imperiously.

When she started to object, he used the Force to choke her slightly until she nodded her agreement.

Bastila tried to pull away as he grabbed her hand. "Luce, no! You can't force me to marry you!"

"I won't be," he said with supreme confidence, smirking down at her. "It was your darkness that drew me to you that day on the bridge. It was not mine that called out to you, Bastila. It was yours calling out to me, and I answered. I see Cal's destiny, and it is not with you. Your destiny lies with me. You belong to me, body and soul."

"Do you love me?" Her voice caught on a sob. "B-because Cal does!"

"Cal loves the idea of you, and although his feelings are true, you would soon tire of such a sweet, gentle man. You want me, a man of fire, a man of passion, to awaken it inside you. Yes, Bastila," he affirmed. "I do love you. I love everything about you, and I embrace the dark kernel within you. Only with me can you be free of the Jedi, of their Code, of their control over your life. Join with me, Bastila. The Star Forge has been destroyed, but it does not mean I have given up."

"Luce, I…"

"Marry me." He took Cal's diamond from her finger and replaced it with a ruby that glowed with the evil power of the dark side.

Bastila bowed her head, tears dripping off her chin. She was terrified when she saw her white dress had changed into slinky black. After what felt like a very long time, she took Revan's arm and nodded to Admiral Dodonna to continue the ceremony.

"I now pronounce you husband and wife."

Luce kissed her and pulled her down the aisle. They were gone when the stasis wore off the stunned crowd. Cal gazed down at the engagement ring on the ground, and he did not even bend down to pick it up.

"Cal, I am so sorry!" Jaden was revolted at what her brother had done.

He shook his head sorrowfully, and then walked away with his head down, shoulders slumped. Admiral Dodonna pronounced Carth and Jaden husband and wife, and their friends gathered around to congratulate them, trying to put Luce and Bastila out of their minds.

_(Back to the present)_

Cal kissed her tears away. "What Luce did was wrong, but you did nothing, Bas-mia. You were under his spell."

"You can forgive me?"

He took her hands. "Of course! I've never been able to forget you, but I thought you were lost to me." He looked puzzled. "How did you get here?"

"Well, I needed a new gig since nobody ever came up with K3, and I needed a job, so when I heard about this one from Bioware I tried out for the part and got it, but they told me the accent would have to be different. And now I am Commander Shepard, with a different first name depending on who is playing the game, and I can look different according to the mods." She looked concerned, as if she was afraid he would be zapped away from her any moment. "How did you get here, Cal?"

"On a ship."

"Could you elaborate on that a little for me?" She had forgotten how addlepated he could be. When she'd known him, he had not been quite so dumb.

"_The Seeker._ Remember Swagger Vasa? You met him in Jaden's story."

She fanned herself. "Oh, you mean Vasa! Six-feet-one-inch tall―wore black pants and an open black flak vest, leaving lots of bare, tanned, muscular and toned skin for a girl to view." She wiped a drop of sweat from her brow. "The guy with leather bands on his upper arms, which, as I recall, were an incredible mix of bulging muscles and lean sinews." Another drop of sweat followed the first. "The man with the six-pack that could give Brad Pitt in _Thelma and Louise_ a run for his money." She caught her breath before she hyperventilated. "That Vasa?"

Cal nodded, feeling glum. Vasa and his damned muscles! "That's him, but he's kinda let himself go. Potbelly, put on some weight, wears suspenders and he has lifts in his boots. He's not really that tall."

Bastila gasped. She was looking past Cal.

The Jedi gulped. "He's right behind me, isn't he?"

"No, but there's a red-haired woman, who, if looks could kill, you'd be dead and so would I."

"Uh-oh." Cal turned to face Mira. "Hi. How long have you been standing there?"

"Long enough, you jerk! Is _this_ Bustila you keep mooning over?" Mira circled Bastila, her hands close to her blasters. "Honey, I'll give you fair warning, this man is mine and I won't give him up without a fight!"

"Are you...?" Bastila's grey eyes turned to ice again as she glared at Cal. "Have you been...?" The words caught in her clenched teeth. "You said you never forgot me! You bounder!" She put her hands against his chest and shoved him. "You cad!" She screeched and tore away from him.

"Wait!"

Mira seized Cal's arm before he could move. "You take one more step after her and we are through!"

Cal looked like he was watching a tennis match, his head swung to the right where Bastila was headed to the elevator to take her to the docking bay, back to Mira, whose fingernails dug into his arm. Zip! Zap! Love-zero.

"Choose, Cal! I do _not_ share my man." Mira's green eyes sparked into emerald flames.

"But..."

Bastila's back was to him as the glass door glided up. She never turned to look at him, and she was soon taken out of sight.

"Cal, buddy." Atton put a hand on Cal's shoulder. "You're better off, dude. She's stuck here. If she goes back to the _Star Wars_ 'verse Revan will regain his control over her. She's better off here."

"But... But…"

Bao nodded. "It's the right thing to do, General. I know it's hard, but it's the best thing for her and you."

Flynn and Swagger exchanged looks, but did not say anything. C-Sec had released them on Shepard's word.

"Cal?" Mira's voice softened. "I love you."

"But... But… But…"

Flynn turned to Swagger. "Sounds like a motor boat, doesn't he?"

"Cal!" Mira shouted loud enough to make every head in the vicinity turn.

Cal dashed into the elevator and hit "A" to close the door and start its long, slow, tedious, never-ending, elevator-music filled journey. He was in agony all the time it took to reach the docking bay. Bastila was just entering her ship.

(Cue music—mood lighting. Director's voice :"Sing your heart out, Cal!")

_And there's no mountain too high, no river too wide.  
Sing out this song and I'll be there by your side.  
Storm clouds may gather, and games may collide,  
But I love you until the end of time_

Bastila turned to face him, tears cascading down her lovely face. She had a singing voice that could remove paint, but Cal was the only one who did not mind.__

Come what may, come what may.  
I will love you until my dying dayyyyyy.

Cal rushed to her and took her in his arms and they gazed lovingly into each other's eyes.

"Come with me, Cal. I'm a Spectre. I can get you added to my crew without any red tape."

Thoughts of what he needed to do snow-balled him for a moment. Her mention of _red tape_ got his mind going in another direction. "Why do you need to avoid tape, and why is it red?" He made a face after he said it as if even he could not believe how dumb that sounded.

Bastila actually giggled. "You are so cute when you're clueless." She gently pulled him inside the ship. "Come with me, Cal."

He cast a look back over his shoulder. She did not see the smug expression that flitted over his face for a moment. Cal had promised Hiro to follow the rules of the game, but that did not apply since he was no longer in his game. He knew Atton and the others in his crew would rescue HM. Well, he hoped. As to his droids...who cared?

The doors to the _SSV Normandy _closed behind them. Bastila looked in the lockers and found him a uniform.

When they were finally aboard, she introduced him as a new recruit, Lt. Cal I'bur, taking delight in acquainting him with her crew. Garrus he'd met, but the huge hulk Wrex made Cal blink in surprise several times. "He's like a Mandalorian, only not humanoid. And why is Alenko glaring at me?"

"Because you are stepping on his toes."

Cal glanced down. His feet were nowhere near Alenko's toes. He started to point this out to her when the pilot, Joker, made some snide comment about the "probie".

"Why does he call me that?"

Bastila laughed softly. "Joker can be acerbic in his wit, but it comes from pain and worry that his disease..."

"He has a disease?" Cal asked in shock, stepping away from the pilot.

"Yeah, it's called 'brittle bone disease'." Joker's announcement made Cal feel bad about stepping back.

"Can't anything be done for you?"

"Other than hobbling around on crutches the rest of my life? No."

"I mean..." Cal stopped and whispered the rest to Bastila. "Couldn't you use the Force to heal him?"

Her eyebrows rose. "I have biotics in this traverse, Cal. Do you still have the Force?"

He nodded. "Shall I give it a try?"

She shrugged. "It's a major plot twist, but you never were one to stick to the rules. Go ahead."

Cal sneaked up behind Joker and laid his hands on him, sending the healing power of the Force into his body, strengthening the bones, removing every bit of the disease from his body.

"Uh, excuse me, but you have heard of personal space?" Joker turned to regard Cal, peering up at him from under the brim of his cap.

Cal stepped back and grabbed the crutches Joker had placed beside his station.

"Hey, pal, taking a cripple's crutches is just wrong!" Kaidan stood up, anger in his eyes.

"If he wants them, he has to come and get them." Cal smiled his encouragement at Joker. "Come on, man, you can do it!"

"If he falls, he could have multiple breaks." Ashley Williams was on the bridge, although she normally never strayed from the garage.

Joker waved his hands. "I've dealt with his kind before." He stood slowly. "If I break anything, it's coming out of your salary, jerk."

He took one step. And then another. Astonishment writhed on his face as he took another step as strength coursed into his legs. He went from baby steps to a confident stride, and decked Cal when he reached him.

"Joker, you can walk?!" Kaidan and Ash chorused.

"I.. guess I can." Joker sent a small smile to Cal, who was being helped up by Garrus and Wrex.

Cal's eyes flashed angrily for a second and then he smiled back. "You'll be fine now. I-uh, have medical training and, um..."

Bastila shook her head. "Don't even try to explain it." She dismissed the rest of the crew and they returned to their stations. "I will need to debrief our recruit. Joker, I'll have XO Pressley set the course for Therum. We need to find Dr. T'Soni."

And once she got him alone in her quarters, Bastila did strip Cal down to his debriefs.

Meanwhile...

Flynn glared at the _SSV Normandy_ as she drifted from the docking bay and soon became a speck in the sky. He glanced at Swagger, who was smoking his second death stick, and then at Atton, who looked as flummoxed as Flynn felt, and then the others who had been abandoned.

"Should we have seen this coming?"

Atton crossed to the elevator and banged his head on the side. "No, I never would have thought he was capable of doing this. He's been different ever since he got his memory back."

"We need to get our hands on a guide to this frackin' game so we can tell where the hell that frackin' Jedi went." Swagger tossed the dead death stick away and lit a fresh one.

"Yeah, without him, I have a bad feeling we're stuck here." Atton rubbed his head. Smacking it against the elevator hadn't been the best idea he'd had all day.

Mira's eyes were rimmed with red. "I cannot believe he threw me over for that hussy!"

"I can't believe he chose her over his droids…uh…us." Atton grabbed the death stick Swagger had just lit and inhaled deeply, choking and wheezing, but still making a valiant effort. "I—cough-hack!—need this more than you, Vasa!"

Saunter hung his head. "I thought he liked me—like I was the brother he always wanted."

"That was my last death stick!" Swagger didn't want it back after Atton had put it in his mouth. He wondered if they had death sticks in this 'verse.

"Well, we got us some tasks at hand," Flynn decided. "So we can either stay here and whine or get to it."

"I vote we stay here and whine," Bao shrugged when they treated him to harsh looks.

"I heard something about a Shadow Broker, so I say we find him. He might be able to get us a copy of the guide we need, or tell us where Shepard's gone off to." Flynn looked around to see if there were any maps handy to show them the way to the Shadow Broker.

Swagger placed a hand firmly between Flynn's shoulder blades. "We also need to find a decent bar. I need a drink."

Atton nodded. "I second that!"

Saunter shuddered. He thought, after the bar fiasco on Nar Shaddaa, he might never drink hard liquor again. "Maybe they'll have something non-alcoholic?"

Bao nodded. "I don't drink, but after this, I'm willing to give it a try."

"Really?" Saunter was astonished. "You don't drink? Don't you get awfully dehydrated?"

Swagger smirked. "Cal used to drink milk."

Flynn scowled. "Less said about that fella the better."

"Cal drank milk because he had an ulcer." Atton's brows rose. "_Why_ am I defending him?"

"Yeah, the jerk!" Mira returned to the elevator, but would not look at anyone.

"Traitor!" Flynn followed and put a sympathetic arm about her and Mira cried into his shoulder.

"Dead man." Swagger stalked inside.

"Ex-friend!" It was the best Atton could do since he had been Cal's friend the longest.

"General." Bao's sad attempt made everyone groan.

Saunter was the last inside. He was too upset to say a word.

And so the hunt for (no, not Red October) the Mass Effect Guide begins, and Cal and Bastila are together sharing adventures. But will he really leave his crew? Can he be that Cal-lous? Can he break the rules of not one game but two? Can he put his love for Bastila over everything and everyone else?

Who the heck knows with this guy?! This is Cal we're talking about! Stay tuned and find out.

_A/N I have been wanting to do a cross-over and this will segue into that, but not until the K2 part is done. __**Still do not own anything**__. Well, I own half a house and share a computer with my roomie and, well, you get my drift. Thanks in advance for any reviews. And to those who add my stories to their alerts and faves, a special thanks as well. As to the faithful few, hope I never disappoint you._

20


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15:**

**Less Effect**

Commander Shepard, aka Bastila Shan in 'nother verse, pushed out of Cal's arms. They were in their unmentionables and had not "done the deed" because the crew kept interrupting them. Sighing, Bastila turned to answer yet another summons from Admiral Hackett, telling her she had at least fifty side missions lined up.

"Admiral Hackett here, Shepard... and blah, blah, blah." Shepard, once known also as Shenko because she and Kaidan were fast becoming an item, logged the new entry. She turned to regard Cal, who was sitting on her bunk, and froze.

"Cal, what happened to your tattoo?"

He looked startled, as if he had forgotten all about it. "Um-mmm." He smiled, but it was not a nice smile. It was a calculating grin that told her she was right to have felt certain things lacking in this man she'd once known and loved.

She surreptitiously opened the comm channel in her quarters so Joker could overhear what was taking place and send help. She kept her distance from "Cal", but made sure she didn't look like she was keeping her distance—she was acting casual. She stayed alert, hoping Kaidan, Garrus, Tali or Ash―or all of them―would show up to get her tail out of the fire.

"What you did for Joker was so nice, Cal." She tried to keep the nervousness out of her voice.

"Tell me about Revan." Cal's voice, she noticed now, was slightly different. It wasn't the Cal she knew. "Where did he go? How long ago did you see him?"

**RED ALERT!**!(0f course in this site the red will be changed to black, so maybe I should change that to **BLACK ALERT!!?)** flashed in front of her eyes. Cal would not consider Revan a subject they should discuss.

"Cal, we're together after all this time." She was finding it harder to maintain her casual attitude. "Do you really want to talk about Revan?"

"Revan is known to be the most powerful Jedi in this or any other galaxy." The game was over and she was seeing a stranger appear. How could she have ever thought he was her beloved Cal? "I want his power." The imposter poked a finger at her and she felt a searing pain as the skin on her left temple was sliced open and a cut began to spread across her forehead.

And then, she called on the biotics she'd been implanted with and, at that same instant, Kaidan rushed in and unleashed his full strength throw while she used singularity. The fake Cal was caught in the vortex of her power and lifted from the bed to float helplessly near the ceiling. When he came down hard on the deck, Garrus slammed the stock of his assault rifle into his head and he and Ash dragged him from her quarters. Still shaking but getting control of it, she told them to lock the imposter in the brig for transport back to Citadel Station.

She stood there a moment, shivering, blood dripping from her forehead. Kaidan gently helped her dress and took her to see Dr. Chakwas. He stayed beside her, holding her hand as the doctor gave her a medgel treatment.

"What happened, Commander?" Kaidan's face could be so sensitive at times. His dark eyes told Shepard he wanted to trust, but he held back because of all the hurt he'd experienced during the Conatix company experiments on Jump Zero. His face was almost always half in shadow, which Shepard supposed added to the mystery of the man. But she was digressing... With a sigh, she got back on track.

"He pretended to be a man I used to be in love with." She put her face in her hands as she sat up. "Kaidan, I don't know who I love anymore."

"Then...there's hope...for us?" he asked hopefully.

She lifted a finger as if telling him to hold his thought a moment. "Joker," she clicked on the comm. "Back to the Citadel, Mister. Tell C-Sec we have a prisoner for them."

"Commander, C-Sec?" Garrus's mandibles twitched like they did when he was feeling emotion of some sort. His face was hard to read because his features were so flat and expressionless, but his tone of voice told her he was upset. "They won't be able to contain someone with such power!"

"Sedate him," she told Dr. Chakwas. "Heavily." Then she told Garrus, "Tell C-Sec to keep him sedated until we interrogate him." Once more she turned away from Garrus. How could he have such a slender, wasp-like waist when she couldn't do that no matter how much she dieted or exercised. He made her so jealous.

Garrus's one blue eye―the one _not_ concealed by the sniper occular eye piece―blinked, and if a turian could smile, he did. "Interrogate? May I be of assistance in that, Commander?"

She smiled. "Of course." She used her suit radio to contact Joker again. "Joker, have C-Sec track down the men and woman that were on that ship _The Seeker. _Tell them to keep her in lock-down. I want them all hauled in for questioning."

"What about Wrex?" Ash asked. She had come in to see how Shepard was. They'd been girl buds ever since Ash and Shepard had celebrated Armistice Day by getting smashed on illegal hooch.

"Good idea, Ash." Shepard requested that Joker send Wrex, the bounty hunter they'd left on the Citadel, to capture _The Seeker_'s crew. The krogan battle master would be a formidable foe, and even Vasa might consider not fighting the massive warrior.

"You'll be fine, Commander," Dr. Chakwas told her as she stepped back. "All scans normal. No damage."

Shepard nodded her thanks. Everyone cleared out except Kaidan, who wanted an answer to his question.

(Cue music, Director also cues Kaidan.)

_If you change__ your mind, I'm the first in line.  
Shepard, I'm still free._

_Take a chance on me.  
If you need me, let me know, gonna be around.  
If you've got no place to go, if you're feeling down...._

_* * *_

"Bar. Now." Swagger led the way out of the elevator and to the Wards, and no, they were not the mental wards. His head was aching from all the announcements and elevator music whenever they rode in the damned, slow things. A Hutt moved faster than any elevator on the Citadel.

He was tracking the _Ebon Hawk_ so he could find the jerk who'd stolen her and take some of his frustration out on him. Trouble was, the ship was not docked in this flower petal, but on another of the flower petals. _(OK, who out there doesn't see the station as a big flower with a hole in the_ _middle?) _He was out of death sticks and no one on this forsaken place smoked it seemed. The millions of credits he had accumulated from Cal's bounty were not good here. He was out of patience, broke, and needed a stiff drink. Not necessarily in that order.

"Swag, there's a Medical Clinic." Flynn grabbed Vasa by the arm and steered him inside the clinic. "Maybe the doc can give you something for your headache."

They stopped, overhearing a conversation, the gist of which was that the doctor was being blackmailed by somebody. Swagger made a gesture that told his crew that the first one who moved to volunteer for another quest—they had already collected several just by riding the elevators―would find their faces looking like a Picasso reject.

"Aw, she's in trouble."

Swagger groaned as Kit Flynn, notorious ladies man, moved forward. "How can we help you, little missy?"

Atton did a passable Vasa smirk of his own as he elbowed Mira in the ribcage. "Looks like your new possible likes redheads." He indicated Flynn and the doctor. "All redheads."

Mira made a sound that was close to a shriek and left the clinic. Swagger pointed at Saunter, a non-verbal communication that told the young man to go after her.

Dr. Michel smoothed her red hair back from her face and saucily eyed Flynn. "What can I do for you?"

"Hey, we don't need an appointment?" Flynn smiled, at his most charming. "By any chance, do you take creds from another galaxy?" When she shook her head, he sighed heavily. "Then maybe we can do you a favor for a favor." He indicated Swagger, who was prowling the clinic, fingers pressed to his temples. "My friend has a bad headache."

She regarded Swagger a moment and nodded, telling him to take off his shirt and lie down on the examination table.

"Why do I have to take off my shirt for you to treat a headache?" Vasa groused.

"Because I want a look at those abs and chest and..." Dr. Michel's bosums heaved under the outfit she wore―which looked like a reject from the 1970s. I mean, Nehru collars, come on! She injected him with some kind of pain killer and he was off the table and pulling on his shirt in a matter of seconds, much to her dismay.

"Feel better?" Flynn thought he had just lost some points to Swag's muscles again.

The bounty hunter nodded. "We'll take care of this for ya, doc, as payment for the shot."

She smiled. "Be careful. His name is Morlan and you'll find him in the Lower Markets."

"By any chance, do you have a guide to this game? You know, tells ya where to go, what missions, what to wear,what weapons to use, who to pick up, dialogue, cheats??" Flynn was disappointed when she gave him a funny look and then said no.

Swagger found navigating the Wards was not difficult because there were neon signs all over the place, that, when approached, lit up with instructions on how to reach places like **Chora's Den, Flux, **and the** Markets**. He knew they were only supposed to take three characters to a fight, but screw that! Vasa did not play by anybody else's rules. Besides, if they wanted him to play by any rules, they'd have to provide a guide that said so.

Morlan was some being called a salarian, a merchant, meek and mild, kinda like the Clark Kent of aliens, but also resembling the blue and grey aliens who supposedly visited Earth back in the 20th century. The eyelids fluttered up instead of down, which Swagger found disconcerting. He leaned close over the counter and told Morlan what he'd come for.

"But this is not right, human. I was supposed to meet with the doctor."

"I knew you'd screw this up, Morlan." A huge hulk with beady eyes encased in armor (OMG!! _He's _wearing the armor, not his _eyes_!) lumbered into view. The voice was deep and menacing.

Flynn snuck quietly behind the huge warrior and went down on his hands and knees. Swagger rushed the krogan and knocked him over Flynn. The hulk landed on his immense backside with a roar that shook the place.

Atton grabbed up a gun Morlan had set on the counter and noted something that was labeled a _fire containment cell_ near where the krogan had landed. It lit up orange as he sighted on it. If it was anything like the automated fire extinguishers on Peragus that blasted with carbonite beams, it would probably explode. Atton pushed Morlan out of his way, leaped behind the counter for cover, sighted on the bright orange, glowing square and fired.

**BOOM!**

The cell went off, ripping off pieces of the krogan's armor, and Swagger finished him off with his dagger.

"He was a brute, human." Morlan picked himself up and dusted himself off. "Would you like to buy something? I have many good things." He hoped they would pay for the gun Atton had fired.

"How about we take a weapon apiece for services rendered?" Flynn negotiated while Swagger wiped his blade off on a passerby.

"This is highly irregular, human, but I agree."

"Well, that turned out well." Flynn hefted the assault rifle Morlan had given him. "We each got us a gun since our blasters don't work here. We got the doc out of trouble. I say, we check out that place called Flux."

Atton seconded the motion and all in favor said, "Aye!" Swagger was all for going somewhere they could get something to drink.

Following the neon arrows, they went up a flight of stairs to the Upper Markets.

"Hey, Shep…" The blond man at the top of the stairs stopped, a puzzled look on his face. "You're not Commander Shepard."

"Nope." Swagger started to walk away.

"You look pretty dangerous."

"Yep." Swagger wanted a death stick more than ever now.

"I'm Conrad Verner."

"Is there a point to this?" Swagger looked at the outstretched hand as if it carried the plague.

"I…uh… My wife would be so interested that I met you."

"Why?" Hand on one hip, Swagger regarded the man impatiently.

"She…uh…likes dangerous men."

"Does she?" Flynn stepped in, knowing that Swagger's next question would have been, _"So why'd she marry you?"_

"Oh, yes!" Verner seemed a little relieved that they were actually talking to him. "She'd just love it if I could get a picture of you."

"Holo," Atton leaned in and explained to Swagger.

"Nope."

"Oh, but…"

Flynn put a hand on Verner's shoulder and took him a few steps away. "That's how he stays dangerous. Nobody knows what he looks like. They don't associate the name with the face."

Verner cast a nervous look over his shoulder and shuddered at Swagger's scowl. "Oh… yes…I…understand."

"Maybe you can direct us to Flux."

"Oh, yes!" Verner beamed at Flynn and pointed. "Over there."

"Thanks."

"Nice meeting you!" Verner called to Swagger's back as the group moved away. "And your secret's safe with me."

"Shoulda let me kill him," Swagger groused to Flynn. But truth be told, he was feeling better. The headache had eased, and they were entering a noisy club. Then why, he wondered was he uneasy, as if eyes were on him? He glanced over his shoulder and thought he saw something lurking in the shadows.

Flynn headed for the bar. Seemed like in this 'verse, each time they completed a task they were rewarded with a small amount of experience and credits. He was about to order a drink from the fetching woman behind the bar, when he overheard her telling her sob story to her boss.

Atton was beside him and took the news back to Mira. "Another redhead," Atton teased. "I think I see a pattern developing."

"Flynn, what did you just do?" Swagger tossed back the drink Flynn brought him.

"Her sister Jenna's working in Chora's Den undercover and Rita tells me it's dangerous, so I thought I'd head over there and use my charm to get her out of a situation that's way over her head."

"Knock yourself out." Swagger strode to a chair and glared down at the occupant, who decided it was time to leave and give the bounty hunter the chair. "No, I mean it." He sat. "Find a wall or something and knock yourself out before _**I**_ do it for ya."

"Ooh, ain't you the cranky one!" Flynn's stiff-legged walk as he left Flux showed how miffed he was.

Atton found himself thinking about Cal and did not like the direction that led him, so he watched as the human bouncer roughed up a salarian named Schells. Atton knew Schells had been cheating at the Quasar games with a small device, so, as he was forcibly extracted, Atton casually bumped into Schells and managed to nick the device. He used it to win several high stakes games during the cut scene where Schells was thrown down the stairs, and gathered his winnings just as the bouncer and the owner of Flux returned. He smiled congenially as he carried his winnings from the upper tier. Curious, he stepped outside and saw Schells near the stairs and handed him the device.

"Hey, you must've dropped this." _Smooth, Rand, you've still got the touch_.

Startled alien eyes met his smug ones. "Did you use this, human?"

Atton nodded. "Works like a charm."

"Did you record at least five wins?"

_More like ten, but what he doesn't know..._ "Su-rre. Five." He held up one hand, fingers spread wide.

"Thank you, human. Here are some credits to compensate you and to reward your honesty."

Atton still had his old RPG rucksack and tucked these credits in with his Quasar winnings. He wondered if he could sell any of the gauntlets and gloves in the sack and decided to check next time they found a merchant.

He returned to the table to find Swagger moodily nursing another drink. He patted the rucksack. "Hear that? I won us some credits. Maybe we can use them to bribe someone who can get us into the flower petal where the _Ebon Hawk_ is docked."

* * *

The _SSV Normandy _docked in her usual birth. A C-Sec officer by the name of Chellick and his squad were there to take possession of the unconscious prisoner.

"What shall we charge him with?" The turian's mandibles clicked as he snapped cuffs on the human prisoner.

"Impersonating a general and attempted murder and kidnapping." Bastila glared at the fake Exile. "This is a dangerous man, Chellick. Lock him up in a top security cell, shields at optimum and no interaction with him. He's mine to interrogate."

"We've had no luck locating the humans you asked us to find. We've received reports of violence in the Lower Markets; a krogan was killed."

Bastila's heart lurched. "Not Wrex?"

Chellick shook his head. He was not one of the turians that chose to mark their faces in white and black tattoos. He had green eyes, which were unusual in the species, and his skin was almost blond, if that could be considered a skin color.

"They've been spotted, but their leader always manages to stay one step ahead of us."

"That would be Swagger Vasa. Approach him with care." Bastila tapped her foot as she considered options. "Lock this one up and I'll let him stew for a couple of days. Me and my team will find the others."

"As you wish, Spectre." Chellick gave the order for his men to cart away the prisoner. The fake Exile squirmed as they loaded him onto the cart and strapped him down and a medic stepped in to inject more drugs. She nodded in approval as the fake Exile was rolled away. Chellick gave Bastila a last look, turned and followed.

"Who wants to come with me?" Bastila asked her team.

Hands shot into the air. She chose Kaidan and the quarian Tali and Joker, since he could now walk without any danger to his legs. He paused a moment to toss his crutches and leg braces over the side of the docking bay and leaned over to watch them plummet, not knowing or caring where they would land.

"So, Commander." Joker stepped gingerly at first and then grew more confident. "Where'd you meet this Cal?"

"That was _not_ Cal, and that is our mission: to find the _real _Cal. BOLO for the crew he was with, everyone, and stay sharp."

* * *

"Why did I have to get another mission?" Saunter lamented. He'd been drawn to the upper tier of Flux by the noises the winners made and the bells and whistles of the machines as they poured out credits. A weird-looking bug thingie had been standing in the corner and the machine next to it had lit up with a sign saying "**suspicious**..."when Saunter approached it. He moaned. _Suspicious_ should have been enough to tell him to avoid it, but he had already taken on the quest and he knew Swagger would finally have to kill him. The bounty hunter had made it quite clear no one was to trigger anymore quests.

So it was understandable that the young man was very reluctant to tell Vasa. In fact, he thought he could probably get Atton to help without bothering their leader. But Atton was already at the table with Vasa, so Saunter asked Bao to accompany him. Because, let's face it, Bao has had next to nothing to do in this whole story, so it was time, and he _is_ good with machines.

Bao drew looks wherever he and Saunter went as they roamed the Citadel, tracking the signal. Bao led them to the Wards Access corridor.

"It's bouncing off a relay." Bao waited until whoever was playing the game pressed the **A **button so he could target it. "We'll need to go to the Financial District of the Presidium."

Saunter was impressed by Bao's knowledge. "How do you know that?"

Bao rolled his eyes. "Because it says in the journal: _Follow Signal to the Presidium."_

They paused when they reached another elevator and exchanged dubious looks. Saunter stepped in as if he was walking into a trap. As the door sealed them in for yet another excrutiatingly long ride, he sighed.

"I miss Cal."

Bao's black eyes really did not show emotion, but they did become moist and he nodded as a lump came into his throat. "Me, too. I cannot believe he would go off like he did."

"Maybe one of those pod people got him."

Bao had no idea what the kid meant. "Pod people?"

"Yeah, I saw this holo vid one time where people fell asleep and were taken over by aliens and were hatched out of pods and acted strange and creepy the way Cal did." He stopped to take a breath.

"This is real life, kid. There's no such thing as pod people."

They stepped out of the elevator and, without a guide, it took them a while to find the Presidium's Financial District. An office next to an Emporium proved to be the source of the signal, but when Bao checked he announced it was another relay and the real signal was coming from somewhere in the Presidium.

Imagine their surprise when they entered the Emporium, because Saunter was so fascinated by the huge floating piece of Double-Bubble gum inside. Wait, were those tentacles? If they were, then change the description of the creature to a pink sorta looks like a bumpy-on-top jellyfish with long tentacles hanging straight down. After a bit of questioning, Saunter found out it was a hanar called Delyn. He loved its voice because it sounded like several beings were talking at once and there was something soothing, almost hypnotic about its speech.

"Greetings, human, and...I do not know what species you are. How are you called?" Delyn's species were well known for their merchant skills—how to put a customer at ease and lull them into buying some very expensive items.

"I am a Zabrak with a capital Z, unlike the aliens in your world whose species all start with small case letters."

"We apologize if we have offended." The hanar said. "We are always happy to meet other species. Is there something you wish to purchase from our extravagant, overly-priced items?"

"No, we're looking for the source of a signal we've been tracking."

Delyn switched directions in mid-air so he was pointing to a narrow staircase in the middle of the back wall of the store. "We believe what you are looking for is up there." _Snigger. _"We will most likely not be seeing you again, so before you go up there, are you sure you do not wish to purchase something from our extravagant, overly-priced stock?"

Bao sighed. "Show me what you've got."

After going through the stock, the Zabrak was outraged. "Are you crazy?! Nobody can afford this stuff!"

_Snigger._ "We wish you well, although you probably will not stay that way for very long. We will now clear the store of customers and take a break while you are upstairs."

Saunter watched Delyn float away, waving its tentacles at the two customers in the store―who didn't appear to be buying any extravagant, over-priced items. "Another human has tracked the mysterious signal. We advise paying customers to leave."

"Did that thing just snigger at us?" he asked Bao as they trudged up the stairs.

Bao shrugged. The signal was growing stronger. Finally, it looked like their side mission was going to end and they could go back to Flux, with Swagger none the wiser.

There was a bank of computers to the right as they reached the top of the stairs.

"Probability of detection 100%. Initiating self-destruct sequence."

"Shoot! I mean, dammit!" Saunter started to back up, but Bao caught him by the arm and held him in place as the AI voice announced it would blow up if they tried to escape.

"There should be an over-ride sequence." Bao narrowed his eyes. He was completly unfamiliar with this computer.

"But we have no guide. We don't know it." Saunter was seeing his short life pass before his eyes. All those Swagger Vasa wannabe moments…

No matter how they tried to talk the AI out of self-destructing and taking them with it, it would not change its mind. It knew its very existence was a crime against Council law.

"Statement: There you are, meatbags! T3 and I have been searching everywhere for you."

"Initiating self-destruct," the AI announced.

T3 trundled over to the computer banks and plugged into the comm link, running the many diverse seven-button sequences in order, storing the information when one flashed green until he had them all. This only took a few seconds and then he ran the sequence and the AI sputtered as it expired.

Saunter's eyes widened when he saw they had earned ten thousand credits out of the transaction. He hugged T3, and even H-K.

"Warning: Hug me again, meatbag, and I will fill your squishy insides with bullets. Addendum: this game has many fun bullets, like incinerate and snowblind rounds. I would love to try them out, ha-ha."

"T3, where's the _Hawk_?" Saunter listened while the little droid beeped and booped. "Can you get us through security?"

T3 made his "dwo-oo" sound, which was not good. H-K's photoreceptors glowed bright red. "Revelation: Light bulb over the head moment. I have an idea, organic ones. Suggestion: There are many criminals on this station. We find one and get a fake ID. Plea: Or you could let me try out my new assault rifle and see what these new rounds can do to organic flesh. Excited exclamation: I particularly wish to see what shredder rounds do."

"What if we overcome two of the C-Sec personnel?" Saunter suggested. "They'd have clearance to the docking bays, wouldn't they?" Saunter's idea was solid, but H-K was disappointed that no violence would ensue.

Bao warmed to the idea as well. "There's personnel that don't do much in the game, so they won't be missed."

"Yeah, like that guy down the stairs in the Wards. What was his name?"

Bao shrugged. "I wasn't paying attention. We didn't talk to him, so I don't think his name even lit up."

"Well, he's one, and there's others I'm sure."

"Statement: Taking out non-essential to the game personnel is a good idea. Snide remark: Of course, we could just walk to the elevator and ride it up to the docking bay, since I have already taken out the guards there."

"You didn't kill them, did you?" Saunter was horrified at the idea, but immediately relieved when H-K replied.

"Statement: Negative. They were knocked unconscious and stowed behind some crates."

Bao and Saunter followed the two droids to the elevator that led to Flower Petal #2, rode the elevator all the way to the top, trying desperately not to pick up any additional quests, but the journal flashed a couple of times after announcements, so they knew they had not succeeded.

H-K led the way to the birth that held the _Ebon Hawk_. The loading ramp was down―like always. No wonder the ship had been stolen!

That reminded Bao of something. "Where's the guy who stole the ship?"

H-K seemed to take great delight in his reply. "Amused statement: he was arrested and hauled off by the authorities."

"Are all the other droids still aboard?" Bao studied the magnetic clamps that secured the ship. She'd be going nowhere with them attached.

"Statement: Yes, horned one, they are, as is..."

Bao did not bother to listen to the rest as he and Saunter hurried up the ramp. The droids were delighted to see them. They had been locked in the cargo hold. Saunter went from droid to droid, talking in the droid language he had learned from Cal.

Bao strode to the cockpit to see what the instruments would tell him and stopped short in the companionway, staring in shock. Saunter, close behind him, plunged into him, knocking him forward so that he lost his balance.

A small Force blast pushed him upright as Cal swerved in the pilot's seat. "Hi, guys."

"Cal!!??" Saunter stared in disbelief. "But we just saw you take off in another ship, and you're here? You can't be here!"

"Huh?"

"What are you doing here?" Bao stressed each word carefully.

Cal frowned. "When I realized we were in another glitch and the guy Ratrin Vhek was taken away, I thought I'd better just stay here because I knew Swagger had a tracking device on the _Hawk,_ and I knew my friends would come to rescue me, because that's what friends do, so I've been waiting. I did send T3 and H-K out to look for you, but I figured I should stay here in case you managed to get to the ship. Where are the others?" Unlike Saunter, who had trouble breathing through long sentences, Cal was not out of breath.

"Swagger's in the worst mood ever. They don't have any death sticks in this game, so he's in serious withdrawal." Saunter swallowed audibly. "And he blames you, Cal."

"But, if this is you, who did we talk to—who did we see take off with Bastila?" Bao was non-plussed.

Cal looked alarmed and jumped out of his seat. "Bastila? Bastila's here?"

"She was, but she took off with you—but it wasn't you?" Saunter looked around for help. "I'm so confused."

All of them seemed to have forgotten something and it took a droid to remind them. "Query: have none of you meatbags a brain? Cal has a double."

Cal's alarm multiplied, kinda like an amoeba separating. "Bastila's with Sylar Exile?!" His eyes widened. "We have to get to her! I have to save her!"

"I suggest an alternate plan. Our ship is locked down tight, but before she left Bastila gave us clearance for _The Seeker_." Bao saw the startled realization dawn in Cal's eyes. "You have to face him, Cal."

With great reluctance, Cal accompanied Saunter and Bao back to Flux. A couple times they were attacked by C-Sec personnel, but Cal used the Force to put them into stasis and made them forget. They reached Flux, but Swagger was not there. Atton was, though, and his first reaction at seeing Cal was to flatten that perfect nose, but Bao quickly stepped between them and explained the situation. Atton ended up pat-pat-patting Cal on the back with a manly display of affection.

"I knew you wouldn't leave us in the lurch like that," the pilot crowed.

"Where's Swagger?" Cal looked around. "And what's a lurch?"

Atton ignored the second question. "Flynn took him to see an asari Consort about an hour ago and I haven't heard from them since."

"Uh-oh, red-haired tornado headed your way." Saunter's warning came too late as Mira smacked Cal hard on the jaw.

"Ow! What did you do that for?" Cal rubbed his sore jaw and then he sent healing into the tissue so he would not have a bruise.

Atton held Mira while the others explained about Cal/Sylar and she finally went limp. Atton carefully, cautiously let her go and she threw her arms about Cal's neck and kissed him over and over again.

"What I want to know is, how long was Sylar Exile with us?" Atton always had to throw a hydrospanner in the works. "I mean, how did he substitute himself for you?"

"It must have been when we were in the cantina watching Saunter dance and I used crowd control," Cal explained. "But I vaguely remember I was frozen like the others and it felt like I was being dragged out of the place, and when I woke up I was back inside the ship. Then Ratrin Vhek found me when I tried to sneak out before he took off. He knocked me on the head and it was too late when I regained consciousness. He'd already taken off."

"You mean I was running around Nar Shaddaa with Sylar Exile?" Atton shuddered. All those jokes at Cal's expense, the you're-so-dumb remarks, could have set off the evil Exile. He wiped the sweat from his forehead.

"Why didn't you use your powers against Vhek when you woke up again?" Bao wondered about the general sometimes, he really did.

"It was too late. You know I don't know how to fly, so I had to let him fly to Citadel Station, and I knew Swagger had a tracking device on the ship, so I thought discretion was better."

"You know, that knock on the head may have done you some good. You're sounding a lot smarter."

Cal smiled at Atton's snarky remark. "Or maybe everything I just told you is a lie and I'm Sylar Exile and you're falling for my act."

Atton pulled his new pistol. "You better tell me you're kidding."

Cal raised his hands. "I was just kidding, dude. Relax! We have to find Swagger and go after Bastila."

"You do sound smarter," Saunter added nervously.

"I got to level up and I chose intelligence this time, since my stupidity seems to get my friends and droids into trouble."

"What'd you level up to, Einstein equivalent?" Atton still did not put his gun away.

"Far from. Average intelligence. I mean, dumb makes me only so cute and Swagger's ready to kill me."

"Swagger's ready to kill you because he got trapped in another game and because he thinks you abandoned us."

At Atton's statement, Cal's eyes widened. "But I would _never_ do that? How could you think I would?"

"Because, to all intents and purposes, you did!" Atton jammed his gun into the slot alloted for it in the new light armor he was wearing.

"Yes, Atton, how could you think he would?" Mira cooed as she linked her arm with Cal's. _Did that make them Siamese twins now?_

"Flynn's wearing armor, too. They come equipped with a suit radio." Atton buzzed Flynn, but got no response. "Well, we know where they've gone. Let's head over to the Consort's place."

"You are _not_ to go near her." Mira's lips tickled Cal's ear as she whispered into it, and he chuckled because it tickled.

His delight did not last long because all he could think about was that Bastila was with Sylar Exile, not knowing she was with Sylar Exile, thinking she was with him, the real Exile, and she was in danger and he needed to get to her and save her!

H-K took great delight when they approached another elevator in telling them the error of their ways. "Amused query: Have you not figured out, meatbags, that to get from place to place in this Citadel, all you have to do is take one of the small vehicles near the millions of signs that light up every time you get near them? Addendum: They are called (drum roll please!) Citadel transits."

So, now they knew, if they did not want to gain any more quests to take the transits from place to place. Who knew? They took one to the Consort Chamber and there was nobody at the entrance to greet them. They walked inside. There were couches and chairs with unattended, disgruntled clients.

Cal gave Atton a look that told the pilot he had no clue what was going on. A Consort chamber with no acolytes and unsatisfied customers was strange.

Then he cocked his head as he heard something. "Sounds like rapping."

"You would know." Atton listened for a moment. "Yes, it does."

Just then, Swagger came down the stairs at the very back of the place. He had his shirt slung over one bare shoulder, exposing a mass of tanned, sculpted muscles. All of the acolytes were behind him and they were gyrating to the beat of a song.

_(Director says cue music and pump up the volume!"_

Swagger

_I like that boom boom, pow!_

_Saunter & Skippy's jackin' my style._

_They try to copy my swagger._

_I'm on that next; sit now._

Acolytes

_He's so 3008; the rest so 2000 and late_

_He's got that boom, boom, boom!_

_That future boom, boom, boom._

_Let him get us now._

Cal tried to hide behind Atton, but his friend pushed him forward. It was time to face the music, even if it was rap.

Shi'ara, the Consort came down the stairs last. "Oh, Swagger, you will call me, won't you?"

He smiled and it was not a smirk this time. It was the rare, dimpled smile he saved for very special people and occasions. He blew her a kiss. "Babe, you want me to be more than I can be."

Just then, a very rumpled looking Flynn came out of one of the rooms, followed by the receptionist, who turned a lovely shade of purple when he gave her a good-bye kiss.

Cal was seeing his first asaris. Blue-skinned, resembling human women a lot except for the Diary Queen dips on their heads that passed for hair and curvy, slinky bods. Mira kicked him in the shin and he hopped around on one foot until the pain diminished.

Of course, that caused Swagger's attention to divert to him. Bao and Saunter placed themselves in harm's way and they quickly blurted out the truth as the bounty hunter strode over to the cowering Jedi.

"Why so tense, Cal?" Swagger smiled at the Jedi which frightened him even more. To his knowledge Vasa never smiled for real. Swagger inclined his head and two of the acolytes hurried over. "This is a friend of mine, girls. Treat him right."

The two females latched onto Cal and began to lead him to one of the rooms, undressing him as they went.

"What the _hell_ is going on here?!"

The voice was female, angry as a queen bee whose hive has been disturbed and very familiar. Cal gulped, knowing this looked really bad. He turned and his worst nightmare began, but he was wide awake and Bastila really was present.

He knew she was seeing him half undressed, girls hanging all over him. And Mira didn't help by coming over and joining the fray.

Swagger folded his arms over his bare chest. The smirk was back. "Ain't payback a bitch, Cal?"

Chuckling, he and Flynn walked out of the place, to leave poor Cal to face Bastila's wrath. Swagger tossed something up and down before putting it in his pocket. Flynn noted it and asked what it was.

"Just a little trinket she gave me."

Flynn grinned when he heard Bastila start on poor Cal. "Ya know he wasn't responsible for pulling our ship out of space and it wasn't him that stranded us."

"Yep."

Flynn regarded him a moment. "You're acting like you do when you've had a good smoke."

"Yep." He casually pulled his shirt on over his head. "Who knew the Consort was a closet smoker? The stuff she gave me isn't as toxic as death sticks, but, man, does it soothe the nerves."

Flynn guffawed. "Ya mean all ya did with her was smoke?!"

Swagger treated him to an exaggerated eyeroll. "Now, I didn't say that, did I?"

They stayed at the entrance and eavesdropped as Bastila lowered her "boom, boom, boom" on Cal.

_A/N And now the disclaimer: I do not own anything Star Wars or Mass Effect. This is now beginning the saga of Cal and his crew's adventures with the SSV Normandy's crew and their story line. As you know, this is a parody and AU. Hope you enjoy it. I will try to explain things for the non-ME fans so they will understand what's going on. Thanks to all of you for reading and reviewing!_

19


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter 16**

**Teaming up**

Pandemonium, whatever that was, because, even with Cal's leveled-up intelligence, that was still too big a word for him to comprehend, reigned! He was in the middle of a tug-of-war, asari on one side, Mira and Bastila on the other, and he thought his arms would be pulled out of their sockets. The asari Consort clapped her hands and said something to her acolytes, so one side was freed, which did not mean Cal was out of danger, since Mira switched sides and it was now a battle between her and Bastila. _Tug_! He's mine! _Double tug_!! No, he's mine!

Atton grabbed Mira around the waist and a very startled Kaidan seized the commander about her trim waist, and then Bao grabbed Atton and Garrus grabbed Kaidan...and I think you can see where this is going.

A shot into the ceiling caused everyone to freeze and, no it is _not_ the person you expect. The newcomer was dressed in Republic pants and shirt and boots. And a red jacket with lots of medals and stripes and stars on it. A gun belt rode his lean hips as he strode into the room and tossed his head to get two adorable stubborn locks off his forehead. They stubbornly whipped right back down. He slid his gun into the holster and stood with his arms folded over his chest.

Although he did not recognize the uniform, Kaidan Alenko could count and the amount of chevrons on the shoulders―although he did not recognize the uniform―told him this was a superior officer. "Ten hut!" He snapped to attention.

Commander Shepard and her crew fell into line and saluted. Atton was stunned. "_Carth_?" Atton rubbed his eyes as if he had to be dreaming all this. "_Jaden_?"

The ex-Jedi/smuggler wore a split skirt that allowed her to wear thigh high boots of the softest Kath skin and a tight T-shirt that left her arms bare. Over her chest was a breast plate of beskar armor. Atton knew it was Mandalorian iron or duraplast, which made it the strongest in their galaxy. It wasn't anywhere as cool as the armor Commander Shepard wore, but it was cool. He liked the way the metal molded Jaden's perky breasts.

Jaden and her husband, Admiral Carth Onasi, were opposites in coloring and looks. Carth had gorgeous brown eyes and his hair was russet brown; Jaden's eyes were very light blue with startling long, thick black lashes that matched glorious ebony tresses that flowed past her shoulders. Carth was six feet tall and Jaden was petite, barely reaching his shoulder. Jaden's last name before she married was Revan, and she had a twin brother called Luce Canon who was the personification of the dark side.

Cal stood rooted to the spot, unable to move, and Jaden gave him one of her delicious smiles. She'd always had a little thing for the Exile, but Carth was the only man for her now.

"Somehow, Cal, we always seem to find you in some kind of trouble." When Carth spoke, Kaidan reacted. If he didn't know better, he'd think he had a twin and they'd been separated at birth. Onasi sounded just like him with the huskiness in his voice and the way he spaced his words, punctuating them with ums and uhs. "Care to fill us in?"

"How did you get here?" Cal brushed a kiss on the cheek Jaden presented and wrung Carth's hand in an iron grip.

"Now that is a story." Carth beckoned Cal to accompany them to one of the couches. "I'll let my wife tell you, since it's her brother we're after."

Jaden sighed. "You know how the Guide says Revan goes off to find the True Sith? Well, that was a type-o. What it should have said was Revan goes off to find the True geth."

"Geth?" Atton asked, taking a seat next to clueless Cal. Taking a page from Cal, he added, "Geth what?"

"Geth are a race of synthetics that went AWOL." Jaden fished something out of her RPG bag and gave it to Cal. "Here, I got this from Hiro. It's the Guide to this game. You get lost enough as it is, so you'll need all the help you can get to defeat Saren and my stupid brother."

"You mean Luce is here? How?" Cal ran a hand through his hair. "And, while I'm at it, how did you get here?" He wasn't done with his questions, counting them out on his fingers as he continued. "Has Luce joined Saren? Who's Saren? Is he the bad guy in this game?"

Commander Shepard shrugged when Jaden and Carth looked at her with a small amount of condemnation in their eyes. Carth, a really good tactician and warrior in his own right, was especially disappointed that Bastila had not filled Cal in on what was really going on.

She raised her hands in a placating gesture and told them about Sylar. "I was going to tell Cal, but everything got messed up. Saren was a turian Spectre who has joined forces with the geth, and he wants to find something called the Conduit. Before you ask, no, I don't know what it is, but we are on our way to see a Dr. T'Soni who has spent the last fifty years studying the Prothean culture, and she might know something that would lead us to the Conduit."

"To answer your question about us, Cal," Jaden interjected. "There are Mass Relays in our galaxy and one is located at Lehon that links our galaxy Far, Far Away to here." Jaden looked up at Carth, who had put a hand on her shoulder. "Beacons like the one you found on Eden Prime, SG," she added, bringing a furrow to Commander Shepard's brow at the reference to her old nickname "Slutty Girl". "Only in our galaxy the Rakatan placed the Star Maps near the beacons. Luce and I received visions the first time we followed the incomplete map on Dantooine to all the planets in K1. He didn't know what they meant until we met on the Star Forge and our minds melded, so we kinda filled in all the blanks. Seems the Protheans traveled outside this Traverse to our galaxy, spreading their warning about the Reapers."

"Reapers? Aren't they the creepy guys in the _Firefly_ universe?" Cal looked to Atton for confirmation, but the pilot had no idea what he was talking about.

Jaden hopped up and took Carth by the hand. "Come on, handsome, help me out."

"Ah, gorgeous, you know I hate to sing..."

(Cue music)

_All our times have come__.  
Here, but now they're gone.  
We need to stop the Reapers.  
And Saren and Revan think to manipulate them. (We can't be like they are.)_

Come on, baby. (CARTH_: We gotta stop the Reapers.)  
Baby, take my hand. (We gotta stop the Reapers.)  
We've got to give it a try. (We gotta stop the Reapers.)  
Baby, you're my man._

Carth thanked the asari acolyte who had given him the guitar and handed it back. "So, we're in this with you. Luce and Saren have to be stopped."

"You couldn't have brought the Republic fleet?" Bastila knew she sounded snippy, but seeing the loving way Carth was looking at Jaden as if the admiral was still just as besotted as he'd always been over the ex-smuggler, caused a fuse to burn out in her brain. Why couldn't Cal look at _her_ like that? Instead of looking guilty, with his shirt half torn off?

Jaden rolled her eyes at Bastila's attitude. "Snappy armor you got there, SG. I think Carth and I will need some. Have you any credits to spare, since ours don't seem to be any good here?"

"Some, but you will have to wear light armor only at first until you level up. I see you have already discovered you cannot use blasters."

Jaden tugged her husband's head down and kissed him, delighting in the way his ears turned pink. She turned back to Bastila and kept her voice low. "The less your people know the better, right? You have a new identity, right? What's your name here?"

"I am Commander Shepard. My first name changes according to the person who is playing the game and some are unimaginative enough to pick 'Jane'. Unfortunately, this one has done so."

Jaden giggled. "GI Jane, huh?" Her light blue eyes sparkled with mischief. "Or as in Plain Jane?"

Bastila drew herself up to her full height, which was not much. "I had forgotten how annoying you can be, Jaden."

"And I haven't even gotten started." Jaden giggled.

"Be that as it may, I am in charge—not you. Not Carth and not Cal." She thumped the armor over her ample chest. "Me! And, as such, you and Carth will be a part of _my_ team and will follow _my_ orders or you will find yourselves in _my _brig. Got it?"

Jaden tossed her hair out of her face. "Why are you talking that funny way? What happened to your accent?"

"I am trying to keep my old identity a secret, dullstone." Commander Jane Shepard (Oh, how she hated that name!) stepped back from the confrontation with her old nemesis, satisfied that she had made her point. "Here. Credits. Get you and Carth some decent armor." She handed Jaden a credit voucher. "Meet me in Petal #1 in one hour or we go without you."

Cal had taken the opportunity to dress and hurried over before Bastila could leave. "Darling!"

"If you are to come with me, Cal, you will treat me as your commanding officer. To you I am Commander Shepard. Nothing more."

He winked. "But in private..."

"Fraternization is not allowed in the Alliance Navy. You are a lieutenant, and the rest of your crew will follow my orders." She looked around him to catch Mira glaring at her. "I think you have enough women to worry about you, don't you?"

"Are you okay? I was so worried Sylar Exile might..."

She cut him off. "The impostor is locked up and has been heavily sedated."

"Did you catch his sidekick, a kid that looks a little like Swagger Vasa?"

She looked uneasy. "No."

* * *

Skippy wore the C-Sec uniform with style as he made his way to the cell where the prisoner was being held. He had found one of the C-Sec officers who were standing around to provide background and knocked him out and taken his credentials and uniform. For such a secure place with high-level security, he was not impressed with how easy they made it. He was up for some serious gunplay, but all the guards saw was the uniform as he took the elevator to the holding cells. Yawning, about thirty minutes later, he stepped off the incredibly slow elevator and, doing an admirable imitation of his goody-goody twin, _sauntered_ down the hall to the cell door.

He knocked out the alien standing guard, took the code key card and opened the door. Sylar Exile was hooked up to a machine that kept him unconscious and monitored his vitals. Each time he was about to wake up, another dose of the sedative was pumped into his system. It was foolproof, except that he had Skippy on his side.

Skippy did not like Sylar Exile, but he knew sticking with him would make him rich, and Sylar had promised that one day he would help Skippy with his Swagger Vasa problem.

Skippy dragged the guard inside and stripped off the armor—it could be used for Sylar's disguise. He unhooked the IV drip and waited.

The wait was not long, since Sylar Exile was very strong physically. His eyes flew open and he looked around, relaxing only when he saw who was in the room with him. Skippy tossed him the armor and Sylar pulled it on piece by piece. Skippy pulled and heaved the alien guard over to the machine and he and Sylar settled him on the bunk and inserted the needle into his arm.

"You will be well rewarded for this." Sylar smiled at his sidekick.

* * *

Because the elevator took so long, Sylar and Skippy were long gone before Commander Shepard and the others reached the cell. Cal glanced around the room, making sure Sylar was not hiding somewhere. He used the Force and felt the fake Exile's presence resonate in the Wards.

A few minutes later, he announced, "If we hurry, maybe we can catch him!" He puffed as he clamored up another set of steep stairs to the main level of the Wards.

It looked like he was leading a parade: Swagger and Flynn, Atton and the rest of Cal's crew, Jaden and Carth, and Commander Shepard and her crew. People who wanted to speak to GI Jane (as Jaden persisted on calling her) were pushed rudely out of the way as the troop hurried through the place, hunting for Sylar and Skippy.

Saunter kept apologizing for his stupid brother every few seconds and Commander Shepard finally grabbed Alenko's helmet and pulled it over the kid's head and turned off the comm link, so that now he sounder like Charlie Brown's school teacher. "Wah, wah, wah—wah wah wah wahhhh..." But it was an improvement since the volume was down.

As they searched, they filled in snippets of information for Jaden and Carth. "So," Jaden paused to catch her breath at the top of another set of stairs. "You found a Prothean beacon on a planet called Eden Prime, a human settlement; and what was supposed to be a shake-down run for the new addition to the Alliance Fleet, the _Normandy_, turned into a battle with Saren and squadrons of geth. Does that about sum it up? You didn't see Luce?"

"Simple way of putting it, but accurate enough I suppose." Commander Shepard was in a surly mood, or maybe her terse tones made it sound like she was. "If you wish to put such a spin to it. Suffice it to say, Saren went rogue like your erstwhile brother, and was considered the prophet to the geth. I came to the Citadel to tell the Council about his subversive activities and was stone-walled at first, but then I found proof through a quarian who is now on my crew." She put her shoulders back and puffed out her chest proudly. "The Council made me a Spectre."

"You're a ghost? I'm seeing dead people now?" Cal became aware of all the scalding looks sent his way. "What?"

Carth pushed between the two sniping women. "Hey, we're all on the same side here!"

"SG ought to be familiar with going rogue since she fell to the dark side." At Jaden's bold statement, Carth inhaled sharply and pulled her to him to silence her with an admonishing kiss.

"That was Luce's fault!" Shepard almost stamped her foot in anger.

"Gonna have us a cat fight for sure," Flynn whispered to Swagger, who was still feeling good from whatever he and the asari Consort had smoked.

"Explain one thing," Atton said as they hurried outside after another agonizingly long elevator ride, made even more so by Mira fighting with Cal, and with Jaden and Commander Shepard―who threatened to deck anyone who dared call her Jane—going at each other tooth and nail. "Explain how you got here."

"Long story. When Luce and Malak searched for the Star Maps, Luce took me with him, since we were serving in the Republic Navy. Okay, so he drafted me." Jaden's eyes flashed. "All I ever wanted to be was a smuggler. Not a soldier, and certainly not a Jedi."

"Go on," Atton begged, because he really was interested.

"The Rakatan were the ones who found Prothean beacons and put their Star Maps close to them. Who knows? The Prothean knowledge that was unlocked in the beacons could have been the reason why they became so advanced and built the Star Maps. Anyway, Luce found both the maps and beacons on his journey, and we were both indoctrinated, in that we had the same contact with the beacons as SG did. Sorry, GI Jane. But our beacons were not damaged. The warning became clear after Luce encountered more than one. There were other galaxies out there that would suffer the same fate as ours if the Reapers the Protheans warned about were allowed to return."

Shepard scowled at the thought of Luce finding more than one beacon.

"Luce became even more motivated to strengthen the Republic in any way he could—using any means he could―which turned out to be the Sith, since he knew, after the Mandalorian Wars, that the Jedi Council would not listen. They've got their fingers in their ears." They rounded a corner and almost plowed into a strange-looking bug-like creature about the size of a kinrath.

Flynn gave Swagger a high-five, which the bounty hunter returned with a smirk. "I been looking for the last one so I could complete this danged _scan the keepers_ side mission. I lack one more."

The short pause while Flynn scanned the keeper gave Cal a chance to browse through the Guide. He tapped a page. "Looks like you need to go here." He showed Flynn the map provided with the Guide. "You get another quest, but it furthers this one."

"Go on," Swagger drawled. His eyes were fathomless black pits. His dimpled smile flashed each time he and Jaden exchanged heated eye-rap. Jaden had always had a thing for dangerous men. And _she _calls Bastila "Slutty Girl"?!

Flynn examined his partner's face, peering intently into his eyes. "Son, what did that asari Consort give you?"

"She assured me nothing harmful."

"Why are you smiling like that? Makes a man wonder."

Swagger raked his eyes over Jaden's svelte form and then winked in his most bad boy fashion. "Jaden. I had a thing for her before she got married to Onasi."

"Well, she _is_ married now and they have twin kids, so I'd lay off the eye rap before you strain something."

Swagger smirked. "Now that's not so bad, buddy—long as it's only a strain."

They rejoined the others, who were in a heated debate on whether to try to find Sylar and Skippy or go off and start the mission to find the asari Dr. Liara T'Soni―and you know what they say, "Gotta get T-Soni!" They finally decided it was time to leave the Citadel. Flynn begged them to stop so he could talk to Jahleed, a creature who looked like a big, dumpy dog with long droopy white ears and a face obscured by a gas mask. Jahleed wore what appeared to be a brown and yellow plaid environment suit. Cal looked him up in the Guide and told Flynn he was a volus.

Morlan, Jahleed's salarian partner, had given Flynn the original quest to scan 21 keepers. To make a side mission short, Flynn found that Morlan and Jahleed were both lying to him and each wanted him to wipe the other out. Flynn's wit and charm and Swagger's gun in their faces resolved their differences and a truce was called. Now the only unscanned keeper was near the _SSV Normandy_ on the docking pad.

Once the elevator ride from Slowville came to a stop at the docking bay, Flynn quickly dashed up the gantry, past a stack of crates, up some steps and scanned it. He heard a snippet of music and saw his credit level rise and knew the quest was finally completed.

It was crowded in the ship's entrance as the scanner rays and mist decontaminated the group. Shepard pulled open some lockers located along the walls of the decontamination room and began handing out crewman clothes. These consisted of dark blue T-shirts and military issue pants and boots. It appeared that no weapons were allowed to be carried on board.

Cal held up the navy blue T-shirt and cleared his throat delicately. "Uh, do you have anything with brown or rust or tan? I'm an Autumn. Even black would be better on me."

Shepard pushed the clothes into his chest with an angry "humph!" Atton insinuated himself between them. "Just wear what she gave you, Cal," the pilot said wearily.

The post-asari Consort smile disappeared as Swagger scowled at Shepard when she tried to hand him a set. "I will help you fight this war, but I will _not_ wear military clothes, nor will I leave my weapons behind. Deal with it!"

"Ooh, Swaggy-waggy's still such a yummy bear." Jaden realized her mistake when the bounty hunter directed an if-looks-could-kill-you'd-be-dead glare at her. "Oops, sorry, Swagger. I've been raising two kids since we last hooked up."

"Hey, you never hooked up with him!" Carth took his wife by the arm and escorted her inside the ship. He lowered his voice, "Did you ?"

Now it was Flynn's turn to give Shepard grief, although he knew that his rugged good looks would show through no matter what color he wore. "If Swag don't wear 'em, neither do I."

"I could easily have both of you flushed out the air lock."

"Do you have one?" Cal perused the map of the ship in his Guide. "I don't see one."

Swagger quirked a brow at Flynn, who was chuckling. "This oughta be a fun trip, partner," the merc told him, beating the palm of one hand with a balled fist to emphasize his point.

Shepard assigned them places in the ship. Saunter was given a spot in the engine room near the quarian female Tali. Bao was stationed near the turian Garrus, and it looked like they would get along since they immediately started combining their talents to fix things—starting with the M35 Mako. Carth and Jaden were stashed in the crew quarters, Swagger and Flynn likewise.

Atton was given a seat in the cockpit and abruptly propped his feet up and fell asleep. He was tired from all the running around on the Citadel. Kaidan sat next to Joker, because they show him there at first and then every other time he's at an engineer station, straightening up, wiping his forehead, turning his head and then his body to talk to Shepard. But he was back at his post in the cockpit because he wanted to be in at least shouting distance of Shepard if she needed him. Plus, he needed to keep an eye on Cal.

Mira took a liking to Chief Ashley Williams, probably commiserating about Cal with the snappish young woman.

Cal stood on the podium with Commander Shepard as she accessed the galaxy map. "Why are you so far away from the rest of your crew?"

Shepard rolled her eyes. "The ship is turian design, but it still doesn't make sense that I have to speak to them through the suit radios. Plus, if need be, I can shout at them. Okay?"

His soft brown eyes were plaintive. "Why are you so mad at me?"

She treated him to an incredulous look as she chose _Liara's digsite_ on the galaxy map. "Mira ring any bells?"

He cocked his head to one side, considering. "She may have. I couldn't tell you for sure, but she hasn't rung any while I've been with her."

Shepard (we will now refer to Bastila as Shepard like they do in the game so the writer and the reader will not become confused) shook her head, her grey eyes hostile. "I don't know if I can love such a silly man."

"I'm working on getting smarter!" Cal noted his voice echoed her emotion. "I know this is tough on you, Commander." He was getting the hang of calling her by her new title. "I will level up my intelligence..." He stopped when she interrupted him with a strong shake of the head. He missed her cute braids. Now she had short hair with a lot of red highlights, not the beautiful sun-kissed brown it had been back when he'd known her. The mods gave her a beautiful face and her expressions were very realistic, but her hair looked like it was painted on her head or was made of plastic. It did not move. Her eyes were very light blue, and he guessed the game did not offer the gorgeous grey he loved, although the blue did come close.

"Cal, in this game we do not level up intelligence."

"Damn!" He frowned. "I'm screwed! If you don't want me because I'm too dumb, isn't there any way I can become more intelligent? I'm going to lose you because I'm not smart enough?"

"You were never this dumb when I knew you before!" She glared at the crew members who glanced around and then looked away as her voice rose.

"Yeah, well, you might not be too smart either if Sylar Exile had sliced open your head and taken all your skills and powers." He sighed. "Twice." Cal turned his back on her and practiced shaking his hands, rolling his neck back and popping his vertebrae like he'd seen her do while they rode the elevator to the docking bay.

"He...did that to you...twice?" Her voice was soft now, apologetic. "I...didn't know. He wanted to know where Revan was, and he was about to do it to me when my crew overpowered him."

Cal's back remained to her, his body erect, stiff. "I think I'll go check out the rest of your ship. Go see about my friends."

"Dismissed."

"Yeah, that's what I'm just figuring out." He strode from the podium to the elevator that took him to the garage. "Dismissed...from your life, Commander," he said as the elevator crept down.

Cal had already seen a krogan, but as he stepped out of the elevator, he was dismayed to see another one with horrible scars across his massive face and demon red eyes. He blinked when he realized the krogan was talking to someone in a very deep voice―and the someone was Swagger.

As he neared them, Cal overheard their conversation. Wrex pointed to the scars on his face. "Old Man gave me those before I plunged my knife in his chest."

Swagger lifted his shirt and showed the huge hulk a deep scar that ran from his collarbone to his third rib. "Vibro-blade."

"Looks like we're having us a battlescar galactica." Flynn chortled at his own joke. "Did ya show him the one ya got from the Gamorean, Swag?"

"Just getting to that." Swagger revealed the impressive scar and the krogan followed up with a really ugly one that bisected his back.

"Come on over and meet Wrex." Swagger sounded almost nice as he beckoned to Cal.

Cal shook the gigantic hand, grimacing as Wrex crushed his fingers. "Hi. X Cal'Ibur. I was a Jedi."

"Never heard of 'em," Wrex rumbled. He handed Swagger a flask and the bounty hunter did not even wipe off the lip before he took a deep swig.

"Wrex is a bounty hunter." Flynn stepped forward. He'd been chatting with Mira and Ashley by the weapons stand and left them to their own conversation. "Small world, eh?"

"Tell Cal what you were telling me." Swagger sank cross-legged on the deck.

"I was telling Vasa how the krogan were almost wiped out by a genophage introduced into our population by the salarians."

"That's them big-eyed aliens with the upside down eye lids. Creepy." Flynn took a seat next to Swagger.

"Hey, is there any way for us to have a fire?" Cal liked the feeling of camaraderie as they sat together.

"I have a small camp stove," Ashley replied to Cal's question as she joined the males. "Hey, you're cute!"

Cal blushed. "Ah, thanks." He helped Ashley light the stove, which produced a small flame.

"Ever try roasted marshmallows? I got a care package from my sister Sara with marshmallows, Graham crackers and chocolate. Want to make s'mores, Cal?"

"S'mores what?"

"It's a treat."

"Don't know what they are, but I'll try one."

Ashley ignored the jealous looks from Mira. Cal was a hunk and with Shepard the non-canon female, Ash was ready to hit on anyone in the male population. She was grateful she now had a wider population to choose from, since Kaidan Alenko was head-over-biotic-heels in love with the commander.

She put several marshmallows on the end of a skewer and held them over the fire until they turned all hot and gooey. Then she sandwiched the melted marshmallow between pieces of chocolate and two Graham crackers. "Open."

Cal obediently opened his mouth and she put the delicacy on his tongue. He made a low moaning noise as his taste buds did a happy dance. "Please, s'more, uh, what is your name?"

"Ashley," she told him and added some of her history, which basically is this: she is prejudiced against aliens because of something that happened to her father or was it her grandfather? To synopsis-size, something that happened in her family's past caused Ash to be black-balled and held back from any real assignments other than crap—_hey, her words, not mine!_—so she comes across as bitter, caustic and angry.

In return, while watching more marshmallows turn a golden brown, Cal told her about being a Jedi and then a general for Revan and then an Exile. And then he told her how his life went to hell because he started changing the rules and cheating—Hiro's words, not his! One thing he did not mention was Bastila, nor did he give away things such as his bonding skill. As far as he knew, he did not possess that anymore.

Ash made him another s'more. Flynn and Wrex, and finally Swagger joined in, the human bounty hunter holding out because eating s'mores is so uncool. As they roasted marshmallows and enjoyed their treat they talked and got to know each other. Soon Garrus and Bao joined them.

Garrus had an interesting back story. He had worked for C-Sec, which was the authority and law on Citadel Station, but he railed against the red tape and the way many criminals were allowed to escape justice.

A short time later Atton and Tali appeared. Whoever Scuttlebutt was, he or she must have been talking, Cal thought, because everyone was ending up in the garage. The s'mores were a hit, as was the liquor Wrex passed around the group.

Cal was introduced to the quarian Tali'Zorah nar Rayya, who told him, "We are hated by all other species because we created the geth."

"Hey, everybody makes mistakes," Cal commiserated, then asked, "Mind if I call you Tali Z? No? How about Tali ho? No? How about Tali up?"

"My name is Tali!" her tone was terse. Tali's ultra slender body was encased in a special suit of armor that protected her species from being exposed to germs. The armor reminded Cal of Revan's Star Forge armor, although he could see her face faintly through the blue screen of her helmet. Her voice was enhanced by a vo-coder so it sounded just a little tinny.

"What about the salarians?" Wrex had told them about the genophage. "They came up with the genophage and almost wiped out the krogans."

"The geth have allied with Saren and wish to bring back the Reapers, a sentient machine race that wipes out all organic life."

Cal threw his hands up in the air (and caught them). "Okay, you win. It sucks what your people did, but blaming you now, after all this time, is senseless. Tell me more about yourself, Tali."

(Cue music)

I should be on the Flotilla―

Working as a tech to fix up the ships.

Instead I'm going after Saren

'Cause the Commander saw a vision.

Now finding him's become our mission,

And we must locate the Conduit.

I'm a quarian! A quarian!

Cal whistled and clapped at Tali's talent, and there was a smattering of polite applause from the others. Tali continued talking to Cal, who was being nicer to her than anyone she'd met since leaving the Flotilla to begin her Pilgrimage. "In my travels I discovered vital information. I obtained it from a geth I encountered and recorded it on an OCD for my omnitool. It was the proof Shepard needed against Saran, and she presented it to the Council so they would have to believe he is working with the geth and revoke his Spectre status. Fortunately I ran into Shepard, because, before she saved my life, I had gone to a slimeball named Fist who offered to get me a meeting with the Shadow Broker, who makes a living from selling information. When he betrayed me, Shepard saved me."

By the time Kaidan, Carth and Jaden found their way to the garage, Cal and Atton were softly strumming guitars. It was fortunate that their RPG rucksacks could handle a lot more than the 150 item limit of _Mass Effect_ that necessitated selling stuff or changing them into omni-gel, which Cal was told was the equivalent of spikes and parts in _Star Wars_.

There was a party atmosphere in the garage now. Cal was pretty sure he was bonding with all these guys, which was a good thing. Unless, of course, they wanted him to be the leader, and then it would be a bad thing because it would tick off Bastila. His voice, as he sang softly, took on a melancholy tone.

"He starts singing 'Kumbaya', I'm outta here." Swagger snorted when Flynn almost choked on a s'more.

Cal had somehow ended up with his head in Ashley's lap and she was dipping her finger in the marshmallow and letting him lick it off. Mira, not to be undone, fed Flynn, toppling him over so that they were a tangle of arms and legs.

Kaidan stared into the flames with sad dark brown eyes.

"Dude, you look like you lost your best friend." Cal m-mmmed when Ash stroked his hair back from his forehead.

"I shouldn't talk to you about this," Kaidan said morosely.

Cal frowned. He really was having too good a time to help out his fellow man, but part of what made Cal so personable was that he cared so much about others. "Sorry," he whispered to Ash as he sat up and got awkwardly to his feet.

He put a hand on Kaidan's shoulder and led him to a spot where nobody could overhear them. "Look, Kaidan. I know what it's like to be in love with her. She's...different now and I don't think she's the woman who loved me then. I think she's the woman who's in love with you."

Kaidan rubbed his forehead. He seemed to do that a lot, Cal noted. Maybe it itched? "I wish I could believe that."

Cal nodded wisely, well, as wisely as poor Cal can. "Women love me," he said simply. "Do you know why they love me?"

"I have no idea."

"I bond with them. It isn't something I can control, and it has its drawbacks." Cal took in a deep breath and then let it out. "I know this sounds strange, but it's the truth, Kaidan. People follow me because of this bonding ability I have through the Force."

"The Force?"

Cal winced. He had not meant to bring that up. "Never mind about that right now. What I want to stress is, Shepard loved me, but it might not have been the real thing. We bonded and she might have thought she loved me. But I've seen the way she looks at you when she thinks no one sees."

"Do you do this using your mind?" Kaidan was more focused on the Force than Shepard's love life. "I have biotics, and so does Shepard. She's an adept with very strong powers she creates from her mind with the help of implants. I've never seen anyone as strong as she is."

"She always was very strong with her...powers." Cal made a gesture that indicated the bridge. "She just told me she doesn't love me."

"Well, looks like Mira and Ash…" Kaidan's eyes widened when he saw Flynn and Mira making out. "Uh, _Ash _is interested in you, Cal." The lieutenant's dark eyes narrowed a little. "I'm giving you fair warning, man. I am going to do everything I can to win over Shepard."

(Cue music. Did you really think a song was not coming up?)

**Backup: Ash, Tali and Mira and Jaden, doing their impressions of the Supremes**

_Love, love, love_.

**Soloist: Cal****, doing his impression of Justin Timberlake because this is Cal, after all…sigh...  
**  
_There's nothing a dude can do that can't be done.  
Nothing you can sing that can't be sung._

**Swagger****: doing...well, Swagger, duh!**_**  
**__Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play this muther-effin game.  
It's easy._

**Atton and**** Saunter, with Atton shredding his guitar and doing a good impression of The Crashtones' lead singer, heh! Saunter, well, he doesn't do impressions.**_  
_  
_Nothing you can make that can't be made.  
No one you can save that can't be saved.  
Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you in time.  
It's easy._

**Everyone**_  
_  
_All you need is love.  
All you need is love.  
All you need is love, love.  
Love is all you need._

"What in the hell is going on?" Commander Shepard's cold, precise tones broke up the party. "Everyone into their gear. See the Recquisitions officer over there in the corner and make sure you are equipped with an assault rifle, shotgun and pistol, and rounds to put in them. We are setting down on the planet Therum at 0:1200. That's in thirty standard minutes."

"Who are you taking with you, Commander?" Garrus stood up and wiped his hands on his thighs. Graham cracker crumbs fell to the deck.

"Cal, you, and..." Her eyes scanned the group. "I need an experienced soldier. One who will follow my orders to the letter." Her gaze told Swagger he was out because he might flout her authority and she could not allow that, as was Flynn because he followed Vasa. Jaden could rot in the ship the entire time as far as she was concerned―and in hell forever. Carth was a good soldier, but he had never fought geth, although he had fought Sith, so he was still in the running. She was still not too sure she could trust Wrex. She saw the way Ash was looking at Cal and that effectively elminated the Chief. Shepard was giving Cal a chance because he used to be a damned good general. Atton was a great shot, but again, would he follow her since he was bonded to Cal? Mira, uh-uh-no way in hell! Kaidan? A biotic would be useful, but she always felt so protective of him it might take her edge. Bao-Dur was an unknown quantity and she needed someone she was certain would watch her back, although he did look capable.

Jaden raised her hand like she was in school and Shepard was the mean ole teacher. "How many of us can fit into the Mako?"

"Only three are allowed to go. I am breaking the rules by taking Cal as it is."

"And still you didn't answer my question: how many?"

"Garrus?"

The turian counted off on his three-fingered hands. "It looks big, but she can only handle four, five if someone sits in somebody's lap."

"Commander, permission to come along and sit in Cal's lap, ma'am!" Ash snapped to attention.

Shepard pursed her lips. "Permission granted. And one more...?"

Atton raised his hand. "Permission to go and sit in your lap, Commander."

"No!"

Cal treated Atton to an eyeroll and the pilot snickered. "Hey, it was worth a try."

"May I suggest Tali?" Everyone quieted so they could hear Bao's soft voice. "You'll need a machinist in case there is damage and the vehicle needs fixing."

"I could sit in his lap, Commander." Tali's slender form looked like a good wind would blow her over, but Shepard knew she was strong and trained in assault tactics.

"Bao, Tali, you're going."

Thirty minutes later they gathered at the Mako and piled inside, literally. It was wall-to-wall organics and Shepard regretted her decision to take so many. "We need a bigger Mako," she groused under her breath.

She contacted Joker, who told her they were approaching the drop zone. "Okay, mister, on my signal, drop the Mako."

Suddenly, a voice came from the very back of the crowded Mako. "Query: What did one shepard say to another? Answer: Let's get the flock out of here."

"HK!?" Shepard knew it was too late to boot the assassin droid out. The _Normandy_ bay doors were opening and the Mako was sliding forward.

"Statement: I could not miss trying out these wonderful rounds. Gleeful statement: I wish to see the bullets mangle and destroy and shred and annihilate..."

Cal sighed. "We get it, HK."

The Mako entered freefall, and all across the galaxies, organics heard what sounded like a blood-curdling scream as the Mako fell and fell and fell.......

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!"

_A/N Disclaimer: I do not own anything Star Wars or Mass Effect. This chapter was to introduce all the characters of Mass Effect to the crews of the Seeker and Ebon Hawk and to the readers out there who plat KotOR but have not played the awesomeness that is Mass Effect. More to come when they land on the planet Therum._

18


	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter 17:**

**Where has Therum Gone?**

"Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

Thunk! Bam! Hiss-hiss-hiss.

Freefall from about ten thousand feet in the air, the jets employed on the Mako to cushion the landing—yeah, right! And then the bone-crushing thud as it lands. And then it hisses like a metallic dragon, puffing and undulating over its six over-sized tires. And nobody had prepared Cal for any of this.

Everyone inside the Mako picked up their teeth, since the rough landing had rattled them out of their heads, careful to make sure each had the right teeth.

"Exhilarated statement: Gee, that was fun! Query: Could we go again?"

Cal was trying to recover his cool. His girlish scream was not the impression he wanted to portray in front of the fairer sex―or the others either. But he had not expected the vehicle to be dumped out of the _Normandy_ so far above the planet's surface.

Ash, in his lap, patted his knee. "Don't worry. I'll protect you."

He smiled at her and was immediately sorry when Shepard glared at him. Inwardly, he sighed, wondering where the woman he loved had gone. And why did she care if she had already dumped him?

Driving the unruly machine, laughingly called an all-terrain-vehicle that seemed to have a mind of its own, Shepard was shocked to hear a voice in her head.

"_Testing one, two three. Oh, good! I see our bond still works, SG! You thought leaving me behind would solve all your problems, but you forgot about our bond. So, I am going to bug you, and this is payback for leaving me and Carth behind. We came from another galaxy to help and you are letting personal differences get in the way."_

"Oh, bloo-dyyyy hell!" Shepard spat out loud, earning her worried looks from the crew. She had reverted to her old Talravrin accent, which in this 'verse, sounded very British. When she had asked why she had to speak in the bland American accent, she'd been told it was because _Star War_s had dibs on all the English speaking voice actors. And the Aussies were standing in line.

"_You're rusty at this, aren't you? __**Think**__ to me, don't speak out loud. We have to find a way to work together. I know we've had prob---uh, GI Jane, I think you better pay attention to your crew."_

Shepard ignored Jaden's warning and thought her next words, ignoring Cal as he tugged wildly at her. _"I believe Carth came to help, but Luce is your brother—your twin― and I am not sure you could do what needs to be done. I intend to stop Saren at any cost, and if Luce threatens the galaxy, I will put him into the ground next to Saren. Fair warning. Oh, for..."_

She turned to Cal. "What. Is. It?"

"Lava!!"

She jammed on the brakes about two inches from a pool of lava. The planet they were on was a vast pit of lava pools and red lava rock. Therum in the Artemis Tau system—her quests always seemed to take her to the nicest places. All some hazard level.

"You almost drove us into the lava!" Cal's voice went up an octave.

Cal just could not let it go. _Almost_ was the operative word. "It isn't lava, Cal. It's tomato soup."

He looked relieved and the others looked incredulous. "Oh, well, that's m-mmm, m-mmmm good then. What were you thinking about, Commander?" He had to remember to call her by her rank, although technically, being a general, he outranked her, but he was not a general any longer—at least not here, in the Alliance, so that did not count. Did it?

"I was thinking less chatter, troops. I need to keep my wits about me."

"Observation: your _nit_wits are all around you. Statement: my sensors indicate a large transport approaching."

"HK, I don't think so." Cal perused the Guide, his arms pulling Ash close against him as he held the Guide open and turned the pages. "According to the map, the first encounter with..." Gulp! "My bad. Happens right about now."

The ground underneath them rumbled as a large wasp-shaped transport scurried over them and dropped two somethings to the ground that landed with ominous thuds.

"Ecstatic statement: I think we are about to see some action!"

"What are those things?" Bao asked, trying to peer at them through one of the side views as Shepard fought the vehicle so that it was positioned sideways to the things.

"Armageddons," Cal replied promptly. "No, that's not right. We saw some on Dxun. Maybe you weren't with us, Bao, come to think of it."

"They are geth armatures." Shepard's voice felt like a rap on the knuckles to her crew.

HK's photoreceptors brightened as he gazed out the front view screen. "Amused statement: I see the geth go under the delusion that size matters. Query: May I be the one to fire the cannon?"

"No." Shepard shook her head to emphasize her point. "Brace yourselves!" she added as she activated the booster jets and the Mako jumped high in the air just as a huge streak of white energy zoomed underneath its under carriage. "Ideally, I should be able to do that and avoid their blasts each time."

_If pigs could fly, she could. You know how hard it can be to hit the "A" button to make that confounded Mako jump, timing it just right? Those of you who have played _Mass Effect_ do—for the non-players out there, it is quite an_ _experience. But enough ranting from the writer and breaking the fourth wall._

Suddenly the world went white and the view outside went all wavy and the Mako shook violently as one of the energy beams struck it.

"Or not," Tali commented, causing Bao to chuckle.

"_You_ try to maneuver this piece of junk." Shepard was unable to avoid all the blasts, although she had a rhythm going—roll forward, fire, roll back behind the cover of a conveniently placed hill… being careful to avoid rolling too far in either direction to avoid ending up in the tomato soup—er, lava--that bubbled on both sides of the narrow path. Bypass the large pipes to the right. Jump! Fire!

"One down!" Cal whooped and high-fived Bao since Shepard would not stoop to returning his open-palmed salute. He watched as the large silver armature Shepard was battling slid down into the tomato soup and disappeared. "Maybe somebody should turn down the fire. The soup might scald on the bottom."

The other armature moved in its slow, clumsy way, a sitting duck, but its blasts were taking their toll on the Mako. Cal pointed to what appeared to be a wrench that was flashing red on the console. "What does that mean?"

Ash reacted. "That means we can all kiss our tushies good-bye if we don't get out of range and repair the Mako."

"I vote we do that. All in favor?" Cal quickly raised his hand.

Everybody raised their hands and Shepard bowed to the majority, although she really did not have to, since being a Spectre meant she did not have to follow rules and regs and she was in charge, but...in this case they were right.

She pulled a U-ie and went back down to the original drop point. Tali and Bao hopped out of the vehicle and began repairing the Mako. Cal, when he stepped out, was dismayed to see black smoke and fire pouring out of various parts of the vehicle. He lent the two mechanics a hand since he had leveled up his engineering skill…well, that's what it is in this game. It made him feel useful since Shepard still did not seem to want to talk to him.

"Boy, you're in the dog house with the commander." Ashley was stretching her legs and checking the ammo in her assault rifle.

"No, I'm over here and she's over there," Cal pointed out. "And there is no dog."

Ashley ignored the comment and gave Cal a few pointers on her weapons and he showed her the hilt of his lightsaber, knowing he could not show her the blade. She thought it was uselessly pretty, but at least she seemed to like him, although he wondered if his bonding talent was taking over again. He hoped not, as he already had Mira and Bastila to contend with. His forehead wrinkled as another name almost came to mind, but then slid into obscurity. Thank the Force the Handmaiden had been left behind, although he felt terribly guilty when he thought of her. She had been tricked by Kreia, the wicked hag of the West _and _East, to take her to Atris. The hag's plan was to give Atris the final push over to the dark side. Kreia just needed to use her little finger—it would not require much strength. Atris was...

He shook his head. There was nothing he could do for HM right now. This thing with Saren and Revan meant every species was in peril, in this 'verse as well as his galaxy Far, Far Away.

"Show me how to handle this thing." He fired a few rounds with his assault rifle, not liking the feeling of the stock against his shoulder. "So uncivilized," he added.

"You'll get the hang of it. You're a natural." Ash showed him how to stow away the assault rifle on his backpack and gave him a few lessons on the Striker pistol that fit into a specially made holster in the back of the armor he was wearing. The holster was waist height and pretty easy to reach. In the Mandalorian wars he had worn the robes of a Jedi, which could be awkward. The armor was surprisingly easy to move in and it made him look like he had some of Swagger's muscles.

"You look good in that armor," Ash told him through their suit radios.

Hers molded her figure into a very pleasing package, and he told her so and received a smile for his efforts. _Compliments never hurt, especially when you mean them._

Bao and Tali managed to fix the Mako and the smoke and fires dwindled and finally disappeared. And that is when things got really hairy, and I'm not talking Wookiee fuzz or the kind that needs waxing. All the time they had been repairing the Mako, the second armature had been slowly, relentlessly tracking them and now it appeared, sending a slash of white energy at them. Everybody dove for cover.

Without thinking, Cal reacted, jerking his lightsaber from his belt, activating it, switching it on, sending it sailing through the air. He was totally surprised when he saw the rainbow blades come to life, spin through the air and shear the armature in half.

Open mouths and astounded looks changed to admiration from all the others. Except, of course, Shepard. Bao was delighted because he figured, if Cal had retained his ability to throw a lightsaber then he must have all his other powers, and that would mean Bao and the other Jedi would also have theirs. It did not turn out that way, though. Chuck, the guy who is playing the game, felt so sorry for Cal getting the shaft from Shepard that he introduced a mod for only the Exile to keep his Force powers.

"Wow!" Ashley stared at the twin multi-colored blades of energy. "I didn't think it was possible to prevent light from behaving like the Energizer bunny. You know, just keep going and going and going. How?"

Cal spun the lightsaber adeptly, feeling a sense of balance and purpose return to him just from the familiar feeling of having it in his hands. Maybe he wasn't the smartest, but he was really, really good with a lightsaber.

"Cal, I gave up my lightsaber. They said it was an impossible premise for light to be restrained." Shepard spoke quietly so the others could not overhear.

He smiled, spinning the saber, going through some flashy moves. _Darth Maul, eat your heart out!_ "Maybe because it's a game," he suggested as he deactivated the saber and hung it on his belt. "I cannot tell you how satisfying that was."

"Cal, you're not a Jedi. The game lists you as a Vanguard, which is a mixture of Han Solo and Luke Skywalker according to reviews in G-4 re-runs. That means you have biotic powers like throw and lift and you can train so you can be accurate with a pistol and shotgun."

"I think you saw wrong, Commander." They went to his personal squad stats screen. "See? It says Jedi Vanguardian." He scratched his head. "What van do I guard?"

Shepard wanted to tear her hair out by the roots. "You cheated!"

"No, maybe the _playe_r did by adding some mods so I could retain my Force powers, but it wasn't my idea. I was quite willing to start all over again to find you."

She moaned and walked away from him, taking deep, calming breaths. "There is no emotion. There is peace." She chanted it over and over again, then she returned to him. "You came here to find me and yet you had another girlfriend and keep making eyes at Williams. Just how strong am I supposed to think your love for me is?"

"I've always had a thing for women: I respect them; I protect the ones who need it; I admire them; I think they are beautiful, each in their own unique way; but you are the only one I have ever cherished, Bastila Shan!"

_(__**Cue music)**_

_Cherish is the word I use to describe  
All the feeling that I have hiding here for you inside...._

Cal took her hands and gazed deeply into her eyes.

_Oh I could say I need you, but then you'd realize  
That I want you just like Luce and Kaidan and a thousand other guys  
Who'd say they loved you and all the rest of their lies  
When all they wanted was to touch your face, your hands,  
And gaze into your eyes.  
_  
_And I do---cherish you  
Cherish is the word...._

For a moment, the world stood still as Shepard digested all the words of the song, and then she shook her head. "It's been six years, Cal. I'm not the same person you fell in love with. I can never be that innocent Padawan again, nor would I want to be. I married a Sith Lord, and when he left me, I promised I would start over. I did when I took the gig to be Shepard and then..." She stopped, remembering how she had behaved with Sylar Exile. She had been ready to give herself to him. Was it something in her, that she wanted the bad boys? Luce? Swagger? Sylar? Sweet, dumb-as-a-stick Cal―why couldn't he find a place in her heart?

"Kaidan came along?" He released her hands.

"Yes. No. I don't know! But, there is something there."

"Then accept me as a friend who wants to help you find Saren and Revan and stop the Reavers."

"Reapers," she corrected. "That was _Firefly."_

"Whatever." A tic worked in his jaw and tears shone in his eyes, but he turned his head so she could not see them.

"I do. I want to stop feeling jealous of you and Mira and Ash and all the millions of women who follow you wherever you go. I'm sure there's another one skulking about somewhere that I haven't met yet."

Cal had no idea who she was talking about. His eyes widened. "Millions? There's one thing you don't know about me. I didn't tell you back when we met because I did not have the Force, and I didn't think it made any difference, but I have the strongest Force Bondo of any Jedi ever and that may account for why you fell in love with me, forsaking your Jedi Code."

The grey eyes looked startled and apprehensive. "Force Bondo? I've never heard of such a thing."

"Well, you had your Battle Meditation—that was your gift from the Force. Mine was bonding with sentient and even non-sentient, droids included."

"So, what I felt for you might not have been real? It was just through this bondo?" She looked relieved. "I think I understand. It was like the bond forged between me and Jaden and Luce. It linked us—so I don't have to feel guilty when I see how sad you look?"

"No, Commander. You can look at me and know that I have your back." _Maybe the bond made you only think you loved me, Bas-mia, but it doesn't work that way for me. I loved you and I don't know if I will ever get over it._

Shepard grinned up at Cal and linked her arm with his and began singing,

_If you're ever in a jam, here I am._

**Cal**_  
If you're ever in a mess, S-O-S._

Shepard_  
If you ever break the rules so you land in jail; I'm your bail._

Both of them._  
It's friendship, friendship, just a perfect blendship.  
When other friendships have been forgot,  
Ours will still be hot.  
Lah-dle-ah-dle-ah-dle_

_Let's go to Liara's dig, dig, dig._

Now that the Mako was fixed and Commander Shepard was in a much improved mood, they all got back inside the vehicle to continue their journey. The geth did not make it easy on them, plaguing them with more armatures, but Shepard had the battle tactics down now and was able to engage them without any damage to the Mako. Of course, Cal did not bother to tell her he had forged a Force protection bubble around the vehicle. She should have guessed when the quadruped armatures (_which are the geth's answer to an armored planetary surface explorer that move about two steps toward their prey every minute that passes. They come equipped with a powerful stable rifle to combat ground troops and a giant Siege Pulse cannon capable of inflicting heavy damage with a large splash-damage effect)_ were taken down by their own siege pulses being diverted back to them. But Shepard was in the moment.

She stopped the Mako, making sure to stay behind cover when they came to their next objective. Cal helpfully pointed out several large red blips on the radar. "What are those? They look big!"

"They signify geth heavy turrets." She gave him a smile that melted his heart. "When you see diamond-shaped red blips like that it means something nasty's up ahead."

"I vote we go that way." Cal was referring to the Guide. "Says here the refinery, which is where we need to go, is guarded by lots of those red thingies, so there's a side path we can take and meet a lot less resistance."

"Very good!" From the praise in her voice, Cal almost expected her to pat him on the head and give him a pet treat. "That is what we shall do."

Cal hopped out of the Mako when they stopped in the side passage and used his lightsaber to take care of the single turret. The lightsaber kept flying after the turret was down, and struck a geth juggernaut and a number of geth rocket troopers. He had Master lightsaber throw, so the flying blades kept going until they found no other resistance, and then the saber returned to his hand.

"Wow! I could rip your clothes off right now." Ashley's smile at Cal was one he'd seen many times before. She definitely was being drawn to him by Force Bondo.

"Chief!" Shepard's admonition was sharp. "That is unacceptable behavior!" She winked at Ash. "Wait until you get him alone somewhere." They giggled like girlfriends seeing an old vid of Coldplay's ripped lead singer.

"We're going to find shock troopers and destroyers inside," Cal warned. "Partner up and watch each others' backs." He realized his general roots were showing, so he blew out a deep breath. "What am I saying? I'm not in charge. Commander Shepard, your orders?"

"That was a sound plan." She pointed to the four refinery housing units. "Bao and Tali, team alpha; Cal and Ash, Team Beta; Garrus, you're with me."

"Query: And where shall the lone exemplary assassin droid go, Commander Meatbag?"

Shepard got a gleam in her eye that did not bode well for HK. "Go in the last one to my left and open the gate control."

"Pitying reply: Typical. Send the droid to do the mundane work."

Cal signed to HK that there was a lot more to do than just open the gate control, then he trudged off with Ash to the building assigned to them. They scouted about the perimeter and found some crates with salvagable items inside. Ash explained he could not carry more than 150 items in his backpack, but he countered by telling her he had his RPG rucksack with him, and they could put everything in it and sort it out later. She told him to exchange his piece of crap Lancer assault rifle for the updated version they found in one of the crates and convert the Lancer into omnigel, which he did.

"Mind leaving the geth inside to me?" Ash looked ready to kick some geth butt, so he nodded, although he knew he would intervene with a Force push or something if she got into trouble. Ash crept forward. There was one good thing about the geth—they made noise, sort of like a Cylon, alerting them to their presence. Ash crouched, gesturing for Cal to provide covering fire, which he did by shooting the large pipes to the side of the passage just as they passed the door. A strange black substance began to ooze from the holes and small fires lined the edges of the ragged holes the bullets left in the metal.

"I have a bad feeling about this." Cal used one of Atton's favorite sayings. "Ash, we have to get out of here!"

He grabbed her with Force grip and dove out the door, holding her, rolling and rolling until he reached one of the storage containers the game was so kind to provide for cover. He pulled a Force shield around them as the refinery building blew sky high, raining pieces of debris. The two geth that had been hiding inside were nothing but cinders.

Shepard and Garrus appeared, twin looks of shock on their faces, although, with the turian, it was hard to tell.

"General, what did you do?" Bao approached. He and Tali had found nothing in their building aside from a secure crate. They had cracked the code to get to the supplies it contained, and Bao now held a sniper rifle in his hands.

"I used my gun to provide cover for Ash." Cal stood up and gave her a hand—but she already had two of her own, so she gave it back.

"Do you need medi-gel, Williams?" Shepard was back to sounding like little Commander Hardass again.

Ashley ran her hands over her trim body and shook her head. Casually, the hand Cal had waved to bring Force healing to her, dropped to his side. "No, I'm fine." She laughed. "That was some explosion."

"All present and accounted for, Commander." Garrus had done a head count. "Perimeter's clear."

Suddenly, all of them fell flat as the refinery's southern gate opened and the frontal turrets that had been blocked all this time, turned around and fired on the squad. Cal shook a chastising finger at the commander.

"See, you should never try to trick a droid."

"Exhilarated statements: Incinerating rounds! Spectacular! Hammer rounds! Sweet! Take that and that and that!"

The three turrets never stood a chance against the mechanic-depressive droid as HK blasted them with everything in his arsenal. Thanks to HK, everyone survived and got to level up, so he was the hero of the battle.

"I see another large red blip on the radar." Cal had elected to be the official spot-the-red-blips guy while they trekked the forbidding landscape of Therum in the Mako. He also made sure Shepard did not steer the vehicle into the tomato soup. When his stomach rumbled loudly enough to call attention, he shrugged. "Looking at all that soup's made me hungry."

Shepard tossed him an MRE (Meals that Really taste like Eck!) and after one bite he announced that his hunger had miraculously gone away. Ash whispered something to him and he brightened and nodded. Shepard made a notation in her personal journal to ask Ash what she had said to him.

To pass the time as the boring landscape rolled past, Cal asked Garrus about his stint with C-Sec.

"My father was C-Sec to the bone. He hates Spectres because they don't have to follow the rules and regs that tie our hands. See, when you serve in C-Sec, you have no choice. You have to follow rules, but Saren broke all the rules by betraying the Council. Commander, has it ever occurred to you that the Council may let him go for past services rendered?"

"I have no intention of letting him get as far as the Council chamber doors," Shepard promised through clenched teeth.

"You're going to kill him?" Cal looked a little alarmed. Is that what they did to all species that betrayed the Council, because he had betrayed them when he followed Revan to war.

Shepard seemed to have read his mind. "It's not the same Council, Cal."

Tomato soup was on one side, and big silver pipelines to the right formed a bottleneck on a long spit of land formed of red volcanic rock that was littered with the same glittering streaks as the rest of the landscape. This was the worst place to run into more geth armatures, especially since there was no room to steer the Mako.

Shepard chewed nervously on her lower lip as she plowed toward the first silver quadruped, not even trying to avoid the splash rays. The front of the Mako charged into the armature that towered above it and knocked it several feet. It slid down the incline.

Shepard turned to Cal. "Is it soup yet?" Her humor was dry, but at least it was humor.

Cal watched as the armature, unable to regain its balance, continued its slide and ended up in the boiling basin. "It's soup." He watched as points racked up on his screen like he was playing a Vegas slot machine.

"There's another one." Tali pointed over to the left to an even narrower piece of land, this one surrounded on both sides by tomato soup.

Cal fiddled with something mounted on the wall and a partition slid open. "Hey, this looks like you could shoot through it and not have to get out and be in even more danger!"

Garrus, the resident sharp-shooter, put away his assault rifle, exchanging it for the sniper rifle. He aimed, adjusting the sniper scope and a deep "whoom" reverberated through the vehicle. Half the armature's red health line was reduced and one more shot took it down.

"Good shooting, Garrus!" Cal's congratulations wrought a rare smile from the turian.

So, to you out there who have not played _Mass Effect, _after you leave the refinery there are two tunnels. Not to be repetitive, the battle at the first tunnel is _**intense**_. A Colossus (which means a fragging BIGGER version of the armatures), more damage, more troops and more chances to get killed.

As they exited the first tunnel after their major battle, Shepard drove the Mako carefully as her crew kept track of radar and the enemy. She pulled up to a structure with a tall rectangular tower with O3 painted on the grey spire. A blinking white light topped it and there were more of the pipelines snaking about the lower, squatter buildings. Sandwiched between them was the maw of another tunnel. There were small square windows shining in the sun on the outside buildings and the light dappled the route through the tunnel, keeping parts in creepy darkness and some in intense light. Cal checked the radar screen and reported two blips. Bao and Tali said they needed to stretch their legs and got out and used their assault rifles to dispatch the two geth inside the tunnel.

The inside of the tunnel appeared to Cal to be a large, hollowed out corrugated tin can and the Exile worried that tomato soup might be pumped through at any moment.

At the end of a descending ramp were three more geth. Shepard and the others gathered outside the Mako to have a small war tactics consultation. Shepard wanted to run over them like the Guide says to do, but Cal was worried she would not be able to keep the Mako from plunging into the soup, which _can_ happen! Ashley and Garrus were the only ones trained in sniper rifles, so they were chosen to take out the geth from a distance. There was a sweet spot where they could stand and the geth rockets only struck the lip of the tunnel. The crew could fire down at the geth and take them out and not risk being harmed. It worked like a charm.

This was to be their last break from fighting for some time. Whatever the geth were after, they were determined to keep Shepard from reaching the main dig site. But the Alliance soldiers became a smooth war machine: Garrus and Ash took out snipers from a distance. Bao and Tali used tech/mech skills to jam transmissions and AI hack into the geths' synthetic brains, causing them to go berserk and destroy their own kind. Shepard and HK provided cover and Cal used the Force.

And then they came to a dead end and had to leave the protection of the Mako. Two more ambushes later, Shepard led them up a sharp hill and was blinded by the blue-white sun to her left. White spots danced in front of her vision. She blinked to clear it and found she was gazing up at three tanks that shot out of the scattered rocks and crates that littered the landscape. They were of varying heights and sort of resembled grain or missile silos back on Earth. A catwalk overhead joined the large facility where the main dig must be located to the storage tank area.

Shepard had taken the Guide from Cal so she could check something, and she now handed it back. "Cal, what do you think of sending HK forward to reconnoiter?" She met his questioning look with a nice smile that should have put him at ease.

"Statement: Never send a meatbag to do a superior-in-every-way assassination droid's job." HK clutched his assault rifle filled with snowblind rounds and strode off with his peculiar gait, his long legs covering ground in a hurry, his head scanning in its jerky tri-movements.

"Commander, you did not just send HK on a suicide mission, did you?" Cal was worried when he noticed a page was missing from the Guide, the page that would tell him what was about to happen. "I insist you give me the page you tore out of the Guide," he added, his anger surfacing. HK was one of his droids, after all.

Shepard held it behind her back. "I hate that droid. He used to mock me all the time, and he cannot be trusted."

"Give it to me." Cal gestured for the others to distract her and he was able to get past her guard and grab the page. "Don't make me use the Force on you." He ignored her as he scanned the page. His mouth became an O and he scampered up the hill. "Watch out, HK--it's a trap!"

Of course, Bao followed Cal and Tali followed Bao. Garrus still looked to the commander to issue orders, but when she did not, he sighed and went after the others who had disappeared up the steep ridge. Ashley, just by her loyalty, shamed Shepard into telling her to charge and then the disgruntled commander brought up the rear.

_Cut scene. Shepard and company walk under the catwalk. Hanging on the underside of the catwalk is a strange, ugly creature curled into a ball. When the team is in range, it springs down at them, uncoiling its synthetic zebra-striped body. A geth drop ship drops troops and an armature. You are suddenly inundated with the enemy!_

Shepard had known what HK was walking into, but she had her reasons for wanting to get rid of the assassin droid. Her ploy failed and now she and her team were in a very intense fire fight. She took cover behind a nearby crate and used her biotics to pick up two of the geth and throw them into the pool of bubbling lava that was located at the end of the tanks. She signaled her troops through their suit radios, snapping out orders. She assigned Ash and Garrus to do their sniper thing. Bao and Tali were watching each other's backs in a stand against a stubborn geth sniper.

"I've been poisoned!" Tali gasped and Shepard used medi-gel to help flush it out of the quarian's system.

Cal tapped Shepard on the shoulder and almost lost his head when she fired her pistol point-blank. He Force jumped, performing a perfect back flip, and it was the only thing that saved him. He landed elegantly on a crate and cocked his head to the side as he looked down at her.

"Two things, if I may: one is, your people tend to shoot each other's shields when they fire at the enemy. You might suggest they stop doing that. And, two is when Atton got poisoned I used to talk to him or we would play pazaak until his health was back to normal. Might save some of your medi-gel."

Shepard glared at him. He was still standing on top of one of the abundant crates. "You better get down before one of the hoppers triggers his laser sight and fries your butt," she told him sharply.

He hopped down lithely, able to move in the armor as well as in Jedi robes. "Thanks for the warning. He was about to ask her why she called these particular geth "hoppers" when they began to hop, target, fire, hop, target, fire with their sniper rifles, shooting poisoned bullets. It only took one shot to take down the kinetic shields on their armor. Cal quickly erected a Force shield and threw his lightsaber at one of the menaces, the saber tracking it even as it hopped from the position under the catwalk. The Force had no limitations. He seized several geth in a whirlwind and tossed them into the soup.

"Hey!" Cal said in excitement. "I just noticed that I'm wearing armor and I can use my Force powers. I can't do that in my own game."

Tali and Bao showed up, panting. "Armature ahead of us, Commander," Tali informed her superior. "Stay behind the crates."

"Is that all that remains?" Shepard's cool voice calmed the battle lust in them and they nodded.

"The general should take care of it with his lightsaber." There was a show of hands as the other troops joined them.

"Quiet!" Shepard commanded. "I can take down one stupid armature. All of you stay here."

Cal took her by the arm and led her behind another crate. He pointed to their right where, on top of a hill, were a couple more crates. "If I was you, I'd take cover behind one of them. Gives you enough distance not to take a full splash attack from it. Duck back behind the crate and then shoot it."

"You pick now to become smart?" She checked her rounds and decided to stay with the incinerating bullets.

"I still retain some of my battle tactics. Now, go be a hero." He gave her a gentle push and she darted to the top of the hill.

The fight took a lot longer than it would have if Cal had used his lightsaber against the armature, but Shepard persisted and her excited battle cry when the thing went down was music to Cal's ears.

"Perimeter clear." Garrus's announcement made Cal look about in a worried fashion. _Is there an unworried fashion? I suppose relaxed-fit jeans would count. _Cal shook his head to get out of one of his inner arguments that would distract him, and looked at Garrus. "You know, Garrus, I lost track of how many times you said that today and more geth appeared. Are you _sure_ this time?"

"Perimeter is clear, Cal. It's one of the stock phrases I'm given and I say it on cue."

"But haven't you noticed you've been saying things and doing things you never did before? You don't have to be just a character—you can be real. You can have your own thoughts—react the way you want."

"Cal, no more of your cheating or I'll bring you up on charges of insubordination." Shepard's glow at defeating the armature and regaining the respect of her people diminished when she found Cal telling Garrus such drivel.

Cal saluted her sharply. "Shall Bao and I wait outside so the three of you can go inside and continue on your own?"

"Tempting as that may be, as you can see, HK has already gone inside. Troops, up to the main entrance. Stay sharp."

* * *

"_Bored now." _Through their bond, Jaden had been able to see the battles and all the excitement she was missing just because SG was holding a grudge. They were going inside the main dig site. Yawning, Jaden walked through the _Normandy_, looking for her husband. XO Pressley, the Navigator, told her Carth had been seen headed to the showers. A wicked smile played about Jaden's mouth as she sneaked inside the crew shower facility. She loved to surprise her husband in the shower.

She slipped out of her clothes and tiptoed to the end stall where she could hear Carth's voice. He always talked or sang in the shower. He did other things quite well in the shower, too.

She flipped down the light switch on the wall, plunging the room into a sensuous darkness. The steam from the water undulated like a hot fog as she opened the stall door.

"Is...um... someone there?"

Jaden moved closer, knowing he could not see her. She walked her fingers over the ridge of his collarbone and was delighted as he twitched. She pressed her body against his wet, hot body and, by feel, found the soap and began to lightly scrub his chest.

He moaned, sending a shiver down her spine. "I-uh...um..."

"M-mmmm," she crooned as he slowly turned around and his strong arms went around her and...

There was a loud clearing of a throat. _Frack! We aren't alone!_

And then a soft knocking on the stall door. "Uh, sorry, but that's my wife you have in there and she's got some explaining to do."

"Carth?!" _If this isn't Carth then who...?_

Carth switched on the overhead lights and Jaden gazed up into startled dark brown eyes and Kaidan stepped back as if he hoped the stinging needles of the hot water would gouge his trespassing flesh or provide a curtain he could hide a certain part of his anatomy behind.

Carth tossed Kaidan a towel. "Here, man. Believe me, I know what you're going through. Been there, done that."

He opened the stall door and wrapped Jaden in a towel, extracting her from what was fast becoming a major embarrassing situation for the lieutenant and the married couple.

Kaidan slumped against the back wall of the shower and switched the water from hot to cold. He had thought it was....

"Aw, Shepard..." he said softly.

Carth dragged Jaden away until she planted her heels and made him stop. "I thought it was you, Carth! I swear I did."

"I know you did, gorgeous." He shook a finger at her. "We're on a ship with a guy who sounds exactly like me and it did not even occur to you to, uh, say. 'Carth, is it you in there?'"

She wiped a stream of water from her face and Carth tucked the towel about her chest to keep her lovely assets from diverting him. She gazed up at her husband, trying to gauge his mood, since he did not sound angry.

"I'm sorry, handsome." She tested his resolve by running her hands up to his shoulders. "There are differences, and I would have known he wasn't you. For example: your chest is wider and he has that swoop thing about his hair while you have those two endearing locks that hang over your forehead that just drive me and every other female wild." She took his hands in hers. "And warm, loving hands with calluses from all those years firing your blasters--that have just the right amount of roughness, and when you run them over my skin..." She shivered.

"Are you working me, woman?" Carth's eyes sparkled.

She glanced up at him through her wet eyelashes. "Is it working?"

"Go on. Let's see what you've got."

"Oh, I want to show you what I've got." Her double entendre made him smile.

"Oh, yeah? How?"

Jaden led him into the first shower stall, but there was a small cough and Kaidan dashed by, enveloped in a robe. "It's all yours," he blurted as he raced past them.

"Alone at last." Jaden pulled loose the towel and tossed it over the shower door. She helped Carth undress and hot water sluiced over their bodies. "Take your lips," she continued. "Yours are perfect; Kaidan's are nice, but his mouth is too full for my taste." Her hands and lips explored Carth. "Of course, there are some things you are going to have to take my word on."

"Come here!" Carth pulled her against him. "I miss the kids," he admitted after some heavy, hot kissing. "Little Hiro and Misija. I think they were conceived in one of our shower romps, weren't they, beautiful?"

"Probably. Larry's watching them for us, and Biz Z and Mission, too, but I do miss them." She sighed and melted into his arms. "Time for talking is over. Time for T-rating to take us to another scene now. I want you so much, Carth!"

And as they departed, two heads popped around another stall door. Big blue eyes and wide green eyes met.

"Do you think they knew we were here?" Flynn pushed his wet hair back from his flushed face.

Mira dried off and started to dress. "I doubt it. They seemed way too concentrated on each other."

Flynn swallowed hard. "Whew! I feel kinda bad. You know, about Cal. Kinda like the fella."

Mira sighed. "He just was not my type. I go for the bad boys; and you, Flynnie, are a very bad boy."

"Ain't nothin' boyish about me," Flynn was dressed now, too. He gave Mira a lavish wink. "We plan on acting like nothing's going on or being up front with this?"

"I did nothing I'm ashamed of, did you?" Mira stood on tiptoe, but he still had to lean way down to kiss her lips.

"Nope. About that promise I made to you before we... I'll have to talk to Swag. He's the captain. Final say is his."

"You really let him run your life, don't you?" Her green eyes flashed briefly, then she seemed to cool off as Flynn draped an arm about her shoulders and they left the shower room, headed to the stairs.

"Swagger and I are partners. If I get myself embroiled with a woman and want her to join up with us, as my partner, he needs to know about it. That's all."

"I need to know about what?" Swagger met them in one of the narrow staircases as they ascended toward the crew quarters.

"Dammit, I wish you'd get some cleats on them boots so I know you're coming." Flynn still had his arm about Mira's shoulders.

Swagger smirked. "What would be the fun in that? Spill it, Flynnie. What aren't you wanting to tell me?"

"Mira's leaving Cal and wants to come with us." Flynn kept it short and he watched Vasa's eyes carefully.

Swagger's features remained impassive. The eyes stayed dark brown rather than changing to obsidian, which was a positive sign. "He follows my orders, babe. Can you?"

Mira did not agree right away. She thought about the meaning behind the simple words and then she nodded.

Swagger extended a hand and she shook it. "Welcome to the crew of _The Seeker_, Mira." He moved aside so they could pass him since he was on his way down to the garage. "I give this one, two months tops, Flynn." He chuckled at the hot retort that sprang from Mira's lips at his easy dismissal of her worth. Vasa knew what he meant even if she did not. The bounty hunter/assassin had seen his womanizing partner go through women like Vasa went through death sticks. Flynn just could not hold onto a woman even though Vasa knew his partner would give the new relationship a valiant try.

"You do know assassin has _ass_ in it twice, don't you?" Mira shouted down to him.

"Yep. It also has _**sass**_and _**sin**_, babe." Swagger smirked as he stepped inside the elevator. "Emphasis on the sin part."

* * *

"Hello? Can you hear me out there? I'm trapped. I need help." A voice, young, female, floated to them as Cal and the others jumped down to a lower level.

_Cue Music._

_Hello... hello... hello  
Is there anybody out there?  
Just nod if you can hear me.  
Tell me I'm not all alone._

Shepard

_Looks like you're stuck up in the air.  
Well I can ease the pain  
And get you on your feet again.  
Relax... relax... relax.  
I'll need some information first.  
Just the basic facts._

Cal gazed at the asari who was floating in a bubble that reminded him of his Force protection bubble. "Dr. T'Soni, I presume?"

"Stop staring at her." Shepard's annoyance was back.

Cal marveled, unable to take his eyes off Dr. Liara T'Soni." She's so young and cute and...blue."

"_Yuck! Grey pants, okay, but what is that tunic, split down the middle thing with the high collar that's sorta a third white on top with that weird black pleather stripe?"_

Shepard shook her head to rid herself of Jaden's voice. She agreed with her—the outfit was hideous, but had Jaden forgotten about the horrible Jedi robes they had worn, the ones with those Joan Collins shoulder pads?

"Can we trust her?" Ash's sharp tone called Shepard back to the plot. "Her mother's working with Saren."

Shepard frowned at her outspoken chief. She really needed to talk to Ash and tell her to lighten up about the aliens, but now was not the time. "I believe her. The geth wouldn't be trying to kill her if she was a traitor like her mother."

"I am not working with my mother." Liara clenched her hands at her sides since she was trapped in the Prothean beam. While being pursued by the geth, she had entered the chamber and turned on the force field and accidentally activated the bubble of protection. "I don't know why Benezia joined Saren. I don't want anything to do with that turian _**bleep!"**_

Tali had an idea. "Saren's looking for the Conduit. You're a Prothean expert. He probably wants you to help him find it."

"But I don't..."

Cal waved his arms. "We have to go down to the main floor and activate the mining laser. Be careful. There are more geth waiting for us."

"Gleeful statement: No, there are not. I have taken care of them."

Cal and the others glanced over the railing of the catwalk and saw HK standing near the laser control unit. The droid gave them the all-clear signal. They hurried downstairs and Cal gave Shepard the code to activate the laser. A huge laser beam blasted into the earth, opening a chasm through the rock. They hopped down and found themselves in a metallic pass-through. Tali operated the computer console and the platform they were standing on turned into a lift that began to rise slowly. Once it stopped they found themselves inside the chamber where Liara was sealed. Shepard touched a button on the console located near the wall and Cal caught Liara as the bubble released her.

"Oh, thank you!" She cuddled into his shoulder a moment, then raised her head and huge, innocent blue eyes gazed at him. "You saved me from a high fall. I've been dreading falling all that way, and you caught me, and you are so strong and virile. I mean, for a human." She blushed, which turned her blue skin to a light purple. "I am afraid I may not have said the right thing."

"No." Cal grinned at her as he set her on her feet. "I am strong and virile."

"Oh, for crying out loud!" Shepard rolled her eyes. Garrus snickered behind his three-taloned hand and the others in the group stifled laughs.

"We need to get going." Shepard brought everyone back to the business at hand.

Suddenly, the ground shook and there was an ominous rumbling noise. Liara lost her balance and would have fallen, but Cal put a hand on her back to steady her.

"What the hell was that?" Ash looked like she wanted to shoot Liara; like it was all her fault.

"The laser must have blasted through some main supports," Liara explained. "This place is not entirely stable. We need to get out of here."

Cal chuckled. "Not entirely stable? I'm glad you're here to tell us these things, little Blue."

Shepard was on the suit radio. "Joker! Get the _Normandy_ down here and lock on my signal. On the double, mister!"

"Aye-aye, commander. ETA eight minutes."

The sound of rocks falling made Cal gulp. "Eight minutes? We're lucky if we have eight seconds." He turned Liara around so he could look directly into her eyes. "Which way?"

"There's an elevator—at least, I think it's an elevator, but there is a krogan with the geth. He is after me, too."

"Statement: I believe it is acceptable in these circumstances to hand over the asari to the krogan."

"HK!" Cal's admonition did not elicit an apology from the droid.

Krogan looked alike except for their armor and eye color. It was too dark to see this one clearly. He was a Battle Master and did not care whether the group surrendered the doctor or not. Like HK, he just wanted to fight.

Cal was astonished when a ball of blue-white light struck him and felled him like an ox, whatever that was. Luckily, the affect did not last long and Cal was instantly back on his feet. The krogan also had a red streaky thing―a biotic power―that he aimed at Cal, who learned to dodge them. When the creature itself turned into a locomotive, zooming toward him, the Exile forgot all about anything but self-preservation. He extended his arms and splayed his fingers and zapped the krogan and the geth with him with about 3000 volts of Force Lightning.

"Show off," Shepard muttered as she gathered the others into the cut scene.

_Cut scene._

_Rocks falling! Crashes—noises--things collapsing all about them as they run for their lives. Snippets of Liara falling behind as the others haul ass up the ramps and catwalks. Shepard yelling for everyone to go faster. Heavy dust clouds, bigger rocks falling. It's a race for their lives. And then bursting out into the sunshine, still running, not believing they made it. The _Normandy_ hovering above them. Camera zooming in on Shepard, who pauses on the catwalk to catch her breath. And added to this is Cal—last out, carrying Liara, who has twisted her ankle. She gazes into his eyes with the same intensity she has when she studies her Prothean research._

_And fade to black._

Okay, so the writer wishes to apologize to all the readers for failing to make one of the crew interesting enough for anybody to notice (or care) that this person has been missing for three chapters. Cal has an excuse—he has holes in his memory―but the rest of the crew, the droids, the writer and the readers, have not questioned the absence of this person. So, let's just see where this character is and what is happening.

Visas had been meditating aboard _The Seeker_ since it had docked on Citadel Station. When she meditated she went so deep that she was unaware of anything but the Force and her connection to it. Unfortunately, she realized that she _had_ no connection to the Force and shut out everything exterior to dwell only on the cosmic and seek the Force. But when her belly rumbled in an unladylike way, she came to herself and realized quite a bit of time seemed to have passed and she was hungry.

She fixed something to eat in the ship's small but well-stocked galley. Then she bathed and changed into different clothes and wandered through the ship in search of Cal and the others.

She stamped her foot in a rare pique. The ship was deserted! She had been left behind. How could they have just left her like this, especially Cal? She had done her thing—offered her life for his―what else did an ex-Sith apprentice have to offer? Okay, she admitted that she was blind, but that didn't count, because not having eyes did not mean she was truly blind. She could see through the Force. She was a good fighter and a loyal follower of the Exile. Had he left because he knew she had lost her connection to the Force?

She heard a noise and gave a happy little skip, but held back from going to the location. Let them find her, she decided, and retreated into the brig.

At first she thought it was Cal and Saunter, but there were vague nuances in the tone of voice and the attitude behind the tone that only a blind Miraluka could discern. No, it was Sylar and Skippy! She could feel the evil emanating from them.

Visas quickly grabbed a tarp, unrolled it and then rolled herself in it long-ways, She did not notice that her feet were sticking out the end, and it was too late to do anything about it because Sylar and Skippy were getting close!

She and Cal had a bond—the pull of the Exile had been strong enough to draw her across space, to sway her from obeying her Sith master. She didn't have the Force, but hoped the intensity of her need would convey her message to her new master.

"Cal, help me!"

The brig door opened. From beneath the tarp, Visas heard Skippy and Sylar.

"Nobody's on the ship," Skippy growled. "I was hoping to kick some ass."

"Ouch!" Sylar grumbled.

"What happened?"

"I tripped over that tarp."

"What's it doing there?" Skippy asked.

"I don't know, but it has feet."

"Feet?"

"Yes, two of them." Sylar pointed. "There."

"Hmmm." Skippy regarded the tarp for several minutes, then grabbed a corner and pulled. It unrolled and Visas tumbled across the deck.

"Who's that?"

"It's that Melaluca."

"What?" Sylar scratched his head in consternation.

"You know, that blind chick."

"Don't you mean Miraluka?"

"Didn't Mira go off with Cal?"

Sylar scratched his head again. "I thought so. But then who's this?"

"Who cares?" Skippy shrugged. "Want me to kill her?"

"Naw. Let's just toss her out and leave while we can."

"The crew went off on the _Normandy_ and won't be back for a while."

"Are you kidding?" Sylar scoffed. "Shepard brings that baby back every other mission to get more quests. They might be back any minute."

"Yeah, we picked up a few ourselves on that long elevator ride. Think she'll notice we got them?"

"Don't know, don't care," Sylar grinned. "Let's dump her and leave."

Visas was unceremoniously manhandled to the ramp and dumped on the landing bay. She heard Sylar and Skippy batten down the hatches and take off in _The Seeker_.

_A/N Sorry if I went on a writer's rant, but when I realized I'd forgotten all about poor Visas and nobody noticed, I had to rectify it. Obviously, she won't be in the story much since she is so unpopular, sigh, but Cal would never forgive me, so I did it for him. I still do not own Star Wars or Mass Effect or any original lyrics to the songs. Thanks to the readers out there! MTFBWY!_

25


	18. Chapter 18

**Chapter 18:**

**Further Escapades**

There seems to be one on every ship, and the _SSV Normandy_ was no exception: scuttlebutt. Private Scuttlebutt, to be exact, and her roommates Private Matters and Private Speculation had all been in the showers during the mix-up between Jaden and Kaidan.

It started out innocently enough for the three notorious trouble makers. Lt. Alenko was in the shower, and Mrs. Onasi, wife to the admiral who was not an admiral in this galaxy and must have felt up-staged by a lieutenant when he found him in the shower with his hot wife, was seen by the three privates. Anyway, to make Scuttlebutt short (and she was) there was a mix-up and Alenko and Jaden Onasi ended up in the shower together until she discovered her mistake and left. There was no mention in the Xtra-net mail the three stooges sent that Carth had been present. As people often do, there were comments on what was written, and the wording and the content got changed slightly, so that the e-mail Commander Shepard would view in her private quarters was not the original.

Scuttlebutt was not a bad person, and did not ever start rumors out of malice. Her texting was terrible; she never had gotten the hang of how to do it properly, so what she sent out was not what she had seen. All the My Spacers, Space Bookers, U-tu-be-or-not-tu-bees and Space Twits read a lot in between the lines and the story was eventually blown out of all proportion.

Original message was: _Saw Lt. Alenko and Mrs. Onasi in the shower. Thought something hot was going on, but then found out it was a case of mistaken identity._ Accompanied with the email was a link to U-Tu-bees showing a holo vid of the two in the shower. Cut out was Carth's rescue of his wife.

As sometimes happens, the crew stuck on board a ship for months spent a lot of time on extracurricular activities, and _The Normandy _crew's favorite haunt was the Extra-Extra-Read-All-About-It net site. The women admired Kaidan's pecs. The hot water, and perhaps Mrs. Onasi's proximity, had melted the hair gel in Kaidan's hair so that two black locks fell endearingly over his forehead. His complexion when not seen in the flickering yellow-orange screen of the console he was always trying to fix, made the women on board the ship vote unanimously in naming him hunk-of-the-month. Every month.

The guys all had their tongues dragging on the deck as Jaden tantalized and teased, but never revealed anything due to the story's T-rating.

Speculation had answered some of the emails and added her own touch of spice. Now it read: _Lt. Alenko, minding his own business, was assaulted in the shower by that Cougar Onasi chick._

Private Matters read Speculation's two-bits and decided something had to be done to rectify the wrong impression people would get of Mrs. Onasi, so she tried her hand at it, coming up with: _Lt. Alenko lured Mrs. Onasi into his shower stall by pretending to be her husband, and Carth (cute isn't he?) arrived just in time to rescue her. So romantic!_

The three privates had created a link where the crew could cast votes for the name of the new couple. Jaidan or Kaden? Or Jenko? Or Kenko? Or maybe even Jalenko?

There were reportedly two eye-witnesses who had not yet seen fit to come forward since they too had been having sex in the shower at the same time as Jaden and Kaidan.

Flynn, in Ashley's absence, had commandeered her console. He scratched the stubble on his chin and hummed softly as he considered the choices. "I'm leaning toward Jalenko. Got a ring to it. What do you think, Swag?"

When he did not get an answer, he leaned back in the chair he'd procured from a storage locker. _Didn't these soldiers ever sit down? _He craned his head around, but not so much that he was doing a Linda Blair, and spotted Swagger and Wrex still playing the game they had made up since Swagger tended to get bored easily when he was cooped up.

"You still at it? What's the game called again?"

Swagger held a heavy piece of metal shaped in a U and threw it at the krogan, who dodged the missile. Wrex quickly lobbed a grenade at the bounty hunter, who tucked and rolled, and it sailed over his head.

"Horseshoes and hand grenades," Swagger said easily, smirking at Wrex. "That one missed me by a mile, Wrexie."

"Let me get this straight." Flynn straightened up and turned his chair around. "_You_ are throwing pieces of metal called horseshoes at _him,_ and _he_ is throwing live grenades at _you,_ and you call that a game?!!"

"Toughen up, Flynnie. Didn't the Mandies let you play their Mandie games when you were a kid?"

"I was adopted by the Mandies after my family was killed, and you are changing the subject."

"The grenades aren't strong enough to even make a decent wound." Wrex was defending his position. "Ha!" he added, tossing another at Swagger. "That one almost got you!"

"What kind was that?" Swagger was mildly curious as he extinguished some cinders on his clothing.

"Don't know. Made a nice sizzling sound and some nice red pinwheels in the air. What else do you want?"

Flynn scooted back in his chair and came to his feet. He walked over to the krogan and examined one of the grenades. "Incendiary grenades?" He tossed it back. "You threw a grenade that melts the person into red sparkles at Swagger Vasa?"

"Aw, it's a first gen—only worth eleven credits. Shepard got it at the beginning, when everything we find in the crates is crap. He's not hurt."

Atton strolled over. He was bored and wanted somebody to play pazaak with him. "At least you get your stuff out of lockers and crates. Most of our stuff came off 'remains' of the guys we killed." He rifled through the cards in his worn deck. "I miss the good ole days when Cal and I would play pazaak in the middle of a battle while the others played dead so that our red health line would get back to full strength." The pilot stared around the garage. "One chair?! What in space is going on?"

Swagger ignored Atton's complaining and patted out another spark, treating the krogan to a long-suffering look. "You burned holes in my shirt, ya idiot!"

"Sorry. Wanna arm wrestle?" Wrex held out a fist the size of Texas and essentially the same shape. When Swagger shook his head, Wrex looked hopefully at Atton who also declined.

Saunter came into the garage. He had been in the gym that was not shown as being in the ship, but then neither were the latrines or showers, for that matter. The kid had his shirt off and a towel was draped over one bare shoulder.

"Somebody has been working out." Mira whistled at Saunter who blushed. "You're not that gawky wannabe anymore." She could not resist baiting the kid a little.

He dried off his head and was about to pull his shirt on when she sneaked up behind him and pressed her ample bosom against his back.

Swagger signaled to Wrex―game over―and turned to watch.

Saunter jumped about three feet forward he was so surprised and bumped into Wrex who was still holding the grenade. The krogan had just removed the pin and it fell to the deck. The grenade was knocked out of Wrex's hand and went high up into the air. Saunter continued forward, slamming into Flynn, who crashed into Atton who banged into the guy that sold the supplies and they all ended in a tangled heap on the deck while the grenade reached its zenith and then came down again. Vasa's hand shot out, caught the grenade. Swagger squatted down, retrieved the pin and put it back in the grenade.

He rose and turned his back on the pile of pissed off beings that all had one thing in common: they wanted Saunter's blood. His head went back and snorting laughter could be heard. He turned around and winked at Mira. "Nice going, Red."

"Ow!' Saunter cringed away from the enraged krogan. Wrex had regained his feet and was rushing the kid in his krogan way. Vasa was unsure how the krogan managed to move so fast since he was the incredible hulk and really not built for speed. Did he have the biotics that seemed so prominent in this place?

Swagger placed himself in harm's way as the krogan rolled toward him like he was the nine pin in a bowling alley. "It was an accident, Wrex. Chill."

"It is a thing of honor. You told me about being half Mandalorian, Vasa. You know I must avenge this slight to my honor."

"Oh, honor, schmonor." Flynn was back on his feet and gave Atton a hand up. "He's a clumsy kid."

"Hey!" Saunter was blinking furiously. "Nobody move! I lost one of my dark contacts."

Swagger made a rude noise. "You still wearing those, kid? What'd I tell ya? Don't walk like me; don't talk like me; don't dress like me and you are NOT to smoke like me. Got it?"

Saunter nodded if a little sullenly. "Got it." He was down on his hands and knees searching in the dark for the dark contact. "I only wear them on the bright planets. I have sensitive eyes."

Swagger shook his head. "Figures."

"Hey, it's my fault. I startled Saunter." Mira rolled her eyes at the still angry krogan. "Relax, will you? I'm sorry. Does that make up for the honor slight?"

"Yes." Wrex walked off in a huff and stood in his customary place in the garage.

Swagger tapped the requisition officer's shoulder. "You run a shop here, right? So, can I exchange some of this armor and rounds I'll never use because they don't do a damn thing and some of these weapons that shoot endless bullets for some effin' chairs?"

Flynn cleared his throat importantly. "I found a secret stash of 'em in this supply closet over there but you can't see it because they keep it so dark in here." He hurried over and brought out some ergonomic chairs. "Comfy, so we don't have to stand all day."

"Thanks, partner." Swagger dumped the contents of his backpack on the deck and dug through them, making a pile of discards. "What will you give me for these?" When the man quoted the prices, Vasa's eyes narrowed and his hand lowered to the dagger in his boot sheath. He removed it with a snickety-snick sound, flipped it and threw it in one smooth motion. The handle quivered beside the man's head. The blade was embedded in his console. "Care to up that figure?"

Mira was now on her hands and knees beside Saunter trying to help him find the contact. Flynn was back in the closet trying to locate a decent light to shed on the deck. Swagger sank in one of the comfortable chairs and told Atton to bring another over. They began playing pazaak. Atton was understandably nervous when he won the first game.

Wrex took a chair over to the place where he normally stood and immediately fell asleep, snoring loudly enough to awaken all the zombies in the galaxy. But, sh-hhh! None of Cal's crew knows about them and Shepard has not seen fit to tell them.

When they returned from Therum, Shepard took her crew into the Comm room and had a debriefing. She was tired. The trip had taken a lot longer than it should have since Joker had dropped them zillions of miles from where they needed to be and they had to trek that long distance with Cal freaking out about driving into the tomato soup. Joker had rescued them as ordered, but now they returned to the planet surface. Tsoni had dropped her research as she exited the death trap.

Cal insisted on carrying Dr. Flirty Eyes all the way back to the facility. She was giggling as Cal switched to carrying her over his shoulder, one hand planted firmly on the rubber stretching across her shapely bottom.

Her blue fingers closed around his impressive bicep. "I am not really up on my physiology of the male of your species, but you have pleasing shapes to your muscles and the strength in them makes me think of something besides the Protheans who I have been studying for fifty years."

"Really? How old are you, Blue?"

"Are...nicknames a part of the human psychology? Do you wish to compliment me by calling me this? I must admit I find it pleasing."

"No, it's what color you are. If I wanted to compliment you I'd tell say, 'Oh, baby, you make me hot and I'm having fantasies about you involving mood lighting and a furry rug in front of a fireplace.'"

Ashley muttered to herself as Liara giggled again. To Shepard she said in a low voice. "Give the order, Commander, and I'll shoot her in the... What are those things on her head? Tentacles?"

"Stand down, Williams. You really have to stop sounding so racist against aliens." Shepard motioned Ashley to move ahead and added venomously, "If anybody shoots her, it will be me."

"Do you want to go and get your precious notebook?" Shepard smiled sweetly at Liara who Cal was once again carrying in both his arms.

"I would, Commander, but, I am afraid—my ankle, you know."

"I'll carry her there." Cal started off. "She's really light." He smiled at Ashley. "When we get back she can sit in my lap. My legs were going numb from all the weight of your heavy armor, Ash."

"_Now_ can I shoot him?"

Shepard thought about it, but could not condone it. "No, but I might let you shoot her. She isn't as innocent as she lets on. She's been making eyes at **me** all the while **he's** been carrying her."

"I've heard that asaris are mono-gendered. They can get jiggy with male or female and prefer to have their partner from another species." Ash leaned against the Mako. "And that's another reason why I hate aliens."

Shepard shuddered. "I know. Me, too. Especially when that damned cat was running around the ship and Ripley's trying to find it and the audience knows the alien's there, waiting to leap out at her." She wiped her suddenly sweaty palms on the side of her armor. Oh, how she missed her Jedi leotard from KotOR. "And they have acid for blood!"

She stopped when she saw the funny look Ashley gave her. "Ma'am, I meant the asaris, turians, hanar, salarians and elcor. What's up with that? I mean, how important are they when all their species names are spelled in lower case?"

Shepard fought down a wave of prejudice. She had always gotten along with Twi'leks, Wookiees, Rodians and all the rest of the _Star Wars_ gang, but these aliens, they seemed to hold humans in low esteem. They were the ones who were prejudiced.

She supposed she should have gone with Cal since everybody was in her charge, but Liara was pushing all the wrong buttons. She heard a noise, pulled her shotgun and almost blew Cal's head off when he and Liara appeared as if by magic.

"Did you know, Commander, that Cal. He has said I can call him that. Do you know he has healing abilities the like I have never seen? He healed my ankle and then he swept me into the fastest tango ever and we crossed the ground we had covered as if by magic."

"How nice for you both." Ashley was quivering with barely suppressed anger.

"I call shotgun!" Liara laughed. "Is that correct, Cal?"

He grinned. "You'll be sitting on my lap, Blue, but if you want to hold a shotgun while you do, that's fine with me."

"Oh! You make me turn all these delicious colors, Tan!"

Shepard tapped her ear as if she was wondering if she'd heard right. "Tan?"

"Yeah, I call her Blue and she calls me Tan--- you know, because I am. She has a nickname for you, too."

"Please do not think badly of me, Commander. I have not been around many people and my nickname for you may not be appropriate."

"What is it? Commander Khaki? Commander Black? Commander Pink and White?"

Liara looked confused. "Those...are very nice, but, no. I call you Commander Prissy Princess."

Suddenly, Shepard launched herself at Liara and the two females rolled around, getting Shepard's armor scratched and dented from the biotic powers the asari used on her and Liara's rubber archeologist suit got some strategically-placed tears in it. Cal tried not to ogle the exposed blue skin. He and Ashley pulled them away from each other.

"Is that the human method of accepting a compliment, because I have to admit it puzzles me. It fits no known protocol I have studied."

"You threw me into a boulder!" Shepard tried to smooth her hair, but found it was just as stiff and unresponsive as, say, plastic. At least in KotOR her hair had moved a little like a small breeze sifted through her hair, except for the one long lock she had plastered across her forehead. Carth's two locks had moved as they dangled over his forehead. Why, could such an advanced RPG with the eyes and the face reacting and the characters having voices, why couldn't they have done something with the hair? At least she did not have abnormally huge hands like _Dragon Age_. That was a relief.

"A small rock. A very small rock. Yes, I am sure it qualifies as a rock. Maybe even a pebble."

Cal rolled his eyes and one almost ended up in the tomato soup. He scurried to catch it and dived into the Mako before Shepard and Ash could leave him behind. He could sense they were upset, but had no clue why. Did women even need a reason?

Liara sat in his lap. Cal healed both of the frazzled females, knowing he would give Atton a blow-by-blow of the fem-on-fem fight when he saw his buddy. He had the moon roof or was it sun roof?—Anyway, he had it open and he saw something that looked like a giant metal claw descend. It came down and clamped about the Mako, lifting it into the air, up to the loading ramp and then a winch chain pulled the vehicle inside the garage.

Once they were back in the Comm room again, Liara made what should have been a quick in and out a lot longer. Shepard told her about the beacon on Eden Prime and her vision. Liara's fascination with the Protheans turned into a full scale lecture and then she asked to meld her mind with Shepard's, to see if she could help her make sense of the vision.

The asari was startled as was everyone when Shepard began to sing in an off-pitch tone. "Memories light the corners of my mind. Orange and red and yellow memories of the way the Protheans were. Scattered pictures and a lot of screaming in my head..."

Gasping, Liara broke the mind meld and jumped back, clapping her hands over her ears. "I am sorry, Shepard, but you were so badly out of tune I could not fully interpret the vision. The beacon must have been badly damaged, or perhaps it is just your voice. I wish I could be of more help. Whoa! I feel dizzy and faint. This may be because I have not eaten or slept in several days." She put a hand up to her head. "Are my ears bleeding? Do I even have ears?"

"I'll carry you to the med bay." Cal picked her up as if she weighed nothing and walked out of the Comm room.

Kaidan hung around after everyone else had left. "Commander, might I have a minute of your time? Off the record?"

"Say what's on your mind." She sat down at the console and typed in her password _Prissy Princess_ and hit _change password_. She accessed her email for the day—some drivel from the Council, ten new side quests from Admiral Hackett of the brass military and what was this from Private Scuttlebutt? Her last vid had really been amusing. Shepard leaned back in her chair. She had bought it from one of the merchants on Citadel Station or she would not have had one either. Captains Kirk and Picard got to sit down while on the bridge of the _Enterprise_; Captain Solo got to sit down while he flew the _Millennium Falcon_; Carth, flying the _Ebon Hawk _got to sit down. The people on both sides of the aisle she walked down every day got to sit down. Why was there such a chair shortage? And why was she so obsessed by it? Who cared if she got to sit down after slaughtering geth and risking her life for the galaxy?

"You're thinking about the lack of chairs again, aren't you, Commander?"

She glanced up and found she could not look away. There was something different about him. His hair was softer and had two locks dangling over his forehead.

"That mind of yours is off somewhere else. Perhaps this isn't a good time, Commander."

"You can call me Shepard while we are in these causal clothes and in my private quarters or conversing at your flickering computer console."

"Uh, um...you got it, Shepard. Are you always this informal with the crew?"

"Only with you." She had to run her fingers through his hair. She just had to! It was soft and springy and did not feel like plastic. "How did you get your hair like this?" she marveled.

"Uh, well, I, Mrs. Onasi gave me some special cream rinse and conditioner. It has plastic remover as one of the ingredients."

Shepard was lost in the feel and the smell of the lieutenant she was coming to like more and more. She pushed back and rolled over his toes, but they were incased in steel-like boots so no harm was done. She stood up and turned to face him.

"Kaidan..."

"Shepard?"

"_You've got mail!" _She could not believe in the year 2148 they still had that annoying voice.

It was just the kind of obnoxious interruption that can spoil a fluff moment. Sighing, Shepard turned to open the email and when she turned around again to regard Kaidan, her eyes had gone yellow and lighting flickered across her fingertips. Startled, she put her hands behind her back. "Lt, you are dismissed---from my quarters and from my life! Get out!"

Bewildered, Kaidan left, muttering, wondering what he had done.

Shepard turned back to the console and viewed the vid of Kaidan and Jaden in the shower. "I'm going to fry her buttinski ass!" She fumed as she made her way to Jaden and Carth's cabin.

Jaden felt the dark side pulsing through Shepard even before the door to the cabin flew open. "I did not have sex with Lt. Alenko!"

"I just saw the vid of you in the shower with him."

Carth quickly explained what really had happened and Shepard's eyes slowly turned from yellow to their light color. Jaden folded her arms over her chest and glared at Shepard.

"Do you really think if I was going to cheat on my hunky husband that I would pick Lt. Alenko? I mean, he's cute, but, wake up, GI Jane! Swagger Vasa is on board! Duh!"

Carth was glad that he was not the jealous type as his rambunctious wife's outburst just made things worse. He sighed and swiped at the two locks of hair that were constantly in his eyes but Jaden had told him she would divorce him if he cut them or restrained them with gel.

"So, see there's nothing for you to worry about, GI Jane. You and I have never had the same taste in men."

"Oh, I would not say that. I would do it with Swagger in a heart beat if he showed the least interest. He looks at his daggers more than he does at me."

"That you see." Jaden's mouth quirked into a naughty grin. "Swagger knows how to look without you being able to tell. Maybe you should show you are interested and see what happens."

"Do you really think I stand a chance?" Shepard saw she was being strung along and her face went bright pink. "Why do I even try when it comes to you, Jaden?"

"Does it really matter? You came in here ready to zap me with the Force—sorry, biotic powers because you thought I made a play for Kaidan. It is Kaidan you're interested in, right? So what does it matter that I bait you when it comes to Swagger?"

"Because you are so bloody annoying when you do it!"

"Well, if you weren't so bloody gullible it wouldn't be so much bloody fun! And maybe that'll teach you not to leave me behind on these bloody missions!"

"Well, I never!" Shepard huffed and glared at her nemesis.

Carth groaned, knowing what Jaden would say before she said it as his wife put her hands on her hips and glared right back. "And that's your problem!"

Shepard stalked out of the cabin and promptly went and apologized to Kaidan, but she explained she had to go talk to the rest of the crew since it was her job to get personal side quests going. She took the slow elevator ride down to the garage/engineering. She did not leave the elevator once the door opened because she was seeing the impossible. Everyone present was sitting in a comfy chair.

Swagger had stopped playing cards with Atton because Cal had returned and the bounty hunter/assassin did not like to hang out with the Jedi. It was not on his cool meter. He and Flynn were playing a regular game of horse shoes. Saunter had never found his contact so he had popped the other one out and a pair of light blue eyes met hers and he flashed his dimples when he smiled.

"Commander on deck!" the kid announced, more as a warning than respect.

"At ease." She noted with some irritation that Vasa and Flynn did not stop their game. She approached Garrus who had a chair pulled up, his feet propped up on his console and was consulting his omni tool.

He quickly got to his feet. "Commander."

"Garrus, let's get past all the C-Sec drivel and you tell me what quest I need to get for you."

"Well, there was this geneticist doctor…His name was Dr. Saleon."

"Sounds like she needs to find the Saleon solution, heh!" Flynn chuckled at his own joke and Swagger smacked him hard on the shoulder.

What seemed like pages of dialogue later, Shepard summed up. "Okay, so you gave me the coordinates to locate his ship and he calls himself Dr. Heart now and he grows organs inside the donors and you want to kill him. Does that about sum it up?"

"Yes, Commander."

"E-wwww! Yeouch! That must've hurt." Cal was back from visiting Tali in the engine room. "I saw a piano once and organs would be even worse. You know, with all those pipes."

Atton groaned and smacked his forehead. Flynn slapped his leg and guffawed and Swagger pointedly ignored the Jedi. Atton stood up, stretched, and turned to Cal.

"Organs like the heart and liver, Cal."

"That's just gross!"

"Exactly." Garrus's one eye that did not have the cool sniper's patch over it, brightened. "Now he goes by Dr. Heart and I just happen to have the coordinates so we can take time off from saving the galaxy to go after him." He seemed to be stuck on the same conversation on the dialogue wheel.

"Is he important to the plot?" Shepard asked, tapping her foot impatiently.

Garrus shook his head. "No, but he is the only side quest I can offer and it is more important to find him and stop him from victimizing even more innocents than to locate Wrex's armor."

"Hey, you turian-in-a can!" Wrex jumped out of his chair and charged.

"Stop!" Shepard was not wearing a gun. If she had been, she would have shot both of them.

"Rooster head!" Garrus flapped his arms and walked around like Mick Jagger.

"Lizard entrails!"

"Slug head!"

"Doo-doo breath!"

"Shut the effin hell up!" Swagger roared. He pulled two daggers and let them fly at the two aliens.

Cal Force gripped the daggers and brought them into his hand then returned them to the disgruntled Vasa. "We don't throw knives at our own people," the Jedi admonished.

Swagger tucked the daggers back in his boots and stood there with his arms crossed over his chest.

Cal whistled to Wrex and Garrus to get their attention. "And we don't call each other names. This is just the sort of thing Saren and Revan want—us turning against each other and losing our focus on what is the real objective, which is to stop them from finding the Conduit."

Atton's mouth fell open a moment and then he closed it with a snap. "Cal, everything you just said made sense. Did you find a way to level up your intelligence?"

"No, but I know Revan." He took turns looking at them. "Saren only thinks he's running things."

Wrex muttered something, but went back to his chair to nap. Garrus decided he better repair the Mako and Swagger went for a walk.

"I had everything under control." Shepard grabbed Cal by the arm and pulled him out of earshot of the others. "I am in command, Cal. You are no longer a general."

"You don't have to be in command to see this group lacks the leadership they need." At her angry expression, he added, "I don't mean you aren't capable, _Shepard_. You have to care about them."

"I...do care. See that kid over there?" She pointed to Saunter who was back crawling on the deck looking for his contact. "I lost one a little older than that. His name was Richard L. Jenkins. An eager young corporal that I didn't even know long enough to find out what the L stood for—a kid I talked to right before I went on the mission and got a lousy 50 experience points for—a kid who came with me and Kaidan to Eden Prime for the _Normandy's_ first shake-down run." She wiped a tear away, keeping herself concealed from sight behind Cal. "That was all it was supposed to be and then when we got there we viewed a live video of the soldiers being wiped out, so the three of us were sent to the planet to investigate. We weren't on the ground even five minutes before Jenkins was cut down by geth drones." Another tear slid down her face. "Their firepower cut through his shields. The poor lad never had a chance."

Cal nodded, completely understanding what she was going through. "I saw so many soldiers and Jedi die in the Mandalorian Wars, especially on Dxun. Each one chipped a little bit off me and made me less a man, less the general, until Revan ordered the attack on Malachor V and all those deaths..." Cal shuddered. "I cut myself off from the Force so I would stop experiencing the pain of losing all those soldiers." He put his hands on her shoulders. "Bas-mia, don't lose yourself like I did. To care, to bond with your people, is not wrong. It makes you stronger."

Her tear-filled eyes widened. "You sound like the Cal I knew."

He smiled modestly down at her. "I have my moments—just a few, but I still have them."

"I'll try not to be so hard-nosed, Cal. I know I have shut myself off from them because finding Saren before he finds the Conduit has to be the most important thing and I have to focus on that." She put her face in her hands. "And now Jaden and Carth show up and tell me things are even worse—that Revan is involved."

"To save billions is very noble, but you have to start with those around you, Bas-mia."

"Don't call me that, Cal. I am no longer that woman."

"To me, you always will be." He gently wiped the tears away, turned and joined the others.

Shepard watched as they made room for him, seeing the welcome in their eyes, the smiles. Was it Cal with his bonding gift from the Force that drew them to him or was it just Cal?

Had she known what Cal was telling the others, her thoughts would not have been so nice.

"Guys and girls and ...Wrex, I have a surprise for you. The ship has some of those big magnets that you see attach to the _Normandy_ when she docks at Citadel Station on the underside. When we returned to the surface of Therum, I contacted Joker and asked if he would attach them to one of the mondo Makos I located and now we can go on more than one mission at a time and gain more points and level up faster."

The men clapped him on the shoulder and the women fawned all over him because, like he had told Ash earlier, he _was_ strong and virile. He and Atton high-fived. Saunter finally found his dark contact and high-fived Cal's other hand, planning to put them back in after he cleaned them.

"Can I go on one of the side quests?" the kid asked, tucking the contacts into the cleaning solution in the case he carried. He swished them around and the bubbling liquid cleaned and sanitized them. It took him only a couple seconds to put them into his eyes.

"Wrexie's armor sounds safe enough," Flynn whispered to Vasa. "Not that we like safe, but, you know, just to get our feet wet. What d'ya think?"

"Sure." Vasa signaled to the krogan and Saunter. "We'll go get the armor while Shepard's off doing something more important." Swagger snapped his fingers at the kid. "No contacts, and start acting like yourself. Deal?"

Saunter nodded and immediately popped out the contacts, revealing his startling light blue eyes.

"Whoa!" Ashley had never seen his natural eye color and was impressed. "Cute!"

"Too young, babe. Now, if you like a challenge." Vasa dipped his head and looked at Ashley through his dark lashes.

"All right, who wants to sign up with me, Cal and Garrus to go after Dr. Heart?" Shepard tapped her foot when nobody raised his or her hand. "How hard can it be people? We go in, take him out. Quest done."

Atton raised his hand. "I'll go."

"Very well. We can manage one more, although it is crowded."

Bao-Dur, who was tired of staying in the background, was the next to volunteer. After a short pause, Shepard agreed and the team hurried to their lockers to grab their weapons.

"What about Saren?" Ashley queried, miffed that she had not been chosen. "You know, BFF, we need to save the galaxy from Saren and that involves keeping him from finding the Conduit."

Cal looked puzzled which, for him, was becoming an art form. "You're going on a side quest when all that is at stake?" He grinned. "Glad to see I'm not the only one." He glanced about the garage. "Anybody else got a stupid, pointless side quest that takes us away from the main quest?"

Wrex nodded and told him about his family armor had been stolen. Cal smacked a fist into his palm. "Now that's what I'm talking about, people! What could be more pointless than that?"

"You are forgetting something, aren't you?" Shepard clapped her hands to bring them to order when they started talking all at once. "We only have one Mako."

Cal bit his lip. "I swear I was going to tell you. I found a Mondo Mako when Liara and I went back for her notebook and asked Joker to haul it up. So, now we have two." He raised two fingers behind the back of Atton's head and made rabbit ears. "Two."

There were snickers from the crowd until Atton moved so Cal could not do the stupid bunny trick anymore. "Hardy ha-ha, Cal. What are you—twelve?"

"Twelve what?"

Flynn nudged Swagger in the ribs. "Hey, Swag, since we got the Mondo Mako, that means maybe we should invite some more of the crew along."

Vasa's brows rose into his hairline. "Got somebody in mind?"

"Jaden, Carth, Mira, Ash, Tali, that cute little blue gal…"

Swagger held up three fingers. "Try again."

"Okay, first three."

Swagger shrugged as if he cared less. "Go get them and I'll let Red know."

Joker interrupted, telling Shepard she had a communication from the admiral she'd met in the Citadel Tower. She took it in the comm room and returned to the garage to tell them their mission had changed. They were going to Edolus in the Sparta System in the Artemis Tau cluster to find out about some missing marines. Both teams would be deployed.

***

"Is that ever going to get any easier?" Cal asked as the Mako's wheels hit the ground. He had braced for impact this time, but still felt as if his spine had rearranged itself.

Shepard's eyebrows rose. "Probably not."

"Reminds me of Korriban." He gestured at the sand whipping around the Mako.

"This is Edolus," Shepard explained carefully. "You won't see any Sith tombs here. The distress call is almost due north of where Joker set us down."

"I have a bad feeling about it." Atton was greeted by moans from Cal and Bao-Dur.

"Better save the game." Cal gave a nod toward Atton. "Atton's the disaster master."

"If you say so," Shepard sighed.

The Mako trundled over dunes of sand and rocky precipices on its way to locate the beacon Joker had picked up from orbit. The ride was bumpy, as usual, made all the more uncomfortable by the howling wind that slammed pebbles and stinging sand against the view ports. Cal was relieved that the screen didn't show any red blips, but worried about tumbling into a crevasse or over a cliff.

Cal was lulled into a state of this-is-the-same-as-all-other-Mako-rides when he heard a strange sound.

"Is somebody hungry?"

"What?" the crew asked in unison.

"Somebody's tummy is rumbling." Cal put a hand on his own stomach, but it felt full. "Ya gotta eat before a mission, people."

Then something seemed to shake the ground.

"Earthquake!" he shouted and sat bolt upright.

Shepard said nothing, one eye focused on the screen and the other on the terrain. It was a strange expression―eyes focused in two directions at once―but Cal understood that it had to be done.

Suddenly something burst through the ground ahead, raining chunks of rocks and sending a geyser of sand into the air.

"Yeow!!!" Cal would've jumped out of his seat if the Mako's roof hadn't been in the way. "What is _that?"_

"It's a Thresher Maw." Shepard steered away from the creature and headed toward rocky ground.

"It's a giant worm with a big mouth!" Cal watched as the monster spewed green slime. "And it spits poison! And it's got tentacles!" His fingers dug into the arms of his seat. "Go faster!"

Shepard maneuvered in a zig-zag pattern to dodge green blobs and finally reached the safety of rocky ground where the Thresher Maw couldn't burst through.

"Where did that thing come from?" Cal turned in his seat to look back at the plain. "One minute there was nothing, and then…" He clapped his hands together. "Bam! There it is!"

"They live underground," Shepard explained.

"They come up and kill whatever comes near." Carth's voice came over the intercom from the Mondo Mako that Swagger had parked on top of a hill made up of thick, hard rock.

"Why?" Cal wanted to know. "Do they eat us?"

"No." Shepard shook her head. "They just kill."

"What was that green stuff? Poison?"

"Acid," Garrus explained.

"Really?" Cal rubbed the view port and squinted into the whirling sand. He could not see more than a few feet.

"We'll sit here and wait a while, then try again." Shepard got as comfortable as she could in the Mako. Her experience told her they could leave rocky ground within a few minutes. "It took me by surprise. There's a trick to killing them. We lure it out, shoot it and retreat as many times as it takes and repair the Mako when it is damaged."

The sandstorm raged outside, the Mako idled, and the only other sound was an occasional squeak when Cal rubbed his view port, not understanding that what blocked his vision was outside, not inside the vehicle.

"We'll try now," Shepard decided and shifted into gear. The Mako rumbled slowly off the rocks and onto the plain. She went slowly, hoping the Thresher Maw wouldn't sense them, and they were about mid-way across the plain when the Thresher Maw once again burst through the landscape and towered over them.

"Duck!" Cal put his hands over his head as the creature disgorged more green acid.

"That won't help." Atton patted Cal on the shoulder. "The only thing we can do is run for rocky ground like we just did."

Cal cringed as green acid blasted the sand around the Mako. Then he had an idea.

"Wait!" he cried. "I have an idea!"

Shepard pulled to a stop on the rocks and turned in her seat to look at Cal. "I'm open to suggestion."

"And you're asking Clueless Cal," Flynn's grumbling could be heard from the other Mako that had never stirred from its rocky perch.

Cal thumbed the communication button. "Hey, Joker!"

"Comin' in loud and clear, Cal." Joker's voice filled the Mako.

"Is Dr. Chakwas handy?"

"I'm right here, Cal." What the doctor was doing on the bridge was anybody's guess, but it was convenient.

Shepard and the others listened as Cal explained what he wanted.

"Pick up the Mondo Mako, and tell Swagger to bring it with him when Joker drops it again."

"Will do," Chakwas said and the connection was broken.

"Okay!" Cal rubbed his hands together. "This is what we're gonna do..."

When the Mondo Mako touched down and rolled up beside Shepard's Mako, communications were opened and Cal began explaining.

"We've got two Makos now," Cal explained, pointing to where the Mondo Mako idled. "You guys hear me okay over there?"

"Yep," Vasa replied.

"Here's what we're gonna do. We'll head out to the plain, and when that critter pops up, we split up. Mondo Mako goes left and Dinky Mako goes right and we circle the Makos."

"The acid will damage both," Bao-Dur spoke the obvious.

"I'll put up a Force bubble and we'll be safe from that." Cal was unfazed by the thought of danger. "We go round and round till the critter's dizzy. And then Mondo Mako will move in and fire off that special tablet. Hit it square in the mouth…" He paused briefly. "Not that its mouth is square, but you get the idea."

"We'll aim for the mouth," Flynn promised. "Then what?"

"Head back to the hills," Cal said simply.

"This is stupid." Shepard had her hand on the controls, but the Mako wasn't moving. "We'll be fried."

"Technically we'll be acidified," Cal said calmly. "The acid won't fry us." He shrugged as best he could in the confined space. "Besides, if it works we have nothing to worry about."

"It'll take a major lucky shot to get it in the creature's mouth," Atton noted nervously.

"We don't have a major with us," Cal replied. "We'll have to make do with the crew we have. Everybody ready?"

The Makos inched onto the plain and moved cautiously into Thresher Maw territory. They hadn't gone far when they felt the rumble and the beast broke through the surface again. Mondo Mako headed left and Dinky Mako went right and the two vehicles went in circles around the Thresher Maw. The beast turned this way and that, trying to get off an effective shot of acid, but Cal's Force bubble protected both Makos. When the Thresher Maw was dizzy, Cal issued the order and the secret weapon was fired into the gaping mouth.

"Whoa, that was a great shot, Swagger!" Cal applauded. "First try!"

"Duh."

The Makos headed for rocky terrain. In their wake, the Thresher Maw fell to the sandy ground and writhed for a few minutes.

"It's taking effect," Cal reported.

By the time the Makos had reached the first rocks, Cal was twisted around in his seat and jabbed a finger back at the Thresher Maw. "Look."

There was a purr-like noise that drowned out the sounds of the Mako.

"Uh oh!" Cal put his hands over his head again. "Duck!"

The purring turned into a rumbling, and then there was the sound of a thousand creatures belching at the same time. For the next few minutes both Mako crews heard nothing but the ringing in their ears, then Cal cheered and applauded again.

"We did it!"

"Just what did we do?" Shepard wanted to know.

"We cured its acid reflux. I figured that was the problem, so I had Dr. Chakwas make up a special bicarb tablet. Now we can cross the plain without being acidified."

The Makos headed back across the plain, moving cautiously as they inched toward the spot where they'd last seen the Thresher Maw.

"If it comes up again…" Shepard said through gritted teeth.

"We'll be safe," Cal promised.

They passed the spot where the Thresher Maw had popped up before, and a short time later Garrus said, "Uh, Commander?"

"Yes?"

"I think we're being followed."

"Geth?" Shepard didn't see any red blips on her screen.

"No. The Thresher Maw."

"It's following us?" she asked in alarm, ready to bolt for the rocks.

"Yes, but it seems to be different now."

"Different how?"

"Calmer."

"What?" Shepard's foot came off the accelerator and she chanced a look out the view port. True enough, the Thresher Maw was following the Makos. However, instead of towering menacingly over them and spewing acid, it was inching along on its belly and making a humming sound.

"I told you," Cal said, beaming proudly. "It just had acid reflux and needed a little bicarb."

"Great, now I've got a Thresher Maw following me around."

"It's grateful."

"What happens when the bicarb wears off?" Shepard asked nervously.

"We'll be long gone by then." Cal gave her a wicked smile and a wink. "And if any geth are on the planet they will have to deal with it."

_A/N Disclaimer: I don't own anything Star Wars or Mass Effect. The idea for the Thresher Maw was because I HATE those gorram things! And I wanted to make it less frightening than it is for wussy me when I have to face one. Thanks to all who read and my reviewers who mean so much to me. MTFBWY & MMEBWY always! Also, there was a crack about the awesome Dragon Age game of which I am a fan, but what is with the enormous hands on everyone? Really out of proportion if you pay attention to such stuff. Enuf chit-chat. Also don't own D.A._

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	19. Chapter 19

Chapter 19

The Plot Thickens

(Director sets the scene—darkened room with only one spotlight forming a pool of light on the floor. A heavily cloaked figure steps into view, mike in hand and a voice that oozes with inner darkness carries to the corners of the room. Cue music.)

_So cold that you cannot cope_

_With a frozen heart_

_I guess we blow apart_

_I guessed it from the start_

_Stay in shadow I'll run this world out_

_Stay in shadow; it's running out of time._

_Stay in shadow I want to watch it drown_

_So cruel to be so blind_

_Darkness is on my side_

_Now that you've come and gone_

_I know where I belong…_

Putting down the mike, the being known on the Citadel and around the galaxy only as the Shadow Broker, switched on more lights and walked into the plush office, sank into the cushy black leather chair and tapped a few keys on the keyboard that was inset into a desk made of black stone with a carved red circle in the center.

_From now on, we will refer to the Shadow Broker as SB since the writer gets tired of spelling it out._

Various reports popped up and SB reviewed each. Behind the mask and the full body armor SB wore for identity concealment from the masses, was a mind that evaluated the constantly flowing incoming information. SB advanced a choke hold over anyone who dealt with the cloaked persona. Possessing a high intelligence, SB was able to ferret out the patterns of the criminal element's activities and come up with new possibilities for the way the targets operated but also for the manner in which SB's enforcement within and outside the law, helped or hindered. With fingers on the pulse of bankers, military, politics and all other walks of life, SB played a significant role, staying just inside the law, shaping the outcome of each interaction between SB agents and confirming or disbanding the expanded associations of other organizations, legal or not. SB placed several buffers between SB and any direct contact from another source. It was a compatible organization with a C.O. nobody knew or saw—not even the analysts, investigators, enforcers and allies on the payroll. Because of SB's anonymity and the reputation spread by informants, bounty hunters and go-betweens, SB was respected and even feared.

Barla Von, the volas banker who was one of SB's top echelon agents, appeared on the screen. SB rolled the chair back into the deep shadow behind the desk, seeing, but not seen.

"What have you to report?" The voice behind the mask was electronically altered so no gender could be determined.

"You already know Commander Shepard was made the first human Spectre." The little squat alien wheezed as all of his kind did behind the mask he wore that filtered the air he breathed. Or maybe the little roly poly guy just needed to work out more often, maybe take Pilates. "What you may _not_ know is the Alliance black ops group known as Cerberus has gone rogue and it is just a matter of time before Shepard is sent to deal with them."

"I have no link with Cerberus."

There was a sound from behind Von's mask, almost a huff of disbelief. "I know that is not true. You are like a heart. The information comes in through the veins into the heart muscle and you sift through it, removing all impurities, separating fact from fiction and then you send it out through the arteries of the masses, into the smallest capillaries, offering it for sell."

"H-mm, accurate assessment, Barla."

"There is a rumor circulating that the Shadow Broker and the head of Cerberus called the Illusive Man are one and the same."

"Really?" SB arched a brow under the mask. "I prefer Mysterious Stranger."

"I…beg your pardon?"

SB waved a hand as if sending something through the air that only SB could see. It had its affect on Von. The volas's speech became confused for a moment and then he cleared his throat and continued his report. "What was I saying?"

"I know about Cerberus. What about the other matter? Has anyone on my payroll located the _Ebon Hawk_?"

"Oh, yes. I was saving that for last. She was spotted on Feros."

"Did you get a message to Wrex?"

"Yes, through secure channels. He will keep us apprised of Shepard's activities. From what he told me, the _Normandy_ is headed to Feros."

"I do not want the two Exiles to meet quite yet. Have the _Ebon Hawk _seek a new destination. I don't care how you do it."

"Done."

"And the Jed—ahem—the biotics that joined her team?"

"Untouchable, for the time being. Not even with your reputation, is anyone willing to face the number of geth that have been spotted in that quadrant of space."

SB tented gauntleted hands and gazed into space for a moment. "Von, I want Sylar Exile and his henchman brought to me."

"To…you? But you never…"

"Find an agent to track them; have them taken somewhere. Understand?"

"Y-yes. Shall I have Wrex…?"

"No! Wrex is where I want him, keeping tabs on Shepard and her crew. I do not want her actions curtailed. Saren betrayed me and he must pay for his mistake."

_Hidden structure—Tuntau—Phoenix System—Argos Rho_

"If we ever got to go somewhere nice for once," Flynn complained as he, Swagger, Saunter and Wrex trudged to the front of the complex that, according to Cal's Guide housed Wrex's family armor. "Either it's blazing hot or freezing cold or those damned critters that burst out of the earth at FTL speed or hostiles at every turn…" He kicked the corpse of one of the three pirates that had been on guard duty. "If these fellas are the worst we face, we should be out of there in, oh, two or three seconds, tops."

Saunter stumbled over another corpse, looking a little green.

The look Swagger gave Flynn said that he'd been hearing the same thing for way too long and Vasa was close to committing mayhem on his partner. Flynn caught the look but pretended he didn't.

"How many did Cal say we face inside? A hundred against four?"

Swagger and Wrex exchanged delighted grins. Both were ready to kick serious butt. Vasa nodded. "If we're lucky."

Saunter breathed a sigh of relief. He had wanted to come on this mission to prove to his idol that he was not just some wannabe. The drop from the _Normandy_ alone had made him want to change his mind, but he had bitten back the screaming and begging to go home. He couldn't lose it in front of Swagger. He clutched his assault rifle, figuring the gun with the most bullets was the best choice. He brought up the rear, only because Swagger did not consider him a valued part of the team. Saunter intended to prove him wrong. He would hold his position and he would cover the others. All those video games had to be good for something, after all.

Swagger switched his heated gaze to the young man. "Stay in the Mako."

"But…" He stopped when Vasa glared at him. "Yeah, okay." He shuffled slowly back to the Mako.

Swagger led the way inside the complex. Flynn glanced around once they were inside—typical warehouse in this Traverse—crates or some kind of storage and a large door with a green light.

Swagger raised a finger to his lips, calling for complete silence. Vasa made a series of gestures that was a battle code to follow: Flynn was to crouch to the right of the main entrance to the warehouse; Wrex to the left and Swagger would tuck and roll, after scoping out the room beyond the door.

Flynn swallowed hard when he saw the number of red triangles on his HUD display that told him there was a payload of bad guys inside.

"Uh…excuse me, but…"

Wrex and Flynn jumped, but Swagger turned to regard Saunter. "I told you to stay in the Mako."

"Mako HUD's showing a lot of those red triangles approaching the complex."

"So, keep 'em at bay until we're done."

Saunter set his mouth in a determined line. He had practiced many times in front of a mirror to get it right. "I can shoot, Swagger."

"How well?" Vasa scowled when Saunter hesitated to reply. The bounty hunter folded his arms over his chest and went into full intimidation mode. "Look, kid. I don't have the time to watch your ass." He jabbed a finger at the door. "Go."

"I'll bring ya back something once we're done." Flynn promised.

Pouting, Saunter returned to the Mako and turned up the volume on the suit radios so he could listen to what was going on. The kid cringed when he heard several voices cry out different stock phrases: "_I'll kill you! Enemies everywhere! Hold the line!"_ Over and over the voices shouted the same thing, accompanied with explosions, and the sound of bullets impacting the fire/cryo cells. Saunter imagined the smell of cooked flesh, ozone leaking into the air. He heard more screams abruptly cut off as somebody lobbed a grenade. Roars from Wrex. More screams.

Imagine Saunter's shock when several vehicles appeared over the horizon, cannons blazing in the sun. Had the pirates inside called for reinforcements? While the newcomers flew over a high ridge, Saunter started the Mako and rolled it around to the back of the building. If his luck held, the pirates would not have seen it since their maneuvers had stirred up swirling clouds of dust. Saunter had been told to stay in the Mako, so he was hampered in the help he could offer. Maybe he should get some of them to chase him. In the heavily fortified Mako, he stood a good chance. Shepard was on another planet in this system and would not be available. He agonized over what he could do as he heard the other vehicles stop at the front entrance. He could not see them spit out several aliens and humans, all heavily armed.

Saunter used the Mako to communicate with Swagger. "Swagger, come in, over."

"Little busy right now, kid."

Saunter filled him in.

"Stay in the Mako. Lay down some cover fire when we come out. Swagger, out."

"B-but—they're coming in! Right now!!"

Things were getting dicey inside the warehouse and even somebody with as much warrior experience as the three that were dealing out blow for blow and bullet for bullet, knew they were in a tough situation.

"Maybe you should've told the kid to come in." Flynn shouted over the gunfire. He crouched behind a crate, popped up to get off several shots and then ducked down. "We could use an extra gun."

"He's safer in the damn Mako." Swagger grabbed his dagger and threw it into the jugular of one of the humans. "That's seven to your six, Wrex!"

Saunter drummed his fingers on the console as he tried to think of some way to help his team, and then he saw seams in the building and knew he was looking at a cleverly concealed garage door. Of course, there had to be a way to move the equipment and merchandise in and out!

Saunter eased the Mako forward and blasted the building with the cannon until the doorway was revealed as a crumbling maw. He backed up, stepped on the accelerator and smashed inside the building, striking some of the pirates as the out of control Mako spun in crazy circles. He put the machine gun on auto pilot and opened the hatch.

He yelped when a bullet pinged off the surface about an inch from his head. He braced on his elbows and loosed a string of cryo rounds at the two pirates that were closest. He had never seen the affect the rounds had and was introduced the hard way, at point blank range. The bullets struck the torsos and the turian and human turned into white statues and then exploded into shards of ice with a loud _popping_ noise.

Saunter was not too sure he liked these rounds, so he quickly switched to something that sounded a little more hitter-friendly. What could be so bad about Sledgehammer rounds? They should just knock the enemy flat, right? Not turn them into human or alien popsicles. He heard the other members of the team joining in the fray, but he was too busy trying to stay alive. And the Mako still spun, so he was getting so dizzy until it finally slammed into a strut and came to a bone-crushing halt.

Saunter shot a man with the sledgehammer rounds and was dismayed when they hit with incredible force, knocking his opponents into several crates several yards away. They did not get back up. No, blunt force trauma was not the way to go. He decided to try hammerhead rounds and found out they weren't called "squash projectiles" for nothing. Zucchini filled the air—at least, he hoped it was zucchini.

The turret on top of the Mako kept turning, spraying bullets, so Saunter had to duck each time it came around. As the hot muzzle of the machine gun narrowly missed him, passing over his head, Saunter took the opportunity to switch rounds again. He was trying to recall the crash course Cal had given him from the Guide, but it seemed like whatever he chose had ghastly effects.

Either he fried them, froze them, poisoned them, smashed them, shredded them or punctured their armor. Finally, out of pure desperation, as pirates hopped on top of the Mako, Saunter reversed his grip on the stock of the assault rifle and used it to bludgeon his enemies, yelling at the top of his lungs out of sheer fright.

None of the bad guys had ever encountered anything like this and they were unsure how to respond and by then it was too late. Swagger, Wrex and Flynn killed them, except for the few who Saunter had knocked out cold.

Saunter stood on unsteady legs, his frame shaking. From nowhere, a mike dropped down from the ceiling.

"I stayed in the Mako, Swagger."

"That was some fight." Flynn stretched and knocked knuckles with the whey-faced kid. "How'd you manage to bring down so many, kid?"

("Cue music", the director says.)

"_Swagger thinks I'm too young_

_And maybe he's right._

_Told me to stay back out of the fight._

_Dude, I shot you, dude._

_And you and you, dude._

_I shot you with a cryo round_

_I shot you with an incendiary round_

_You're just red sparkles in the air_

_Or is that a piece of you over there?_

_I shot you, dude!"_

Swagger quirked his lips in a rare smile. "Not bad, Saunter." He laughed. "Not bad at all."

The kid grinned ear to ear and puffed out his chest at the recognition from the bounty hunter/assassin.

Wrex appeared just then and the huge krogan was not in a good mood. "All that murder and mayhem and we still didn't get my armor. And that last one didn't count. We both shot him at the same time."

"So, it's a tie on the kill score." Flynn ignored the twin scowls from the bounty hunters. "Who knew we needed someone with a high decryption skill." Flynn scratched his head and nonchalantly removed a chunk of something from his hair.

Swagger smirked. "From what Actus Tonn said before you blew his head off, Wrexie, it may end up on an E-net auction."

"Huh, it's a piece of crap anyway." The krogan laughed. "It's ceremonial armor. And if it's not made for…" Saunter, from a cue from the director, tossed Wrex the mike.

"_War, huh!_

_What is it good for?_

_If ya don't use it for …_

_War? Huh!_

_Absolutely nothing!_

_War is something we krogan idolize_

_For it means destruction of lots of lives_

_It means tears in thousands of mothers' eyes_

_When krogan sons go out to fight to give their lives._

_So, armor not used for war, huh!_

_What is it good for?_

_Absolutely nothing._

Flynn looked up nervously at the ceiling struts as they shook when the krogan sang. The Mako had struck a key support, so the merc suggested they get out of there. They quickly gathered the goodies from crates and containers, but Wrex's family armor, if it was in the highly encrypted wall safe, would have to remain. They raced to the Mako and Saunter drove them out as the warehouse fell like it was made of match sticks.

"Whew!" Flynn wiped the sweat off his brow. "That was close."

Swagger was on the intercom to Joker, telling him to pick them up. A few moments later, they were safe and sound back on the ship. Saunter wanted to kiss the deck he was so happy to be back on board, but he knew Swagger would consider it a sign of weakness. Ash, Tali and Jaden came over and asked them how the mission went.

"I'll let the kid tell 'ya." Swagger put a hand on Saunter's back and gave him a gentle push toward the girls. He pressed something into Saunter's palm. "You earned this today."

Saunter gazed down awestruck as he realized the object was Swagger's dagger. He ran a finger over the edge and winced when the sharp blade sliced it open. He stuck his finger in his mouth, eyes flitting from side to side, hoping nobody had seen.

Of course, Swagger had and he smirked. "Careful—it's sharp."

_Meanwhile…somewhere in the Traverse_

The _Ebon Hawk_ rocked in the swirling snow of Noveria's atmosphere. Myriad lines of ice formed across the viewscreen and it was almost impossible to see where to land. Skippy had to rely heavily on the auto-pilot and guided the ship into the hangar and she was grasped by the clanging, heavy clamps with a terrible finality.

"Promising bunch," Skippy quipped. "So, Sy, what's the plan?"

Sylar Exile lifted Skippy up in the air and shut off his air supply. He cupped a hand to his ear. "What was that?" He regarded the struggling henchman. "You couldn't have been speaking to me because you would never call me Sy, now would you?"

Skippy moaned and thrashed and fell heavily to the deck, landing at Sylar's feet. He hauled air into his tortured lungs and massaged his bruised throat. "N-no, sir."

Sylar smiled snidely. "The plan is that we find Benezia and I take everything she knows about the Conduit from her brain."

"Y-yes, sir."

Sylar waved a hand and Skippy's mangled skin was healed and the bruises faded. "I need you—for now." The look he gave Skippy told the henchman just how expendable he was once Sylar no longer needed him. "You have your uses and certain skills. I want this done as quickly as possible. Shepard and Cal and your loser brother might be hard on our trail." He smiled again. "I'm not quite ready to confront Cal or Commander Shepard, but when I do, I can use her to lure Revan out of hiding."

"I've had my ear to the ground on every planet we've visited and nobody even knows his name."

"Because, you idiot, he isn't using his real name!" Sylar smoothed back his hair. "I want his powers, Skippy. He is the main reason I came to this forsaken universe."

"I thought it was a glitch in the game." Skippy shut up fast as Sylar closed his hands into fists.

"Sometimes you are as dumb as your brother."

"I know. You spend all that time with a moron and see if you don't pick up some stupidity on the side."

"Are you sassing me, boy?"

"N-no, sir!" Skippy bowed low, hoping he had not pushed Sylar too far.

"Never mind." Sylar recovered his temper. "Security's on high alert. Thoughts?"

"Benezia." Skippy stroked the smooth skin on his chin, wishing just once he would feel some stubble. "My bet is she left orders concerning Commander Shepard and we may be met with the same resistance."

"Ready to rock and roll, kid?"

Skippy patted the blaster that hung low on his hip. "I was born ready."

_The same meanwhile in another part of the Traverse_

Cal, Bao-Dur and Atton followed one step behind Shepard. Behind them were Swagger, Flynn, Kaidan, Tali, Liara,Wrex, Ash, Jaden, Carth , Mira and HK-47.

"I'm just saying, whoever came up with the three-in-your-squad idea, didn't face the kind of odds we face. We have these crew members. Why not use them?"

"Affirmative: I for one agree with the meathead. Correction: Meatball. Retraction/correction: Meatbag! Shocked realization: I have been in too close proximity to the meatbag Jedi and are picking up Cal-isms. Query: Is that even a word, Commander?"

Shepard was making heavy eye rap with Kaidan whose hair was tousled in the wind and whose brown eyes were so… She blinked. "What?"

"Observation: I see you wish to place your slimy, mucous-covered lips to the male of the minute, whose lips are also over moist and pursed in a fish-like manner."

"One more word, HK, and I'll blow you into scrap."

Cal quickly stepped in front of the assassin droid, blocking Shepard's aim. "No shooting my droid." His soft eyes looked sad. "He's the only one I have left."

HK moved away from the abject Jedi. "Statement: If an assassin droid of my caliber with these wonderful new rounds cannot protect himself, then he deserves his fate. Addendum: But your sentiment is noted, and, perhaps, even appreciated."

Cal was consulting his Guide. "Okay, there's a glitch in which we can save David Al Talaqani, but it involves Tali and those of you who have sabotage and overload on the wall behind the three geth, whatever those are, and we need to set a tech proximity mine—all before we talk to him."

"Description." Swagger rolled his neck, sinking into relaxation techniques he used to focus all his attention on battle.

Cal made an OK sign with his fingers. "Gotcha. They look like flying saucers—overload glows blue and sabotage glows green."

"Uh, Cal, he meant the _guy_. What does David Whatiz look like?"

Cal grinned at Atton. "I know. I'm not that dumb. He's got mocha skin, short plastic black hair and dark eyes and is wearing an ugly cream, tan and brown outfit and he'll be waiting for us the moment we step out of the ship."

"Query: What are geth, oh great Guide guru?"

Shepard quickly filled them in on what they would face: geth shock troopers, advanced geth troopers recognized by their white armor. They would carry pulse rifles, four levels of shielding and were extremely resilient. "Shock troopers have barrier, carnage and shield boost abilities. If you see a barrier that is usually an indication that the shock trooper is near death."

"Mocking statement: Somehow you managed to avoid answering my query, Commander Meatbag."

Tali stepped forward, since she was a quarian and her race had invented the geth, she was the expert, but there was a concert of groans from everyone who knew where this would lead. Nobody could drone on and on about a subject more, unless it was Liara about the Protheans.

"The geth are a race of networked artificial intelligences that reside beyond the Perseus Veil. They were created around 1900 CE by my people to be laborers and tools of war. They became sentient and began to question their masters. When my people discovered this, we attempted to exterminate them. The geth won the war against us and reduced my people to a race of space nomads."

Cal skimmed through the Guide and held it out so they could see the picture. "Looks like they have flashlights on their heads, doesn't it?"

"How do you kill them?" Swagger was terse as always.

"Most of our rounds were developed to kill sentient and non-sentient. The stronger the shields the longer it takes to kill them, but we'll stay ranged." Shepard started forward, then stopped as Cal raised his hand. "Yes?"

"I have a question." Cal ignored the reactions from the others. "Can I get some of this artificial insemination?" He scratched his neck. "No, that's not it-- artificial insubordination? No, that's not it either--artificial intelligence? I could really use some."

Atton snorted, but he was polite enough to do it behind his hand so Cal could not see. His friend was so damn clueless.

"No." Shepard cut in sharply. "Swagger, you, Flynn and Wrex, take point."

"Yeah, because Shepard has to stay behind and not get killed because if she dies, we all die and I don't think we've saved the game for a long time."

"Cal!"

"What? It was the same way in KotOR."

"It's just most of us would like to think we actually are living our lives and are not characters in some game."

Swagger nodded curtly, acknowledging Shepard finally taking the leadership reins. Flynn cleared his throat. He was like Swagger and Wrex, ready to face this new enemy and see what they could do.

Kaidan and Tali sent out proximity mines as they walked out of the ship. Cal could see them whirling, small points of green and blue light. David from the Zhu's Hope colony approached them and said his stock lines, telling them to see the leader Fai Dan. Then there was an explosion and the three geth shock troopers were destroyed as the mines activated.

Cal whooped with joy and high-fived anyone who would return the gesture. David stood there and then he ran his hands over his chest and down his body as if he could not believe he was still there. He was a red shirt after all.

"I'm alive?" The colonist met Cal's eyes. "You saved me?"

"The credit goes to these two." Cal pointed to Kaidan and Tali.

"But what do I do? I have no lines to say."

"Make them up. We have empty seats in the ship. Shep---?"

"Very well. We can drop him off at the next decent place we come to or take him to Citadel." Shepard concealed a smile. Cal could be so sweet.

Liara was also impressed. "I just want to mind meld with you," she crooned. "Right here; right now."

"Could we wait until we save the colony?" Cal asked, feeling everyone's eyes on him and wanting them off. "I, uh, promise, we'll do that, whatever it is, okay?"

"A promise to an asari is like a commitment to a human, Tan."

"We don't have time for any foreplay talk!" Shepard gestured, completely immersed in her hard-bitten marine role. "Our job is to stop the geth; discover what they're after and save the colony. Cal you and your Jedi, Jaden, Liara, Kaidan and I will lead the way, using our powers to even the odds." Her eyes swept the rest of the crew. "Those of you who are ranged, stay back and do what you do best. Any questions?"

Cal tentatively raised his hand again. Sighing, Shepard acknowledged him. "I don't suppose we could cut this short and just go for the Tho---?"

"No! We follow the edicts of the bloody game, Cal, or, we might end up with all sorts of glitches as you did."

"Cal's right." Everyone turned and stared at Saunter who had crept into their midst unnoticed. "Why risk our lives going over the Prothean Skyway to Exogeni when the main quest is right here? Why travel that distance? Why…?"

"I'm in charge here, that's why. We do things my way." She gestured back to the ship. "You were told to stay on the ship."

"Saunter earned the right to be a member of this team."

Everyone turned to regard Swagger, who was idly flipping his dagger in his right hand.

"You mean on the _failed_ mission to acquire Wrex's family armor? I do not consider that adequate proof."

"I'm not Jenkins!" Saunter protested. "You lost a young crew member and now you see him when you look at me, I get that, but what I don't get is you taking it out on me. Hey, if I die out there, I die, but I want to be a part of this team!"

"Yeah, let the scrapper come along. He's a good shot." Wrex's rumble filled the hangar.

Carth made a time-out gesture and they quieted. "Look, people. We have to stop getting hung up on who's in charge here. We have to concentrate on finding what Saren was after and defeating the geth so that the colonists are safe."

Jaden whistled sharply when the dissidence rose again. "My hunky hubby's right and I do have a suggestion, Shepila. We split up into teams since there is so many of us. Some do the side quests we all know will pop up while we're here; some clear out the tunnels; some investigate the tower; and, you, Shepila, you and the team of your choice, take the Mako across the Skyway and scope out Exogeni."

"Sounds like a plan!" Bao said in his ultra quiet voice.

"All right. I see the sense in that, plus it will save time. Very well. Carth, you are in charge of the team that takes on the side quests. Swagger, you head up a team to clear out the tunnels. Wrex, you pick a team to take care of the tower. Saunter, you get the dubious honor of talking to the colonists and trying to discover what it is they are hiding. Cal, Kaidan, Atton and Tali, you are coming with me across the Skyway."

The chosen leaders stood on one side while the others stood across from them. It was like gym all over again. Nobody wanted to be the last one chosen.

Carth: "Jaden."

Swagger: "Flynn."

Wrex: "HK-47."

Carth: "Liara."

Swagger: "Mira."

Wrex: "Ash."

Carth: "Bao-dur."

The Zabrak had been called last and he was not a happy camper. Saunter walked over and whispered something to him that made him perk up. Ash asked the young man what he'd said.

"I told him technically I wasn't chosen at all. Shepila just gave me something to do to keep me out of her hair and he will be on an actual mission."

Ash ran her hands over his face. "You're really sweet." She bussed his lips and stepped over to Wrex.

Shepard gazed at Cal. "Efficient enough for you?"

_A/N The writer knows this chapter is not as funny as most, but the plot had to be thickened and not everything going on is funny. Next chapter should be a lot funnier. I wanted to put it in this one, but it would make it too long, so, in two weeks, or so, I mean it IS the holidays, an update will be coming. And DISCLAIMER time: I don't own Star Wars or Mass Effect or any of the original lyrics to the songs. _


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter 20

That Mean Green Mother…

_Prothean Skylane between Chu's Hope Colony and ExoGeni Corps._

"Shiiiiiiii-irt off my back!" Sometimes keeping his swearing rated T was a royal pain in the tush. Atton tugged at Shepila's arm. "Another geth drop ship just dropped two of those armature guys!"

"I see them." Her reply was calm; her attitude casual as she backed the Mako quickly back into the garage they had just nosed out of.

"Hit the A button, the jump thingie!" _I'm as nervous as a bunch of Cathars in a room full of rocking chairs_, Cal thought and then wondered how chairs could rock since they were inanimate objects. Evidently they could hear, because that one guy Neil Diamond in that one song said that they could, but then they really could be considered _animate_ since they rocked, couldn't they? Maybe even semi-intelligent?

Cal's attention was diverted from any more isms when the Mako jumped, avoiding the white beam and then there was a sploosh sound when the other beam splashed against the now closed door.

"I hate those things." Kaidan grimaced when Shepila (that was what everyone was calling her now) eased the Mako forward until the garage door opened again and she could fire at the armature that was closest. "Three marks, Commander, behind the barriers."

"I see them." Shepila was cool to the point of cold. "I need you to deal with them, Kaidan. Take Tali and Atton and Garrus with you. Use the garage as cover while I deal with the armatures."

Cal looked in the back seat and craned his head around and counted on his fingers, before he cleared his throat to get Shepila's attention. "Uh, I think when the teams were being picked before we started this mission; I think we might've been short one."

"Dammit!" Commander Shepila would have sworn like a sailor, but she was army. "See, what happens when your team gets too big? Where the hell is Garrus?"

"He said something about going to that ship Dr. Heart is on and taking care of his side bar, I mean, quest himself since nobody seemed interested."

"He went off on his own?" Shepila struck her thigh hard and her body quivered with rage. "Without telling his superior officer?"

Cal cocked his head. "Isn't that just a little stuck up, Shepila? You might be better at some things than he is, but do you have to rub it in and say you're superior?"

"Oh, for the love of…" Shepila leaped out of the Mako, ran straight up to the nearest armature and ripped it apart with her bare hands.

When Kaidan and his team had finished off the geth blocking their passage, he drove the Mako to where she was.

Shepila was straddling what was left of the armature, beating it on its over-sized head with one of its appendages. Sparks flew into the air and smoke issued from its core as she wrenched the head off and threw it at some more geth that had the misfortune to come out of the lower tunnels that moment.

Kaidan tersely told everyone to keep a safe distance and approached Shepila warily. "You okay there, Commander?"

Exhausted, she rolled off the mangled armature and came to her feet. She hugged her arms as if she was cold. "I…just lost control, Kaidan, in front of my crew."

He gently patted her shoulder, knowing they could not be seen because of an abandoned damaged Mako providing a smoke screen. "Garrus should not have been insubordinate, Shepard."

She breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank you for using my name and not that terrible nick name!" She glanced about to make sure there were no more geth. "I feel bad because I did not even know he was gone."

"You need to cut yourself some slack, Commander." Kaidan laughed softly. "Even the writer forgot one of Cal's people. You have a lot on your mind." He gently smoothed a piece of her hair back from her face. He had loaned her the conditioner/plastic remover Jaden had given him. "Shepard, when we get through this…"

Another ruined moment, she thought crossly when the Mondo Mako pulled up, disgorging its occupants. "Missing somebody?" The teasing voice of Jaden Onasi infuriated her, but Shepila kept calm. "Found him in the tunnels."

Garrus looked abashed, well as much as his kind could. "Sorry, Commander. I was, uh, searching for the little turian's room, and I must have taken a wrong turn."

Shepila laughed, her relief was so great. "Garrus! I was worried about you, but I figured we'd hunt for you after we did the main mission."

"Exactly the thing I figured you would do, Commander." Garrus's one eye gleamed. "I ran into part of the crew."

"Which part?" Cal asked, concern etching his face. "Body part? Please tell me they're okay."

"They were all in one piece, Cal."

"Oh, no! In one big lump?"

Garrus looked at Jaden since Commander Shepard was staring at Cal as if he was part of a conspiracy to drive her insane. "Am I missing something here?"

Jaden giggled and she took Cal's hands in hers. "They are fine, Cal."

"Thank the Force!"

"Well, now that you have returned Garrus to the fold, you may get back to what you were assigned to do, Jaden."

"We're all done."

"What?"

Jaden counted off on her fingers as she performed roll call. "Swagger, report, please, sugar lips."

His sugar lips twisted into a snarl. "Care to rephrase that, Babe?"

Her pony tail danced as she swung around to regard the surly bounty hunter/assassin. "Does the tough guy feel his manliness threatened if I call him 'sugar lips'?"

Flynn burst out laughing and Carth beside him groaned. Vasa swaggered over to Jaden, yanked her against his hard chest and said in a low ultra-sexy voice, "It's been a long time since you tasted them, Babe. I guess ya never forget a good thing."

"Hey, unhand my wife!" Carth grabbed Jaden and pulled her a safe distance away.

Cal looked freaked out. "Oh, no! Swagger, don't you dare cut off her hands!" He placed his hands on his hips and glared at Carth. "And you, Carth, what are you thinking?"

"Somebody got a roll of duct tape on them?" Vasa smirked.

"Isn't that animal cruelty—taping ducks?"

Atton clapped a hand to his forehead and began searching in his rucksack for a roll of tape.

Jaden had recovered her composure. "Oh, Swag, ignore Cal. He just takes things literally."

He growled under his breath, and then nodded once.

"Now, Swagger, report, please?" Jaden still was in flirting mode.

"We cleared out the tunnels. Found some guy that was acting weird, but that describes all of the colonists."

"Wrex?"

"We cleared the tower of all the geth, destroyed the transmitter and told Fai Dan, the leader what we did."

"Saunter?"

"I stumbled into a pit of mean varren and killed the alpha male so the colonists can use the meat to stretch their rations and I grabbed the battery cells needed."

Cal consulted his Guide. "Did you kill all of the varren?"

Saunter shook his head. "Nope. If ya think about it, it doesn't make sense. The colonists need the meat, but if I use incendiary rounds or cryo, there would be nothing left. Besides, there were too many of them. I had enough trouble getting the power cells from the helpfully placed broken down Mako in there without getting eaten."

Saunter scratched his head as something occurred to him. "I suppose I could have used the shredder rounds so they could have fresh meat for fajitas, but, too late now." Saunter ticked off one other thing and added "I also turned on their water supply, at great risk of life and limb, I might add."

"Oh, suck it up," Swagger told him, smirking when he received an eye-roll in his direction.

There was a horrible rumbling sound and everyone stared at Wrex. "Hey, we haven't eaten since this whole thing began!" The hulking krogan said. "No bathrooms, no toilets and Ash mentions there is a mess on board the ship, but we never get to eat there. And another thing, why are there no restaurants on Citadel Station? Just bars or sleazy dives?"

Cal nodded. "Well, we don't have a mess; we keep things pretty clean on the ship, but the mood lighting keeps us from seeing how dirty it might be…"

He stopped when Atton bopped him on the back of the head. "Mess is army for kitchen or galley."

Cal scratched his head. "Oh, well, never mind then, but it is the same thing with us! Nowhere to get anything to eat, no 'freshers." He stopped as he considered something. "There are cantinas, but you talk to the droid serving drinks and that's all he's serving, drinks! No food!"

Cal was startled when a few bars of music sounded and he suddenly was wearing a headset with mike.

"Empty spaces – I don't know the score  
Abandoned places – marbles falling to the floor  
One by one  
Does anybody know what we are looking for?"

Swagger also had a headset and mike and he rolled his eyes, not wanting to fracking sing.

"A mindless hero; another stupid remark  
Remain silent; your mind stays in the dark.  
Hold the roll  
Don't anybody let him get away!

(All the others sing back-up)

The tape must go on!  
The tape must go on!

(Swagger)

Oh, for 1$%&!! sakes

Just slap it over his face!

(All the others)

On with the tape

For sanity's sake…

The Tape Must Go On!

Cal tried to back away, but Flynn and Wrex held him steady.

"Inside my head is shaky  
My thoughts they may be flakey  
But my smile still stays on."

"Tape," Swagger snarled and Atton placed a roll in his hand.

"Watch his hair," Atton pleaded.

Swagger ripped off a section of duct tape and slapped it over Cal's mouth. "Now, shut up!"

Cal's eyes looked huge above the tape. He muttered something, but nobody could understand and they all blew a big sigh of relief now that they did not have to listen to the poor befuddled Jedi any longer. Of course, Atton felt bad, but he figured it might just save the Jedi's life. There was just something about Cal that got on Swagger's last nerve.

Liara was very upset by this, but there was nothing she could do, even when she begged Shepila to intercede for Cal.

She pulled Cal to the side. "There is a way we can talk and the others cannot hear us. I can meld my mind with yours. Of course, if I do this, it is an act of great reverence and makes us a couple. And, whatever information I have gotten from Shepila will be downloaded into your brain as well."

Liara cast a quick look at Shepila and her eyes became black stones in her head and she really freaked out Cal, but then he heard her in his head and he thought back to her, "_A couple of what?_"

"You are so cute!"

"_Thanks. I love that shade of blue. Reminds me of this delicate flower we had on my home planet of Talravin."_

With two Makos, they made short work of the geth and armatures that blocked their path as they crossed the skylane.

"I vote we don't stop at the refugee camp," Atton said, raising his hand when they heard a radio broadcast over the Mako's frequency transmitter. "It's somebody's daughter in trouble and do we really have the time to look for her?"

Cal thought furiously to Liara who said in her pedantic voice, "I, for one, have to disagree, Atton. We need to talk to those people and find out the location of the Rebel Base." She tapped the side of her head and then changed it to, "Sorry. I mean, the _colonists_. From the transmissions we have been receiving, I believe they are very close." She pointed to a square hole in the ground that was uplit by several lamps. "We need to investigate."

"Fine." Shepila's tone told everyone it was not fine, but she jumped out of the Mako and did a quick head count, then led them into the underground facility.

Cal thought to Liara who asked, "Where are the scales?" to the man in charge whose name was Ethan Jeong.

Swagger gave Liara a sharp look. "Why?"

She cocked her head as if listening to something. "Because this is a weigh station. Also a refugee camp."

The guards did not challenge them. Ethan, who had a David Letterman brillo patch on top of his head and wore one of the rubber suits that seemed to find buyers wherever they were sold in the galaxy, threatened them with a gun.

Swagger and Wrex played "rock, paper, scissors" and Wrex roared his disappointment when Swagger jerked the gun out of the man's hand and bashed him with it.

"Hey, I had rock," the huge krogan bellowed. "Rock breaks scissors."

"I don't play by any rules other than mine." Swagger smirked and kept his steely gaze on the man as he slowly rose.

Flynn sniggered. "Now, you fellas play nice."

Shepila took back command since she _was_ the commander. She found out they needed to continue on the skylanes to ExoGeni HQ. That seemed to be the center of activity for the geth.

"Saunter, you stay here and help guard the colonists," she told the young man.

"Hey, will ya stop trying to keep me safe!" He glared at Shepila. "Ya told me to 'talk' to the colonists on Zhu's Hope and I ended up fighting for my life. Sounds easy. Talk to one of 'em, get a simple quest—turn on the water supply. Nobody mentions how many damn geth are in the tunnels! Find the power cells and help with the shortage of the food supply. End up almost being eaten by a rabid varren male. If I hadn't received help from Garrus because he got lost, I would have died. So, no thanks, Commander. No way am I staying behind this time."

Garrus held up his hand, volunteering, but Shepila shook her head. "I need your sniper skill, Garrus," she told the turian.

Saunter crossed his arms over his chest and looked obstinate. "I'm going with you."

"Fine. All of you come. At least I'll know where you are."

Liara followed Cal's mental instructions and got the side quest from Gavin Hossle to retrieve some data for him while they explored the ExoGeni facility. That would net them some more credits and experience.

"Cal goes with you, Shepila." Swagger's tone was non-negotiable.

"Okay, we have the smaller Mako, so there can only be seven in there and that's pushing it. Cal, sit next to me. Liara, you sit in his lap. Atton, Garrus, Tali and, last, but certainly not least, Kaidan, with me. Pile in wherever you can."

"I'm driving," Swagger told Wrex before he could call dibs. "Hop in, boys and girls."

Wrex, Saunter, Mira, Bao, Flynn, Carth, Jaden, HK and Ash all climbed inside the Mondo Mako. Swagger drove.

"So, Jaden," the bounty hunter/assassin kept his voice casual. "You have any idea where this brother of yours is?"

She shook her head. "He's blocking me and I can't even sense him through our bond. Why?"

"I think he might become a liability if he joined up with Saren. Might have to take him out."

Her eyes closed and her mouth tightened in pain. "I know."

Since she was sitting in his lap, Carth gave her a hug and kissed the nape of her neck. "We'll find him, sweetheart, and when we do, you'll talk him back to the light."

She opened her eyes, but her face was grim. "I don't think that's possible."

Saunter was very sympathetic when he spoke. "Jaden, I know what you mean. My brother, Skippy, he's taken up with Sylar Exile."

"Might have to take him out, too." Vasa announced, his tone pure steel.

"You might." Saunter's soft agreement took everybody by surprise.

"Keep an eye peeled for anymore geth, kid." Flynn turned around and gave Saunter a pat on the shoulder. "And I don't mean literally peel your eye."

Saunter shuddered at the thought, besides he didn't have an eye peeler in his rucksack.

It took them only a few minutes to reach ExoGeni HQ after a few more geth encounters. Their troubles weren't over once they reached the garage. They alighted from the Makos and took positions behind all the convenient crates and containers and fought the geth snipers and stalkers that were inside. The way they needed to go was blocked by a glowing blue force field. Swagger signed for Saunter and Flynn to investigate the small building to the right. They did not return.

Cal thought furiously to Liara. "You have made an error, Swagger. The only thing in that room is an armature that is activated if you open the crate. It is a trap. Saunter and Flynn will not be able to get out of that room." Liara wondered if anyone else was seeing the alarming shade of blue Cal was turning. Perhaps it was caused by the tape being over his nose as well as his mouth…or, perhaps it was a side effect of her mind meld with him. Could skin meld as well? She really did not know enough about the human species to form an opinion.

Cal motioned for Swagger to follow him. Sure enough, when they peered around the corner into the room, Flynn and Saunter were pinned down and in dire jeopardy since the armature did move, although it was slowly, and their weapons were not strong enough to take it down.

There was a snap-hiss as Cal drew his lightsaber and threw it. It arced through the air, slicing the armature's head off and Cal finished it off with Force lightning. Flynn and Saunter grinned their thanks.

"All right, so you're good for something." Vasa quickly ripped the tape off Cal's mouth.

"Ye-ouch!" Cal waved his hand to send Force healing into his torn, raw skin. He also drew in a deep, deep breath. "Good thing I had breath control. I don't think you meant to, but you covered my nose and I couldn't breathe." He smiled uncertainly at Swagger.

The bounty hunter/assassin's eyes widened in mock innocence. "My bad."

"Is everyone all right?" Shepila and her crew came in. The room was really getting crowded.

Cal nodded. He had wised up, well, to the point where he knew he needed to guard his tongue around Swagger at least.

"We stay together. No way of knowing how many geth are here." Shepila led them around the garage looking for a way in, ignoring Cal, since she knew he knew where they needed to go because he had read the Guide. Finally, she found a lower level that she could not see until she got right up near it.

They climbed down. Cal gently grabbed her elbow. "Be ready to duck as soon as you get inside the room ahead."

A gunshot rang out and then a young girl's voice swore. "Dammit!" She had dark hair cut to chin-length and dark eyes. She looked like a generic copy of her mother Juliana, who was one of the colonists they had met back across the skylane at the weigh station that had no scales.

"Are you Lizbeth Baynham?" Shepila lowered her weapon. Lizbeth's shot had barely missed her.

"I'm sorry. I thought you were one of the geth or one of those varren." The girl had to be a colonist. She was dressed in one of those hideous rubber suits.

Even Shepila, who was not a by-the-Guide type girl, figured out Lizbeth was holding back on some things as she questioned her. The girl gave the commander her ID badge which would give them access to the main computer and said she would remain where she was until they killed all the geth and deactivated the shield. Lizbeth returned to her hiding place as soon as they stopped speaking.

"Statement: There are several organic creatures of unidentifiable origin approaching at alarming speed."

"Varren!!!!" Saunter screeched as several of the ugly creatures appeared from nowhere. "She couldn't have warned us they were here?" He turned as one of the creatures fastened upon his pants leg, shaking it like a rabid dog. "You couldn't have warned us they were still here? And _why_ are you just standing over there? You have a gun! You shot at _us_ when we came in! Why aren't you shooting at _them_?!"

Flynn shot the varren attacking Saunter and the kid shot another one that was on Wrex's back. There were growls and snarls and dripping saliva from the beasts as they attacked.

"Down ya go!" Carth shouted as he shot another one, and then another, "How'd ya like that?"

"Sneaky statement: Nice varren—good varren. Come to HK. HA! Stupid varren. Dead varren!"

Cal put all the rest into stasis and Jaden fried them with lightning.

"Dammit," Flynn muttered. "One of 'em bit me! They rabid?"

Shepila gave him some med-gel and he swabbed it over the wound. Swagger dug into his rucksack and brought out some synth-skin and slapped it over the bite.

Carth gave him a med-pack just to make sure, injecting it into his thigh. Cal and Jaden sent healing into it.

"You okay, partner?" Swagger asked, concerned.

Flynn nodded. "Can we just get out of Midden Earth now? Oops, I mean ExoGeni Midden."

They took the southwest stairwell which was like all the other staircases in this place: dark, made of stone and grungy.

"Just once, I'd like to see one of these people offer to come with us and help." Kaidan muttered as they made their way up the flight of stairs.

"Stupid machine!" It was a krogan's deep voice at the top of the landing. "No, I don't want…blah, blah blah…"

"Wrex, do you want to take care of him since he is a krogan?" Shepila and the others waited at the foot of the stairs while Wrex started up to take out the rogue krogan.

"Query: Does mass and bulk really qualify the krogan? Addendum: Perhaps being a krogan he will have a problem taking out one of his species. Allow me."

Wrex turned and gave HK a push that sent him half way down the stairs. Cal reached out with the Force and saved the droid some bad dents and possible serious damage.

"Statement: there is a warm feeling in my cognitive core, meatbag Cal. You saved me."

Wrex reappeared after a series of roars and sounds like gas escaping, or was it hissing? They all climbed the stairs, ending up in a computer room. Shepila was recognized as Lizbeth because she had her ID and the computer told her of something called the Thorian which was a plant that could influence humans to do its will. Turned out Exo-Geni Corps had known all along and the colonists were nothing but lab specimens.

Cal frowned. "Okay, can somebody tell me why an indigenous life form, hence, a _plant_ is capitalized when all the other species in this Traverse aren't?"

Everyone chose to ignore the question.

Saunter turned to Garrus. "Remember that guy Ian we met near the tunnels?"

"The crazy guy?"

"Looks like he wasn't so crazy after all."

Shepila was horrified at the idea of using humans like that. She questioned the VI computer some more and gained more evidence and finally the location of the intelligent plant called the Thorian. "Back to Zhu's Hope," she snapped.

"Aren't we going to do the little side quest?" Cal asked.

Shepila tried to contact Joker to warn him about the new threat but was unable to reach him on any channel. "The geth dropship must be interfering with the signal. VI, tell me everything you know about the geth that are here and the Thorian."

Shepila took the Guide from Cal when he began looking something up and shook her head. "The welfare of all those people depends on us destroying the Thorian. We go now!"

"Wait!" Saunter held up a hand and grabbed the Guide out of Shepila's hand. "We can't! We still haven't found a way to disengage the energy field."

There were consecutive sighs as they all realized he was right. Cal gave him a thumbs-up, knowing the kid had read the Guide and knew what had to happen.

"Very well." Shepila reviewed what she had learned from Lizbeth. "The girl told me the geth's dropship has latched onto the complex and the power's out. The geth are the ones that raised the force field to lock down the majority of the compound. We have to sever the connection of the geth dropship." Her grey eyes scanned the faces of her crew. "Any ideas?"

There were shrugs. Swagger cleared his throat. "Guess we need to see what we're up against first."

They proceeded through the corridor that followed and Cal noticed a couple of red triangles on his HUD. Shepila and Kaidan crept silently ahead and spied a couple of geth shock troopers kneeling before some kind of strange, glowing orb. They took aim from the balcony without the geth even spotting them and took them out.

"Whoa!" Carth pointed to the walls as they came down the stairs into the room containing the glowing orb. "What the hell are those?"

"Hey!" Kaidan objected. "That's my line. I say that about the gas bags on Eden Prime."

There were several large mechanical claws sticking through the walls. Shepila examined them and shook her head. Tali had the cut scene where she explained what they were. "These are geth claws. They extend from the dropships through the walls and hold the ships in place. Perhaps the claws can be destroyed in some way to remove the ship and lower the force field."

Flynn and Swagger and Wrex opened up on them with their assault weapons, strewing the walls with bullets, but nothing phased the claws.

"Conventional weapons won't work, but there must be another way." Tali borrowed a phrase from her long cut scene.

"How about a more civilized weapon from a more civilized age?" Cal asked, igniting his lightsaber. He was chagrinned when the blades that could cut through durasteel in the Star Wars Universe, did not do much more than dent the geth claws.

"Uh, Cal, how long has it been since you charged your lightsaber battery?" Atton asked.

"Statement: Meatbag Williams will appreciate this one. A poem called the Charge of the Lightsaber Brigade."

"HK!" Shepila snapped as Jaden dissolved into giggles.

"HK, open your chest plate and let Cal plug in his lightsaber so it will recharge, please."

"Statement: Ex-Master Jaden, much as I live to serve, I believe doing so at this time will interfere with my assassination protocols. Addition: I will allow him to do so after I have had the pleasure of killing more geth."

Saunter gulped when his HUD radar was blocked. Cal furtively hid behind Atton and consulted the Guide and then told Saunter what they faced. "Yuk! We have one of those hoppy thingies."

"Statement: Typical meatbag reaction. You want your target to remain still so you have no trouble shooting it. Addendum: I, on the other hand, welcome the challenge of…" HK fired around the corner at the geth sniper that was black and white striped and hopped like a frog all over the chamber. "Addition: Take that!…and that! Hold still, you little…Retraction: I, too, dislike the hoppy thingies."

Carth pointed at the blue glowing force field. "Looks like we're on the other side of it now."

Everyone searched the chamber to see if they could find a terminal or something to shut down the field. Tali observed the field, coming to a conclusion. "The power must be supplied by the geth dropship."

They reached ExoGeni upper level. Their radar registered multiple hostiles as they neared the top of the stairwell.

"There are more of them in the chamber ahead," Cal warned then nodded to Tali and she used her skill to open a nearby crate. "They'll open fire the minute we move into view."

"So, we go in quiet and unseen." Swagger, Flynn, Atton and Mira switched on their stealth belts and stole into the area. Mira had borrowed some of Tali's proximity mines and set them to go off near several volatile containers.

When the recon group returned to the main team and deactivated their stealth units, Shepila asked for details. Swagger pulled his dagger from his boot and drew a diagram in the dirt. "There are troopers, shock troopers and snipers—nothing we can't handle."

Suddenly, the mines went off, killing several of the geth before the fight even began. Shepila had everyone switch to pistols or assault rifles rather than shotguns. They secured the first half of the room. Kaidan decrypted a nearby terminal which gave them another off-world assignment entitled **Investigate Facility**.

"There's a tough battle ahead." Cal knew Shepila hated the fact that he consulted the Guide, but she needed to know what they faced. She never saved the game and if she got killed then all of them were toast. "We go up the stairs to the west."

Atton shivered as if a cold wind had blown over him. "I have a really bad feeling about this."

Cal was horrified and grabbed Shepila, forcing her to look at him. "The Guide says save the game; when Atton says that it says in our game KotOR 2 to save the game. Shepila, please!"

"Oh, very well, but with all these extra team members, I don't think we have anything to worry about." Shepila went to the options wheel and quickly saved the game.

_Déjà vu._ Cal slowly got up from the floor and watched, confused as the others climbed to their feet. Shepila leaned wearily on the steps. "What happened? Did you get killed?"

She nodded. "Now we know how many of those…_things_ we face and to stay at a bloody distance, rather than rushing in like fools."

"You were the one who said 'charge!'" Flynn muttered as he checked his assault rifle.

"I accidentally hit the wrong signal on the D-pad and sent you forward and I could not get you to come back, so I came forward and that's the last I remember." Shepila frowned, rubbing her head.

"Because…you died." Saunter winced, remembering. "We all died."

"Even you died, Swagger." Wrex looked awed.

"The hell I did. I got knocked out by a blast from one of those damned geth."

"It was the geth destroyers that took us out." Kaidan put a hand gently on Shepila's shoulder and she gave him a wan smile.

"It does not matter." Liara's color was returning to her normal blue. "Cal saved all of us by having you save the game. He is a hero."

"Like I had nothing to do with it," Atton muttered.

"Shepila, maybe you should stay back and we'll battle the second time around and if we make it through, then you can join us." Flynn's suggestion met with nods of approval.

"Yeah, you might forget which direction out of **FOUR** you push the D-pad to give us directions." Swagger smirked at Shepila's furious expression.

Jaden had an idea. "Cal, give Shepila one of your stealth units. What the geth can't see, they can't target."

"I refuse to stay behind and let all of you fight."

"You just got us all killed." Wrex cut into her tirade.

"We know you didn't mean to, but that D-pad thing…" Saunter shrugged. "You had me running forward toward one of those white indicators and then you pulled me back and then sent me forward and then I couldn't move, even with those things bearing down on me."

"All right, I _get_ it!" Tears sparkled in Shepila's eyes.

Cal patted her on the shoulder. "Do you still have your Battle Meditation? That could really help us out."

"I have biotics now, not the Force!"

Flynn's eyes widened as they met Swagger's. "Ooh, somebody's cranky today."

"Stay here." Swagger aimed a finger at Shepila.

Atton handed her his stealth unit. "Put it on and stay out of sight. We live as long as you do."

Shepila's fingers curled about the belt. "Who died and made you boss?" she asked Swagger acidly as he strode away, the team falling into line behind him. She clapped a hand over her mouth when she realized what she had just said. _She_ had died, killing all of them. She really was in a bloody game and her life was not her own. Perfect!

Swagger and crew crouched along the ramp to avoid detection. They crept just far enough to line up shots on the geth in the chamber below. "Target one or two, then back up," Swagger snapped. "Let them come to us. Garrus, Carth, Ash, take out the ghosts with sniper rifles. Liara, Kaidan, use your biotic powers to hamper them. Rest of you, stick with me and use the assault rifles when they come up the stairs."

It didn't take long for the geth destroyers to start running up the ramp. According to Swagger's instructions, they kept low and retreated a few steps, peppering them with heavy fire. They held their position until no more geth came up the ramp, then slowly advanced, eliminating anymore of the synthetics lingering in the chamber below.

"All clear." Kaidan's soft husky voice startled Shepila and she pressed the button, deactivating the stealth unit. "You can join us."

"I…have never felt like such a coward in my life." She fought to keep her emotions in check.

"Cal asked that you save the game again since we don't want to have to go through that again."

Shepila did so and put out her hand for Kaidan to hold as they went up the stairs. Just as they rounded the corner to go down the ramp, they stopped holding hands, but Shepila gave Kaidan a warm smile.

"I see it went better second time around." Her voice was brisk, but not mean.

"Tali, there's a server node at the far end of the chamber." Cal pointed to it. "Decrypt it and we get an off-world assignment: **Investigate Samples**."

She hurried over to the node.

"What are we supposed to do, Cal?" Shepila seemed to have turned a mental corner. "I mean, in the Guide?"

"There's a shuttle bay door control at the far end of the chamber next to this one."

"Show me."

They approached it, but the warning message that was supposed to be on the console was not there and there was a smeared spot on the Guide so Cal could not make out what it said.

"I don't know what it says and I can't recall. Something about too much CSI causes the shuttle bay door to slam down on the dropship's claw that's lodged there and enough pressure would cut it off."

"Here is a series of **P**SI valves extending to the left of the controls." Tali stopped and looked back at Cal. "I see nothing about CSI. What does CSI mean?"

"Crime Scene Investigation." Cal scratched his head. "Maybe it was NCIS or NCIS L.A."

"And what do those mean?" Ash was puzzled.

"Uh, Navy Crime Investigation-um, I don't know."

"Atton, keep the tape handy." Swagger rolled his eyes.

"So, we have no way of forcing that claw loose?" Shepila stamped her foot in irritation.

"Well, we could play piggies."

Everyone stared at Cal who turned red. He went to the claw and took the first digit and exerted his full strength. "This little piggy…" He used the Force and by the time he had sent the last piggy wee, wee, weeing all the way home, the claw was pried loose. They got to see a really cool cut scene where it shows the geth dropship on the outside of the place, falling miles and miles and then there is a resounding crash.

"That did it!" Carth congratulated Cal, clapping him on the back. "There's nothing left to supply power to that force field. We should be good to go."

Suddenly, Joker's frantic voice came over the suit intercom. "Commander, I've been trying to get in touch with you. The _Normandy_'s under attack. The colonists are banging and scratching at the airlock doors, trying to get inside the ship!"

"Sit tight, Joker. They have no chance of breaching the ship's hull. We're leaving right now."

Shepila led her crew back downstairs, returning to ExoGeni's main level. Lizbeth Baynham was waiting at the bottom of the stairs for them.

"Why didn't you tell us everything about what's happening on Feros?" Shepila tried to keep calm, but she was really quite upset about the colonists being used as lab rats.

"I was scared." Lizbeth's eyes pleaded for understanding. "They threatened if I said anything I'd be next. Please, let me come with you. I want to make things right."

"Tell me where the Thorian is."

Lizbeth bit her lip then decided to come clean. "It's hidden in an under-ground lair beneath the surface of Zhu's Hope." She gave Shepila the exact location.

Jut then Joker radioed in. "Commander, more geth contacts are headed right for you."

"Time to go," Shepila decided.

"Better check your stats," Cal told her so that only she could hear. "You will have to handle a situation once we reach the refugee camp. You'll need either 10 intimidate points or 12 charm points to persuade Jeong or you end up having to kill him."

"I have nothing against him. Why would I kill him?"

"You'll find out. Check."

Shepila checked her stats. "I don't have enough of either."

"See, you find out the hard way not to neglect certain skills or powers, just like me not leveling up my intelligence in my game."

Same ole….same ole….

Their trip across the skylane was the same as the first time, so describing it would be repetitious and a waste of your time and mine. A cut scene happened when they reached the first garage area when Lizbeth heard the voice of her mother pleading with Jeong about something. She leaped out of the Mako. Shepila was in too much of a hurry to find the Thorian and decided she would not get involved, but found the stupid door would not open, so she had to turn around and go to where Lizbeth was on the ramp leading down to the refugee camp. Another cut scene took her into the room when Jeong discovered she and her team had not been killed by the geth as he had hoped.

She looked to Cal because whatever she said, she did not have enough points to persuade Jeong from "repurposing" the entire group at Zhu's Colony. Cal waved a hand that put Jeong into stasis.

"You will calm down and listen to the commander," Cal said, using a Jedi mind trick.

"I…will listen." Jeong looked puzzled.

"There is a way to save the colonist's. They are under the control of the Thorian so they will do anything they can to kill you to keep you from reaching it." Once Lizbeth told her mother about the Thorian, Julianna suddenly seemed to have a lot of knowledge about it and also just happened to have handy Anti-Thorian gas grenades that she gave Shepila, pleading with her not to kill innocent civilians.

Cal whispered to Atton. "They only give you enough to use five times and there are way more colonists than five."

"Don't tell Swagger or he'll take them all out." Atton kept an eye on the bounty hunter/assassin.

"Statement: I have been keeping quiet until this moment, because I had no lines. Stipulation: However, I do have a neural toxic gas I can use on the meatbags."

"Knock-out gas?" Cal patted HK on his shoulder casing. "Brilliant!"

"Snide statement, emitted in a low frequency so the meatbags cannot hear: I did not say knock-out gas. I said neural toxin, ha-ha."

As everyone started back to the Makos, Shepila reminded them she did not want any casualties that could be helped. Swagger suggested she let them knock out the colonists once all of the gas grenades had been used and she okayed the idea.

"No bullets. No disintegrations."

"Yeah, kick 'em in the noogies; use your elbows and smash them in the face—might break a few teeth, but they wake up at least." Swagger sniggered at Shepila's confounded look.

"Ram them with your shoulder." Wrex offered. "I've found it works for me."

"Yeah, if ya have the build of a Mack truck," Flynn mumbled. He and Swagger knocked their knuckles together.

"Use your fists," Swagger added. "Just evade their fire and pulverize them."

"Or," Cal raised a finger. "Atton and I could put them in stasis and you could take it easy on them." He wagged the finger at HK. "No using toxic gas that would kill them."

"Disappointed admission: You certainly know how to spoil an assassination droid's fun, Jedi meatbag."

Cal smiled. "Ex-Jedi meatbag, HK."

"Okay, so stay sharp because we have one more lap to go out on the skylane and then we face the colonists." Shepila looked pensive. "What else do we encounter, Cal?"

He read the Guide. "Something called creepers." He looked relieved. "That doesn't sound so bad."

"Nope, and that concerns me." Swagger grabbed his dagger from his boot and inspected the blade for any nicks.

Once they were back in the Makos, they found little resistance from the geth. Shepila braked sharply when she saw something crouching near the garage to Zhu's Hope.

Grr-argh! Whatever it was uncurled from the road. It looked slimy and had nails that really needed a trim, and it was humanoid in shape and freaked them out, because one moment they were in the Makos and the next they were outside the complex being stalked by this unnatural creature.

Cal took one look at it and dived back inside the Mako. "It's a zombie!"

Swagger rolled his eyes and shot the creeper several times with incinerating rounds until it melted into red goo.

He smirked at Cal who had his head in Liara's lap. The Jedi was shaking. "What's up with you?"

"Zombies! It said creepers, but they're _zombies_." Cal's teeth were chattering. "I can't handle zombies."

Swagger patted him on the shoulder, noting how Liara was running her fingers through his tousled curls. "That's fine. You stay here while everyone else risks their lives. I'm fine with that."

Cal lifted his head and met Swagger's merciless stare. "You are?"

"No, ya moron!" Vasa grabbed Cal and jerked him out of the Mako. "Nobody gets to stay out of any firefights." He gave him a violent push. "Especially you, because you got me into this mess in the first place."

"You really do hold a grudge, don't you, Swagger? You know there are anger management classes you could take, right?"

"The best therapy I can think of is beating you to a pulp." Swagger treated him to a wolfish smile. "Get going."

They left the Makos outside the garage since they had to be careful who they targeted now. Cal and Atton used stealth so they could get in close enough to use the Force, because as soon as they entered the garage, they were shot at by some of the indoctrinated colonists. Well, Atton did, because also in the garage were several more of the creepers, who were aptly named because they were creepy. If any of the team let them get close enough they would vomit green stuff all over them which was like being spewed with green, poisonous relish.

Cal was unable to move once he saw them. He was frozen in fear.

"What's wrong with Cal?" Saunter asked. "Where'd he go?"

"He's stealthed." Atton used the Force to locate the terrified Exile.

He was a basket case, shivering and shaking. All the females, except Shepila gathered around him and made soothing noises and hugged him. "Green goo," he wailed when his eyes snapped open.

"Looks like he's got one of them there phobias." Flynn went tch-tch-tch with his tongue.

"Pull yourself together," Shepila told Cal sternly. "We have to save the colonists and find the Thorian."

He broke away from the group hug, looking miserable. "S-sorry. I'm not a coward. Those things—those zombies. I was not prepared to face zombies. The Guide says creepers."

Saunter took the Guide and perused it until he came to a NOTE. Says here they are zombielike husks that rush you and attack with vicious force. They also vomit toxic stuff on you which slows down your healing ability."

"Not helping," Carth said, seizing the Guide from the kid. "It also says we can use shotguns because their natural knockback effect keeps them at bay and Shepila, you, Kaidan and Liara and Wrex can use your biotic powers, especially lift and throw. Of course, you Jedi will use the Force."

"I don't want that stuff on me." Cal was recovering a little from his terrible fright.

"So stay back far enough from them so they can't vomit on ya." Swagger switched to his shotgun. "Let's go. I want this mission over ASAP."

Five Anti-Thorian grenades later…

"I didn't mean to kill them!" Saunter was sopping wet with green bile and slung some of it at the others when he gestured as he defended himself to Shepila. "They were with the creepers and I sorta closed my eyes and just kept firing until my shotgun overheated."

"For each colonist you kill I get renegade points." Shepila was also covered with the gunk and was out of sorts. As a rescue this was turning into a massacre. Wrex had tried to save two colonists by knocking their heads together and had crushed their skulls. Swagger and Flynn would only play by the rules when it did not put them in jeopardy, although they tried to keep the casualties to the colonists that had no names. When they were rushed by creepers and being shot at by the colonists, it was hard not to take out every hostile. Shepila was tempted to change her mind and tell her team not to take anymore chances. And she had started out with the counter saying 16 alive. The number now was 8…no, make that 7. She watched as Ash's shotgun blast took out another innocent.

Finally, the fight was over. 5 had survived. Shepila punched the open button on the console to the freighter and a door lifted, showing them the way into the hidden under-ground lair. They were just about to enter it when Fai Dan, the leader of the Zhu's Hope Colony staggered out of a cut scene, holding a pistol. He did not seem to notice 13 shotguns pointed at him.

"I tried to fight it." Fai Dan's lined face was full of pain. "But the pain. I was their leader. It wants me to kill you, but I won't. I won't!" Fai Dan raised the pistol and brought it against his head.

Cal froze him; Atton clipped him under the jaw and eased him to the ground. "Six survivors," the pilot said, smiling.

"For once, I'm glad you broke the rules." Shepila touched Cal's cheek.

They took the underground stairwell that had been revealed and entered the Thorian's chamber and got their first look at the monstrous plant. Bulbous, with tendrils stretching all about the place.

Cal's eyes widened. "We're going to need a bigger boat." He shook his head. "No, that's not right. We're going to need a bigger…something?"

"Gun," Swagger said, and even he seemed a little rattled by the size of the Thorian.

"Who are you and why are you enslaving humans?" Shepila found her voice finally.

_Get this straight!  
I'm just a mean green mother from outer space  
and I'm bad.  
I'm just a mean green mother from outer space  
and it looks like you been had.  
I'm just a mean green mother from outer space,  
So get off my back, 'n get out my face,  
'Cause I'm mean and green  
And I am bad._

Cal shuddered. He thought he had heard it all, but a singing plant?!

_A/N Disclaimer: Do not own Star Wars or Mass Effect or the original lyrics to any of the songs. Thanks for hanging in there. My bro-in-law died Jan. 1 of lung cancer and the humor was not flowing. Hope the wait was worth it._


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter 21:

Meet the New Boss

"Let's make guacamole of that thing!" Wrex growled, rushing it before anyone could stop him.

After he was devoured and spat back out, covered with green slime, the krogan kept back in the pack.

"If you can smash pumpkins, why can't we smash a Thorian?" Cal whispered to Atton.

"That's a band, Cal—the Smashing Pumpkins," Atton explained.

Shepila gave the warning that another wave of creepers and the green asari that the plant kept spewing out, were coming. The team had settled into a pattern by now, since they were on the second level. Those prone to run screaming and foaming at the mouths from the creepy critters, were delegated to staying in the back while Shepila, Kaidan, Liara, Jaden and Tali used their biotics/Force and tech abilities. Cal used Force push just to keep them away from him. Swagger, Flynn and Garrus picked them off with shotgun blasts. Atton, Bao and Cal used Force lightning on the asari. Saunter and Carth shot the nodules that were anchored to the sides of the walls—they seemed to be the only weakness of the big bad mother from outer space.

"Oh, no-ooo-no,no,no!" Cal cowered back when he saw another batch of inactive creepers hunched down like plants that needed water or sunshine to grow. "I just know they'll come creeping up behind us like they did last time." He gave the fourth wall an aggrieved look. "Who came up with this lame idea that you can't destroy them when they're dormant? I mean, think about it—we have rounds that make things burst into flame and turn into ashes, so why wouldn't they die if you shoot them _before_ they activate?"

"He asks the same thing every damn time we turn a corner." Flynn hated the creepers, too. He was splattered head to foot with the green gunk and knew he smelled terrible. "Hey, Atton, you got that Force power wash, don't ya? Mind hosing me off?"

Atton nodded and waved his hands and water shot out of his fingertips as he spun in a circle resembling one of those sprinkler systems. Then something really bad happened. The water cleaned off Flynn, but any of the creepers it touched began to grow into monster CREEPERS.

"Turn it off!" Flynn shouted as he fired in desperation at the huge monstrosity that stalked him.

Cal zapped it with lightning and Flynn was once again covered in gunk as well as soaked from the water. Swagger and Wrex rolled on the ground laughing at the merc.

Swagger ignored Cal. It was the only way to stay sane when he was around the well-meaning moron. He nodded to Flynn, agreeing with him, but not finding it necessary to say the obvious.

"Another wave!" Shepila cried out. "Remember to take down the asari first."

"Five levels." Saunter was flipping through the Guide. "We're on level 4. Get ready to keep the creepers off us while we shoot the nodule."

All the others nodded and Saunter, Carth, Mira and Garrus took positions to fire on the nodule that was lit up with a red targeting box. In the game, for some reason, only Shepard can shoot the bloody thing!

Cal frowned. "Let me try something," he told them and unleashed Force lightning into the nodule. It exploded as did the creepers that were just starting to come alive. "Yeah! The Force rocks! The Force rules!"

So, he and all the Jedi used Force lightning to destroy the next wave. Once they reached the fifth and final level, they had the sequence down. Unleash FL, fry the nodule, fight the wave of creepers and asari and…wait! The game dissolves into a cut scene, showing the Thorian fall into the abyss. Cheers of relief and congratulations rang out.

One final asari slid out of one of the pods that were on the wall in the main room. She stumbled over, speaking perfect English. Come to think of it_, all_ of the aliens speak human. Most of the aliens think the human race is beneath them, yet they _speak_ human. H-mmmm.

Sorry, the writer had a Cal-ism moment there. I'm back now.

"So, I have an idea," Cal said, ignoring the chorus of groans that greeted the comment. "Liara, you bond with her and then she can bond with Shepard and you can bond with me, so we both can see that Geiger scene with the orange melted all over everybody and we'll be closer to what Saren is after, the location of the Condom."

Swagger and Flynn sniggered. Atton rolled his eyes. "_Conduit_, Cal."

Shepila surprised everybody by agreeing to the plan, saying it would prevent the cut scene on the Normandy where she has to bond with Liara and Ash makes snide remarks.

Ash objected," Hey, I only do that if Shepard is a male!"

So they had a four-way relay going and Shepila and Cal heard the piercing music that accompanies the scene of when the protheans were annihilated by the reapers, all of the aliens looking like they were covered in creamsicles.

They were magically transported back to the refugee camp in Zhu's Hope and Shepila and Cal went around getting the few comments of thanks from the even fewer survivors. Fai-Dan was among them and since he had no more lines, he just smiled at them.

"Well, another mission accomplished." Cal smiled when Shepila cast him a strange look that almost made her look like the old Bastila, but then she really wasn't old, so that wasn't right. The Bastila of old? But old what?

"Where do we go from here?" Ash asked.

_(Director: Cue music.)_

_Where do we go from here?_

_Where do we go from here?_

_The battle's done _

_And we kinda won,_

_So we sound our victory che-er_

_Where do we go from here?_

"Back to the _Normandy_." Shepila announced in her prim voice.

As was his habit, Cal complained all the long way back to the ship. "Why didn't the makers of the game come up with a way so you don't have to back track such a long distance? I certainly hope they do in the second game. I mean, it's so pointless. There's nothing to find—no good stuff, no terminals to hack, so why not just add a cut scene to the ship?'

"I'm thinking about taping his mouth again," Swagger muttered to Wrex who snorted.

***

Meanwhile on Noveria—Peak 15

For the uninitiated out there-- Noveria is a snowy world located in the Pax system of the Horse Head Nebula cluster. As with the other storyline worlds, there is a multitude of optional assignments to be completed on Noveria. The primary mission is to find out why there is geth interest in the corporate research colony on Noveria-if you are Commander Shepard that is—if not, then you might have come for more nefarious reasons.

When Sylar Exile and Skippy Vasa (no relation to the bounty hunter/assassin, but twin brother to Saunter Vasa; again, no relation to Swagger Vasa), arrived on Noveria, they did not have to select another ally to complete the team to accompany them as they entered the Port Hanshan Docking Bay. They were a deadly duo and they liked it that way. They moved down the walkway until they were confronted by Captain Maeko Matsuo and Kaira Stirling of Elanus Risk Control. Captain Matsuo was the least horrible looking of the two women officers and treated them decently. Exile Sylar had confirmed there must be only a few generic faces available, most of them looked the same, only with their hair different lengths and colors. Her hair was dark and she had the generic body and wore one of the rubber uniforms he had come to loathe. She informed them that weapons were not allowed in the Plaza. However as a Jedi who knew how to use mind control, Sylar persuaded the good captain to let them carry a weapon wherever they went. Kaira Stirling, however was nasty at the start, telling them they better not make one wrong move since Matsuo let them pass. Sylar looked at her, thinking to himself if he could remember her from all the others and she gave him a rough time, he would split her forehead open and watch her brains spill out. All over that hideous Prince Valiant, bleached blonde haircut.

They proceeded through the door at the end of the walkway to enter Customs. They headed to the front desk and spoke with a woman named Gianna Parasini who Sylar was pretty sure was Captain Matsuo, only wearing a red dress and lipstick to match this time. They inquired about the geth to learn that Matriarch Benezia, the asari recognized as the second voice in the recording with Saren that Tali the quarian had provided, had recently passed through customs. Benezia was now at a remote complex called Peak 15.

"We need to speak to her." By speak, Sylar meant to split her brain open and steal all her knowledge and powers, biotic they might be, but he didn't tell Gianna that. He used all his charm on the woman who clearly had not been off the port in a long time and was willing to cut a handsome dude like him a break.

"I have no problem with that, but you'll have to speak to the administrator to get his permission."

Skippy rolled his eyes. Nothing had been easy from day one since they had come to the universe. "Where is he?"

"Use the elevator down those stairs to reach the plaza. His Admin Office is in the southeastern corner of the plaza. Speak to me before you see him."

"Why?" Sylar scratched his head. "We're speaking to you now."

"Yeah, tell us what we need to know now rather than make us jump through hoops." Skippy brought his gun out and gave her a menacing look.

"That's what has to happen. Stop and see me and ask me about him and then, and only then, can you go into his office and he will be very rude and tell you no."

"So, if he's going to say no, why should we open ourselves to verbal abuse?" Sylar was starting to get angry. Nobody wanted to see him angry.

"You have to initiate a conversation with him so you get the next quest. You'll need a garage pass. If you stop at Opold's store and you have his smuggling package, you can get Administrator Anoleis to give you a pass right then, but the option won't be on your conversation wheel unless you have the package."

"Give us directions to his store." Skippy kicked and scuffed his boots in irritation. "Don't you people ever do anything without having to initiate a quest in some devious way?"

"It's how we do things on Noveria." Gianna told him and then she smiled. "Or there is a way you can do it that involves a very convoluted plot that may take a lot of time and you end up helping me, but you almost get killed in the process. Take your pick."

"Are you nuts?" Sylar turned his back on her, hurried to the hanar's store, got that quest, kept the merchandise and went to Administrator Anoleis who rewarded him with a garage pass. All he wanted to do was to find the damned asari matriarch. Experience did not matter, but it was nice to receive more renegade points. He checked his alignment and was pleased to see the wheel was 3/4s full of red and there was no blue for paragon.

After a firefight with geth that had been smuggled in by the asari matriarch, they drove a Mako they found out of the garage to enter Aleutsk Valley. Peak 15 was located at the other end of the valley. Due to the bad weather, the area's environment was currently a Level 1 Hazard. Skippy found out the hard way when Sylar saw a crate he wanted the young assassin to hack. Skippy dived back inside the vehicle just before the bar in the bottom-right corner of the screen filled up or the weather conditions would have killed him.

A geth heavy turret and some shock troopers were positioned at the mouth of the first tunnel they came to. Skippy was driving so he used the Mako's cannon to destroy the heavy turret, then barreled through the kinetic shields and blasted the geth troopers up ahead as they moved through the tunnel. A short cut scene was triggered when they reached the end of the tunnel. An armature and troopers were positioned on a small hill just before the bend. Skippy used the Mako's cannon to destroy the armature from a safe distance and then the geth troopers.

Sylar catnapped beside him. Skippy stole a look at his boss and mumbled, "Unbelievable!"

He followed the winding trail in the blinding snow to reach another tunnel. Geth rocket troopers stood at the mouth of this tunnel; a well-placed cannon blast took them all out at once. Skippy was getting the hang of the Mako, or thought he was as he positioned it sideways and almost drove off a very, very steep cliff. Once he was done with the tunnel, the only resistance he encountered the rest of the way to Peak 15 were geth heavy turrets. He kept an eye out for their slow-moving missiles and swerved to avoid taking damage. He followed the trail until he reached Peak 15 entrance. He consulted the Guide he'd stolen before they'd undertaken this trip. The one thing he agreed with the real Exile about was the Guide was a very good thing to have.

"Wake up," he told Sylar crankily. "We have to save the game before we go inside because there are krogan and a geth juggernaut waiting for us in the garage."

They sprinted inside and took cover behind crates that always seemed to be placed wherever they went and so conveniently, too. First, Sylar used Force lightning to take out the repair drone that would have fixed the geth when it was damaged. Since Skippy loved to try out all his weapons and the different kinds of rounds, Sylar let him deal with the krogan and juggernaut. Once they were out of commission, they headed up the steps in the southeastern corner of the garage to reach the walkway and moved to its end, moving through corridors, coming to an (you guessed it) elevator. They rode the elevator to reach the Peak 15 Admin section.

"You know this walkthrough is getting boring." Skippy stepped out of the elevator. It was very quiet—he would have said the quiet before the storm, but the storm was already raging outside.

"What do you want to happen?" Sylar glanced about the cafeteria—generic like the rest of the sets in this game. It looked like all the mods were the same except for the material varied and the color. The ceiling had been damaged and snow was lumped here and there, making it cold and miserable and there were some really strange noises coming from the vents, but he could see nothing.

"Well, some action. I mean, this is an RPG. You expect to fight." Skippy tapped the Guide inside his rucksack. "I only read so far ahead because I like surprises."

As if granting his wish, a troop of geth descended on them and they were involved in a heavy firefight, but it was nothing they couldn't handle. Sylar shot Skippy a dirty look. "Feel better now?"

A cut scene was triggered. Gianna Parasini had warned them about an accident on Peak 15, though the true nature of the accident was unknown because all contact with the facility was lost for some time. The hallway on the west end of the cafeteria soon filled up with strange insect-like species called rachni. Now, with that name, you can guess what kind of species—they made the kinrath on Kashyyyk and Dantooine look like nothing!

Sylar and Skippy found out the hard way the creatures could dish out some serious damage. They had toxic projectiles, and the workers were small, fast and would explode when close. I'm seeing a theme develop here: on Feros the creepers have projectile vomit; on Noveria the rachni have projectile spit.

Skippy gasped and rolled on the ground watching his life line change from healthy red to green. Sylar healed him with the Force, not out of kindness, but because he had a feeling there would be a lot more of these creatures. They cleared out the rachni and swept the side rooms for items and then rode the elevator at the end of the hall to reach the Peak 15 Mira Core.

"Keep that Guide out and don't lead me into anymore surprises," Sylar told Skippy.

"Takes all the fun and mystery out of things, but, okay." Skippy skimmed the events that were about to unfold and gulped. "You're not going to like it."

"What?"

"Next room is a lot of the little fast guys with two or three of the big guys and then we have to check the power junction on the left."

Sylar opened the door and used the Force to push back the onslaught of workers while Skippy fired incinerating rounds on the two big ones. "Score one for our side!"

"What next?" Sylar examined the power junction and found it offline.

They headed through the door at the room's west end. Once in the Mira Core area, which is the VI that runs Peak 15, they moved to the opposite end of the room and took the elevator down to the core. Skippy accessed the Memory Core and a sign flashed that he could reboot it manually or use up 100 Omni-gel. Very rarely, does one have that much to spare this early on in the game, so he had to do the puzzle from hell. If you recall the puzzle Revan had to solve in KotOR on Korriban in one of the tombs, with the revolving colored disks needing to be moved onto the center, left or right poles, then you have some idea of what he faced.

"What's taking so long?" Sylar's voice rang in his head and he cursed as he pushed the wrong button and had to start over again. Even using the Guide with the solution at his fingertips, he could lose track of what line and enter it again and have to start over.

All he had to do was solve the frackin' puzzle which consisted of stacks of different colored blocks using the X, B & Y buttons on the control. The challenge was in the fact that the stack must be transferred from largest block to smallest block. After what seemed like forever, Skippy succeeded and the VI Mira popped into view, startling him, not because she was a VI but because she was called Mira and sort of looked like the Mira from KotOR 2, although this Mira was a holo.

She asked him if he was trying to have the system come online, well, duh! He told her yes and she gave him more tasks with more rachni to face, one on the roof. The core rose up to the level where Sylar was and he told the man where they needed to go.

"I'll take the roof and reconnect the land lines." Sylar buffed his nails on his armor. "I'll destroy the rachni with the Force. You reconnect the fuel lines."

Simple, right?

Skippy rode the elevator at the corridor's end to reach the Reactor Core. There were geth destroyers and stalkers along the walkway that led to the fuel line repair console. Skippy was prepared. He was stealthed and walked right past them to turn on the power. He set mines from his galaxy near them, then unstealthed and watched them blown to bits. No problem. Since he did not have the Force or any biotic disabling abilities, he had learned to think of new and inventive ways to kill these guys.

Sylar made short work of the rachni. Even with all their numbers, they were no match for the Force. He looked up and saw the freezing snow and wondered why, since he was exposed on the roof to the elements, why didn't the line that showed up when they were on their way across the valley didn't appear. Inconsistency in the game?

He and Skippy met at the elevator. Sylar smiled that creepy smile that told Skippy he'd had way too much fun killing the rachni. "What now?"

"Warning!" Mira's voice that had not stopped making the same announcement over and over again since they turned her back on, made them both jump. "Loose contaminants are in the decontamination chamber."

Sylar sighed. "Let me guess. To get to Rift Station, that's where we need to go and there is no other way?"

Skippy nodded. "But I have a high skill in hacking and electronics so we're good." He repaired the Plasma Purge console and cleared the decon chamber. "But, for some reason, the next chamber, which is full of those workers is _not_ purged." Skippy set more mines, watching the domed bubbles flash. He opened the door and darted back through the first door. They could see what was happening through the glass and it wasn't pretty. Funny how all those explosions killed the workers, but did no damage to the chamber, only leaving black scorch marks on the floor.

Instead of an elevator or the Mako, they got to take a tram to Rift Station. There was only one accessible elevator so once they arrived, they took it to the Science Station and talked to Captain Ventralis, a bald guy wearing what appeared to be cast-off Mandalorian armor. The conversation ended when a couple of rachni soldiers attacked. Because they had no choice, they helped him and his ERCS guards take them out, earning them points with him for later when they would need the clout.

"Where is Benezia?"

"She's in the sealed labs." Skippy was consulting the Guide again.

"Find me the fastest way through. I don't want anymore side quests." Sylar looked as if he would commit violence. He seized the Guide and read and shook his head, giving it back. "We are not going to take on the Dr. Zev Cohen find-a-cure quest. We'll go through the room that is guarded and makes mechs and all the ERCS guards turn against us. I want the renegade points and I'm in the mood to kill."

So, after they killed all the guards, they ended up in the Hot Labs and got their first look at Liara's mother, Matriarch Benezia who was dressed like the queen in Snow White except her blue boobs were displayed prominently and in a movie made for kids they kept those covered.

She was standing on the central platform in the Secure Lab talking to the biggest arachni ever. And, talk about felony bad voice acting! Sylar figured it would be a mercy killing for those who had to listen to her spout her gibberish. She summoned a pair of asari commandos that Sylar put down with ease. But Benezia's biotic abilities were very, very powerful so, after the cut scene and they could move again, the two men turned right and sprinted up the walkway behind the queen arachni's cage to avoid them. They left only her minions to deal with.

Her asari commandos had a stasis ability that could be worrisome, but Sylar swatted them aside like they were gnats. The fight ended when Benezia's health line was past the half way mark. Skippy had warned him after the cut scene Benezia goes back to full power, so Sylar raised his finger and began slicing open her brain, but before he could kill her or she could recover, things took a very strange twist.

Peter Petrelli and Hiro popped in holding onto Revan. Revan ran Sylar through with a lightsaber, after Peter touched him, taking all his powers, because that is what Peter did, absorb other's powers. Sylar died with a whimper of pain and Skippy went to his knees and begged for his life.

Revan read Benezia's mind, receiving the information she had stored there for Saren about the location of the Conduit. He also used his power to remove all of Saren's influence over her and healed her.

"Get up. Stop groveling." Revan folded his arms over his chest as he considered what to do. "I could use a minion like you. I need a spy to keep an eye on Shepard and Cal. Interested?"

Skippy nodded energetically, not telling Revan he planned to head back to the Star Wars galaxy as soon as he reached the ship. Revan seemed to read his mind.

"I warn you, my reach is long and I can find you and make you suffer a horrible fate, so do not disappoint me."

Skippy gulped. Out of the frying pan into the fire. New boss, same as the old boss, maybe worse.

Benezia was slumped on the floor, but Revan knew she would be all right.

"Why show mercy?" Skippy had to ask.

"I'm not. I just like to mess with Cal's mind." He snapped his fingers to gain Skippy's full attention. "See to it Swagger gets his ship back. I want the people who do not belong here, except for me and you, of course, to have a way to return home."

Skippy saluted. "Should I bow or something?"

Revan considered and then he laughed. "No, just worship the ground I walk on. That's enough."

"Uh, sure." Hiro popped them all back to the ship and Skippy boarded it. As he flew through the mass effect relay to Feros and docked near the _Normandy_, he wondered how everything had gone so wrong and he wondered if the readers would even care Sylar was dead. Had they expected a great fight? Between Sylar and Cal, puh-leeeze! Luce was always known for his cheating ways, so it should come as no big surprise he would strip Sylar of his powers and kill him easily. Still, he hoped there would be no let-down.

Now all he had to do was wait for the crew to return and try not to get killed by Swagger Vasa who had to be miffed about his ship being stolen by a punk kid.

_A/N DISCLAIMER: I still do not own anything Star Wars or Bioware or the lyrics to any songs. I will admit this was not the best chapter because I have been playing Mass Effect 2 and it is so awesome!!!!!!! And it was hard to leave the worlds and great story to come back to this. I will be cleaning house next chapter. There are too many characters and I want to concentrate more on Cal/Shepila/Kaidan, so the SW guys will return to their own galaxy. It was getting too hard to keep track of all of them, heh heh! So, at least you got something._


	22. Chapter 22

Chapter 22:

Can't Deny

"Help! Get him off me!" Skippy was on the deck being beaten to a pulp.

Saunter punched him again. "You no-good son of a no-gooder! You poor excuse for a human being!" He aimed a kick into his twin's ribs and Skippy howled in pain.

"I brought _The Seeker_ back as soon as I got away from Sylar Exile." Skippy yelped when Saunter's fist connected with his jaw. "One of the arachni got him. It wasn't my choice! I had no choice! You saw what he could do!"

"You betrayed me and you stole Swagger Vasa's ship. What is the matter with you?"

"I always had problems, you know that." Skippy had been instructed by Revan that he was to behave contritely and take any punishment merited for his despicable actions.

Saunter scowled ferociously. "I should kill you!"

Cal finally intervened since it looked like nobody else would. "You don't want his blood on your hands, Saunter."

"It washes off, doesn't it?" Saunter looked puzzled.

"No, I mean, well, yes, but what I meant was, you don't want his blood on your conscience." Now it was Cal's turn to look puzzled. "Although how it could get on that I don't know."

"Focus, Cal." Atton laid a hand on Cal's shoulder.

"Killing him won't make you feel any better." Cal tried again.

"Hey, we were enjoying the show." Wrex pushed through the ranks and confronted Cal. "Let the kid finish what he started or Swag might have to take over for him."

Swagger had not moved since he had seen his ship land and Skippy had come down the ramp. He stood there, arms folded over his chest, brows lowered in a menacing scowl. He had not spoken, but he had watched in secret delight when Saunter threw himself at his brother.

"Okay, so we have a way home." Flynn rubbed his hands together gleefully. "Anybody who wants to come with us is welcome. Right, Swag?"

Swagger stopped glowering long enough to nod.

"Swag going to leave, but we haven't fought Saren yet and saved the galaxy." Wrex was close to blubbering.

Shepila sighed when the huge krogan appealed to her. "Swagger, you're welcome to stay, and I promise not to boss you around if you do. We could use your help."

"I'll think about it." The assassin returned to glaring at Skippy who was bleeding and moaning on the deck.

"Cal, should I stay?" Saunter asked. "I know Skippy better than anyone and I can always tell when he is lying."

"Can not." Skippy stuck out his lower lip.

"Can, too," Saunter shot back and swung at his twin as Skippy slowly got to his feet.

"I'm sticking it out." Atton played with his fingerless gloves and hitched his shoulders so that his fancy ribbed jacket would settle better.

"Okay, Flynn, would you take Bao and Mira back with you?" Cal counted off on his fingers.

"What about Jaden and Carth?" Shepila's haste to include them was transparent. She had never gotten along with Jaden.

Cal nodded. "And Carth and Jaden."

"Luce is here and he's _my_ brother." Jaden took a defiant stance. She aimed an if-looks-could-kill glare at Shepila. "That's why we came here."

"You had your chance to defeat him on the Star Forge and you could not do it." Shepila's gaze softened. "Go home to your children, Jaden."

Carth frowned and waved his hands in his energetic fashion as he talked. "What about you and what you face? I'm good in a fight."

"Go home with your wife to your children. Cal and I will do what needs to be done when it comes to Luce. He's our concern now, not yours."

"What about Visas?" Mira asked.

Cal slapped his forehead. "I forgot to tell everyone. I got something through the Xtra-net from her. She is now working for the asari consular."

"You mean she's a hooker?" Mira blew out a soft whistle. "It's the quiet ones that surprise you sometimes. She was always saying that phrase. What was it?"

"My life for yours." Cal swallowed. "I didn't even get to say good-bye to her.

"Statement: There is no way you take me out of this game, meatbag."

"Does this mean, with less crew, I will be able to have a more active role?" Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams asked. "I don't even think the writer gave a description of me. What am I: chopped liver?"

Cal shuddered. "Of course not! You look way better than that." He touched her face. "I like your eyes. Sometimes I think they're blue and sometimes they look brown, but whichever color they are, they're pretty. And you have a nice mouth. A man would like to kiss a mouth like that. And the way that white and pink armor molds your figure, well, it keeps a man up at night. And your poetry, it's so much better than Echani poetry. You have no idea!"

Ash's lovely, kissable mouth dropped open in surprise. "Cal, that was so sweet! And you like my poetry?"

He looked alarmed as if he knew he'd backed himself into a corner. "I just don't want you thinking you look like chopped liver." His face turned pink when he realized everyone was staring at him. "Well, she doesn't!"

Flynn took Swagger by the arm and pulled him aside. "You sure you want to put up with you-know-who?"

Swagger smirked. "I'll just use the tape if he gets on my nerves too much."

Flynn's throat worked and his Adam's apple danced. "You want me to stay, just say the word."

"I don't trust anybody else to fly our ship. Besides, looks like you might want to continue developing your relationship with Red."

Flynn laughed. Swagger always called Mira "Red". He and Swagger exchanged a Mandalorian forearm shake and then he signaled to all the others to board the ship.

Swagger watched his ship take off and then he turned, stalked over to Skippy and shoved his nose against the kid's, eyes blazing. "No second chances, Gonnabe. If I even think you're dirty, I'll slit your lying throat."

"And I'll run you through with my lightsaber." Cal could be stern when needed. He did not trust Skippy even though Saunter's twin told them he had only worked for Sylar Exile under duress.

"And I'll shoot you with the biggest gun I have in my arsenal." Shepila decided to add to the growing threats.

"Statement: I will turn all your squishy parts to ash with these lovely incinerating rounds."

"I'll make toast out of you with Force lightning." Atton shot a blast at the kid.

"I'll fill you full of so many holes…" Kaidan was interrupted by Wrex.

"That's the best you can come up with? How about I'll grind his bones to dust?" The krogan chuckled.

"I…dislike violence unless absolutely necessary. "Tali spoke up. "I will accidentally on purpose space you out the airlock."

"I'll shoot you until my gun overheats and then I'll switch to another and another and another." Ash grabbed her assault rifle.

Saunter raised his hands. "If anybody kills him it'll be me. I'm fed up with his lies."

"Okay, I get it. I _get_ it!" Skippy wiped blood from his mouth. "You don't trust me."

"Lock him up somewhere secure." Shepila ordered and Ash and Kaidan left, escorting the new prisoner.

Shepila and Cal gazed deeply into each other's eyes and it was if the world stopped for a moment. Grey eyes met soft brown and their heads moved closer, lips a breath apart and then the moment was lost. "Cal, we have to stop Saren. The reapers want to extinguish all organic life. The geth harvest us, turning us into monsters." She shuddered. "You haven't encountered any husks. They put humans on spikes and impale them and turn them into husks. All they are then are mindless killers."

Cal's face hardened with determination. "We will, Shepila." He took her hands. "We'll stop them!"

She pulled her hands free, aware of the scuttle-butt that could result with the crew if they saw them this way. "Could you please call me Shepard? Jaden is gone and I hope, with her that awful nickname. It's demeaning."

Cal nodded. "Shepard, it is. Don't you want me to call you Jane?"

She made a face. "If I could reach through the screen and throttle the person playing the game who named me that, I would. I'd rather you call me Shepard."

"Okay, Shepard, let's get the flock out of here," Swagger said as he pushed past, making Wrex snicker.

"Where are we headed?" Cal asked as he walked beside her—as usual, miraculously in the decontamination chamber at the front of the ship, all of them were stripped of their armor and appeared back in the casual crew clothing.

"Noveria."

Saunter frowned. "Skippy said he and Sylar were there."

"Yes, but we need to get the information matriarch Benezia has and I don't know of any other way to do it, do you?"

"So, we get to battle all those spiders?" Cal did not look happy at the prospect.

Liara spoke up. "My mother is under the influence of Saren. That is the only explanation for her turning against organics. We must go there and confront her."

Shepard gave it some thought. We'll have to reach her. I'm sure Skippy and Sylar did a lot of damage while they were there."

HK stopped the jerky tri-movements of his head as a message was received from Revan, although he did not know its source. "Statement: I have just received a message. I do not recognize the voice although I am sure it belongs to the blue, veiny-boobed mama meatbag you seek." He played the recording.

"The Conduit's location." Shepard smiled her rare smile. "At last!"

"So…we don't have to go to Noveria?" Cal looked hopeful.

"No, we have to go to Virmire." Saunter had the Guide and was perusing it. "And it won't be any cake walk."

Cal frowned. "Cakes have feet? I guess they could. I mean, if some of them are cups in their spare time. I've seen mugs with feet. Or would a cake walk be if _we_ walk over them?" He regarded everyone else. "Is that anything like shoe-fly pie? If you think about it, there is such a thing as angel cake and since angels have wings, does that mean some cakes can fly as well as walk?"

Swagger made a noise of disgust. "Atton!"

"Got the tape right here." The pilot produced the roll of duct tape.

"Shutting up now." Cal clamped his lips together.

Shepard smiled and then stopped when she came to the bridge. Right on the platform where she stood for so many hours until her feet and her back hurt from bending over to look at the galaxy map was a stool with leather back. She looked around to see which one of her crew had done this for her and when Cal made a point to stare at the floor, she knew it was him. She was just about to thank him when he raised his head and floored her by asking if she had any extra blankets.

"I'm sure we have plenty in the crew's quarters," she told him, wondering why.

"I noticed when we were fighting today, several people said 'Cover me!', so I thought…" His eyes widened when she giggled. "What?"

"You can be the sweetest man." She hopped onto her stool. "Dare I ask where you got this?"

"Found it in one of the offices on Feros. Thought you might use it."

"The chair was enough." She smiled again.

"Yes, but I noticed it wasn't high enough." He smiled down at her and flicked the tip of her nose gently. "You're such a tiny little thing."

"Are you flirting with me?" Shepard gazed around to make sure nobody was watching their interplay. "I thought you and Liara were…"

"When she bonded with me, she told me afterwards we can't be together." He smiled at her, his eyes gentle as he reached out to touch her face. "Liara said she could read my thoughts and that I needed to decide between her and you." He let his hand fall to his side. "I thought you and Alenko were…"

"Flirting with the possibility," she admitted. "Kaidan's a hottie; you have to admit, Cal."

He frowned. "Hotter than me? At least my eyebrows don't look like two black caterpillars."

"Cal!"

He rolled his eyes. "Sorry, but we were in love, Bastila! Yes, I _will_ call you that! I would've done anything for you! And then you fell for Luce."

She put her hands on her hips. "Luce had me under his spell."

"You couldn't resist him. At least Alenko is a step up. I see a man that will treat you right and love you." Cal put a hand over his heart. "But he can never match my love for you, Bas-mia!"

Shepard took him by the arm and steered him into the private sanctum of the Communications Room so they could not be overheard. "How dare you confront me like that in front of my crew?"

He bit his lower lip and began to pace, something he rarely did. "I get mixed signals from you, Bas-mia. Just be honest with me. Are you in love with Kaidan Alenko?"

"Are you in love with Liara T'Soni?" she challenged.

"I thought I was, but when she told me she read my thoughts and you were there in my head and my heart, then I knew I didn't love her. I love you."

_(Director: Cue music and Cal sings)_

_You know I can't deny the way I feel inside  
I won't be hiding my love  
You know I can't disguise you're always on my mind  
And now I can't get enough  
_  
"Kaidan is a decent, sweet, caring man and I think I could…" She sank into one of the chairs and buried her face in her hands. "Damn it, Cal, I still bloody love you."

(Cue music and, God help us, Bastila sings)

_Give me love, I know that you can  
I like the strength of a confident man  
It's in my blood and all through my veins  
You feel it once and you're never the same_

"What are we going to do about it?" He drew her into his arms and laid the kiss on her he had wanted to since he had first seen her on the Citadel.

Several moments later, they came up for air and found they were naked on the comm table and it had gone way beyond a kiss. They made love, pouring endearments into each other's ears, caressing, touching, and pleasing the other, and their memories intact from the times they had reached carnal bliss before on Tatooine and Kashyyyk, so that each knew exactly what the other wanted.

What neither had remembered to do was lock the door to the Communications Room.

_A/N Disclaimer: I own nothing Star Wars or Mass Effect or any of the songs. The chapters will be shorter since that is my answer to not having the time to spend on long chapters, but still keeping my promise to my readers not to give up on any of my stories. Enjoy! Who's going to catch Cal and Bas au naturelle??_


	23. Chapter 23

Chapter 23:

Water World

Cal brushed the hair out of her eyes. She was lying half underneath him and had fallen asleep in his arms after their vigorous encounter. He knew there was a ridiculous smile on his face as his breathing settled down and the sweat on his body cooled.

Shepard stirred uneasily and he wondered if she was having a bad dream. He gathered her against him, spooning her and was almost asleep when air from the door as it opened, stirred the hairs on his arms. Drowsily, he lifted his head and met a pair of startled green eyes.

"You, ah, wanted to see me, Commander?" Joker came into the room.

Shepard, caught in about the most compromised position an officer in the Alliance could be, sat up and his green eyes transferred from her face to her breasts. She crossed her arms over them and glared at Joker.

"What are you doing here?" she said crossly. "Who's flying the ship? It's not like we have an AI or something!"

Joker backed out of the room. "All right, okay, I must've gotten the message meant for somebody else, Commander."

"Joker, if you breathe a word of this…" She left her threat open.

"No way." Joker raised his omni-tool and took a holo of them and left.

"I can't believe I forgot to lock the door." Shepard was up, throwing Cal's clothes at him and trying to get dressed. The door was still not locked.

"You wanted to see me?" Wrex stood there. "So, that's what humans look like without their plates." He gave Cal a cursory glance. "Males really don't have the quads, do they?"

"Wrex, go!"

Wrex lumbered out just as Tali and Garrus came in. "You wanted to see us, Commander?" Tali spoke and then seemed to choke. "Keelah! I never knew the human body could be so…bare." She backed out the door. "I hope I don't catch anything," she added.

Garrus, because of his eye scope, could see every detail. "I'll just add this to my research in case, say, down the line, in two years, you might consider me as a candidate." The turian winked at Cal. "I'll interview you privately later and learn what she likes."

"Why do they keep coming in here?" Shepard yanked on her underwear and searched for her top.

"Ever heard of doing the deed in privacy in your quarters?" Swagger stood there now, arms crossed over his chest, eyes centered on Shepard's booty as she bent over to retrieve her top. "You wanted to see me?" His eyes flicked to Cal and he smirked. "Might wanna hurry up and get dressed, Cal. A line's forming."

Cal was not as mortified as Shepard, but he was getting close. After Swagger left, Liara came in and Cal didn't know what to say.

"I see I was right concerning you and Shepard." She shook a finger at Shepard who was only half-undressed now. "This blows any chance of there being a you and I."

"What is she talking about?" Shepard finally got her top on and was struggling to get her pants right side out.

Cal knew, because he'd read the Guide. "Asari are androidoxsomous. They don't care if you're male or female."

"I get what you mean even if you said it wrong. Help me with these bloody pants!"

She hopped on the table and he hurried over, still mostly naked, so that instead of it looking like he was helping her put on the pants, it looked just the opposite to Ashley Williams as she came in.

"You wanted to see me, Com… Ho─ly Tennyson! I thought you followed the non-fraternization rules of the Alliance."

Cal stepped back, holding Shepard's pants in front of him to hide his naughty bits. "I swear I _never_ fratted her."

Atton came in and snickered. "So you gave her the old slap and tickle, eh, Cal?"

Cal looked puzzled. "A certain amount of tickling might have been involved, but I never slapped her, Atton. What are you doing here? You're not even on her crew."

The pilot shrugged. "I got a message. Hey, I had to wait in line, although it was worth it just to see the looks on your faces."

"Line?" Shepard's expression turned to one of horror. "Is Kaidan out there?"

"Waiting like the rest of us."

Shepard told Atton to guard the door and not let anyone else in. When she tried to seal it, the mechanism seemed frozen.

Cal and Shepard got dressed as fast as they could, although she could not find one of her boots until Atton cleared his throat and pointed to where it was on top of the console. She struggled into the boot and heaved a relieved sigh.

Kaidan strode in. "You wanted to see me, Commander." He did not even blink when he saw Cal and Atton were present.

"I wanted to go over our plan of attack with each of you before we reach Virmire." Cal tuned out as she quickly made up some maneuvers to follow. Kaidan saluted and left the room.

"You didn't tell him." Cal stated the obvious.

Shepard swallowed and she avoided his gaze. "I will. I promise."

"You really should get it straightened out since you'll be making a very hard decision." Atton had read ahead in the Guide.

Cal's eyes widened. "Ix-nay on the uide-gay." He knew Shepard would not know Gamorean.

"Now who?" Shepard said nastily as the door opened, letting in Jaden and Carth.

Carth waved his hands apologetically, the two strands of hair moving like twin metronomes. They were hypnotic and Cal found himself watching them in fascination.

"I tried to stop her, I swear I did!" Carth turned to his giggling wife.

"It was you?!" Shepard launched herself at Jaden and the two went down on the deck, scratching, biting and pulling hair.

Joker had not gotten a response to his announcement that they were arriving at Virmire, so he appeared in the doorway and took more holos, chuckling to himself. "This day just gets better and better."

Jaden was on top of Shepard, her hands wound into her hair and was banging her head on the deck. "Can't you take a joke?"

Carth grabbed Jaden about the middle and Cal and Atton had to hold Shepard or the fight would have continued. Her face flushed, Shepard glared at Jaden and Carth. "What are you doing here? I thought you went back to KotOR."

"Luce is my brother and if he needs to be taken down, I want to be involved. Just because he's my twin doesn't mean I'd let him get away with taking over another galaxy." Jaden waved her hand and the fingernail scratches on her face and arms were healed.

"Sorry, Shepard, but Jaden has a point and I won't let her face her brother alone." Carth brushed the hair back from his forehead. "You can use our skills in battle."

"Fine." Shepard pointed a blood-stained finger at Jaden. "I swear if you call me Shepila or any of your other pet names for me, I'll make you wish you'd never been born."

"Sorry to interrupt the chick fight, Commander, but we'll need to set you and the crew of your choice down in the Mako."

"Why don't you have a shuttle?" Jaden asked. "That way it could drop you right at the salarian base instead of going miles out of our way in the Makos."

"We just…don't." Shepard hated it when Jaden was right—about anything. She brought out her omni-tool and included a message. _Note to self: Can we get rid of the bloody Mako in the next game?_

She called everyone back to the communications room for a meeting. "Kaidan, you'll be in charge of the Monster Mako since it holds more."

"I'd rather accompany you in the smaller, intimate one, ma'am."

"I vote Swagger be in charge of the big Mako," Wrex spoke up in the voice that sounded like a poor man's version of James Earl Jones or was it the guy in the _Mission Impossible_ movies with the deep voice? "All in favor?"

Saunter raised his hand. He was still peeved he had not been allowed to see anything in the comm room, but the writer decided since he was only sixteen, well, maybe seventeen by now, the rating for the story would have to be raised. HK was not interested in seeing carnal fleshiness of organics. You see one, you've seen them all.

"Statement: I have an idea, Shepard Commander. I have had Garrus attach a flashlight to the top of my head. I volunteer for reconnaissance to infiltrate the geth garrisons. They will not be able to tell the difference."

Everyone looked at the assassin droid and, sure enough, a big flashlight had been welded to the top of his head and he had a new paint job and quite resembled a geth now.

"Whatever." Shepard had never liked the droid when she was Bastila.

"Commander, I would like to come with you. Me and Williams and Alenko." Garrus' mandibles clicked in anticipation of the battle.

"Cal's coming with me." Swagger put an arm about the ex-Jedi's shoulders and squeezed the bicep perhaps a little stronger than was necessary. "Saunter and Atton are with you. Wrex, you're with me. As are Carth and Jaden."

"What about me?" Tali asked. "I know I hide out in the engineering room all the time and everybody runs away from me because I talk about my pilgrimage and the ship and I am totally boring, but you have to admit I look hot in this suit."

Swagger's eyes swept over the suit. "Okay, Babe. You can sit next to me." He lowered his voice so that only she could hear. "And maybe we can discuss how hot you'll look _out_ of that suit." He gave her an incorrigible wink.

Shepard nodded. There would be no pep talk from her. She was a go and get it done kind of woman. "You have your assignments. Into the Makos."

___________

Virmire was a beautiful place, full of oceans and slices of beaches and waterways rather than roads. It didn't stretch the imagination much to compare it to the planet Lehon in KotOr 1. Even if they had possessed a shuttle, it would not have helped them because the geth were present on the planet and had set up anti-aircraft guns that would have torn a shuttle apart, so the Makos were the only way to reach the salarian STG camp.

Cal was a little disconcerted to find out that the minute they landed he was in the middle of a stream instead of inside the Mako. But he was not alone—everyone was standing in the water. Shepard contacted Joker who was to keep the _Normandy _out of reach of the guns until they could find the garrisons and take them out.

Once they were back inside the Mako, Cal looked at the HUD and was shocked to see dozens of red blips on the scope. He opened the door and hopped out and gazed at his personal HUD and saw nothing. He got back inside and they had returned.

"I think we should go on foot."

Swagger controlled an eye roll. "Can't believe I'm asking, but why do you think that, Cal?"

"Because if we walk we won't run into all those blips that are the bad guys. I figure they can only see us if we're in the Mako and we could probably sneak past."

"We take the Mako. End of discussion." Swagger started the large vehicle forward, followed by the smaller one.

"Well, at least this is a tropical climate," Tali commented, squirming when Swagger's hand on the gear shift, fell on her knee for a moment. "I hope you have had your nails trimmed, Swagger, since I do not want my suit breached and inhale any toxic human germs."

"Babe, I'm huma_noid_, half Echani, half Mandalorian."

"Your species does not have germs that I would not be immune to?" Tali stopped him from removing his hand and slid it up to her thigh.

Swagger cut his dark eyes to her screened face. "All I can tell ya is I'd make it worth your while."

"But I could die from infection!" Tali's helmet screen was heating up from her panting so the white sparks that defined her eyes disappeared behind a film of mist.

Swagger gave her thigh a little squeeze and then lifted his hand back to the steering wheel. "Brace for jump!"

As the Mako rose sharply into the air, a whoosh of intense white energy passed beneath the undercarriage. The vehicle came down hard and skewed, finding no traction in the water that came half way up the tires.

"It's one of those armed thingies, but this one looks like it's on steroids!" Cal ducked as if that would prevent the energy splashes from hitting the Mako. "They're all shooting at our Mako. Why is that?"

"Maybe geth are like you, Cal—not too bright." Swagger's quip elicited titters of laughter from the others.

"Some of them are." Cal pointed. "Look at that big one that's flying right at us. He's bright red. And the white ones are…"

In unison, everyone said, "Shut up!"

_______________

HK in his geth guise, made his way through the geth ranks without any difficulty. His programming was as an assassination droid, but he was forming a connection with the WE-ness of the geth he encountered and was finding his programming was being altered.

Geth hunters, geth ghosts, geth Primes, all welcomed him as part of "them". HK was having difficulty correlating the data from KotOR and the geth. So, when he found he was sitting on the ground in a circle with the other geth, rocking, waving their arms above their heads, shining their lights on the ceiling and singing a We-ness song, it felt right somehow.

(Cue music)

We are the geth  
The quarian's children  
The Reapers will make a brighter day  
So let's start killing  
There's a choice we're making  
We're taking organic lives  
It's true we'll make a better day  
Just you and We.

_A/N And NO I do not own anything Bioware! Nor do I own the original lyrics to "We are the World"._

4


	24. Chapter 24

Chapter 24:

It's Fun to be in the STG

Yes, I'm stuck in the Mako with you,

And I'm wondering, Kaidan, what I should do,  
It's so hard to keep this smile from my face,  
Cal made me lose control, yeah, I'm all over the place,  
Geth to the left of me, Joker's flying high,  
Here I am, stuck in the Mako with you.

Shepard was annoyed beyond measure because she and her crew seemed determined to break into song at any given moment, even the taciturn Swagger Vasa had given in to the Glee glitch.

They had discovered HK had defected to the geth! What else could she expect from a psychotic assassin droid? She found she could not focus on the mission as she remembered Cal's warm lips caress hers and his hands moving over her body.

"Shepard, uh, are you all right? You, um…look flushed."

Shepard cut her eyes to the right and met Kaidan's concerned look. "I'm fine. It's a little warm in here, don't you think?"

Finally, they made it to the salarian base camp and met Captain Kirrahe. That's when everything went to hell. Captain K told them Saren had a base and a krogan breeding ground and had discovered a cure for the genophage. Shepard was horrified at the idea of a hoard of krogan running around under Saren's command, but Wrex, being a krogan, thought it was a good idea and got really angry. He thundered down the beach and started shooting fish in the water.

This upset Cal so much you would have thought he was a fish and game warden. "Shepard, you have to do something!"

_Why me_, she thought dismally. _What do I care if a few fish die?_

She turned to regard the upset Jedi. "Cal, Wrex and I never bonded and I don't think I have enough influence with him to, well, influence him. Let him shoot a few fish."

Cal searched the group. Kaidan and Ashley pointedly stared at some fascinating pebbles on the beach. Saunter, Garrus, Carth, Jaden, Tali and Liara formed a whistling brigade and would not meet her gaze. Only a pair of dark eyes met hers fairly. Swagger rubbed the back of his head, considering her unspoken plea and then nodded.

Pandemonium broke out as the STG (Special Tasks Group) ranks moved aside to allow another salarian to come and get in Shepard's face. When he spoke, he sounded like he'd had several Red Bulls.

"Mordin Solus. Doctor. Perpertrator of genophage team My work, My team. Scientist, geneticist, professor and former member of Special Tasks Group." He pointed one of his three fingers at Shepard. "Your command?" He wheezed a little and Cal wondered if he suffered from allergies. "Cure must be destroyed! Will accompany you. Make sure it's done."

"We're after Saren."

"Me, too." Mordin was so affable it was hard not to like him, even when the music cued and he began to sing.

_Call me consequentialist_

_Call me analytical_

_Call me ultra critical, too._

_Call me a perfectionist_

_Well, Shepard, I think you get the gist…_

Shepard nodded. "Just do me a favor and don't tell Wrex you're one of the salarians that engineered the genophage."

"Actually, I did it twice. But enough about me. Captain Kirrahe is ready to give one of his rousing speeches." When salarians smiled, their whole face seemed to turn upside down. Mordin's skin was pale marked with reddish brown and a scar that X'd across his left cheek. Other scars were visible on his face and neck as well. So, he might talk like he'd inhaled a balloon full of helium, but his visage told another story.

Garrus leaned in to make a comment. "There's more to the good doctor than meets the eye, Commander."

All the talking had distracted Shepard and she realized she'd lost sight of Wrex. She gazed down the beach and saw the huge krogan waving his arms about as he roared something at Swagger.

"Commander, should I provide back-up?" Ashley lovingly cradled her assault rifle.

"That means kill Wrex!" No moss grew on Alenko that was for sure. "He's part of our crew."

"Could sneak up behind him and trank him." Mordin's bright eyes twinkled.

"No, then he'd be like B. A. from the A-Team. Eventually he'll wake up and then you'd be in trouble." Cal had all Earth trivia stuffed in his head since he'd joined the game and he made references to things he really did not understand, but that was pretty much Cal in any situation.

Shepard watched Wrex's body language and knew the moment Swagger talked him down from his rage. She jogged down the beach to confront them.

"Shepard." Wrex sounded calm and gruff at the same time. "Swagger just reminded me you got my family armor and that counts more than a cure for the genophage for my people, plus they're just slaves for Saren."

Shepard smiled at Vasa, who acknowledged it with a terse nod. "Thank you," she told him after Wrex left to join the others.

"You should spend a little more time getting to know the people under your command rather than sneaking off with your boyfriend all the time."

The moment was ruined for her, but his smirk told her Swagger had enjoyed their encounter. "I…"

Swagger raised his hands and did a roll-call on his fingers. "Also might wanna learn how many are in your group so you don't leave anybody behind." Point made, he swaggered back down the beach into the tent where Captain Rentola sold weapons and armor.

Shepard gestured Cal over and whispered, "Who am I missing?"

"Me?" He smiled.

"No, I mean physically missing?"

"Uh…me?"

Shepard wondered how else she could put it. "Is everyone in our team here?"

Since they were alone, this only confused Cal even more, if possible. "Well, I see Kaidan and Ash over in the same spot they've been since we left the Mako. Tali's inside one of the tents. Wrex went inside one of the tents and is coming out with…" Cal squinted. "Can't make it out. Looks like a bag full of water."

"Liara?"

"No, looks like a bag full of water."

Shepard resisted the urge to punch him. "I mean, where is Liara?"

"In another tent."

"Saunter?"

"He followed Swagger inside Rentola's tent." Cal knew she was forgetting Carth and Jaden, especially the latter, but he had sent them to help Captain Kirrahe's troops.

"As entertaining as this is," Swagger said, coming up to them, his new shotgun held at the ready. "I don't see Atton."

"Atton!" Shepard quickly checked her HUD and tracked down all the blue dots until only one was left. It was inside the large orange blob.

Cal opened the Mako's passenger door and Atton was zonked out, snoring lustily. "Since we have Mordin, I suggest we let him sleep."

Shepard shrugged. "Why not? I have so many people to keep track of, what's one less?"

Cal leaned close to Atton's ear.

Atton drawled, "Somethin' up?"

"Take Swagger and Liara. Remember what we discussed. The outcome?"

Atton slitted an eye open. "I remember."

"Continue to look like you're asleep until we leave."

"You got it!" Atton wasn't about to admit he had been asleep.

"I'm depending on you, buddy." Cal backed away from the door.

"I won't let you down." He held up his pinky and they swore at it.

_It's fun to be in the S T-eee-G_

_It's fun to be in the S T-ee-G-ee_

_We will hold the line_

_Like the Ever Alert_

_Saren will get his just dessert._

Blah..blah..blah, hold the line. Shepard pinched the bridge of her nose as Captain K went through all the STG forces that had come before his, rallying his troops.

Cal almost made her laugh when he told her, "At least he doesn't have the option to say 'Don't get yourself killed' like me before I got my Force bondo."

Shepard was starting to think how bad this battle could go, when Captain K dropped the bombshell. "I will need one of your people to go with mine."

She knew she should've remembered Atton! Of course Kaidan and Ash volunteered. Doing eenie meenie mynie mo behind her back, Shepard sent Ashley with them.

"I would appreciate any help undermining the geth." Captain K's face reversed gravity as he smiled. It was disconcerting. Of course, he did not tell her what needed to be done, so she turned to Cal who had his Guide.

After facing off with a few rocket drones, they made it to the first geth station and disrupted geth communications. This took place after killing a gazillion geth of course. The triangulation tower was shut down at the control panel located at the top of the station.

Tali reported in. She, Wrex and Garrus had been sent ahead on another route and had reached the second geth station. "Tali, to Shepard. Wrex just sneezed and took out the satellite dish, Commander. Shall we wait for you here or go on?"

"Any trouble with the drones?"

"No, but we are getting closer to the breeding facility. We had to fight some krogan."

Cal tapped his ear so he could talk over his hardsuit's radio. "Tali, when you hear Ash say something about geth flyers have them bunkered down, go right and take out the re-fueling platforms first."

Shepard added, "We'll be there by then. It looks like it's a long distance on the map, but, really, it's only a few steps."

"Tali out."

Shepard was counting on her fingers and coming up with a short number. "Where are Swagger and Liara?"

"He said something about scouting the area."

"He should have told _me_."

There were some loud explosions and they hurried across the sand to a curving walkway that led them up to rendezvous with the other squad. Garrus had found a sniping position and was taking out krogan and geth with well-placed shots. There were a few krogan wandering around, mainly presenting themselves for target practice.

Captain K's voice crackled over the radio. "Looks like Shadow team is coming through for us. Hold the line!"

Decisions…decisions… Shepard tapped her chin as she stared at the control board. "Tali, should I disable the alarms which means more fighting for us or should I trigger alarms on the other side of the base?"

"If you do that, Kirrahe will die and a lot more of his STG soldiers." Cal gave Shepard a shame-on-you look.

Shepard frowned. "Since we're supposed to be three, I think I'll send Tali, Garrus and Wrex over to help out Kirrahe."

Wrex growled. Was that fish on his breath? "You'll need a krogan to fight krogan."

"Point taken. Okay, Mordin, would you lead a squad over to Captain K's men? They sound like they need the help."

"Must decline. Must make sure genophage cure data does not survive."

"Who _is_ this guy?" Wrex turned an unfriendly eye on the salarian professor.

Garrus sighed. Was he the only one who followed Shepard's orders? "Tali and I will go."

Shepard craned her neck around, not seeing what she was after. "Where the hell is Alenko?"

"He's with Swagger and Liara."

"Again, without my consent. Has anybody ever heard of court martial?" Shepard clenched her fists at her sides.

"Entry through here." Mordin guided them through the complex and Shepard had the sneaking suspicion that he had been there before since he did not need a map for directions. They found some prisoners, all members of the STG.

"Indoctrinated. Best to kill them." Mordin shot one of them and watched him fall. The end justified the means when it came to him.

"Hey!" Shepard got in his face. "**I** am in charge here, Dr. You do what **I** say."

"Open the door and find out consequences if you insist, Shepard."

Soon, they were killing all the indoctrinated soldiers while doing their best not to be overwhelmed. Mordin wiped his head where part of his horn was missing. "Hate to say 'I told you so'."

Mordin proved to be a very competent fighter as they battled their way through the facility. Instead of using cryo rounds, he could turn enemies into ice statues or with a touch on his omni-tool could fry them into incinerated ash.

There was a main lab with all sorts of morbid experiments going on. They had to kill husks and the krogan scientist running the operation. Mordin copied the data into his omni-tool and wiped the original. Luckily, Wrex was not paying attention. He kept turning away and ducking his head and the distinct odor of fish permeated the place.

"He's got his own sushi bar under there," Cal told Shepard covertly.

"Done." Mordin straightened from his task.

An asari, Rana Thanoptis, who had been involved in the krogan breeding experiments, came out from under her desk and begged Shepard to spare her life.

"Sure. Start running."

Rana looked puzzled. " Why should I start running?"

"Because I'm going to deploy a big effin' bomb that will take out this place and anyone near it for a thirty mile radius." Shepard skinned her lips back from her teeth in an evil smile.

"But I'll never make it!" Rana dashed toward the door and was felled by a shot from Mordin.

"What the hell are you doing?" Shepard was beside herself and she knew she wasn't twins.

"Too many variables. Letting her live leaves loose ends. Chose her path. Consequences of her actions."

"All right, already!"

Cal gently patted her on the shoulder and it calmed her. "Cal, I guess we'd better go through that door."

"Rana got killed before she could open it for us."

"**I. Am. Krogan!"** Wrex ran full force into the door and smashed through it.

Of course, Cal had assisted with a Force push, but he wasn't about to ruin the krogan's day by telling him that.

"Fascinating." Mordin looked like he wanted to put Cal under a microscope. He scanned Cal with his omni-tool. "No biotic implants. No abnormalities. Where does the power generate?"

"The Force," Cal told him.

"Need more data. More study."

Shepard snapped her fingers in front of the professor's face. "Focus on the fight."

"Talk later?" Mordin unwillingly switched his center of attention.

One thing Atton Rand had learned since he had taken up with the Exile, was keeping a promise to the ex-Jedi usually proved to be more difficult than expected. This mission was no different. He, Swagger and Liara helped stamp out the geth, allowing Captain K's men a clear path.

"Swagger, would you see to it they get back to the camp? And have Joker get them all inside the _Normandy_."

The bounty hunter did not reply, but he gestured to the troops and they followed him without question. Liara's blue, blue eyes met Atton's brandy brown. "I could help. I don't have the Force, but I do have powerful biotics."

Atton shook his head. "I'll be safe. I'll wear my stealth belt, Angel."

She blushed deep purple. "Do you really think I'm an angel?"

"Uh…sure. I mean, if you don't count those wriggly things on the back of your head, sure."

She kissed his cheek. "Be careful."

A heady feeling surged through him. Asari pheromones were a powerful aphrodisiac although anything cute and feminine would meet his standards.

He switched on his stealth generator and disappeared. He would be waiting for Cal just as they planned.

_Where have all the geth gone?_

_Oh, we shot them, every one!_

_When will they ever learn?_

_When will they ever learn?_

Shepard put her hands over her ears. Mordin and Cal stopped singing. They were getting along quite well since the salarian revealed his penchant for music. Wrex was still acting strange and reeked of fish.

They watched as the huge heavy door rolled up and the cut scene of the _Normandy_ and soldiers placing the bomb appeared and when they were free to move, Shepard led them to the door to access the elevator. Nothing being easy, they had more geth and krogan to fight and as they followed the ascending curves of the catwalks toward the AA towers, even more.

During the last fight before they got to the elevator, Cal dashed ahead, activating his stealth belt. He knew Mordin, Wrex and Shepard could handle the battle and he had something he had to do. He raced up to the top of the edifice. The others showed up shortly and Kaidan called Shepard, letting her know a geth dropship was coming in and he had armed the bomb to make sure it went off.

"Commander, leave me and rescue Ashley." Kaidan sounded like such a hero and Cal knew he was giving his life to save Gunnery Chief Williams, but the decision was up to Shepard who was very conflicted. Save Ash—Kaidan dies. Save Kaidan—Ash dies.

"Kaidan, I'm sorry. I don't think I can make it back in time."

"I understand, Shepard. Wish things could've been different."

Just then, the geth dropship appeared and Cal directed Force lightning, destroying it so it could not deploy more geth. Cal deactivated his stealth belt and gestured for Shepard to go get Kaidan.

He knew he was forgetting something he had read in the Guide—something important, but he wanted to make sure both Kaidan and Ash survived.

Joker answered her call. "Path is clear, Commander. Looks like Kaidan's just standing around shooting the breeze."

"How does he see it to shoot it?" Cal asked, scratching his head.

"Pick him up. Bomb's been armed. We need to get out of here."

"Uh, there's a problem, Commander. I'm way up here and he's way down there and Saren must've borrowed the glider from the Green Goblin because he's headed right for the bomb site."

"Sovereign!" Cal shouted as he finally recalled what he had forgotten. "Shepard, you have to go back and get into the cut scene while we go down and get into another cut scene with Saren."

"What?"

He explained about Sovereign, which was the name of the Reaper and another Prothean beacon she must interact with. "Hurry!"

Shepard cursed at her addled boyfriend all the way back to the upper walkway. "This he couldn't remember?" she fumed as she interacted with the Prothean beacon and received a killer migraine then she had to listen to a huge holo of what appeared to be an over-sized prawn or maybe a squid.

"Blah, blah, blah," Sovereign said, putting down all organics, doing what most supervillains do in a story, which is to tell the protagonist their diabolical plans. His plan was a doozy. Wipe out all organics!

Finally, Sovereign realized it was not talking to Saren. Duh. It bragged a little more about its godhood, or was it just hood since it was basically a machine?

Shepard waited until it disappeared and she received a warning from Joker, that not only was the timer running out on the bomb, but Sovereign was making its way toward her location. Time to leave!

She caught up with Cal and became part of the cut scene. Saren floated above her then alighted from his version of the Green Goblin's glider and she shot him three times in the chest but his shields held. He blah-blahed about how he was worried about indoctrination and she countered with telling him his free will had already been taken from him. They argued until Saren decided he'd had enough and then the fight began.

Cal used Force lightning to blow up the fuel tanks, but Saren was unharmed, even though he was smoking when he came through the conflagration. Their shots whittled his health down and when he had a quarter left, he jumped off his bat-shaped rocket glider and grabbed Shepard by the throat, dragging her to the edge of the parapet. She struck him and he jumped back on his glider, floating above her. Probably one more shot would have killed him, but the cut scene she was in did not allow her to shoot.

Joker brought the _Normandy_ down, hovering above them as the ramp lowered and all of them ran up into the bowels of the ship.

"C'mon, Mister!" Shepard urged the pilot. "We need to get out of here!"

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything Star Wars or Mass Effect. Cal has been on a long hiatus called writer's block, so, sorry this took so long!**

10


	25. Chapter 25

Chapter 25:

The End is Here

During the debriefing in the Communications Room, Kaidan and Ashley kept looking at each other, then at Shepard. Ashley was a little disappointed to still be alive, because she had thought she could die a hero and wipe out the prejudice generated when her grandfather, General Williams, surrendered the garrison at Shanxi. As a result, her father had never risen above serviceman third class, something she was very bitter about.

Ash had thought she would be the one to break the curse, but it was not to be. Kaidan sat next to her and reached out and patted her hand. He knew what it was like to be ostracized. L2 biotics were considered unstable at best.

Shepard wound up her report and Liara told her they should do the bond thing again since she had interacted with another Prothean beacon. Shepard dismissed everyone but Cal and Liara. The three held hands and Liara looked deeply into their eyes, her own eyes becoming black pools that drew them in. They all shared the vision they had seen before; but things had been added, as if whoever had drawn with the waxy crayons changed to a holo and sharpened the pixels and the distance seemed closer so more details could be detected.

"Anything new?" Shepard rubbed her temples.

Cal waved a hand, sending Force healing to her to take away the headache.

Liara sat down wearily. Using her telepathy always wore her out. "Ilos!" She jumped up and went to the console and punched up a star map. "In my studies I heard of it. It is like your ancient Troy―Ilos is only known through second-hand sources. References to it have been found at several other Prothean ruins, like the one on Therum."

"So how do we get to Ilos?"

Liara was really wound up now. She paced and her face was alight with excitement. "Now I understand what my mother needed from Noveria and the message recording HK was sent!" Liara punched in different coordinates and the map altered. "It is impossible to get to Ilos using conventional FTL drive. Without the Mu Relay the journey could take years or decades, passing through the hostile Terminus Systems and dozens of unexplored systems."

Shepard and Cal exchanged disbelieving looks. "You mean we have everything we need? The location of the Conduit is Ilos?" Shepard queried.

"Yes." Liara followed them as they hurried to the cockpit to tell Joker to set a course for the Mu Relay.

"Ilos?" Joker scratched behind his ear, knocking his cap askew. "Are you sure, Commander? I was just about to let you know the Council sent word they are ready to send in their fleet."

Shepard made a fist and banged her knuckles against Cal's. "They're finally taking us seriously! Head for the Citadel, Joker. I'll let them know the odds we face so they'll be prepared."

Cal shook his head and took her aside. "Not a good idea," he told her quietly so nobody else could hear. "The Guide says the _Normandy_ will be put in lock-down and the Council doesn't believe you about the Reapers."

"You've got to be kidding me!" Shepard ran her fingers through her hair, grey eyes flashing in annoyance.

"Oh, and, Commander, our prisoner says he's ready to talk," Joker offered over his shoulder as he punched in a course for the Citadel.

"Belay that Citadel order, Joker, until I've talked to him."

Skippy had been incarcerated since Feros, and at the moment he was receiving a vision from his master telling him he had to make sure Shepard returned to the Citadel. He smiled nervously at the commander. "I know who the Shadow Broker is and he's in the big middle of this."

"Let me guess," Shepard said coolly. "Tall, muscular, long midnight hair, pale blue eyes?"

"Uh…I wouldn't know what he looks like. He wore armor the only time I met him. I'll tell you his name and where you can find him, if you promise me I'll be returned to my galaxy and released."

"Our mission is too important for us to be side-tracked." Without another word, Shepard turned and left the brig. (I know they don't show one, but they have to have somewhere to put bad guys, right?)

"_You have failed me_."

Skippy sank to his hands and knees and began to cry, more frightened than he'd ever been in his life.

"Joker, patch me through to the Council," Shepard told the pilot as she entered the Comm Room.

The three exalted ones appeared in holo, and when she told them what was at stake, they ordered her to return to the Citadel ASAP. Shepard held up a hand and told them to pick a finger and rotate.

"I'll alert you when we break through the Mu Relay, Commander."

Cal took Shepard's hand and led her to her quarters. Swagger found Tali in the engine room and they discovered what was under her suit together. Kaidan and Ash (who had secretly had the hots for him all this time) spent some quality time together. Atton and Liara mated physically and telepathically, although he kept telling her to get out of his head. Wrex broke down his weapons and worked himself into a krogan bloodlust. Jaden and Carth worked on another baby. Garrus dwelled on all the red tape at C-Sec. Saunter practiced throwing his dagger like Vasa. And Joker spied on everyone on the ship.

The trip seemed to take forever in some ways and seconds in others. Cal awoke with Shepard in his arms. He slid his arm out from under her, rose and went to her desk and studied the Guide. They would need to navigate Ilos with all possible speed. He was very troubled as he read about the odds they would face. He knew Shepard would not want to take him with her. She had already told him he had his own destiny, and he knew he had to survive so he could finally fight Kreia and her minions. But that was impossible to dwell on as he leaned back in the chair and turned it around so he could watch Shepard sleep.

He had loved her for so long and the end was near. She had no knowledge of what she faced, but he had bought a Guide for ME2 and knew what would happen to her in the first few minutes of the beginning of the game. Somehow he had to prevent it, but he had no ideas.

Shepard opened her eyes and met Cal's soft browns and her heart melted. How had it come to this? Facing impossible odds against an unbeatable foe—the lives of all organics hanging in the balance? How could she convince him to stay on the ship?

"That was incredible." She stretched like a cat and he smiled at her. "Cal, I want you to take over in my absence. You were Revan's general and I trust you with the lives of my crew and the well-being of my ship." She got out of bed and put a finger to his lips. "Please do this for me."

"I…" His brows furrowed and he looked away from her a moment as he crossed his fingers behind his back. "Okay, if it means that much to you."

Joker's voice rebounded in the dark, quiet of her quarters. "Commander, hate to interrupt, but we have a problem. We just broke through the Mu Relay and there's a whoooole geth fleet orbiting Ilos."

"Can't anything be easy?' She sighed, turned her back on Cal and they dressed in silence. "Joker, I'll be right there. Tell Navigator Pressly we'll need a close point of entry."

"There is nowhere closer!" Pressly was announcing, his voice tight, barely under control as Shepard entered the cockpit just under a minute later.

"I can set us down within 20 kilometers of the ruin." Joker's tone was confident.

"Drop us in the Mako!" Shepard made her decision. "Tell Wrex and Garrus to meet me in the garage."

"Aye-aye, Commander."

Shepard would not even raise her eyes to meet Cal's woeful expression. He hurried after her. "You could take the mondo Mako," he suggested. "There would be room for two more."

She shook her head. "This is how it's supposed to be, Cal. Me here and you returning to your galaxy."

"Bas-mia." He gulped and tears swam in his eyes—it felt like the backstroke. "I love you."

She softened a moment and then her resolve firmed and she motioned for Wrex and Garrus to climb into the Mako M38. "See you on the other side, Joker. I'm giving Cal control. Your goal is to reach the Citadel. By then, the Council won't have any choice but to listen, because they'll see it first hand."

Joker dropped the Mako just as Saren and geth troops passed through the door into the inner tunnels of Ilos. The door they had just sped past shut with a thunderous thud and they were set on by geth soldiers. Shepard stayed in the Mako, picking off as many as she could with the cannon, but then they had to get out and face the rest of the ground soldiers.

Two armature Colossuses—she wondered if Cal would call them Collossi—guarded the Lower Ruins. Shepard did not have much time to sightsee, but what she saw of Ilos was a wreck of what must have once been a beautiful world dotted with statues, spires and arches and magnificent cities. She knew what had devastated it—the Reapers. They had turned a verdant world into a landscape of rust and overgrown trees that writhed like giant serpents, twisted as if the earth was scorched with pain, and a graveyard full of statues honoring a once great civilization.

Shepard and her team were too busy fighting to stay alive to notice the scenery. Using her HUD, she led Garrus and Wrex up and down winding paths. All the lost beauty was blended together by the desolation; it was a landscape of ruin and death. She tried not to think of what could be happening at the Citadel. Had Saren already arrived? Had the Reapers attacked? What was Cal doing?

It was kill or be killed and she used her Force biotics as well as her battle skills until she was so weary she could barely lift her weapon. It seemed as if the geth would never stop coming, and then as the last one fell, an eerie quiet infused the place. Shepard's party raced up another path to the security panel that would open the door and allow them to follow Saren. When Shepard hit the panel, it turned on an old VI holo. Shepard could recognize some of the words because of her interaction with the beacons and the cipher from the Thorian, but it was so damaged she could not learn anything about the Conduit.

They rushed back to the Mako. Cal had warned her about the upcoming opposition and Shepard kept the pedal to the metal, mowing down the few geth that had been left behind in the root-infested archives. Garrus turned his head to stare at the massive tunnel. "Are those stasis pods?"

Shepard spared a glance from her driving to look at the pods jutting out from the walls. "It must be the way the Protheans tried to keep themselves alive during the Reapers' assault."

"BIG thing at the top of that hill! It's a trap!"

What Shepard saw was a benevolent, if disturbingly large, face and she slewed the Mako to a stop. "It's a barrier, but I don't think it's geth."

They exited the Mako and took the elevator that beckoned them to its black maw with a gleaming, glowing red strip. It opened on a small, quiet chamber with a long walkway. Something large, golden and orange flickered at the end and identified itself when Shepard stopped to examine it.

"I am Vigil. I am the Prothean VI interface. You are not like the one who came before. I sense no taint of indoctrination upon you. There may still be hope."

Vigil was the one who had erected the barrier so she had to make the detour so it could speak with her and tell her the history of the Protheans and what had happened.

"What was all that Commander?" Wrex hadn't been paying much attention.

"Okay." Shepard filled him in. "To make a long, boring story short, it turns out the Citadel is a devious trap placed by the Reapers. Its entire design is to ensure the destruction of every organic species that rises to power in the galaxy. The station is a giant mass relay—one that links to dark space where the Reapers live and wait. When the Conduit is used to activate the Citadel relay, the Reapers' doorway will open and they will exterminate all living societies as they did the Protheans 50,000 years ago."

"That's that thing in the lake!" Wrex exclaimed. "It's not a statue!"

"The main quest will be for us to stop Saren from activating the control, which is located inside the Council Tower." Garrus had already caught on to the plan.

Shepard continued, "The doomsday signal will be received by the keepers, who are innocent, only doing their jobs. They have been indoctrinated to the Reapers' will. The Prothean scientists who survived the invasion, if only briefly, used the Conduit to travel to the Citadel and succeeded in finding a way to alter the signal. It was as simple as scrambling it, and the keepers ignored it, so the Reapers have been trapped in dark space all this time. Sovereign's goal was to correct what went wrong."

Shepard waved a hand in front of the corrupted VI and transferred the data to her omni-tool. "We have to go! I can't wait to hear any more."

"Yes, well, I hope you can stop the vicious cycle of galactic extermination. This VI will self-corrupt in 5…4…3…2…1."

"So do I," she vowed quietly as she led her stunned team back to the Mako.

We won't go through all the battles—seen one inside this complex, seen them all. What mattered was that time was running out. Shepard stomped on the accelerator as the Mako made the trench run and they glimpsed the Conduit for the first time, a smaller version of the mass relays that linked vast stretches of space together. What had brought them together would be used to destroy them.

"Not if I can help it," she muttered.

"Armatures!" Garrus twisted in his seat, gazing fearfully out the window. "And there seems to be a timer. We have thirty seconds to make it past them and up the ramp or we get a mission failed."

It was the worst spot of driving Shepard ever faced—armatures firing at them, geth shooting at them, rockets blasting them—and she had no time to engage. She had to keep the Mako moving. The damn thing kept skewing left and right, and it felt as if the over-sized tires were mired in tar. They barely made it through the Conduit in time.

"Brace for landing!" she shouted as she tightened the crash webbing around her body and jammed on her helmet.

In the lake on the Presidium where the tribute to the mass relay stood, the statue suddenly came to life and began to spin. A second later the Mako shot out of it as if ejected from a twenty ton cannon. It landed on several geth that were standing there minding their own business, sticking humans and other organics on the dragon's teeth of indoctrination that turned them into husks. The Mako hopped, landed again, skidded sideways and slammed into the walkway, tires popping from the stress, and then it flipped over. After a few moments, Shepard crawled out. It was not a landing she had expected to walk away from considering the velocity they had been traveling. A Mako is tough but not equipped to travel at FTL speed. The vehicle was a total wreck. She was grateful she would never have to drive it again.

As they made their way across destruction, Shepard recalled what Cal had told her. Following his instructions, they took the elevator to the presidium. Cal had warned her she would not reach her destination because Saren would deactivate the elevator. She used her gun to blow out the glass, switched on the magnets in her boots and the air on in her suit and stepped out onto the maintenance shaft.

"Which way, Shepard?" Garrus' mandibles flapped in agitation. "I can't believe we made it in one piece," he added, staring at Shepard with admiration.

"If anyone could, Shepard could." Wrex seemed utterly dour instead of looking forward to more battles. He would not look Shepard in the eye and she wondered what was going on, but before she could ask another elevator came barreling past and disgorged a detachment of geth troopers and rocket troopers. The time to talk was past.

They took cover in the low alcoves to the right. The geth were as determined to prevent them from reaching the Council Tower as they were to complete their mission. They took on more geth as they reached a steep rise. There were more of the krogan Saren had created on Virmire with them. They cut the synthetics and the rogue krogan down without mercy.

The exhaust plain was well named, because Shepard and her team were exhausted by the time they reached it. "We have to avoid the turrets when we come to the next part," Shepard warned them. "Cal told me about a short-cut."

At that moment a dropship appeared. None of them had enough electronics to turn more than the two freebie turrets on the ship as they fought wave after wave of geth.

"Quick!" Shepard gestured toward a long trench. "Krogan!" She unleashed a combination of Force whirlwind and singularity and they were able to pick off the enemy easily. She jerked her head for them to follow her. "We're going to skip the main fight here and take the eastern side tunnel. We'll have to fight a lot of krogan."

"Why not head across there?" Wrex pointed forward.

"Because the geth have control of the turrets and we are running out of time!"

Grumbling, Wrex followed, but he hung back and his attitude concerned Shepard. This fight was the worst so far, especially since Wrex seemed to have forgotten about his abilities of carnage, etc. It was up to Garrus to watch Shepard's back. The turian was furious with the krogan by the time they reached the hatch at the far southeast corner and used it to arrive at the tower's apex at long last.

Shepard imagined this was how Ilos had once looked—fires, annihilation, broken bodies of the few that had tried to defend the tower. The Council would have been evacuated to the _Destiny Ascension_. She directed Garrus to help her secure one side of the area so they could utilize cover while shooting the geth opposite them.

Wrex kept mumbling and Shepard wondered if the krogan was suffering from battle fatigue or stress because he did not seem like himself. She depended entirely on Garrus. Finally, they were able to access the far north end of the tower and found Saren there, transferring control of the Citadel to Sovereign.

Shepard switched from cryo to incinerator rounds and rushed Saren, but he was aware of her presence and tossed a grenade at them, forcing them to dive for cover. He hopped on his glider, but did not seem inclined to attack. He wanted to talk. Basically, it was like all bad guys who want to gloat and brag about what they've done and outline what they're going to do next.

"You let Sovereign implant you?" Shepard could not believe what she was hearing.

"He knew I was having doubts after we talked on Virmire, so he implanted me to strengthen my resolve. You…could be useful to him, Shepard."

"Be a mindless slave? No thanks!" Shepard realized where she had chosen to hide and knew it was the worst possible place. Only a very thin railing stood between her and death.

"It is the only way. By doing this I am saving more lives than you can imagine."

"Yeah, and then you can stand on street corners and sell flowers. Don't you see? He's already enslaved you! You have no free will left."

After a moment, Saren seemed to get it. "I…see the error of my ways. Thank you, Shepard." He raised his pistol to his head and pulled the trigger. Blue blood shot out the side of his head and he fell off his glider and onto the glass that covered the garden beneath. His body crashed through it.

Shepard activated Vigil's data file into the control panel. This gave her complete control over all Citadel Systems and she opened communications with the galactic fleet.

"Commander, is that you?" Joker's voice boomed, breaking the silence. "I'm here with the armada. The _Destiny Ascension _is in deep ca-ca and the Council is on board. What we need to know is, do we save their asses and you do remember how many times they would not stand up for you and let you down and…?"

"Save the Council, Joker. This war is not just about humanity and maybe we can show them once and for all what we're made of."

"Admiral Hackett agrees. Dammit! Uh, sorry."

"We'll jump in and attack the geth warships," Hackett announced over the comm.

"Check and see if he's dead," Shepard told her team, watching them go to the lower level where Saren had fallen.

Garrus put a couple rounds into the turian's head and looked up at Shepard. "He's dead."

_Finally_ something was going right! Wrong! There was something like a quake that caused Shepard to fall down to where the rest of her team stood on the grass. Then suddenly the whole tower began to shake and Saren's corpse began doing some really interesting things, like an impression of the Terminator as his skin peeled off showing a horrific synthetic endoskeleton. His glowing red eyes bored into Shepard, and he hopped about like a huge toad.

Shepard had not listened to Cal's input for the final battle. If she had taken Kaidan and Liara, all three could have used _lift_ and the fight between the enhanced Sovereign/Saren would have resulted in an easy win. But no-oooo, she brought a krogan who had stopped fighting, and no matter how good Garrus was, he did not have enough biotics to help much. She had to draw on her Force powers. Only their shields and taking cover behind a large section of wall saved them from Sovereign/Saren's wrath. At first…

Shepard was running out of medi-gel and her Force heal was exhausted. She saw Garrus and Wrex fall to the ground again. Unity…again…and again. All the while, she fought her enemy until her own health dipped dangerously low.

Suddenly, Sovereign/Saren grabbed her and drew back with one of his terrible talons to slice her to ribbons. It was then that the place lit up like a Christmas display at Macy's. An invisible hand seized Sovereign/Saren by the neck and threw him away with crushing force. Lightning flashed—thunder roared and the turian's body was turned into smoking debris that quickly deteriorated into ashes that drifted to the ground like used confetti.

Luce knelt beside Shepard; she had fallen limply to the ground and he placed his hand on her forehead. Her eyes fluttered open and met his. "Revan?"

"Yes, my love." He lifted her body and lowered his head to kiss her. "Will you come with me, Bastila? Become what you are destined to be? The Sith Queen of my heart?"

She was too weak to struggle and what angered her was she did not even want to. "I…have to finish this." She used Unity one more time to revive her team.

"Very well. I can communicate with you through the Force." Revan gently set her down and then froze as he saw something beyond Shepard.

"Shepard!" Garrus was slowly getting to his feet but his gaze was riveted to the large window that looked out over the Presidium.

Shepard had never expected to come out of this alive, although she was not a fatalist, but what she faced was something nobody had ever faced. For her to die because a big chunk that looked like a gigantic stone crab leg of the now destroyed Sovereign was hurtling toward the window. It would crash on top of her in seconds, and that pissed her off. She signaled to Garrus to run.

Wrex was not present and Shepard was saddened, thinking he had been killed. If supercharged geth hopper Saren had used his lightning strikes on the krogan then she would not be able to find Wrex's body.

Revan shook himself awake and used Force speed to get out of harm's way. It was time for the Shadow Broker to make his way back into the shadows.

Shepard was injured and tired beyond belief and she didn't think she could make it to shelter. Sovereign's remnant exploded through the glass, taking out the side of the tower, showering the interior with glass shards. The room was plunged into darkness.

(Cue dramatic music!)

Garrus was found a few hours later when volunteers from the _Normandy_―like the guy who wears an eye patch and salutes the commander all the time―sifted through the wreckage. The turian had not come out of it unscathed, though. He was badly shaken and had already started mourning for the brave commander. He had called her name over and over and tried to contact her with his radio, but his efforts were met with only an ominous silence.

Captain Anderson led the search teams and handed Garrus over to the medics, asking where Shepard was. Garrus could only glance at the huge Reaper crab leg that must have fallen on Shepard.

It was then that Anderson heard a sound. He and Garrus spun about, hope glimmering in their eyes. Anderson and the turian watched in disbelief as Commander Shepard stumbled out of the surrounding ash and debris. The smile on her face told them all they needed to know. Mission accomplished!

When she met with the Council they were at their most humble and thanked her profusely for saving their hides, tentacles, scales…whatever. She was told her heroic actions and the human lives sacrificed had finally opened their eyes and they extended an invitation to her to pick the first human councilor. She chose Captain Anderson, knowing they needed a military background rather than a political one because this was only the beginning. The Reapers were still out there.

Leaving them to discuss the political fall-out, Shepard went to C-Sec and took the elevator up to the hangar. When she boarded the ship the entire crew stood up and cheered. Joker twirled his cap in the air and whistled. Garrus looked pleased, but Shepard could see he needed some serious R & R.

"Do you think Wrex died?" he asked Shepard.

"Saren may have killed him," Shepard agreed. "He wasn't acting like himself, did you notice?"

"I…ahem…thought it was just me."

"He acted reluctant to fight." Shepard just wanted to get out of her torn, filthy clothes and take a shower with Cal and then sleep for a week.

But Cal, Atton, Swagger, Saunter and Skippy were nowhere to be found. When she asked Joker where they were, he told her the _Ebon Hawk_ had docked and they had departed in the ship.

She found a holo waiting for her when she entered her quarters. Cal's image appeared. Tears filled her eyes as she stared at the man she loved.

"Bas-mia, I hope to return to you before a month passes. I had to finish what I started, too." His voice took on a Bogart accent. "Bastila, I'm no good at being noble. But it doesn't take much to see that the problems of two little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world."

_You must remember this  
A kiss is just a kiss, a sigh is just a sigh.  
The fundamental things apply  
As time goes by._

_And when two lovers woo  
They still say, "I love you."  
On that you can rely  
No matter what the future brings  
As time goes by._

"Here's lookin' at you, sweetheart." Cal blew her a kiss and disappeared.

One month later…

The stowaway aboard the _SSV_ _Normandy_ crawled out of the Mako. The ship was shaking and explosions were erupting throughout her. The stowaway watched in horror as part of the garage was ripped asunder, a huge yellow beam searing through the hull of the ship like it was made of tin and not reinforced metal. The shields had already failed. Alarm klaxons blared and lurid red lights flickered as the back-up generator failed to produce enough power.

Encased in armor from head to toe, a spare N7 helmet pulled over the face, the stowaway, lurched into the elevator. There were more explosions and screams and the screech of metal being shredded. The _Normandy _was being ripped apart!

The elevator arrived on the second deck, the doors slowly opening to a scene of such destruction and turmoil that the stowaway was rooted to the spot in horror for a moment. Bodies were sprawled on the deck. Seats were torn from their moorings. More of the huge beams knifed through the ceiling, and the gravity of the planet the ship was orbiting tugged them loose. Half of the ship was flotsam now.

Where was Shepard? Eyes strained through the slit on the helmet and caught sight of a figure racing up the stairs to the next level. The stowaway flinched when another beam sliced through the metal skin of the ship. Glancing above, the stowaway saw stars and the haze of the planet's atmosphere. And first sighting of the ship that had attacked the Alliance ship. Not geth. Nothing like any the stowaway had ever seen.

But he had a reason for being here! Turning from the chaos, creeping up the stairs, through the door, into the CIC area of the ship with the galaxy map and the rows of crewman at their posts, the stowaway found his way to the cockpit. Only none of that was here now. No artificial gravity, so the weighted boots were the only thing that kept the stowaway from being sucked into the great black void to float into the stratosphere.

Cockpit! Shepard would be there. Joker was there and Shepard would never let a crew member perish. The stowaway could only hear breathing in the helmet as he slowly passed floating cables and chairs past the barrier that protected the cockpit.

Shepard was there! With a slight hiss, the stowaway removed the helmet. Shepard heard the small sound and turned, eyes widening.

"Cal, what are you doing here?"

"I got my hands on the guide to ME2 and I know what happens." As he spoke, he drew a coiled line around Shepard's waist and tossed it to Joker, who was inside the last evac shuttle. "Attach the line," he added to the pilot, who was moaning about his arm.

Cal fixed it with Force healing.

"Get in there with him." Shepard could be felt staring at him even through the visor of her helmet.

"No, I came to save you!" Cal pushed her to the shuttle. "Bastila…I mean, Shepard, I love you. I can't let this happen!"

"You bloody idiot!" Shepard stamped her foot. "This is what I _wanted_ to happen. I come back as someone else, which means I can go back to the Star Wars galaxy and we can be together. I had it written into my contract."

"Oh." Cal looked down at the armor he was wearing and saw it was full of holes, and it looked like steam was rising off it. He gulped as a gigantic beam cut into the cockpit and gravity chose that moment to exert its pull on his body. "Uh-oh." He quickly jammed his helmet back on.

"Cal!" Bastila/Shepard/Shepila/Slutty Girl, whatever you want to call her, gasped and started toward him.

"I love you, Basmia."

Shepard attempted to undo the cable and Cal Force pushed her inside the shuttle and hit the button that closed the hatch.

An explosion rocked the _Normandy_ cockpit, tearing struts and the entire front of the ship apart. Cal became a piece of the flotsam, twisting, air escaping from tiny holes in his suit. He looked like one of those mist attachments kids love to screw onto a water hose and play in during the summer.

Cal found that dying from suffocation was not pleasant at all. His life flashed before his eyes and he came to the conclusion that he was too young to die and also that it was his own miscalculation that was responsible. Before he lost consciousness, all coherent thought faded and re-entry into the planet's atmosphere turned him into an over-baked ginger bread man that pieces kept breaking off of, and he saw his lover's face and he was glad he had saved her from this.

"I…should…have…brought a line….for…me-eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

As his crispy body plummeted to the ground, he thought he heard that damned director say…

_Cue Music-That dramatic __**bong**__ sound that you hear right before the Mass Effect 2 shows on screen._

Less Effect Too

Two years and almost three months later…

"Wakey-wakey."

Cal's eyes fluttered open at the female voice he heard over the speaker, or was the voice in his head? He tapped the side of his head near his ear. At first, he'd hoped it was Bastila, but the vowels were flat and the accent was different. It must belong to the woman Miranda. He shook his head. Wasn't Miranda the name of a planet in the movie _Serenity_?

"I said, wake up, Shepard!"

Cal sat up and yelped when his face felt like it was coming apart. His hands went through his hair and he discovered his disheveled beautiful brown locks had been shaved to his skull. He had a Swagger Vasa hair cut! His moustache and trimmed beard still felt the same. He needed a mirror.

"Good, you're finally getting up, Sleeping Beauty."

Boy, this babe needed a wake up call of her own. First she called him Shepard and now Sleeping Beauty.

"Shepard, mechs have gone all haywire and are attacking everyone in the station. They want to kill you."

"Not me!" Cal shouted at the voice. "I'm not Shepard."

"Your memory may be spotty at times. You need to get dressed." She told him where the locker was and he changed in a flat second, now wearing N7 armor and holding a pistol.

"No lightsaber?"

"Sorry. I did not hear you since, like I said, the mechs are over-running this place and half of them are after me. You'll need to find a thermal clip. Should be one on the floor, but be sure to take cover behind the place with the large white arrow before you go to the door."

There was a large explosion just as Cal sank down behind the glass. He picked chunks of glass out of his short, short, short hair. Actually, he found he could just whisk it off with the flat of his hand.

Sure enough, there was a shining red cylinder and somehow he knew it was a thermal clip. He also knew the person playing the game was paying attention since he or she hit the X button so he could get rid of that annoying _RELOAD_ sign that kept flashing.

He looked to the fourth wall and waved. "Chuck, is that you?"

He was swung around and moved through the door, picked up the grenade launcher and fired down to the deck below to take out some mechs He followed Miranda's advice to take the elevator down and run through a blaze of fire that blocked his path.

He was doing okay and then Miranda had to deal with the remaining mechs that weren't after him, so he was on his own. Not a good thing when it came to Cal without a Guide. Where was he supposed to go? He saw arrows on the walls and followed them, eventually arriving at an area where a dark-skinned man with scrawny legs, but an enormous torso and impressive muscles everywhere else was behind cover, firing at the mechs. He identified himself as Jacob Taylor.

What bothered Cal the most was, here they were in terrible peril, and he had to keep stopping to hack datapads and wall safes and listen to monotone reports on some poor soul who had been recovered after being breaded and thrown into a deep fryer. That poor person was Shepard, and Cal knew that was wrong because he had saved her.

Yet, the few people he met―the chief medic Wilson being another, all referred to _him_ as Shepard. Wilson had a self-inflicted wound from a gunshot and Cal was not about to waste medi-gel on a liar-liar-pants-on-fire type. He could plainly see the gunshot residue on Wilson's hands.

Cal shook his head when they instructed him to get the medi-gel from the medic station and use it to help Wilson. He was pretty sure there was something not quite on the up and up with the medic, and he stubbornly withheld the application.

Jacob stared hard at him. "Going for the Renegade points, are you?"

Cal's brown eyes widened. "Dark side, you mean?"

Jacob's black eyes narrowed. "Look, just because he got caught in a restricted part of the facility and had that lame excuse that he's here to see if he could fix the problem with the mechs, and, yes, I see the gunshot residue, but…" Jacob slapped his leg in consternation. "I'll be damned! Wilson, you tried to lead us to the mechs. You almost got us killed. You're responsible for all these deaths."

"Well, the Shadow Broker told me he'd pay me more credits than TIM." Wilson was whining. "I want recognition! I want fame!"

Just then the door to the shuttle opened and Miranda appeared and shot Wilson. "We have to get you out of here, Commander."

Cal was tired of telling them he was not Commander Shepard, so he bit back a retort and substituted a nod.

He smiled privately when he saw the shuttle, thinking Bastila had told him she was going to make a note for the people at Bioware to have something better than the Mako as a transport.

As he followed Miranda into the shuttle, Cal commented, "Wow, that's some caboose, babe! Where'd you get that outfit? Can you breathe in it?"

"It stretches," she replied tersely. They settled into the shuttle and Cal began mentally comparing Miranda's body to Bastila's.

Miranda ruined his little reverie by asking him questions and he had to rely on who was playing the game to supply the answers. He was staggered when they told him he had chosen Kaidan Alenko to die on Virmire. Nobody had died on Virmire! He had read the Guide and with the combined efforts of his crew and Bastila's, they'd managed to save everybody. He was caught in a version of the game where he had not been imported and of course, he wouldn't be, because he was _not_ Shepard. They even had the gender wrong.

And that is the beginning of the end, because nobody cares what happened on Malachor V. Cal went there, fought a LOT of Sith and had the end game with Kreia and, since he knew Revan was the scum of two galaxies, he did not go off in the _Ebon Hawk_ to find him. What he did was contact Hiro and have him transport him to ME2. He knew what was in store for Shepard and he vowed to stop it. Well, he had. Problem was-now _he_ was Shepard.

Swagger Vasa killed Skippy and took Saunter as part of his crew, along with Flynn and Mira, who had become a couple. The Handmaiden, Bao and Mical started a new Jedi Academy. Atton became Captain Jaq again; he resolved his droid issues and signed on T3M4 as his first mate. HK has still not be seen or heard from. It is thought that he perished when the bomb went off on Virmire. Visas remained in the Consort's Chamber. Wrex, well, if you remember all the way back to the beginning, he was working for the Shadow Broker.

As to Revan, aka the Shadow Broker, he is still lurking around somewhere. Jaden and Carth made another baby during that down time while traveling to Ilos and will name her Callie.

And thus ends our adventure. Cal wants me to thank all of you who read about him and put up with his extreme dumbness and his literal interpretations. He has saved Bastila, but now he has become Shepard. Thanks to the faithful few who left reviews. They meant a lot to me. And now Cal will reap what he has sown, going down another road to adventure.

_And now, the end is here_

_And Cal, he faces the final curtain_

_He did what he had to do_

_Saved his love but nothing else is certain_

**Final author's note and disclaimer: I do not own anything Star Wars or Mass Effect. I want to thank all of you who read this crazy thing. I wanted Cal to go out with style, and it was getting harder and harder to be funny and find songs, so it was time to end this.**

16


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